I Hate (Cis)Men.

Trigger & Content Warning:

Sexual Assault & Violence, Queer & Transphobia.

          I feel as if there's a fire within me, a fire that even I'm scared of... Yet that's not the scary part, the scary thing is, that I have no idea how to tame it... This, is my raw burning truth.

          Before I start, I want to issue an apology to all cisgender men. I am sorry for my fire within, for my anger, and for my expectations. I know that you have been raised with toxic masculine ideals and it truly is work to dismantle it, like the way women have been raised with toxic feminine ideals as well. And maybe as an activist being a trans woman I'm biased from traumatic experiences and have been more harsh. Yet what I will not be sorry for, is my demand for allyhood and solidarity. I know that I'm not the best educator/activist, and I know that I'm not making it easy to be a cis-het ally and/or friend. I am sorry, I deeply apologize... and I know that my traumas do not justify any outbursts, hostile behaviours, and/or me being cold or not welcoming. The fire will cease, I promise. I am burning too, as my soul is fluid like the ocean. I need time to heal, and I will be better.

          The first time I encountered sexual assault and violence was when I was eleven years old, in the school's bathroom after being beaten up by a group of boys for being a "fag". And just about two weeks ago, I went out on a Tinder date, and came back broken... again. It's like what, the 3rd or 4th time now that I've faced such violence, I couldn't leave my bed for days and I couldn't stop crying when I was alone. I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of my body not being mine, taken and used, I am tired of screaming and crying yet still being unheard. I'm sorry, I'm just tired...

          I'm thankful for my family and friends being there for me after the assault, I also took a few days off of school and work too. Yet now that I'm trying to get myself together again, I feel stuck, I feel discomfort, I get triggered and I can feel this anger within me. Since I've came to University I've been making more male friends, and I'm also rooming with 2 cis-males this summer. The thing is, I'm finding myself being triggered by masculinity, specifically hyper-masculinity. As an activist and gender studies scholar I theorize everything and the truth is: I don't hate men, I hate the masculinity sculpted by the patriarchal oppressive system.

          The thing is, after the assault I had a realization that yes I love being an activist, but will I really see and experience true trans-liberation in my life time ? I very much doubt it, and no one can promise me anything... Yet which of course, still doesn't validate anti-activism/social movements because it is worth it even just to be part of the movement, to be one of the person taking up space in solidarity and do our part for a future of equity. And then my depressive and emotional thoughts would argue if I'm just suppose to keep fighting and keep facing discrimination all my life and maybe possibly even die due a hate crime ?! Which again, is valid and like I said, I'm tired... I'm tired of seeing men sitting comfortably in their masculinity and manhood, I'm tired of seeing trans women and femmes raped and murdered. I am tired, and angry. I have already been diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD from domestic abuse and now I get triggered by cis-manhood and masculinity ?

          What the hell is this life, like seriously what the fuck...

          Yet I have to remind myself that not all masculinities are toxic, and not all femininities are non-toxic as well. Right now, there is only 1 male friend who doesn't trigger me, yet I still have gotten angry and had to call him out on his ingrained beliefs and ideas too. It is a process and we all have to dismantle the problematic ideas that we have, yes it is a lot of work and effort and if that makes me a "Feminist Killjoy" to demand such efforts as my friend and ally then so be it.

          The man that attacked me, he said his nickname was "Happy", and the last thing he said to me before he left was that I was a disappointment. I disappointed him because I fought back, I disappointed him because I got back up when he pushed me to the ground. I disappointed him because when he forced his waste of a penis inside my throat, I pushed back and spat. I spat that shit like the way I've been spat on on the streets being called a tranny and asked if I was male or female. I spat that shit like the way men fuck me but won't kiss me because I'm not a "real women". If you're a cisgender man and dare to get defensive with me saying that #NotAllMen, shut up and take a seat. Almost every woman and femmes, especially women/femmes of colour, especially queer and trans femmes, have been attacked before, so don't get defensive, be an ally. Be aware of yourself and call out your "bros'" problematic words and behaviours, because no, they're not just jokes. And of course, I send my heart and love to all masc and male survivors, yet the reason I'm so upset and stuck in this is because of the toxic masculinity's oppressive presence and doings. And I'll have to put up this bullshit for the rest of my life ? How do we survive ?

My mother cried and said that she wants and wishes me to just be happy.

but Mama, I did meet Happy, and yet... 

Happiness... was a disappointment.

"To my daughter I will say,
'When the men come, set yourself on fire'."
- "In Love and In War", Warshan Shire