Academic v.s. Applied

        So I'm finally going to write about this. This has been something that's bugging me for quite a long time. Okay, so I am in the arts' program majoring both Visual Art and Vocal Music, with the minor Drama, and I'm in Academic English and Applied everything else. Here's the thing, I chose to do Applied for mostly everything is because firstly, I'm not a very logical thinker, and secondly, I'm not great at Science, Math, History or Geography...etc. It takes me a lot of effort to memorize the things that are related to those topics, and I really do want to focus on my artistic areas of learning. Secondly, the schools I want to attend after high school are mostly colleges because only a few universities offer Fashion Design. Plus, I want to go to college in New York, which means they won't care so much if you take Applied classes in high school, because they mostly care about your SAT scores in The States.

        After hearing my reasonable reasons for choosing Applied courses, some people still don't understand ! Mostly Asians... Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be negatively stereotypical here, but most of the Asians I know think that being in applied classes is a bad idea. Some still think that Applied classes are for bad students with bad marks, even after I proved them wrong. I have asked many teachers, and they told me that applied classes are made to let students learn in a more practical way, and learn things that are more applicable in life. We learn the things that we will use often in life, and yes, that makes it easier than applying theory to everything. It's not made for students who want an easy way out and those who don't want to learn. It's for those who want to learn things differently and not go to University. Bad and lazy students make applied classes seem like it's for bad students. 

        A lot of Asian parents told me that going to Applied classes will not give me the option of going to a university, but that's not true either. I can still go to a University. It just depends on the courses I take, and if I take an U/C level math course in grade eleven, I can still go to a University, I just can't major the math course there. If you know me at all, you would know there's no way I will major math in University, and by the way, you don't even have to take the Academic math level in grade nine and ten to take the U/C level math. 

        I'm just tired of people ( mostly my Asian friends and my brother ) thinking that Academic-leveled courses are so much better than Applied-level courses. It really does depend on the person and the courses they want to take in University / College. People need to stop judging other people's decisions and just let them live their lives. There is absolutely nothing wrong being in both Academic or Applied courses. At least the students are still learning something, and isn't that what an education is about ? It's about learning and doing something with the knowledge you gained, not just getting the highest marks in the most difficult programs.

Editor: A.B.

Can You Still Feel It ?

        Recently, I've been listening to Greyson Chance, and no, I'm not a crazy fan girl, and I actually don't like his music style now. I only like the songs he did when he first got famous and was younger back then. In the songs I listen to, he still sounds like a little boy who hasn't been through puberty at all. My favorite song is "California Sky". This blog piece isn't about him, but about the things I feel when I listen to these songs. It's all about love, but not just any love.

        I don't know if it's because of the lyrics, or because he sounds like a ten year old girl in these songs, but I felt something special when I listened to them. It's love, but it's pure and innocent. It's the kind of love that makes you believe that anything can happen. It's the love that can make you think that you can go through anything with them by your side. It's the love that makes you seem crazy, but you tell yourself that it's normal. It's the love that makes you never want to leave their side, not even for a minute. It's the love that makes you so happy, you can't stop smiling whenever you think about them, and you can't seem to get them out of your mind, and just holding their hand is enough, as long as you guys are together. 

        I wonder how many teenagers still feel that kind of love, or still remember what that felt like. I think once we get into love too quickly, we forget the meaning of it and lose the purpose of love. We start to expect more and more and we want more and more. Relationships grow and it goes to the next level as a couple gets more and more comfortable with each other. These days, I've seen way too many people who are getting into things too quickly. I know it's not my or other people's business, but I'm just wondering... are we forgetting the feeling of love ? It's hard to describe love, so it must be difficult to understand, and sometimes I ask, when do we know it's love ? People always seem to answer that "you will feel it" because it's something so great, it changes you and make you care for things you might've not cared about before. 

        To be honest, I don't think I have the right to talk about love sometimes, because I don't have any experience... All I have are dreams, illusions, and the things I've heard about love. So maybe I don't have a say on what love really feels like, but I believe that love is different for everybody and for me, I still dream of that pure, innocent love. That love that's fragile and beautiful yet dangerous because you never know when you will lose it, and you're scared. So you hold on a little tighter, hug a little longer, and kiss a little rougher. There's nothing you can think about but them. That's love for me, and that's the love I want to have. So think about this, "what does love feel like to you ? Can you still feel it ?" 

Editor: A.B.

The Present Goodbyes and The Future Goodbyes

      Tonight we went to the airport to drop off my dad... It's sad to see him leave again. It's like, just when I was starting to get used to him being around he had to leave again. Plus, this time, it's different. He's leaving knowing my sexual orientation, and knowing who I really am. It's like we were starting a whole new relationship between us. I've been talking to him a little more after coming out and finally he now knows that I want to be a fashion designer in New York. It's weird how little we know about each other, but still, we only see each other about once every two to three years. He knew I was into art but he didn't know about the details at all.

       Goodbye was harder this time because of the things he said to me and my brother during this visit. He knows that he's getting older and we're growing up too. He starts talking about how we need to take good care of ourselves because soon we will leave each other for universities/colleges, and he also said how he wants us to be happy and not forget about  our family...etc. He says things like that all the time, but once I actually realize how little time I have with my family, it gets a little depressing. 

       Goodbyes are never nice, but isn't it a word that leads you to a new chapter of your life and experience ? I just wish I'm this positive when it comes time to leave high school... It's only two years away ! I can't believe it. There aren't really any words to describe the mixed feelings I have for the future. I mean, what if I've decided on the fashion path too soon !? What if I'm not good enough or tough enough to go live by myself in another city !? Questions just keep coming to my mind as I wonder about the future and the things I will have to let go, and the people I will have to say goodbye to. 

       Time isn't going to wait for you, and the future is something no one can really say anything about. So why are we so scared if there might not even be something to be scared of !? Of course there is something to be scared of ! It's the unknown... The one thing I know for sure about the future is that there will be a lot of goodbyes and hellos. The rest is unknown. Both hellos and goodbyes can be unwanted, but we just have to let go of the things we need to let go of and accept the things that are coming into our lives. Just two more years for me to prepare all those goodbyes after the hellos...

Editor: A.B.

Coming Out Part 2 - Bravery

      I just did it. I came out to my dad. I know I said my mom was going to do it, but I did it. At first he did not understand at all. He was worried that I'm not going through puberty right. He started explaining the penis and stuff, and I was like, "Dad, I know I'm a male and I'm very comfortable with that." Then he started saying that I can go to the doctors to see if I don't have enough male hormones. Like no. I'm growing hair where there should be hair and my balls and penis are fine. So I sat with him and stated very clearly that it has nothing to do with my puberty and that I'm just born this way. He still thinks that it's not "normal" and he said that as a father, he would like me to grow up having a family that includes a wife. So I said, "stop. Dad, I know you don't understand right now but answer me this: when I get married, and it will be a man, will you want to come ?" And he sat straight up and said, "yes, of course, I have to be there."

      That was the only thing I needed to know. I didn't need him to understand, I want him to accept the truth that his son is not weird, just different, and knowing that he still loves me and will want to be there to give his blessing is all I want. It's hard, and he definitely said some opinions that hurt my feelings, but sometimes, you just have to give people time, and maybe they will never understand, but it's family. Family is suppose to love you and accept you. My brother says that he thinks homosexuality is wrong, but he still accepts me and will protect me from haters. That is enough. Honestly, sure I want more acceptance and love, but it's difficult for them too, and I have to remember that. 

      I'm very grateful that I'm one of the lucky ones who at least received a decent reaction when I came out to my family. It's never ever going to be easy, and we just have to remember that it's about being brave and owning who you are and your life, and being happy. My dad said that he does not want me to tell his side of the family at all. He said that it will mostly be negative reactions and he does not want to be attacked. They will think that my dad and my mom didn't teach me right or that there's something wrong with me, and that hurts a little to think that me being who I am can actually cause not only hate towards me, but to my family as well. I'm not gonna come out to them, but I wonder if my dad feels ashamed of having a gay son... He still doesn't get why I want to "choose this lifestyle", but I love him and I hope that he will understand me someday.

       I want to be happy, and I want to love and embrace who I am, and now with my mom, dad, and my brother knowing, I feel a lot more comfortable around them. Being brave isn't easy, and braveness isn't just coming out or standing up to a bully. It's also about loving yourself and accepting who you are. I think that's bravery, and I'm proud to say that I've made the right decision to say it to him myself and owning my sexual orientation. Love, xoxo. 

Editor: A.B.

Coming Out Part 1 - The Choice

      Well, I'm basically out of the closet, but just to the people in school, my mom, my brother, and some other friends. My dad and his side of the family doesn't know. My cousins probably guessed it, but they never questioned me. The thing about my dad and his side of the family is that they may know that I'm gay, but they try to not think about it. When they don't understand or accept something, they pretend that they don't know anything. So that's why before my dad leaves Canada next week, I want to come out to him. I want him to know it, accept it and maybe support it, if he can.

       I asked my mom about it, and she's very against the idea of me coming out to my dad. She said that based on my dad's personality, he won't know how to deal with it and he will just be very confused and scared. My mom said she will talk to him for me, and maybe that will be the best after all... Even though I do think it will be better for me to talk to him myself, my mom just doesn't want him to accidentally say anything mean and hurt my feelings. To be honest, I wasn't going to tell my dad at all. I have been telling myself that maybe he doesn't need to know this, and that maybe I don't need him to be at my wedding, but I do. Even though I'm not as close with him because we don't live together everyday, I still love him, and he loves me so much, he deserves to know. How he deals with it will be his decision. 

       I say I'm brave and that I'm very comfortable with my sexual orientation and all that stuff, but I still get scared sometimes, especially when I go back to Asia and meet other Asian people. I'm not trying to be racist, but when I get bullied or insulted here in Canada, I have my friends and many others to support me. There in Taiwan, not a lot of people are openly gay, and not a lot of people understand or know gay people. So their opinions can be very hurtful and stupid, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to stand up for myself when I need to. Maybe sometimes I'm not as strong as I think I am, and maybe I'm not as sassy as I try to be... 

       I guess I will have to deal with this coming out thing a lot in my life, well, at least right now. I hope everything turns out well with the talk between my parents, and I hope that my dad can understand. When I came out to my mom, it was very moving and funny. I was crying and was like, "mom...don't hate me. Please accept me for who I am." Then my mom also cried and said, "okay, I will still love you, but I seriously don't really care." So I was like, "Awe I love you too, thanks for ruining the moment..." Then my mom went back to her room to finish her Korean Drama series. 

Editor: A.B.

The Not So Perfect Family Part 2 - Sacrifices

      So, I'm kinda getting more and more comfortable with my dad around. Sometimes it even feels like we had never been separated, but then I remember that he will leave us in only a few weeks. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we never moved to all these different countries and left my dad all alone in Taiwan, or if we all moved together... Maybe things would have been better and maybe they wouldn't have. No one can really answer that. I should be happy for the life they have provided me. They both sacrificed a lot in their life to give me and my brother this beautiful life in Canada.

      Some of their sacrifices is what makes them some of the most loving parents in the world. Some parents can not make or afford these sacrifices. My dad knew my mom wasn't happy in Taiwan. She was tired of the big city environment and the stress from work, and my dad was very hard working too. So when they both came home grumpy and tired, and they had to watch me and my brother fight over stupid things everyday, they sometimes lost their temper. Taiwan's education system isn't the brightest or the smartest, so my mom decided to leave the country with her kids, but my dad loved his work, and he does not know any English, so he stayed.

      We first went to Singapore for two years, Malaysia for another year, and then finally Canada. It looks like we're finally settling into Canada, and I like it here the most ! My mom has always been the rock for my brother and I over these years. Even though my parents aren't divorced, my mom does have to take care of us like a single parent and she survived in these English-speaking countries without knowing how to speak English. Without her, I would not be standing here today, literally. You know, people ask me, why didn't my dad come with us to Canada ? If he really loves his family, wouldn't he be able to choose family over his career ? Well, it's not as easy as it sounds. It would take him years to learn English and then find a job here, and plus, without his stable income, we would have never survived living in another country. He did come to Canada and lived with us for a year, and he did try, but he wasn't happy here. He felt useless without his work and the ability to provide income for us. So, I'm okay if he lives in Taiwan. I want him to be happy.

      My mom sacrificed her close relationships with her husband, her siblings, and her parents. She sacrificed her love for her home country and her career that she worked so hard to get. My dad sacrificed his close relationships with his wife and kids. I can never imagine how he must feels back in Taiwan looking at me and my brother's empty rooms. I also can not imagine how my mom feels inside when she misses her parents and friends in Taiwan...

      My parents both made sacrifices to give me and my brother a better and more educated future. They might not say "I love you" to their kids like other parents do, but I know they love me so much because without love, they wouldn't have done this and given me this beautiful opportunity to explore the other side of the world and myself.

Editor: A.B.

The Not So Perfect Family Part 1 - Differences

      So, me and my family are back in Canada from Florida and school starts tomorrow. My dad is staying with us until the end of January, and then he will go back to Taiwan. It's nice to have my dad here with us, but to be honest, I was little nervous before he came to visit. I don't really know why I felt that way, but I guess it's just because it feels weird. We went to visit him back in the summer of 2014 and now he's visiting us. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing him. It's just a little awkward.

      I think that my family is really trying to be close again, but it's awkward because it's like we're starting over. We don't know a lot about my dad anymore because we don't see him, and that goes the same for him too. He doesn't know what I like to wear or what friends I have, and I don't know what he does when he's bored and what he likes to eat. Sometimes we try to talk, but we don't know what to talk about and it's just like, "ummm...okay." Sometimes on our trip, I had to tip toe around him because I couldn't read his emotions and I was afraid he was angry at me for some reason.

      My family isn't this distant just because of the distance overseas. It's also because of how how different and unique our personalities are. My mom is a quite and weird person, she only opens up to the people she likes. If she laughs and make jokes around you, she likes you as a friend. When she doesn't like you, she is a very cold and shy person. She can be mean and harsh sometimes, but that's because if she thinks that if she is comfortable enough with that person, she will tell them the truth. If you don't take the time to understand her, you might think she is not a very kind person, but she is. Usually she's very sarcastic, and sometimes people like me will get offended around her. My dad is the opposite. He is usually very happy and easy to talk to. He is emotional, but he is very polite. He will often push down his own opinions and emotions so that he can help others and agree with them. He is too nice to people and people take advantage of him. Then when he gets betrayed, he usually beats himself up...

      My brother is a mean and harsh person, but he is actually very kind inside. He is just afraid to be hurt by others, so he arms himself with mean words and knuckles. He can be violent sometimes, but you just really need to love him and have patience with him to understand him. For me, it's weird because people sometimes describe themselves differently than others, but I think I actually know myself quite well most of the time. I am a very fun and weird person. I'm the funny and the crazy one in groups, but I can be emotional, deep and sensitive one-on-one. There are many sides to me, and I try to be happy and be myself through rough times. 

      So, we aren't the perfect family because us four aren't perfect, but I think that we are a family after all and we love each other very much. Maybe because of our personalities, we disagree, but we always try to work with our differences and support each other in our own little way.   

Editor: A.B.