The End of High School

          It is officially the end of High School ! I never thought this day would come, but here we are. WE MADE IT !!! The last 4 years have been a roller coaster ride, I have grown so much as a student, and a person in general. Most people have seen the worst of me, and some were lucky enough to see the best of me. Are these really the "best years of our lives" ?! God I hope not. Let's pray that we will continue to rise and thrive in the future.

          I have so much to say, yet so little time... So I'll be doing a series call "Youth" starting after this, featuring some of the most influential girl-friends that I've made during these four years. It will be an emotional series, giving thanks and sending love to those who have been there for me and have inspired me. Without them, I would not be the woman that I am today.

          Before that, I want to just talk a little bit about my high school, a place that has always welcomed me with open arms. And for that, I will never be able to express how thankful I am, how much that means to me personally especially even after I came out. Also, even though I'm pretty sure the Arts program killed billions of my brain cells, I am so honoured to have been able to take part of this amazing Integrated Arts Program. I came into the school in grade 9, only majoring Visual Art, yet now I am proudly to say that I am graduating as a Visual Art major, Vocal Music major, Drama minor, and Dance minor. I have truly found my Art, and my Art is Activism. Through the areas of the arts, I was able to learn and gain different skills to apply into my work as an Activist. With Visual Art, I found myself studying the world around me, the relationships, the emotions...etc. I saw the world as a masterpiece, still yet to be finished, and it may never be perfect, but we will get there, we will try our best, we will all work on it, together. With Drama, I overcame my stage-fright, my insecurities with public speaking and owning space, claiming my presence. With Vocal Music, I found my voice, and I will continue to fight for those who's voice have been oppressed and silenced. Finally, with dance, an area that I've just started to explore earlier this year, an art form that I've been dreaming about ever since I was a little kid. Over the years, I've lost myself, unable to accept and embrace my body physically. Coming out as Trans was the first step, and dancing was the second. I'm learning to love my physical self through the dance movements and choreography, and I am so happy that the dance teachers looked past my lack of experience and gave me such opportunities.

          Thank You, to all the efforts of the dedicated teachers and wonderful students for making my High School years so rich, so full-of-memories, so beautiful, so... FABULOUS. Sending nothing but Love to all Graduates !

Dance.

          Earlier this week I had my debut dance performance on stage. I performed in three pieces and it was absolutely nerve-wrecking yet just so exciting. I wanted so much more, and I'm craving for more. I know I'm not the best dancer, nor do I have years of training and stage-experiences, plus my body isn't as fit, but I have passion. I am creative, and I love dancing with all my heart. At times, I do feel very insecure with my body-size and my lack of techniques to be dancing alongside with such talented girls in the dance program. Yet I remind myself that I've fought and auditioned for a spot here and I just need to keep dancing. Just keep dancing.

          I've always wanted to be a dancer, I've always loved using movement to express myself. Yet as the years went on, I became more insecure in my own skin. And now, I'm fighting back, I'm confronting my body and embracing it's curves and folds. I will dance, I will love and accept myself, as a fat transgender girl.

          This is also why I love the arts so much, because we can learn so much about ourselves through the different arts. I've used visual art to inspire my thoughts on life, on nature, and on the relationships between people. I've used vocal music to find my voice, not only in music yet also for activism. And now, I'm using dance to embrace my physical self, to love my flaws and to use my body for art and self-expression... for beauty, to be beauty.

University of Toronto

          So most people will know that I have been accepted to London College of Fashion, in London, England. It is one of the top 10 best Fashion Institutes in the world, and it was an honour to be given an offer right after my interview back in November. Yet only some knows about my offer from University of Toronto for Gender & Women's Studies. Most people only paid attention to my announcement for London College of Fashion because it's an opportunity to study aboard, it's exciting, and people think that fashion is my ultimate dream. And it was my ultimate dream, but things change... I have officially accepted my offer to study at University of Toronto.

          I find that it's interesting because most people react much more dramatically than me, honestly I'm still processing. I definitely am disappointed, and it would've been great to study Fashion in the UK, but it's just not financially possible. My parents have been trying their best and it's just not fair for me to put any more financial stress on their shoulders. People then asked, why didn't I apply for Fashion program in Canada ? Ryerson University in Toronto is known for the best Fashion education in Canada, ranking not top 10 in world, but definitely in top 20s. The thing is, I started my application, and there wasn't an interview, there was an essay. The essay asked me to write about an issue in the Fashion industry that I am passionate about. See, the problem isn't that I can't write an essay, or that I don't have enough knowledge or content to write about, it's the fact that I realized the lack of passion I have for Fashion. I stared at the blank Google doc for about 3 days and told my mom that I just can't. If I were in an interview, I could talk about Fashion all I want. Yet writing is much more personal and intimate for me, I can't lie to myself. I had a realization, that I wasn't even that excited about the Fashion program in England, I was more excited about the travelling, the studying abroad fantasy. That is my dream, to be independent in a vibrant, big stylish city, and I'll get there. I'll definitely save up to travel across Europe after my studies. Fashion is something I'm really good at, something that I've been practicing for years since I was like five years old. It's comfortable, it comes easy to me, yet it's not my dream anymore. That's the truth, and I've been afraid to admit it because I feel like my years were wasted, that I'm betraying my talent and skills. I'm afraid to step out of my comfort zone. I'm not the best student, I'm not the best essay-writer, I'm not a fast reader, and it's difficult also because English is my second language. So I thought that going to University for academics was going to be too stressful and not a path I should go on. Yet it's not fair, for me to take a spot in one of the best Fashion Colleges in the world, and to make my parents spend this money when I don't have the passion to strive in this field. So, here we are. University of Toronto it is.

          And guess what !? I'm so passionate about Women & Gender studies, I'm already volunteering as an activist/advocate for Women and LGBTQ+ rights and visibility. This is something that I've been writing all my essays and projects on in school. Maybe I'm not the best writer, but when it's a topic in this field, I can type thousands of words. I have so much to say, so much to share and contribute when it comes to this study. I want to learn, and it excites me to look into the Feminist philosophy, or academic studies of Gender & Sexuality. It isn't going to be easy, and I'm definitely not in whole other country or anything, but it's good for now. It's something I can live with, happily. Also, I want to be a writer ! Well, I want to make my activism and public education into a career, but I also want to be a writer, of poems or publishing a personal memoir or something. I know it's yet another big dream, but at least I've got something.

          It'll be an exciting new chapter in my life when Fall comes, and I'll be ready. I've got so much to learn, and so much to do. Yay Education !

Being Good Isn't Good Enough.

          Wow. It's almost unbelievable. I've been accepted into the Universities of Arts London: London College of Fashion. It's right here in front of me, an opportunity to study abroad in the United Kingdom, how fabulous ! I'm so happy, grateful, and touched by everyone's encouragements. Yet, it wasn't exactly what I wanted...

          The UAL organization, Universities of Arts London, has 6 Universities & Colleges in London, England under it's wing, each offering different educations relating to the Arts. 2 out of the 6, Central Saint Martins and London College of Fashion offers great Fashion programs which I've set my eyes on. Both are great, yet CSM is just a dream school, which many has said to be the best fashion institute in the world. LCF is wonderful as well, offering some programs in which CSM does not, Fashion Psychology, Fashion Communication, Footwear Design, Undergarments Specializations...etc. UAL came to Toronto to do a round of interviews in November and February, and they've recommend that the fashion applicants sign up for November just because of how competitive their programs are. Everything is a little rushed, and it caused a lot of stress and anxiety to pull a portfolio together. Now, the Arts schools under UAL are special, they are great programs with a certain standard level, and they require all international students and students that just came out of high school to study a predegree program (1 year long) before applying for their undergraduate degree programs. So the interview that I just had is not even for the actual degreed programs, yet the quality must be there.

          I've arrived, preparing myself for the worst, thinking that I may not be good enough, talented enough for Central Saint Martins, the school which ranks number 1 in the world, and produced the one and only, Alexander McQueen. They came and took my work from me, went in for about 15 minutes, came out to get me, sat me down... 

"So Fashion Design. Why ?" 

          I gave my answer as clear and passionately as possible.

"See, the problem is, most of what you have here are not fashion designs, they're just pretty fashion illustrations. Come, let's take a look.

There's not enough work, it's just sketches out of your head, not enough process, not enough design. How are you going to bring them to life ? Is that even possible ? I do like some of them, they're okay. The print works are fine. Your mixed media works are good, quite creative. Here, sit.

Now, CSM holds a certain standard, in which is not necessary better, but definitely more intense. With the works that you have now, you'll fail.

What I think will work for you, and for the best, is to offer you an acceptance into London College of Fashion's predegree course, not Central Saint Martin's. But, since I can see in your application that you're fairly passionate about CSM, why don't you come back in February with a new set of work, but we'll give you this offer for now, which I strongly suggest. Any questions ?"

          So now, I'm not that upset about the offer, since London College of Fashion is a good school after all, and I'll still be able to study abroad. But is this really good enough ? That was one of the most difficult 15 minutes of my life, they didn't give me time to think, talk, explain, or defend my art works. I've prepared to talk about my work, my inspirations, relating my photography, my sketches, my sculptures, and my paintings to fashion and how I would use it in my designs. But I guess there's no time for that, either I've got it or I don't. That's the fashion world.

          I'm definitely disappointed in myself, but I need to have hope as I'm given another chance. I'll take London College of Fashion for now, but I think I should come back in February to give Central Saint Martins another shot. Some people may settle, for LCF, ranking number 8 in the world for an education in fashion. (Which is completely reasonable.) But being good isn't good enough, or is it ? Will I settle this time and not try to push myself over the edge ? I don't know... For now, I just need to rest, I need to take a break, and celebrate for what I've accomplished. 

Just Dance.

          Most people use their last year of high school to prepare and focus on good grades, making beautiful memories their friends, and their university/college applications. Yet here I am, still exploring and testing the waters...

          I have decided to join dance this year. Many people don't know, but I've loved dancing since I was a little kid, and I've always admired dancers and movements. I tried to join ballet before I came to Canada, yet I was discouraged because one, I'm "too fat" to dance, and secondly, I've been told to not dance "like a girl". Well here I am, in a high school with such an amazing Arts program, I know I'll regret it if I don't use this chance to finally start dancing. I've been introduced many different dances, and Modern is my favorite. Modern is free, it's personal, and it has no gender roles or gender specific techniques. I can feel my passion for dance, like a fire within me, and it seems like it'll never put out. Also, dance is something much more to me. It's me exploring and feeling comfortable with my body. As a Plus-Size, Transgender woman of colour, I've had many issues with my body and appearance for a long time in the past. Just recently, I've finally started to love my body and accept my body, and dancing just makes it so much better.

          The open dance course I signed up for is next semester, but I couldn't wait any longer, it's my last year. So I went out of my comfort zone to an open dance audition for all the dance clubs in the school. Like a mermaid out of the water, I felt like I didn't belong... Everyone there have years of dance experience, and I was the biggest girl there. The audition did not go well, and I didn't get into the Modern dance club I wanted. I got into nothing. I felt disappointed, I felt stupid. I don't understand why I do this to myself, I don't know why I thought that I could be good enough. I have no dance experience, and maybe I'm just not talented. This happened for Vocal Music, I came into this high school minoring Vocal, then I switched to being a Vocal Major, and now I'm in two choirs as a leading Bass singer. I had passion, and I worked hard. And I thought that this would be the same. I thought that I can just work hard and give it my all. Yet the truth is, sometimes it's not always about passion and dedication, it takes talent and skill. And really, who do I think I am ? Visual Art major, Vocal Music major, Drama minor, and then Dance minor ? I'm passionate and I want to explore, yet what makes me think that I've got what it takes ?

          My audition for the minor class with the dance teacher (Since I have no dance experience whatsoever, she still wanted me to perform for her before letting me into the senior open dance course.) is next week, and I don't want to go into that feeling this way. I can't. I know I'm reaching for the stars, but I have passion, and I can work my ass off if I need to. I will give it my all, I will practice and practice. And I aim nothing less than perfection. I know I'm not the best, but I'll work towards the best. Being good, simply isn't good enough for me. And being great in one specialty, clearly isn't great enough either.

          I wonder, when will this end ? This constant desire of pursuing a new area of interest, this unlimited passion for the arts. This dedication, so stubborn and obsessive. This need to feel purposeful, and wanted. The need of perfection. I will work myself to death, and somehow I'm okay with that. I need to be moving forward, I need to be pushing myself everyday. I need do not only well, but great. Mediocrity is my ultimate enemy. 

          But I need to focus, because right now, all I need to do is dance. I just need to give it my best, my all, and my everything. I just need to keep dancing. Just keep dancing.

Capture Your Dreams

          So now, after exams, second semester has officially begun. It's Fabulous ! I have courses like Fashion, Visual Art, Photography, and Psychology this semester and it's super fun and really awesome. Though I did want to replace Dance over Photography, but I guess I will be doing Dance next year. I know I'm not trained in Dance, yet you know what, I actually love dancing, and I think I'm finally going to take the course and start dancing. If I love it, then why not ? Right !?

          Though my courses may be fun and all artsy, it's a lot of work. Grade 11 Art Major isn't an easy course, and I'm starting to feel like I couldn't keep up. I've never been great at Art History or Art Theory, and I'm not the best Artist in the room either, what makes me so special ? I couldn't help but to start doubting my talent... But I'll work hard and try my best, I have to. I can not and will not give up on Art. I'm doing well I think in Fashion, and it's funny to find that I'm the only one in that class who wants to go into Fashion later in life. I'm still quite new to Photography and Psychology, but I think I have potential and interest, so if I work hard, I'll be fine. Some people in Psychology don't think I'm smart or intellectual, and the teacher doesn't really know who I am yet, but I'll prove them wrong. My goal is always to be better than what people predict I'll be like, and that's the key to my success so far in life I guess.

          Now Dance. I've actually loved dancing all my life. I wanted to join a studio a few times before yet it never really worked out due to scheduling and the fact that I wanted to dance the girl parts and not everyone understood that. My friends who've actually seen me dance says I have potential, and I think, why not just do it at school !? I'm in my final last two years of high school, and since I'm in the Arts Program, I want to explore the other Arts too, not just have experience in my majors. So, since my timetable didn't work with Dance this semester, I will start Dance in the fall. I'm so excited !

          I know I'm getting more and more off tracks with Fashion the more Art areas I explore, but I just feel like I'm not ready to settle yet. Maybe it's risky since I don't have much time to spare until University/College, but this is high school ! I'm young, and who knows what will hold in my future. If I love something, and I think I may do well in it, I will give it a try. I owe myself some fun, I think I deserve to enjoy my youthful years, maybe not going to parties and smoking weed, but to spend every minute of school loving the Art I'm creating and experiencing.

          I'm also getting my motivations back for Fashion now, so isn't that something !? But I'm not gonna settle just yet, the game of 'Capture The Dreams' has just begun. And I'm loving my every second of it. 

To Prove Myself

 

          Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news ! I will be officially working with a youth acting company which will be my first real acting experience outside of school. I am offered to be in two of their production this season, a Shakespeare piece and an original piece which is more abstract and more physical.

          I've really been getting involved with the arts lately, I'm trying to audition for as many things as possible. As many of you know, my confidence in acting has failed after my drama teacher wouldn't give me an audition for the major class. And my dream of being a triple major was broken... But I dropped my minor drama class this year and hope to get into many drama productions to prove to her that I have the ability to act well. And I've auditioned to our school's both Fringe Drama Festival, and the Troupe which puts on plays for children in elementary schools. I didn't get into both of them and just when I thought that I must have sucked all this time, the teacher who's in charge of the Troupe production asked me to join as a character just opened up. Sure I do care a little that I'm just a replacement, but it gave me enough confidence to still audition for the KW Youth Theatre and now I'm in ! 

          I just feel like I've finally proven myself, even though my drama teacher knows nothing about what productions I'm apart of. Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely person, and she is great. But yes the major class was full, but many people still auditioned and were put on the wait-list. I wasn't upset of the fact that she didn't let me into the class, I was upset by her not giving me an audition - a chance to prove myself. And what she said to me when I asked her about this just makes me feel horrible about my talent and skills. She said, "I'm sorry, I don't think it's for you kid. Just have fun in the minor class." Like sure, I do love drama and I have fun, but I also work hard and I will if you just give me a chance. I need teachers (especially in the arts) to at least give me a chance. I know I'm not the most talented artist, singer, actor, dancer...etc, but I will work for it, because I want it.

          And I'm really scared yet excited at the same time for this Shakespeare play since it's my first time doing a Shakespeare piece. Plus, I'm still new to this Shakespeare old English thing, so that'll be a challenge. But I'm not going to let the company and the directors down. I will work as hard as I can, and make the best out of it.

          This time, I have no one to prove anything to, except for myself.

         

The Reason to Keep Going

          I actually have many moments where I've wanted to just stop writing and delete my blog. Sometimes I asked myself, why am I doing this ? It felt like no one really cares about this and people maybe didn't want to read my blog. But then I remind myself that I started to write for myself and that's what I need to keep doing. It would be a little sad if no one is interested in reading what I've got to offer, but what's really upsetting is me needing people's approval to continue my interest. So I kept on writing...

          I usually get a little uncomfortable when people read my blog in front of me. I think it really is a personal thing yet it's so public online. I try to be completely honest with my life on here and I just hope that through this, people can see who I really am. I am not confident at all and I'm very insecure. I sometimes put on this sassy self and attitude around school but I really just want to protect myself. And I do have an emotional side, times where I'm very serious, and times where I make mistakes. I find that a lot of people don't see me for who I really am. And I try not to judge people base on just what others see in them as I know that there can be so much more that they're hiding. I really like writing, because I feel like I can put all sides of me into words and just write about my feelings.

          It's also an escape. An escape from judgement and seeing what others think of me. I think we all need a reason to keep going in life and doing what we do, and our reason should be the freedom of being ourselves and loving ourselves. It can be difficult to show all sides of us even to our closet friends, so writing is my method to freedom. And that's also why I don't like to edit my blog. I can be very lazy some days, but I also like it raw and unedited. It's basically just me writing about how I feel about the tpic I'e chosen and I'm free from judgments even coming from myself.

          This blog is raw, full of emotions and grammar mistakes, and most importantly. It's me.

Finding My Passion

          Lately I have not been drawing or designing, I've tried but I just end up tearing it up and throwing it into the recycling bin. It's been more than a month since the last time I designed something and that wasn't even a whole collection, it was just a swimsuit. I think that the closer I am to the time of college, the more I want a perfect portfolio. I found myself wanting each page to be perfect and interesting enough to have a 'wow' reaction. This is horrible because I am not going to have anything if I won't allow myself to make mistakes. I just feel so pressured of having something beautiful and perfect because isn't that what this industry is about ?

          It's like I've lost my passion. Now it seems like my dream is to make it in the industry and not make beautiful clothes. I've been so obsessed with being successful that I've lost that thrill and joy of drawing and making women more beautiful and confident. And I have to find a way of making myself feel that again. The old me who scream and smile whenever I walk into a show store, now I just ask myself questions about the cost, the fit, the design, what people might think and how I can wear that...etc. Being logical and realistic with my dreams and desires is great, but it's a little sad for me since I've lost that pure joy I used to feel. 

          Unlike designing, I still love and find it very interesting to write on my blog here. It's not difficult to write how I feel yet it can be very difficult to show that in art and design. So writing is my plan B. I would love to be a fashion editor for a magazine and I would still be in the fabulous world of Fashion. But as you all know, I make a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. It's not that I don't know them, it's just I'm lazy to edit and read over my writing before I post it...

First Time for Everything

        Last Wednesday and Thursday, our school play was presented to the public under the bright lights on our stage. We did an amazing job and I was so very lucky to be part of it. I surely did do a better performance in the first show though... But it is okay ! This was my first ever show and I'm proud of myself for being part of something special. And on Friday, the day after our last show, I started something quite awesome.

        I started a part-time job ! I am now currently working in a Chinese food restaurant, all thanks to my brother for getting me this job. I tried my best not applying here because I didn't want to work with family, and I wanted to work somewhere where I can use more English. But no places have gotten back to me, and I need money so... I guess connections are important. I have shifts every Friday and Saturday, and I guess I'm doing fine so far. I have made some mistakes but hey, I'm still learning right ? I'm just so happy that I can make some money for myself and be able to buy more heels. Fingers crossed so I don't mess anything up.

        I think despite April being so busy, I'm glad that things are happening. Even if it's stressful, I can see my life moving forward and me making progress as a young adult and as a student. And because of how busy I was for the past few weeks, I was a little behind on my school work, but I caught up quickly shortly. It's like I finally have things together now and now I not only have these things on my finger tips, I have them in my palms. Life is stressful when you want everything to fall in place, but it will definitely benefit you for the long run. 

April Madness Part 1

        I have not been on here writing for almost two weeks now... I think I'm just at that stage of life where everything is happening all at once. Trust me, it has not been easy for someone as perfectionist as me to go through these past few weeks. I sometimes feel like I can hardly breathe, and that I'll never have a little moment of nothing on my mind. 

        I auditioned for the school spring play awhile ago, and we've been rehearsing like crazy because our showtime is this Wednesday and Thursday. It's a small cast, and I'm a minor character with just a few lines, but I'm very excited because it is my "first" show. I was part of the musical "Annie" my elementary school put on a couple years ago, but I don't count those group singing experiences as "legit performance", because I knew nothing about singing and acting back then compared to now. Though I have to admit, I am still very upset that I did not have a chance to audition for the drama enriched class. (Please just check my piece "An Audition" for the more details on that). The director of this show did give me some lines after I was cast as an extra, and I'm truly grateful, but my character is a fabulous diva and that does not prove anything to that drama teacher who said that the enriched major drama class would be too much for me.

        This teacher said to me many times that she wanted to see more diversity in me and to not just do a fabulous diva, and God knows I completely understand. I did all my performances as not fabulous as I could for the rest of that open level class. I tried my best to please her and tried to make her see that I can be something else, but it's still a no. I believe that she is a great drama teacher and a lovely person, but people have told me about some people that are in the enriched level drama class that slack off and that I deserve to be in that class. I don't dare to say that I deserve to be in there, but I do think I at least deserve a chance with an audition.

        Now, I'm just stressing over if I should still take drama next year and the year after that. Meanwhile in my Vocal Music class, I think I'm doing good. I've been getting fairly decent marks for all my solo performances, but I really need to step up my game for music theory. And the thing is, I actually prefer not to get level fours for all my solos at the beginning of the course, because if I get a level four right now and somehow I get a level three later on I will literally cry so hard, my face will be moisturized 24/7, because that means I'm going downhill. I'm trying really hard to work on my next solo because I want to get a four plus. I want to be better, and I want to show myself that I deserve to be in this class. I don't always have the talent, but I'm willing to try hard. 

Editor: A.B.

An Audition

        Weeks ago, before semester one ended, I wanted to be a drama major. I still want to badly, but I now understand that we can't have all the things we desire in life. I thought I was doing well in my drama minor, so I asked my drama teacher for an audition, but she said no. She said that there weren't any spaces left in the drama major class, but she also added that she doesn't think I'm able to do it and she thinks it's not for me. I was for sure upset. I even disliked her a little... but it isn't her fault. Then who's fault is it ?

        No one can be blamed but me, even if I had requested an audition early enough, I bet she would've said the same thing. She would've said that I'm not good enough. I felt embarrassed to be honest, not knowing if I'm talented enough and still trying to reach for the stars... Did I just assume that because I jumped from a vocal minor to a vocal major, I could do the same with drama !? I thought I would be at least smart enough to analysis how good my performances in class were so that I could understand what's possible and what's not... I have friends who told me that they think I'm good enough for drama major. I don't usually believe them, but somehow I did. I just wanted to do something special and test my limits, no matter how difficult it is. One of the reasons I'm so desperate for exploring my other areas of talent is because I'm running out of passion. I'm not loving visual art like I used to, and I'm just afraid that I will change my mind about fashion later on and will have no experiences with other things. I love the stage so much. I know it's hard to see my passion when I get stage fright, but I know deep down that I can put on a show... 

        Anyway, I was upset with myself for a while. I was almost angry at myself for trying this hard for something and believing in myself when no one else could see anything in me, but then, one of my friends signed me up for a spring play production at my school. That was my only chance, I thought. That was the last time I could prove that I am a talented actor, at least to myself. I did a monologue that I wrote for my audition, but it didn't do as well for the improvising parts of the audition. Today, I had just found out that I got in ! I don't have a specific role yet, and I don't even think I have any speaking lines... Is being an extra proving anything, or is it just another sign telling me to stick with fashion and art !?

        Well... I'm not quite sure, but if I really love the stage that much and I'm willing to work my butt off to become "worthy enough", then isn't being an extra suppose to be enough ? All I know is that I will keep trying to audition for as many things as possible in the time I have left in high school and make my performances in my drama minor class as amazing as possible. Who knows, maybe having fun and enjoying the stage is just good enough...

Editor: A.B.

Challenging Comfort Zones

      Well, if you had read my piece "The Perfect Score", you will know about me stressing out from school. Here's what's happening so far...

      I just finished sculpting my visual art clay assignment today that was suppose to be done yesterday that I couldn't finish because I was sick. I just finished a homework drawing assignment just now that was suppose to be handed in on Monday. I'm not done the other drawing homework that is suppose to be due tomorrow and we have a full coloured idea sketch due next Monday for our next unit. For drama, we have a monologue assignment that our class started yesterday That I missed because I was sick, so I'm already behind. I had to think of a new character because my drama teacher didn't liked it. Plus performance day is next Tuesday. I just finished writing my monologue, but my printer broke so I will have to print it at school tomorrow. 

      The thing is my drama teacher, Ms. L, wants me to do a more serious kind of character. Which is harder because it's easier to do comedy and so many people are doing comedy ! I know I can be funny so maybe this is a challenge for me I guess... For the art clay thing I just finished today, I did a ballerina. I was going to do a pair of high heels but everyone keeps telling me to do something else ! If you know me at all, you will know that I love fashion, so that's why I basically do fashion related stuff for all my art assignments. It's what I do best. This time I'm getting out of my comfort zones for both visual art and drama, and I don't know if it's helping me or just stressing me out.

      I couldn't help but wonder... is stepping out of your comfort zone always the right thing to do ? When can we know that we have gone too far ? Can we only learn from mistakes, or are there other ways to succeed ? What I do know is that it's definitely not easy, and it means that we have to focus even more and put in more effort. It can be scary, stressful, worrying, and regretful, but maybe it won't turn out as bad as we thought it would and then we can let go of some of our insecurities. 

Editor: A.B.

The Perfect Score

      I haven't been writing and posting as much simply because of school... It's always more stressful after the mid-term because it's closer to final exams. The workload and assignments did got more difficult, but that's not why I'm stressed out. I'm stressing out because after seeing my marks for my arts courses, I wasn't happy. Look, my marks weren't bad, it's just not good enough in my eyes. My Visual Art is okay. It's my Drama's mark that shocked me. 

      Even though drama is my minor, I still expected myself to do good. I'm a grade 10 in a grade 9 drama class because I got into the enriched program just this year and they didn't want me to skip the basics of drama. A lot of people think that because of my dramatic personality and how I'm funny, I'd be good at acting. So, I got my hopes up a little bit... It's not like I'm failing or anything, but I just really don't think I'm a bad actor. Yes, I do have stage fright sometimes and I fall back into the minor characters if there's a stronger actor in my group. That doesn't mean I suck right !? I'm a little behind in visual art because I keep redoing my assignments half way through to make it better. I'm just so scared that it won't be good enough. I kept having these ambitious, crazy, and difficult ideas for my projects and I don't even know if I can do them.

      I have always been a perfectionist in areas that I care about. I was unhappy because I thought that perfection is decided by others. I got happier because I believed that I am the only one who can say if I'm perfect or not. I think that before I go on stage to do my drama solo performance tomorrow, I should not care about the marks. I believe that we performers shouldn't let the scores or marks, but the joy and the love we have for the stage, define us. 

      

Editor: A.B.

Waiting For Life

                         

      Today was one of those nasty Mondays that just takes so much effort to get out of bed. I thought to myself, "school is boring and so is life". Even though I know it's not true, I believed it for just a few hours. It's one of those days that I want to sleep forever. Nothing was really making me happy or satisfied, and I'm sure a lot of people feel the same on some days. 

      One of my friends always tell me that she wants something big or interesting happen in her life. I would always say to her, "then do something and interesting !" It isn't wrong to say that if you want to have a great life, go be great and make your life interesting. It is our life, and we can either make it the best life ever, or we can do nothing and just wait for something to happen. 

      What my friend said isn't wrong, because I feel like everyone is waiting. Everyone is waiting for something in life. There's those children waiting for Christmas, those people waiting for their first kiss, those couples waiting for their babies to be born, and those people waiting for their dreams to come true. I am also waiting for something big to happen. We all want that big twist in our lives that makes everything wonderful and turns our life into a fairy tale. What reminds us that life is not a fairy tale is that while we wait, we also have to work hard towards it. Without effort, some things will just never happen.

      So keep your patience and go on waiting. Dream your heart out and just wait, but never wait too long. Stay clear on what's realistic and what's fairy tales. 

Editor: A.B.

The Arts Industry - The Costs

      From my last piece, I mentioned how tough it is to make it in the Arts' industry because there is so much competition. Before even the competition, we need to think of how we are going to get into that competition and the costs of doing so.

      This is not only for the arts careers, but for all careers that are tough and that force you to give up a lot of things along the way to success. I'm going to focus on the arts area because that's what I want. People tell me that the arts path is like a fire that burns money, and this can be the truth. A lot of the art colleges that have great programs of design, visual art, music, dance...etc are getting more expensive every year. Not everyone is as talented as Gabrielle Chanel who grew up an orphan and taught herself fashion design, and not a lot of people can get scholarships... So I guess either we need to be rich, have like three jobs, or have student debt.

      Even before that, just buying art brushes, ballet shoes, strings for your instrument can cost a lot of money. I really don't want to keep bringing up money because it kills the dream. I love to be in dreamy, romantic fantasies where people just get what they need and are happy, but the truth is that if we don't work hard we will become failures. We also need to see the ugly dark side of the society we're in with the scandals of money, drugs...etc. No one is perfect and the same goes for the world we live in. That's why it's important for us to work hard on fixing this society.

      Well, everyone has to pay the cost of success, and that's work. The cost of friendships are time, effort, and care. The cost of family is love. The cost of love is acceptance. See ! I just made pricing and money sound cute. Seriously, remember the costs of your future and your life, and own them and pay them. 

      Also, thank you guys so much if you still read my blog !!! I want to share my ask.fm account, so if you guys have any questions on my blog pieces or if you have any topic ideas, just leave a comment on my ask.fm wall !!! It's @LeonTsai  and anything is welcome <3 xoxo 

The Arts Industry - The Chances

      What is Art ? What do you think of when you see the word Art ? A lot of people say things like expressing yourself, creativity, diversity, differences...etc. My views on art were like those too when I first started my grade nine high school year in the arts program. This year, as I looked deeper into the art I'm learning and the environment of artists, I have found that it's very different. 

      Maybe it's because I switched to a more enriched program, or maybe it's just because we are a year older, but as I looked into the art, I seem to be losing myself. Yes of course Art can be those beautiful things we talked about, but the Art industry can be nasty. I have always wanted to be a fashion designer in NYC, with fabulous night clubs, luxury fabrics, shoes, fancy events, and people. Then I asked myself, after slapping myself out of the Sex & The City fantasies, is this industry what I really want ? The thought of evening competing and fighting for that one dream job with millions of other talented people kills me. They are literally measuring talents and comparing them. I don't have to imagine that feeling, I can feel that in the arts' program. Don't get me wrong, the arts' program is truly amazing, and it gives us a very professional and creative way to improve our area of skills, but it's gathering together a lot people who have the same dream. I can work on this assignment for two weeks, try my best, restart two times, and still see that girl who only needs one week and gets a better result than me. Yes, talents can improve and grow, but those people who are already ahead of the game make me nervous. I don't know if I can live like this. Even if I get to have my own brand, it still will be a competition with other brands. This industry looks for the best and wants only the best.

      Maybe this kind of pressure pushes us to become better artists and people, but I feel like we are just waiting for ourselves to snap from the pressure. The one that survives is the one that's successful and can really make their dreams come true. Maybe I'm just a weakling who still needs time to manage the pressure and the concepts. This is what I need to accept if I want to make it big in this industry. Sometimes I'm jealous of those who have a cute small dream. You know those who want to own a bakery or just become a local retail shop owner. Very cute, realistic, and fabulous, but not something I would want. I know that if I want things, I have to suck it up. The Art industry I'm talking about is the industry where people become stars, singers and actors on Broadway, great fashion designers, professional dancers or super models.

      As unrealistic as those careers sound, that's what I want, and knowing the ugly sides of this industry makes me anxious. It's both beautiful and ugly, like our society. What are the chances of us even getting to where we want ? The chance percentage is probably smaller than the chance of me receiving a Chanel classic 2.55 flap purse as a gift. Maybe that's not true. Do you even guys how expensive Chanel is !? Anyway, if we want our big dreams, we have to work hard. 

Editor: A.B.

Dreams

      Are dreams just some fun fantasies we humans have in spare times or is it something meant for us to work hard on and make them come true ? I have asked a lot of adults (mostly Asians) what is their dream, but a lot of them said that they don't have one. They said they just went into whatever career they could and settled. I think it's different for North America and Europe, but back then in Asia, when my parents were kids, they didn't usually have dreams. They told me that they worked hard to get good grades, went to good schools, and did whatever jobs they found because they needed money. They needed money not only to survive, but also to support their parents.

      I always have found it a little sad not having a dream, because for me, I have been working towards my dream since I was six years old. Everything about me is about my dream career and my future. It might seem great for some people to settle down on a path so young, but it's scary. It's scary because when I finish school and this career doesn't work out, I basically will have nothing. My life will fall apart the second people tell me I don't have what it takes when I go to New York, and that is why we need plan Bs, Cs, and however many we need. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not sad not having a dream. Those adults aren't depressed, and they have raised beautiful families and are wonderful parents. Maybe their dreams were slowing building in their hearts and they didn't know it. Maybe their dreams were to become successful and support their family. Maybe they didn't want to be chained to one path. Just maybe.

      I know what's sad: when you aren't great at what you love. To be honest, I absolutely adore singing, dancing, and performing. I want to be a star. The reason I tell people I want to be a fashion designer is that I'm more talented in visual art and design. I believe that everyone has a special and beautiful talent, but what if my talent is something I like and not love ? It's scary to admit that I love singing more than fashion, because I've been working on fashion design my whole life and I'm not ready to throw that away. I was so hyped about fashion and art, and I went into it right away. Now, I'm just sad because I'm not gonna switch my path in life because it's too risky. I can't let myself lose everything. I will have to suck it up and be backstage and let the models have the spotlight.

      Maybe we all are meant to use our talents to do something great. It's okay to not be Leyoncé and perform on a stage. Maybe my role in life is to make dresses for people and make other people's dreams come true. The perfect dress and the perfect pair of shoes can make a a lot of people's dreams come true. Ask Cinderella. 

Editor: A.B.

A Selfish Thanksgiving

      There is so much to thank for in our life. In fact, we should be thankful for almost everything. Today is Thanksgiving, but I'm quite ungrateful these days. You see, there is this trip to Italy for the arts' program students at my school in March break, and my family can't afford for me to go. I have been trying to find a job, but my parents say that even if I have a job, they still can't let me go. It's a huge amount of money, I know, but I just want to go so badly !

      Well, my family already went to Taiwan this summer and we just finished our basement. Also we are going to Florida during Christmas break. This year is like our big luxury year. I also did a lot of shopping this year, so I will seem like a spoiled brat if I whine about Italy... but everyone wants things and it's human nature to want. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I am just so thankful for everything they do for me, it's just sad and unfortunate to not go. Come on ! It's Italy !!!

      Imagine the art, the architecture, and the cute Italian guys... Italy isn't anything like New York City, but it's definitely one of the most fabulous and fashionable places ever. I know that I am selfish, and I'm ashamed of saying that I'm selfish. I want to be selfless but I just can't. Everything I want is hard to get. NYC, Parsons, Chanel...everything in fashion is expensive. It sucks but that's reality. Money is important in the world we live in, not only for luxury, but also to survive.

      I'm also jealous, jealous of those people who don't want the same things as I do. Some just want to finish college here in town I live in, get a nice job, and have a cute family, which is simple and realistic. Mine, is not only barely affordable, but also not very realistic in terms of success, but I guess that's the future. Right now, I think we all just need to be happy with what we have in our lives. If we are not happy with our lives, we either need to find the positive things and deal with the negative, or just ask ourselves, "are we not happy because we are not satisfied ? Do we want too much ?" Because having too much can sometimes make us lose ourselves.

      Maybe I shouldn't go to Italy at all, maybe something great will happen to me here in March. Maybe something is planned to happen that is better than Italy. Think positive people, and be grateful. 

Editor: A.B.