I Am... Transgender.

          It's all been repressed for so long, how am I suppose to know who I really am ? All my life, I've been trying to reach the concept of perfection, satisfying the world around me, and understanding the idea of self-love. How am I suppose to know what I want ? Maybe perhaps the answer is to stop asking these questions, and just try to catch that gut feeling, and live with that. It's funny, after learning so much about psychology and philosophy, I still can't seem to know who I am as a human being.

          I... Am... Transgender.

          Transgender. (adjective.) - denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender and/or sex.

          So Transgender is actually an umbrella term, so being Gender Fluid, Gender Queer, Demi-Girl...etc falls under the category of being Trans, yet I was just so afraid to use the big T word. There're just so many questions, so many doubts, so many stigmas, and so many stereotypes. Being Transgender does not have to be binary, it does not always include surgery, and sometimes not even hormone replacement therapy. I can change absolutely nothing physically and still label myself as Transgender. It's about who I want to be and who I want to be seen as. People need to understand this, because it's important, so so important.

          Looking back in my life, I've always aspire to be feminine, and I've only truly felt beautiful in women's wear. But then, I learned about gender philosophy, and I didn't want to be Trans because if I come out as Trans just because I'm feminine, aren't I submitting myself to the rules of gender that's constructed by our society ? Then I realized that I need to chill, like seriously, just because I learned about some philosophy, I can't expect myself to not be affected by society at all. I live in this society and I want to be a woman, the woman that was created by society. I know that being a woman does not equal to being feminine, but I think that I'm honestly just a feminine lady at heart. Plus, I want to grow my hair out ! When I was a kid, I made up this thing called "The Perfect Woman", I designed a look of a woman that I thought was the most beautiful version of a woman can be. Now looking back, maybe that's a woman that I myself wanted to be, and not meant for others. I am interested in hormone replacement therapy, but I don't think I'll need the bottom surgery. I'm doing my own research and finding resources and stuff, so don't worry ! It'll be a difficult path of life, but I really think that I'm strong enough, and this is what I want. 

          It's difficult for me to admit what I want, and to say who I want to be... I'm scared. I have to fight for so much, and me coming out as Gender Fluid felt like a social experiment. I dressed in womenswear 95% of the time and only a few of my friends know about me being actually Trans at heart. I told people that I didn't have a preferred pronoun, and I saw people choose. Some still see me as a man, even with makeup, even with dresses, why ? Is it just because that I was born with a penis ? And some chose to see me as a woman, why ? Because I'm wearing stereotypically what a female wears ? It was interesting, and I didn't know why I allowed myself to do that to myself. Because it created even more doubt, and even more hesitation to come out as Transgender. Learning and hearing others' views of who you should be ? It really messed me up a little.

          I don't think I pass though, and many probably don't think that I'm physically feminine enough to be a pretty woman. But I have to be happy, and I just have to be honest to myself, I owe that to myself. I say that I have no preferred pronouns but whenever people use "she/her", I just couldn't help but to smile, it really does warm up my heart, and I have to admit it. I may not be a pretty woman, but at least I'll be the most beautiful self I can ever be, my true self. Does it matter how much of a woman I want to become ? If I'm 50% man, 50% woman, I'll be Gender Queer ? If I'm 75% woman and 25% man, I'm Demi-Girl ? What matters is that I do feel like a woman, and I want the world to respect that.

          I... Am Transgender. I am a Woman. 

          At last, I may finally be Free. No more Tears, just Love.