I Am... Transgender.

          It's all been repressed for so long, how am I suppose to know who I really am ? All my life, I've been trying to reach the concept of perfection, satisfying the world around me, and understanding the idea of self-love. How am I suppose to know what I want ? Maybe perhaps the answer is to stop asking these questions, and just try to catch that gut feeling, and live with that. It's funny, after learning so much about psychology and philosophy, I still can't seem to know who I am as a human being.

          I... Am... Transgender.

          Transgender. (adjective.) - denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender and/or sex.

          So Transgender is actually an umbrella term, so being Gender Fluid, Gender Queer, Demi-Girl...etc falls under the category of being Trans, yet I was just so afraid to use the big T word. There're just so many questions, so many doubts, so many stigmas, and so many stereotypes. Being Transgender does not have to be binary, it does not always include surgery, and sometimes not even hormone replacement therapy. I can change absolutely nothing physically and still label myself as Transgender. It's about who I want to be and who I want to be seen as. People need to understand this, because it's important, so so important.

          Looking back in my life, I've always aspire to be feminine, and I've only truly felt beautiful in women's wear. But then, I learned about gender philosophy, and I didn't want to be Trans because if I come out as Trans just because I'm feminine, aren't I submitting myself to the rules of gender that's constructed by our society ? Then I realized that I need to chill, like seriously, just because I learned about some philosophy, I can't expect myself to not be affected by society at all. I live in this society and I want to be a woman, the woman that was created by society. I know that being a woman does not equal to being feminine, but I think that I'm honestly just a feminine lady at heart. Plus, I want to grow my hair out ! When I was a kid, I made up this thing called "The Perfect Woman", I designed a look of a woman that I thought was the most beautiful version of a woman can be. Now looking back, maybe that's a woman that I myself wanted to be, and not meant for others. I am interested in hormone replacement therapy, but I don't think I'll need the bottom surgery. I'm doing my own research and finding resources and stuff, so don't worry ! It'll be a difficult path of life, but I really think that I'm strong enough, and this is what I want. 

          It's difficult for me to admit what I want, and to say who I want to be... I'm scared. I have to fight for so much, and me coming out as Gender Fluid felt like a social experiment. I dressed in womenswear 95% of the time and only a few of my friends know about me being actually Trans at heart. I told people that I didn't have a preferred pronoun, and I saw people choose. Some still see me as a man, even with makeup, even with dresses, why ? Is it just because that I was born with a penis ? And some chose to see me as a woman, why ? Because I'm wearing stereotypically what a female wears ? It was interesting, and I didn't know why I allowed myself to do that to myself. Because it created even more doubt, and even more hesitation to come out as Transgender. Learning and hearing others' views of who you should be ? It really messed me up a little.

          I don't think I pass though, and many probably don't think that I'm physically feminine enough to be a pretty woman. But I have to be happy, and I just have to be honest to myself, I owe that to myself. I say that I have no preferred pronouns but whenever people use "she/her", I just couldn't help but to smile, it really does warm up my heart, and I have to admit it. I may not be a pretty woman, but at least I'll be the most beautiful self I can ever be, my true self. Does it matter how much of a woman I want to become ? If I'm 50% man, 50% woman, I'll be Gender Queer ? If I'm 75% woman and 25% man, I'm Demi-Girl ? What matters is that I do feel like a woman, and I want the world to respect that.

          I... Am Transgender. I am a Woman. 

          At last, I may finally be Free. No more Tears, just Love.

Gender Trouble Part 2 - Me.

          You know, maybe my mom is more supportive than I thought.

          After yesterday's event with my mom's friend, my mom barely said a word about the topic, so I started a conversation with her later on alone because I wanted to know her opinion of me questioning to be transgender. She's actually pretty chill, but she still lectured me, like a mom.

          She gave me a talk about dress codes and all that stuff. She still doesn't like me in dresses, but not because of me identifying as a female, but because of my size. I mean, her views on beauty isn't perfect, but at least she's chill. She also mentioned that she thinks that I dress myself in a way that's extremely sexy and feminine because of the way I feel like I have to prove my femininity, to make a passable woman. Yet she wants me to understand that I don't need my heels and mini skirts to feel that power, I should have that power in me. The essence of me shouldn't be because of the glamour, the sex appeal, or the femininity that I'm trying to portray. The femininity and grace should be within me even just with my sensual vulnerability. The power and beauty of me should be because of my talent, my passion, my love and care for others, and not be there because of a shell that I've used to prove something to the world.

          I mean, of course she could've meant it in a way to convince me not to dress like that, but thanks to her, I realized that it's true. I've armored myself to such extremes to prove something. Sometimes I dress to impress others instead of myself. And now I wonder if I do anything for myself, because of the fact that I care so much. I just care so much for the others who surround me, what they think and how they feel, but I need to not only start thinking about myself, but for myself. I need to love myself for me and be beautiful because I feel beautiful, not because I want to look beautiful.

          Again, it's a work in progress and it takes time. But this is all worth it, I have to find myself.

Editor K.L.S

Gender Trouble Part 1 - Time.

          During my trip to Toronto for an university's open house, my mom's friend started asking questions about my gender as I'm basically now wearing dresses whenever I feel like it. There was definitely tension, and I tried really hard to explain my case of questioning if I'm transgender and how I identify as gender-fluid at the moment. I also used some of my gender studies' knowledge to defend myself talking about gender theories and the gender spectrum.

          What got to me is the lack of appreciation and knowledge some adults have for the transgender community. The way they think that you have to look feminine and look like a "female" or else it's not natural or beautiful. The idea of a passable woman is disgusting and scary. For example, if I'm transgender and I don't look feminine enough or if people can easily tell that I was born in a male body, I can get more judgement. It sickens me how the idea of passing as a female or not base on the society's definition of femininity. My mom's friend also had a hard time understanding my decision to come out as gender-fluid when I'm questioning if I'm transgender, saying things like: "Why can't you respect your male body?", "I understand, I see some men who are transgender and I see why, because they look so feminine and slim. Yet you have a very masculine body and face...", and "Well if you're gender fluid, why not wear more men clothes, it can be uncomfortable for others...". It upsets me that I may not make a passable woman, yet I think we need to know that this is all bullshit. No one has the right to tell a woman, whether born a female or male, it does not matter, how a woman should look. No one has the right to define femininity and masculinity. No one has the right to decide for you. No one.

          One thing that she said that spoke to me though was the fact that I'm now wearing "female" clothes 90% of the time. I can't possibly deny the fact that I feel happier and more beautiful to traditional female attire, and that says something against the idea of gender fluidity. I'm not fluid. I try really hard not to define femininity and masculinity, and convince myself and the world that there shouldn't be gender labels on fashion. Yet, I still do it.

          I realize that it's no longer about my family and getting the resource and support if I do ever transition. Because, I don't have to have a vagina to be a woman. That is not what a woman is about, and I can still identify as a female even with a penis. I think it's just difficult for me to actually get into the mindset of being transgender. I've repressed my femininity for so long and it's scary. Also, as a person who's very much into fashion and beauty, I know I will never be passable in my own mind. I have to change my mindset, I have to be more free and open minded towards myself. 

          I'm still in denial, and now, all I need is... Time.

Scars Part 2 - I'm Afraid.

          I'm Afraid. 

          Even without saying that I'm trans, many online already think I am with the pictures of myself in a dress and make-up. I guess it's okay but I can already feel the pressure of the society's beauty standards on women. I'm afraid that my self-esteem will just go back to the way it started as and everything I've worked hard for self-love will be gone like that. I just don't feel like I'm beautiful enough for a woman, and I know that the beauty standards are bullshit. But I'm still insanely insecure....

          I know I'll be able to work on loving myself again with the friends and support that I now have, but what about my family !? I seriously don't think they'll be able to support me even if they wanted to, and I won't be able to have the resources to transition. And maybe in the future, I may be able to afford to transition myself, but is there even a point for me to do it after puberty !? And I understand that I can still be transgender without going through a transition, I'm sure my friends and my family can support me enough to use the right pronoun and see me as a female overtime. But what about love ? It's no doubt that it's way more difficult for a trans person to find love, and it's really upsetting. The more unique and free I am, I seem to be just moving and moving into a smaller and smaller amount of possible partners. it's almost like me having to choose between myself or love. And I just had a thought a few days ago, why are all my crushes on straight men !? Is it really just because that's my type ? Is it really because I'm afraid of rejection ? No, no it's not. Maybe it's because I feel like a woman deep down inside. Just maybe....

          Plus, let's say I never go through transition, how will I find a straight man that can see me as a female with a male body !? Can somehow really still love me when I strip away the dress, the heels, and the make-up !? Can I !? Because I don't even think I can.... I'm afraid, I'm scared that everything will change and I'll lose everything that I have worked for. I'm just too afraid to let go. And it's scary, it's really scary to go back to that place. A place of self-hate and vulnerability, knowing that you're an outcast and getting all these hateful judgement and comments. People over the years have gained more respect for the Gay and Lesbian community, but the Transgender people are still getting bullied and bashed every single day. I know I'm strong enough to fight through it, because I did. But I don't think I'm ready for that and I don't think I want to either.

          Maybe being afraid is okay, and I need to accept my fear. But I also need to know that everything will be okay and I just gotta to be brave. It's never easy finding or/and being yourself. Yet I truly believe that it'll be all worth it. 

          I want to be free, and I have to. I am a Mermaid.

Scars Part 1 - I'm Not Ready.

          It's not easy. I tried to convince myself that I'm done, and I'm all set with myself. But I'm not, I'm not finished. There's something more, I know there's something more.

          I know that in my Blog piece a while ago, I settled with the issue of questioning me being transgender with coming out as Gender-Fluid. But the thing is, it's not settled. I tried to push the thought of me being trans out of my head but it just comes rushing back sometimes and it really can be upsetting. There are times where I image my future and I see myself in a dress, there are times where I daydream about having breasts or even wonder what it'll be like to have a baby. And just a few days ago, at my school's Semi-Formal, I felt so beautiful and sexy in my dress, heels, make-up and curled hair, and I just feel like I'm running away from a problem I already have an answer of.

          But I can't, I can't right now. I don't think I'm ready to accept the answer right now. I'm afraid. I know some people think that I'm so brave for being who I am, but I'm still scared. And the thing is, my family and my culture, it's just not going to be an easy road and I'm not ready. I really thought that I was finished with myself. I thought that I'm free. But I'm still being confined, being Gender-Fluid is suppose to be freeing, and saying that I'm fluid with both genders. But I'm still dressing like a female 90% of the time and the fact that I'm still seeing the clothes with a gender difference, it's clear that I'm not fluid. Plus, even if I do come out as Transgender, I don't think I'll have the resource to be able to transition.

          I really don't know... Maybe I'm just not as brave or strong as I thought I was.

          

The Trans Issue Part 2 - I'm Not Brave Enough

          Before we start, I think we all need to understand that sex is different than gender. Sex is physical, while Gender is a performance. Me being Gender-Fluid is saying that I don't give a fuck about what my sex is, and my gender changes to whatever I feel like that specific day, it is fluid, and I allow myself to separate my body from my behaviours. I don't need to be masculine or wear "mens' wear" just because my sex is male. Style doesn't need to have direct connections with our body parts.

          I think it takes courage to be free, but this courage risks hurting others. It isn't fully about yourself. I am from a family where my gender identity doesn't exist, and I'm constantly hurting them whenever I show the world my statements and beliefs. I'm constantly disagreeing with their own beliefs and statements. These problems with my family aren't all about their acceptance, or understanding, or lack of. They too need to deal with others asking about me and judging them for having a family member like me. Now, I would expect a friend to stand up for me and face the world with me by my side, but it would be truly selfish of me to expect the same from my family. I know it's difficult; it took me years to understand myself, accept myself, stand up for myself, and love myself. I just hope that with enough time, they will understand, as it did for myself.

          Many of you have told me that I'm brave or courageous. I think it may be true that it takes courage to put yourself out there like this, and to put all the flaws and struggles in my life out on a little website for people to read and judge. However, even though I don't like to admit it, I am asking for approval. Sometimes, when I don't get the approval from my family that I need, I go and search for this support from my friends and the world. I need this, to help myself to grow and love myself. I'm not there yet. I'm not capable of loving myself entirely yet. So do understand that every comment and encouragement means just so much to me, because you're helping me gain love for myself. I also do this in hope that one day I can help people too. I want people to know that they're not alone, and that there is still hope. 

          That's why I'm not brave enough. I'm still scared and I doubt myself everyday. I truly appreciate everyone around me who supports me and loves me no matter what I do. I'm a human too, I make mistakes, and I want to be better. Trans or not, mermaid or not, I'm the same as everyone, a human. 

          A human searching for their own, and other's love.

Editor: A.B.

The Trans Issue Part 1 - I'm a Mermaid.

          Many of you have been supportive over me coming out as Gender-Fluid, and I really appreciate that. I think it's great how caring and supportive people's reactions have been. Many still have questions, it's okay, because I still am searching for answers too. But I think I'm ready to put an end to this fire I've revealed to the world. The world has seen enough of the flames, and here's the closure I think we all need to put them out. The thing is, I don't think I will ever fully transition even if I do come out as transgender. It will only put me through an extremely difficult time, one that I've been through already over coming as gay and now coming out as Gender-Fluid. I am just not willing to put myself and the people who love me through this experience again.

          So am I a female inside ? Yes. But I am also a man inside and out. See, not many people in Asia understand the whole Gender-Fluid thing (not to speak for everyone but just from my experiences), so I don't expect my family or family friends to understand the Transgender thing. I've been raised to force myself to be a man for so long that even if I am a girl trapped inside, I wouldn't know how to let her out. So I'm deciding to settle in the middle ground. I've now freed that girl within and fused her with the man on the outside, and going as Gender-Fluid. At this point I find it hard to know who I really am, how do I know who I am now has not been influenced, turning me into something I'm not? I believe that there is a true and pure self with in all of us and that's our most original self, our childhood. That's the most unique and true version of us all. 

          When I was in kindergarten, I loved swimming and I would tuck my little penis in between my thighs and cross my ankles to swim like a mermaid. I've always loved mermaids and I hadn't realized until two years ago, that mermaids don't have genitals. They are usually seen as free and beautiful, without a body part to define their existence (so now you all know what my mermaid references meant in my past blog pieces). I've always only played with barbies when I was a child, and I would only play a female character in video games. I payed attention to details of women and I would only draw female bodies. I looked up to my mother like an idol and I loved her clothes and shoes...etc. Also, I've always loved a woman's curve and breasts, I love drawing them and think they are beautiful. A female body to me is an art, beautiful and lovely. Now everything I just said may scream "girl trapped in boy's body", but I also have a few big important differences with other transgender people that may prove that I'm just a very feminine man. I've never actually hated my genitals and I've never had extreme disgust with my body (gender wise, I've struggled with loving my weight though). Maybe it's because I never knew that this was a thing since they don't talk about that kind of stuff back where I came from, and maybe my struggles with loving my body are not purely due to my weight. But does this matter ? I find it depressing that even if I do want to become a female, I won't and can't make it happen. I find myself doing something many of you who also support the LGBTQA+ community may not understand. I will learn to love my body, even if I feel like a different gender inside. I think I'll be a fabulous Drag Queen in the future, and I'll be happy from my success (hopefully) as well as with the loved ones and those who have supported and loved me. So, I think I will not let a label such as gender define me anymore, because I don't want to be restricted any longer, not even by the female standards.

          So I really hope this gives some closure on this topic for myself and for the others who have wondered, because I think people still have questions about the Gender-Fluid thing, which is okay. I do admit, I say that fashion should have nothing to do with gender, but is that really possible ? If that's really true, then why do we need Drag culture and why do I still feel weird using the men's bathroom in heels ? Stereotypes are imprinted on our brains and it would take more time than we ever imagined to lose all the expectations of gender. But we have to keep trying, because it's our job to make sure it's different, and better for the next generation.

          So again I am here, sharing my story as a mermaid. The only difference is that after all these years I've become stronger, so strong that now I have a tail of steel. I'm here to say that we as humans need to change our society into a more accepting, and loving one so we can all be free. People shouldn't have to go through what I went through, people aren't supposed to force themselves to be strong and to wake up every morning wondering if one day, their families will finally understand. People shouldn't be forced to hide who they are inside and aren't suppose to be shamed to conform to society's standards. 

          People shouldn't need to be mermaids to be free.

Editor K.L.S.

I am... Free.

          So many of you who've read my recent Blog pieces or those of you who have spoken with me recently, will know that I am now Gender-Fluid and can go by either or both Male and Female. I think that at least for now, this is the only way I can be free. I've always questioned if I was transgender and if I wanted to become a female or not, but I also know that I will not and can not do anything about it even if I am this. So why not just be both? I'm tired of being restricted by endless gender stereotypes, roles, expectations, and fashion limits...etc. I think it's time for us humans beings to just treat each other as human beings. Freedom is a luxury that many enjoy, and sometimes Freedom can be selfish, but no matter how selfish I can seem, I will not allow myself to be limited by society's standards. I have to be free.

          I'm happy with the reactions and responses I've received from people over this. But honestly, most people already saw it coming. I mean, I kinda did have a long smooth transition. First the make-up, then the heels, and by the time I wore a skirt to school, people stopped caring. After all, they are just labels. I'd much rather fill my life with labels like Chanel, Dior...etc, then with gender labels that come with expectations and limitations. I do believe that fashion should be just an expression of self, and should go beyond gender, race, and sexuality oriented labels. So it's not about what I'm wearing and what you see and think, it's about me embracing both my masculinity and femininity, and living as a complex human being.

          I think it's completely fine if you don't agree or understand. Yes, I am a man by legal terms with my penis, but we're talking about feelings, not law and science. I want to open myself to all the possibilities as a human being and re-claim my body. I want to no longer be told on how to act or dress based on my gender. And no, I will not use a Gender neutral bathroom either. I think there's one in my school that no one knows about, it's like in the office or something. I am not going all the way to the office to pee and make a scene about it. Now, I kinda just use both gender washrooms in my school depending how I feel and what I am wearing that day. (I don't really know if that's okay or not according to the school rules) The thing is that, I really don't give a shit. Washrooms are never comfortable for me and I'm just there to get the job done and fix my hair. I don't care about others' judgments and views of me personally, but I do care for others' feelings. So I'm just worried that others may feel uncomfortable with me being in either or both of the washrooms. I'll never get offended or anything as long as you speak to me politely and respectfully. Because if you don't feel comfortable, I can just go to the other washroom or pee later, I really don't care. It's a big issue for other Transgender kids, but I'm weirdly more chill in this situation.

          Pronouns and washrooms are not my problem, my only problem is hoping that others aren't feeling uncomfortable because of me. And don't ever think I'm using this to my advantage, I mean sure, maybe now I can room with my girlfriends on a school overnight trip, and maybe less is expected of me now in terms of societal standards, but I honestly just want to be happy and free. Believe it or not, this freedom caused me to give up something many would find important. I feel like as a Gender-fluid person, I'm giving up part of myself and my identity. I meant that I'm actually giving you the choice and power to see me however you like, male and/or female. If you're a man and you're attracted to me, will you be gay or straight? Or maybe even Pan-sexual? See how confusing labels can be? Just love me already, I'm too desperate to wait for my Prince Charming to question his own sexuality. I think labels are good to a point with helping us understand ourselves, but sometimes instead of grouping people together, we should all just be one thing: human beings. We are all unique and different, we are not going to find a label that fits us perfectly. So, I may not even be Gender-fluid based on your definition of that label. But I honestly don't give a fuck.

          Well, even though now I'm free from many standards and expectations. I seem to have one more label added on my belt. Or we can just all ignore all these labels and just remember that we're all human beings loving other human beings?

Editor: K.L.S

I am... Perverted. Part 2 - Dying A Little Inside

          So, obviously my dad freaked out. Honestly, I'm not even that angry at my mom for bringing it up. It's something he has to face sooner or later, but I don't feel relieved either. Because it could be a complete waste of time trying to explain things to him. And I really hope that someday, he can just finally understand...

          He kept saying that he doesn't want me to hurt my body. He said that he wasn't happy that I pierced my ears either, but what could I say, I already did it. I apologized, and that I don't think if a Transgender person want to change his/her body, it's hurting that body, it's altering the body to match the inside. I promised that if I want to change my body, I will do it in the future when I can make decisions myself and support my own living. He didn't seem to understand anything at all and it felt useless to explain furthermore. He called Transgender a stage and before that is the "Perverted and Abnormal" stage where one dresses like the opposite sex and do minor changes to his/her body like piercings. He treated it like a disease where it has stages and many harmful consequences. The word "pervert" will never be the same for me, and I never thought he could ever use that word on me. I was in shock and kept asking my mother to defend me, but her response just made me feel even worse. She said, "You can't blame him right now, he needs time. I thought that too at first, I just convinced myself over the months and I coped with it better." I found it shocking to know that even my mom thought that of me, and it felt like everything was a lie. I felt betrayed, that there's no such thing as acceptance in this family anymore...

          I told my dad that it's not abnormal and it's not something to be ashamed of, that most of Canada is accepting of it and that my school and my friends are all very supportive. I also brought up some names of my mom's friends who've talked to me about this and seemed supportive. But my dad just said that they're all lying to me, no one could possibly think that this is right and that they're all just looking at our family as a joke. It really felt like my whole world was crushing down, no matter how many facts and proofs I had, he could deny it and look pass it. He even asked to meet with some of these parents who have children of my "kind" and wanted to ask how they could do it. He didn't believe that parents could accept such thing and asked me not to wear "female things" anymore. I said that I'm sorry but I can't. I can promise that I won't "hurt" my body before I leave them, but I can not give up my freedom of fashion. It's one of the only things I have left. I need my heels. I tried to get support from my mom again as she was the one who bought me half of those clothes, but she defended my dad instead. They all said that I was hurting the family and that I was being selfish. I felt helpless as there was really nothing more I could say. My mom ended the fight moving the focus back to my brother and saying that she just want a peaceful family and she's trying her best to support her children. My dad added that he would keep working hard for his career to support us from Taiwan. Everyone left the living room and I was the last one to go up stairs...

          I cried on the floor trying not to make too much noise and I felt like the world was spinning. (I know it's dramatic and cheesy, but bare with me) I know they love me and that it must be really difficult for them too, but I find it hard to stand in their shoes when they can't even listen to my perspective of things. Trust me, I do want to have a simple happy family and I wish that I'm just a normal straight Asian teenager, but I'm not and I only hope that they can understand someday that I have to be myself. I couldn't help but to feel alone and had to seek for support from my friends... again. I never wanted to be the friend with the problems, but I'm grateful to have such wonderful friends at this stage of my life. (Shout out to my Friends who have not stopped loving me after all these years of struggles)

          And I get it, it's hard to swallow so much in just a few days for my family, especially my dad. He came to help my brother, he must be stressed enough. And my mom only ever wanted peace and a simple family. They all acted normal after that night, not normal, better actually. They acted like there was no fight or problems, and my dad has been hugging me a lot. I love my family so much, and I know they're only trying to fix things, but I'm not sure if they can be the same to me after this. I... I think I'll need a little more time and space. It still hurts too much. And I could never forget what hurts the most, him blaming himself and my mom for this. He said that he finally could see what kind of parents they are and that he suddenly felt like nothing has a purpose in life anymore. It broke my heart and it's ridiculous that I'm still the one feeling guilty over this whole thing. It breaks my heart to know that he can care more about how others see our family than my happiness, it breaks my heart that he felt like he has failed as a father, it breaks my heart that he might never understand or accept me for what I am. And it will break my heart forever to know that to him, I'm a pervert.

          I'm sorry dad, but I have to keep going. I will wear the clothes I love and being who I am. I know I will never be the son you want me to be, and I can never make you proud. I'm sorry that I bring so much to the family and that I'm hurting you all. But I can not back down again, I have to love myself and take care of my happiness. Because who else can take care of our happiness if we can't even be responsible of it ? It's a dark time for me, and probably many others who are also struggling. And for those who's afraid of your families not accepting or loving you for who you are. Do me a favor: stand tall, be proud, and never stop loving yourselves. Because I see the beauty in all of you that they may not be able see. Be free, be wild, be beautiful, and be unique.

          Just be YOU.

I am... Perverted. Part 1 - Thanksgiving & Coming-Out

          So with Thanksgiving and Canada's National Coming-Out day being in the same weekend, me and my mother has gotten into a fight. My dad just arrived in Canada a few days ago to fix some problems in our family as my brother has been having some issues. Everything seemed fine for like two days and everyone just pretended like we're a happy perfect family, but I knew that the peace would be ruined sooner or later. I knew that this piece of paper would not be able to cease the fire within, I just hoped that it wasn't me who ripped the paper and released the flames...

          The fight between me and my mom was nothing really. But like all our fights in the family, it brings back the unsolved issues in the past. I finally snapped and brought up the real reason why my dad came to visit suddenly and I really don't want to have to deal with family issues right now in my life. I've been busy trying to hold everything in my life together that I would just want them to understand if I'm being a little bitchy. But no, my dad who came to "fix" problems, wanted me to tell him why I wasn't happy with the family. I talked and talked and told him about me being gay (which he already knew from me coming out to him at the beginning of the year), but he ignored it and still kept asking me about dating girls and completely acted like nothing had happened. He thought there was something wrong with my body and that it was a phase. So I made it clear to him that it's not and I do like men, and I don't need him to accept or understand it 100%, but at least not ignore it. We had a heart to heart conversation and he claims that he accepts me, but he who does not know the difference of Homosexuality and Transgender questioned if I would go too far of being gay and become a girl. I made sure that he understood that I am only gay and the end, but my mom who was still angry from the fight with me, brought up the fact that I did in fact questioned if I was transgender and that I didn't know what I am. Well, that fucked everything up.

          Yes, I did questioned if I am Transgender, many of you who read my blog would know. I really do wonder if I want to be a girl or not. After all, I do already dress like a female. It's something I still struggle with and I for now, am just going with Gender-Fluid. Gender is a label, and I am already breaking the gender barrier of Fashion, why not break the social gender standard completely ? I love the world, the fashion, and everything and I would like to experience things without restrictions just because of a body part. So call me a "she", "he", "it"...etc, I don't care. I refuse to be defined by one gender and it's stereotypes, I refuse to be restricted because of what the society has the say. I will be me and be happy. But, my family can't take it, they don't understand and as if right now, I don't think they ever will. And I can't make them go through something like this, if I really want to be female, I will have wait until I'm a grown adult who can support myself. So that's why I never wanted to tell my father about this whole gender thing, I only wanted him to know that I like men, because that's all I can confirm right now at this stage of my life. But everything just went wrong on this Thanksgiving, I mean... Happy National Coming-Out day for me, but it got as ugly as I've ever seen in years...

          I only wish that everyone else had a better Thanksgiving than me, and I'll share the rest of the story in Part 2. Life sucks sometimes, but we gotta stay strong together and never lose hope ! 

He and She Part 2 - The Answer

          Alright. So I've really thinking about it, researching and learning about this topic. And I want to be completely honest. I am not taking time to choose who I want to be. I am trying to understand who I am and this is not a choice. I believe that we're born this way in our own very special way, so just because I may be confused, it doesn't mean I have choices. Because after all, don't we just want to be who we really are ?

          I've always been weirdly feminine I would say. I remember when I was like 5, I used to tuck my little penis under and try on my mother's dresses when my parents were gone. I stopped as I learned what is "acceptable" and I used to pretend that I'm a mermaid princess everyday. I loved swimming as a child and I still do whenever I go swimming. I lived near a community pool back then and I swam everyday. I was obsessed with mermaids and I was convinced I am one. This didn't really concerned me until my best friend showed me a documentary about a transgender little girl loving mermaids and many research on how many transgender children loves the idea of mermaid. The idea of not having what's down there. I began to connect things in my head and it was just a little too much for me. Now, I know I've been bringing a lot of my secrets into public, but I just really want to be honest. I want to just tell myself that these are not embarrassing, in fact, a lot of other people probably have questions too.

          I've met up with one of my best friends and talked about this and I found that I may even be a "Demi-girl" that she introduced. There's so many gender labels, it's not just boy or girl anymore. And that moment, I knew this is all too much for me and I will not and can not spend over months researching and questioning anymore. I now have my answer. My answer is... who the fuck cares !? I think that these labels and fancy names with complicated science definitions are making my head hurt and even more confused. I don't want this. Even being gender fluid where you can't be labeled or be tied to one label has a label, scientific name and wiki page ! And to be honest, I still have mix feelings about how there's more than just male and female.

          It's not that I don't believe that one can be neither male or female. But I think we humans are just way too intelligent and egotistical. We think we know everything and we want to know everything. But I don't think that's always necessary. In my opinion, I believe that there will be more and more these gender labels because we humans will just not stop. The second someone discover themselves as something unique and new, we want to define it and label it to make sure it's accepted and understandable by the rest of society. But no. How about we just let people be who they are and let them define who they are ? How about we just be people ? People is a label that brings us all together and not separate us dividing us into groups. I will no longer worry about what my label is or what I am, because if I just keep living and doing the things I love and love the people I want to love, aren't I being myself enough ? We don't need this. All we need to learn is to accept that we are all the same yet different, and that's what makes this world beautiful.

He or She Part 1 - Questioning

          I think I have to clear something up here. I am a man and I'm quite comfortable with my body parts as a male. I love fashion, and I do believe that fashion should not have limits. But. But you see, I've been struggling to figure who I am as a person. Not my sexuality though, I know I like men and I'm through with that. But my gender identity. I am one of the most feminine boys I know and I do love drag. Is it possible that I will feel more comfortable as a female if I'm already comfortable with being a male !?

          I have been quite open minded about gender identity lately. I usually don't mind if people call me a "she" or see me as a female, because I do understand that I wear heels and act femininely like calling myself a queen. After all, it's just a word, a label. But I do have to admit that gender plays a very important part of who we are and I just want to know who I am. I thought I'm done with just coming out as gay and now this ? It really takes a life time to learn how to live doesn't it ?

          Anyway, I think I can go by both for now, so never feel like you may call me by a wrong gender. I love both genders and all I know right now is that I don't want to have sex with one of them. And I am still scared. Transgenders and queers are still not very accepted in our society and I really don't want more conflicts with my family. I think it really takes strength to know who you are and courage to be who you are. I could be just another gay in drag in the future, who knows ? But I think one of the most difficult times out there is when you're still questioning and even you don't know who you are as a person yet in this world. When we look into our reflections, we should recognize who that person is in front of us and we should feel comfortable and happy. But I'm just here simply don't know. I was scared to tell anyone this for a while because I don't want it to be like a false alarm, but I think I need to show people that it is okay to question yourself and want to explore who you really are. I don't care about the pronouns, gender expectations, which bathroom I uses...etc, I just want to be who I am inside completely and not question my existence.

          I will try more things with my appearances to really explore and see what makes me happy when I look at myself. But I just really think that I need to make this clear since I know a lot of people at school seriously thinks I want to be a female now which is fine, but it's still a maybe. Plus, wouldn't I be a pretty girl !?

Coming Out Part 2 - Bravery

      I just did it. I came out to my dad. I know I said my mom was going to do it, but I did it. At first he did not understand at all. He was worried that I'm not going through puberty right. He started explaining the penis and stuff, and I was like, "Dad, I know I'm a male and I'm very comfortable with that." Then he started saying that I can go to the doctors to see if I don't have enough male hormones. Like no. I'm growing hair where there should be hair and my balls and penis are fine. So I sat with him and stated very clearly that it has nothing to do with my puberty and that I'm just born this way. He still thinks that it's not "normal" and he said that as a father, he would like me to grow up having a family that includes a wife. So I said, "stop. Dad, I know you don't understand right now but answer me this: when I get married, and it will be a man, will you want to come ?" And he sat straight up and said, "yes, of course, I have to be there."

      That was the only thing I needed to know. I didn't need him to understand, I want him to accept the truth that his son is not weird, just different, and knowing that he still loves me and will want to be there to give his blessing is all I want. It's hard, and he definitely said some opinions that hurt my feelings, but sometimes, you just have to give people time, and maybe they will never understand, but it's family. Family is suppose to love you and accept you. My brother says that he thinks homosexuality is wrong, but he still accepts me and will protect me from haters. That is enough. Honestly, sure I want more acceptance and love, but it's difficult for them too, and I have to remember that. 

      I'm very grateful that I'm one of the lucky ones who at least received a decent reaction when I came out to my family. It's never ever going to be easy, and we just have to remember that it's about being brave and owning who you are and your life, and being happy. My dad said that he does not want me to tell his side of the family at all. He said that it will mostly be negative reactions and he does not want to be attacked. They will think that my dad and my mom didn't teach me right or that there's something wrong with me, and that hurts a little to think that me being who I am can actually cause not only hate towards me, but to my family as well. I'm not gonna come out to them, but I wonder if my dad feels ashamed of having a gay son... He still doesn't get why I want to "choose this lifestyle", but I love him and I hope that he will understand me someday.

       I want to be happy, and I want to love and embrace who I am, and now with my mom, dad, and my brother knowing, I feel a lot more comfortable around them. Being brave isn't easy, and braveness isn't just coming out or standing up to a bully. It's also about loving yourself and accepting who you are. I think that's bravery, and I'm proud to say that I've made the right decision to say it to him myself and owning my sexual orientation. Love, xoxo. 

Editor: A.B.

Coming Out Part 1 - The Choice

      Well, I'm basically out of the closet, but just to the people in school, my mom, my brother, and some other friends. My dad and his side of the family doesn't know. My cousins probably guessed it, but they never questioned me. The thing about my dad and his side of the family is that they may know that I'm gay, but they try to not think about it. When they don't understand or accept something, they pretend that they don't know anything. So that's why before my dad leaves Canada next week, I want to come out to him. I want him to know it, accept it and maybe support it, if he can.

       I asked my mom about it, and she's very against the idea of me coming out to my dad. She said that based on my dad's personality, he won't know how to deal with it and he will just be very confused and scared. My mom said she will talk to him for me, and maybe that will be the best after all... Even though I do think it will be better for me to talk to him myself, my mom just doesn't want him to accidentally say anything mean and hurt my feelings. To be honest, I wasn't going to tell my dad at all. I have been telling myself that maybe he doesn't need to know this, and that maybe I don't need him to be at my wedding, but I do. Even though I'm not as close with him because we don't live together everyday, I still love him, and he loves me so much, he deserves to know. How he deals with it will be his decision. 

       I say I'm brave and that I'm very comfortable with my sexual orientation and all that stuff, but I still get scared sometimes, especially when I go back to Asia and meet other Asian people. I'm not trying to be racist, but when I get bullied or insulted here in Canada, I have my friends and many others to support me. There in Taiwan, not a lot of people are openly gay, and not a lot of people understand or know gay people. So their opinions can be very hurtful and stupid, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to stand up for myself when I need to. Maybe sometimes I'm not as strong as I think I am, and maybe I'm not as sassy as I try to be... 

       I guess I will have to deal with this coming out thing a lot in my life, well, at least right now. I hope everything turns out well with the talk between my parents, and I hope that my dad can understand. When I came out to my mom, it was very moving and funny. I was crying and was like, "mom...don't hate me. Please accept me for who I am." Then my mom also cried and said, "okay, I will still love you, but I seriously don't really care." So I was like, "Awe I love you too, thanks for ruining the moment..." Then my mom went back to her room to finish her Korean Drama series. 

Editor: A.B.