I came "home" again this weekend, for pubic speaking/activism work, but also for my official high school commencement/graduation ceremony. I was scared, afraid that I won't be able to handle being here, but I've been coping. I'm doing alright, yet still emotional and at times unstable... Feeling like flowers in the shade, desperate for sunlight, struggling to breathe and survive.
Being back in this place, especially at a high school event, having to see everyone, brings back unsettling memories. I couldn't help but to think of all that has happened... Friendships ending, falling out, breaking apart. I confess, I'm not innocent, I know I contributed to the tensions and conflict, and even though I've always focused heavily on my feelings and my perspectives, I don't think that I have been excusing any of my actions. The fact that I've lost most of my friends and have gotten so much backlash is me being held accountable, yet when is enough enough ? I agree, that I wasn't and am not the best friend that I can be, I still have a lot to learn and a lot of self-reflections to do. I've been and am still trying to learn how to love, yet that's all I've done, all I did was try to love. People can be so merciless when it comes to antagonizing me and my actions...
The more I'm learning about power and protest in University, studying about the ways of advocacy and anti-oppression, the more I know that I should not regret most of the things that I did. I was harsh, but I attempted to destroy a systematic-power dynamics in between the group of friends, and of course people got defensive and took things personally and out of context. From the things said and done behind my back, there's a lot of misunderstandings and misinterpretations, but at this point I'm just tired of explaining myself and trying to protect others' feelings while ignoring my own pains and traumas. Some people aren't gonna get it, and some will say, why should friendships become something so political ? Yet it is, all relationships are, especially when there's an unbalanced power dynamic, and as a transgender woman of colour, I'm just trying to survive. I'm just trying to fight for my power. Does that make me a bad person ? For just trying to survive, and love ? And I know that I can be toxic at times, with my mental health affecting my relationships, yet do I not deserve to be loved, or forgiven ?
I was so emotionally-unstable the last time I came back, unable to handle being back into a space with such upsetting memories. With my bed as an example, it's difficult for me to go back into a bed where I remembered not being able to get out of, being reminded of the ways I've cried myself to sleep and not having the energy and courage to face the world. Yet, I have to understand that I'm no longer trapped, and I'm no longer the same person that I used to be. I have gone way far and beyond, I have survived and conquered. I am better, stronger, and I am resilient.
I'll always have nothing but love for those who have left me, I want to send nothing but blessings and positive vibes for their futures without my presence. Furthermore, I am so grateful and blessed to still have many who stood by my side, and I'm so happy to building a community and a life of my own in Toronto as well. Thank You, for those who have cared for me, for those who have loved me. Thank You, for those who have allowed me to care and love you in the ways that I could. I will try to stop blaming myself, for the love I could no longer receive, for the happiness that no longer includes me, for the love that had to leave.
Flowers in The Shade, though desperate for sunlight,
shall be their own sunshine, and then blossom, for the world.
