The Virginity Status

        So... Virginity huh ? Well, here we go.

        I love the concepts of 'virginity', 'sex', and 'lust' in loving relationships. But, I do not appreciate how our society has been teaching us about our first time and our virginity. Somehow, a woman's first time is more important than a man's first time; and women seems to lose something when they experience this beautiful, natural thing in life. I do not care if you believe that sex should be before marriage, women do not lose something in sex. Instead, they become more matured and experienced. As a man who is not even attracted to women; I appreciate women's sex appeal and their confidence over their body once after they have explored sex. 

        I've talked to many girls who actually gained self respect, self love, and self appreciation, because of their first times. Yes, it may not be comfortable or easy. But the feeling of being so vulnerable yet still loved and seen as "beautiful", is a powerful moment for many girls. I have not talked to many men about this topic. But I know that I would want my first time to be just as important and special. Because at the same time, we men are growing and maturing too. And do not even argue with me about the 'popping the cherry' thing, because not all women pop their cherries on their first time anyways.

        So girls and boys, be safe and try to make good choices. But, never slut shame someone for experiencing this amazing, beautiful thing, and never feel ashamed for exploring who you are. Because after all, we are all just humans who want to be loved and appreciated by others. 

Beauty Is... Part 2 - I'm Sorry

        10 pounds huh ? It's still not enough for me though. my goal is to lose about 40 pounds. But don't worry, I will take breaks off my diet, I can't just eat veggies forever. The thing is, I'm not unhappy this time when I try this diet. Last time, I was a little complaining, hungry bitch. Now I still get hungry and give puppy dog eyes to my friends whenever they eat something I love, but I'm not like a bitch about it. I just wished I had more support from my friends, but I'm getting a lot of support from my mom though. She's happy I'm finally wanting to get fit. She loves everyone and all, but she doesn't think bigger is always beautiful, which can be hurtful sometimes. 

        I think I want to explain myself a little bit. I am the biggest size wise in my family, school's friends group, and my friends group outside of school. Yes, they all love me, but what I feel sometimes is just horrible.

        Every night before I shower, I look at myself in the mirror. Just staring, not words, no emotions, no thoughts, just stares. I wonder why I'm not hating anymore, because I would have last year. And I think I've kinda just given up on myself a little bit, I'm starting to believe that I will just always be like this and I can be that rich fat designer who just hook up with men online. But I deserve love, not only by others, but from myself too. I want to love food and enjoy life, but when I run my finger tips through my body, I feel nothing. I have somehow forgotten how to hate or love myself. 

        Now, I almost feel sorry for myself, and I want to be successful even more. I want to promise myself that I will make up for what I've done to my body. Because at the end, it's my fault for being fat, it's no one else's but mine. But I've been acting on it, that's why I'm on this diet. I want to be comfortable and happy with myself before it's too late. I want to feel confident and beautiful in every single way, and not feel the need to use fashion as my armor or defense. Fashion should be what we use to help our beauty, not to be used as our beauty. I think I will still keep telling girls to stay the way they are and just be confident. People need to know how beautiful they are. And if I can make them believe me, maybe someday I will believe it too...

Beauty Is... Part 1 - Diet

        What is beauty ? Can someone please define 'beauty' for me. According to Google's definition, beauty is "a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight." But is that 100% true ? Is that all beauty is about ? You see, as an artist, designer, perfectionist...etc, we always look for beauty within our surroundings and objects. I do admit that it can be a shallow way of thinking, but I wonder if being shallow is part of our human nature. People often say beauty is different for everyone and people define beauty by their own standards of appeal and interests. But the question is, are our standards affected and maybe even controlled by this society with media ?

        And it seems true to me that we humans often have double standards of beauty when it comes to judging ourselves and others. I can only name about 5 people out of everyone I know that has the same beauty standards and judgement towards both themselves and the rest of the world. Or are we just liars ? Maybe we have even fooled ourselves. I as a designer-wanna-be, have always struggled with the meaning of beauty. I agree that some clothing and some looks just fit better on skinny people, but I also admit that I may have been brainwashed by all those magazines and fashion shows about 'who can pull this one off, and who can't'. It has been always a difficult subject, and I just never seem to be able to solve this puzzle with one solid answer. 

        Anyway, I brought this up because I started a new diet 2 weeks ago on the 11th. I got this diet recipe from a friend of my mom, who is a very experienced nurse by the way. And I've already lost 10 pounds after the first week. It's definitely a big and fast drop, and the recipe itself isn't that harmful. But is it really healthy ? Let's just say I'm not getting any calcium or diary... A lot of my friends don't think this is okay and they are worried about me. And I do appreciate the love and care I'm getting, but I just have to do this.

        I would be lying if I say I'm doing this for health. It's 80% wanting to be more skinny and pretty and 20% wanting to be more fit and healthy. I want to be happy; but to be honest, I don't even know if I will be fully happy even if I'm skinny. I feel like I will have to watch myself everyday to make sure I don't gain back the weight if I lose them. You know, people tell me that I'm beautiful and stuff. But what if being beautiful in the inside isn't enough for me ? Is it really bad or greedy to ask for the whole package ? And seriously, it's still a risk, no one can promise I will be more attractive once I'm skinny.

        I feel like this is a never-ending topic and I do love all sizes, I always tell other girls that confidence is the key to beauty. But why can't I just listen to myself for just once ? Maybe I don't even believe in what I'm saying to those girls, because I don't even know what is beauty anymore...

First Time for Everything

        Last Wednesday and Thursday, our school play was presented to the public under the bright lights on our stage. We did an amazing job and I was so very lucky to be part of it. I surely did do a better performance in the first show though... But it is okay ! This was my first ever show and I'm proud of myself for being part of something special. And on Friday, the day after our last show, I started something quite awesome.

        I started a part-time job ! I am now currently working in a Chinese food restaurant, all thanks to my brother for getting me this job. I tried my best not applying here because I didn't want to work with family, and I wanted to work somewhere where I can use more English. But no places have gotten back to me, and I need money so... I guess connections are important. I have shifts every Friday and Saturday, and I guess I'm doing fine so far. I have made some mistakes but hey, I'm still learning right ? I'm just so happy that I can make some money for myself and be able to buy more heels. Fingers crossed so I don't mess anything up.

        I think despite April being so busy, I'm glad that things are happening. Even if it's stressful, I can see my life moving forward and me making progress as a young adult and as a student. And because of how busy I was for the past few weeks, I was a little behind on my school work, but I caught up quickly shortly. It's like I finally have things together now and now I not only have these things on my finger tips, I have them in my palms. Life is stressful when you want everything to fall in place, but it will definitely benefit you for the long run. 

April Madness Part 2

        Well, there goes what's happening with school, but now let's talk about the other parts of my life, shall we ?

        Me and my family had a huge fight a couple weeks earlier. It was a really, really big fight. I still think we're recovering from that. It's just hard. We're all so different and we respond to things differently. We just need some time and space I guess. I don't really know if I've talk about my family a lot or not, but we've all had rough times, and we've all been depressed at some point of our lives. Some of us are still dealing with it. I can't say if we're getting better or not, but I believe that the amount of love we have for each other is greater than anything else in this world. 

        Anyway, my brother got me a job at the restaurant he's working at, and it was a very nice thing he did. I really do appreciate it, and I'm starting on Friday, but I am scared because he wants me to memorize the menu and it is just brutal. Also, I actually have to put myself in a peaceful mental state for going into this job. Trust me, my brother being my manger is probably one of the worst things a person can do to me. Not that I don't think he'll be a great manger, it's just that after everything we've been through, it's hard to imagine that this will be like a Disney's happily ever after. I have to be positive and leave all emotions behind, because I want to be professional after all.

        Oh, and just another note on my school life, I am currently almost failing English. I'm not doing well since I moved up to the Academic level class, and I am E.S.L.. I hate using the "English is my second language" card because it's no excuse. I'm just using it so I don't hate myself. I really am trying, but I do admit that I can try harder. I love English and I love to write, but it's just not going to be as good as the others. Well, at least not now. Maybe I can win by the creative side of this, and God I hope that I do well in that part. We will receive our report cards soon, and let's just hope I'm at least a 75%, which is very difficult based on the marks I've been seeing for my stories, essays...etc. Guess what !? I'm not doing that badly in French class and that's partly because I have french lessons outside of school every week. Well, I'm happy something is going uphill right now in my academic grades.

        There are a lot of great things happening in my life, and I do see the light. The things that suck have been getting better, or at least I know how to make those situations better. It's just, I want to keep everything in line and perfect, and now everything is all over the place. These things are still at my finger tips, but I feel like if I'm not careful, anything could go wrong the next second, and I hate that. This is the part where I go on about how I wish life is perfect blah blah blah, but life is a bitch and the only way we can own our lives is to be a even bigger bitch. 

Editor: A.B.

April Madness Part 1

        I have not been on here writing for almost two weeks now... I think I'm just at that stage of life where everything is happening all at once. Trust me, it has not been easy for someone as perfectionist as me to go through these past few weeks. I sometimes feel like I can hardly breathe, and that I'll never have a little moment of nothing on my mind. 

        I auditioned for the school spring play awhile ago, and we've been rehearsing like crazy because our showtime is this Wednesday and Thursday. It's a small cast, and I'm a minor character with just a few lines, but I'm very excited because it is my "first" show. I was part of the musical "Annie" my elementary school put on a couple years ago, but I don't count those group singing experiences as "legit performance", because I knew nothing about singing and acting back then compared to now. Though I have to admit, I am still very upset that I did not have a chance to audition for the drama enriched class. (Please just check my piece "An Audition" for the more details on that). The director of this show did give me some lines after I was cast as an extra, and I'm truly grateful, but my character is a fabulous diva and that does not prove anything to that drama teacher who said that the enriched major drama class would be too much for me.

        This teacher said to me many times that she wanted to see more diversity in me and to not just do a fabulous diva, and God knows I completely understand. I did all my performances as not fabulous as I could for the rest of that open level class. I tried my best to please her and tried to make her see that I can be something else, but it's still a no. I believe that she is a great drama teacher and a lovely person, but people have told me about some people that are in the enriched level drama class that slack off and that I deserve to be in that class. I don't dare to say that I deserve to be in there, but I do think I at least deserve a chance with an audition.

        Now, I'm just stressing over if I should still take drama next year and the year after that. Meanwhile in my Vocal Music class, I think I'm doing good. I've been getting fairly decent marks for all my solo performances, but I really need to step up my game for music theory. And the thing is, I actually prefer not to get level fours for all my solos at the beginning of the course, because if I get a level four right now and somehow I get a level three later on I will literally cry so hard, my face will be moisturized 24/7, because that means I'm going downhill. I'm trying really hard to work on my next solo because I want to get a four plus. I want to be better, and I want to show myself that I deserve to be in this class. I don't always have the talent, but I'm willing to try hard. 

Editor: A.B.