I Hate (Cis)Men.

Trigger & Content Warning:

Sexual Assault & Violence, Queer & Transphobia.

          I feel as if there's a fire within me, a fire that even I'm scared of... Yet that's not the scary part, the scary thing is, that I have no idea how to tame it... This, is my raw burning truth.

          Before I start, I want to issue an apology to all cisgender men. I am sorry for my fire within, for my anger, and for my expectations. I know that you have been raised with toxic masculine ideals and it truly is work to dismantle it, like the way women have been raised with toxic feminine ideals as well. And maybe as an activist being a trans woman I'm biased from traumatic experiences and have been more harsh. Yet what I will not be sorry for, is my demand for allyhood and solidarity. I know that I'm not the best educator/activist, and I know that I'm not making it easy to be a cis-het ally and/or friend. I am sorry, I deeply apologize... and I know that my traumas do not justify any outbursts, hostile behaviours, and/or me being cold or not welcoming. The fire will cease, I promise. I am burning too, as my soul is fluid like the ocean. I need time to heal, and I will be better.

          The first time I encountered sexual assault and violence was when I was eleven years old, in the school's bathroom after being beaten up by a group of boys for being a "fag". And just about two weeks ago, I went out on a Tinder date, and came back broken... again. It's like what, the 3rd or 4th time now that I've faced such violence, I couldn't leave my bed for days and I couldn't stop crying when I was alone. I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of my body not being mine, taken and used, I am tired of screaming and crying yet still being unheard. I'm sorry, I'm just tired...

          I'm thankful for my family and friends being there for me after the assault, I also took a few days off of school and work too. Yet now that I'm trying to get myself together again, I feel stuck, I feel discomfort, I get triggered and I can feel this anger within me. Since I've came to University I've been making more male friends, and I'm also rooming with 2 cis-males this summer. The thing is, I'm finding myself being triggered by masculinity, specifically hyper-masculinity. As an activist and gender studies scholar I theorize everything and the truth is: I don't hate men, I hate the masculinity sculpted by the patriarchal oppressive system.

          The thing is, after the assault I had a realization that yes I love being an activist, but will I really see and experience true trans-liberation in my life time ? I very much doubt it, and no one can promise me anything... Yet which of course, still doesn't validate anti-activism/social movements because it is worth it even just to be part of the movement, to be one of the person taking up space in solidarity and do our part for a future of equity. And then my depressive and emotional thoughts would argue if I'm just suppose to keep fighting and keep facing discrimination all my life and maybe possibly even die due a hate crime ?! Which again, is valid and like I said, I'm tired... I'm tired of seeing men sitting comfortably in their masculinity and manhood, I'm tired of seeing trans women and femmes raped and murdered. I am tired, and angry. I have already been diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD from domestic abuse and now I get triggered by cis-manhood and masculinity ?

          What the hell is this life, like seriously what the fuck...

          Yet I have to remind myself that not all masculinities are toxic, and not all femininities are non-toxic as well. Right now, there is only 1 male friend who doesn't trigger me, yet I still have gotten angry and had to call him out on his ingrained beliefs and ideas too. It is a process and we all have to dismantle the problematic ideas that we have, yes it is a lot of work and effort and if that makes me a "Feminist Killjoy" to demand such efforts as my friend and ally then so be it.

          The man that attacked me, he said his nickname was "Happy", and the last thing he said to me before he left was that I was a disappointment. I disappointed him because I fought back, I disappointed him because I got back up when he pushed me to the ground. I disappointed him because when he forced his waste of a penis inside my throat, I pushed back and spat. I spat that shit like the way I've been spat on on the streets being called a tranny and asked if I was male or female. I spat that shit like the way men fuck me but won't kiss me because I'm not a "real women". If you're a cisgender man and dare to get defensive with me saying that #NotAllMen, shut up and take a seat. Almost every woman and femmes, especially women/femmes of colour, especially queer and trans femmes, have been attacked before, so don't get defensive, be an ally. Be aware of yourself and call out your "bros'" problematic words and behaviours, because no, they're not just jokes. And of course, I send my heart and love to all masc and male survivors, yet the reason I'm so upset and stuck in this is because of the toxic masculinity's oppressive presence and doings. And I'll have to put up this bullshit for the rest of my life ? How do we survive ?

My mother cried and said that she wants and wishes me to just be happy.

but Mama, I did meet Happy, and yet... 

Happiness... was a disappointment.

"To my daughter I will say,
'When the men come, set yourself on fire'."
- "In Love and In War", Warshan Shire

       

Dancing with the System

         I am extremely disappointed right now at the University of Toronto Scarborough, and it's also a sad reality that I unfortunately feel like I need to accept...

Story Time:

I am a student enrolled at the University of Toronto Scarborough, and wanted to take some courses at the St. George campus downtown this summer. (Note: Same University, just different campuses) I knew the rule that we can only take up to 1.0 credit (1 course is usually 0.5 credit) at a different campus before already completed 4.0 credits. After enrolling into 2 courses and paying the tuition, I began going to my classes downtown. 3 weeks after classes have begun, the UTSC Registrar forcibly removed me from one of my classes that's a 0.5 credit and only runs until the end of June. I didn't realize that my other course is actually a full 1.0 credit course. Yet I didn't feel justified because I've been active and participating, I've already wrote my midterm and now also have already submitted my final essay...

So the last few weeks I've been back and forth with the UTSC Registrar and Administration. They told me to submit a petition, which I did, and waited, went back again and they told me they'll semi-approve the petition so it gets to the person above faster to have the final say. I said okay and waited again, then went back today and asked why has it been almost 2 weeks and still nothing ?! I'm still going to this class and preparing for the exam on the 25th and need to be registered for the course on record. My professor has been enjoying my presence in the class and emails me the online readings I can no longer access. So I went in today to have the same white female/femme staff who is friendly yet extremely passive aggressive to tell me that there's nothing they can do after disappearing for like 5-10 mins "talking to their supervisor". They said that unfortunately the petition process can easily take up to 6 weeks and some courses just run for 6 weeks...

Can no one sees the problem in that system then ?! The staff continues to complain under their breath about shortage of staff and how I have the time to sit there and argue. Excuse me ?! I asked if I can meet and speak with the person that has the final say on the petitions and was denied. They wouldn't let me know the person's name or any contact info. Why is there no transparency in this so called "institution of higher learning" ? What is going on. I've emailed several professors, program coordinators, program advisors and even the student union, yet no one seems to know how to help at all... It's unfair, because the course is not full, I'm not taking anyone's place in the classroom, I already paid for the course, bought the textbook, gotten attendance and participation marks, wrote the midterm exam and now just submitted the final essay. Rules should be set in place to help students with their education/career, not stab me in the back while I'm just here trying to get my degree. And it's clear to me that it's all about power; the discourse of rule making creates a reacting discourse of either rule-following, or rule-breaking. I've been seen as an advocate to owning my education and making my own path and rules and I've been denied basic access to information and to just wait. It's a realization that strikes me because these institutions really aren't built for the marginalized, and I feel trapped within the institution where I'm told to just wait and check the online status of my petition regularly... I feel powerless, and sadly defeated. I've also already encountered problems with the UTSC Student Housing staff after an incident of anti-blackness, police threats and abuse of power took place. I gave up meetings and follow-ups with their staff due to the whiteness and hierarchy of power and still am striving as a student leader at the student union and at the UTSC women's and trans centre. And now with my own educational/career-wise plans on the line, it's personal. It's also critical to acknowledge the fact that they have removed a trans woman of colour from a heavily-discussion based course surrounding the topic of gender and sexuality, they are not only preventing me to learn and be successful, they're also devaluing the course itself by erasing diversity and representation.

It makes me anxious, to not have witnessed any transparency or access to more information. I've always been one to challenge the rules and the system, and it was easier back in secondary education when we know who's the principle and the vice-principles, guidance counsellors, we get to see who are the ones with power and authority to make final decisions. I knew my ways to get what I wanted and needed for success and I danced with the system. Yet now, in a post-secondary institution, I've been just denied access to those people above the food-chain. I feel powerless and afraid, no longer know how to dance their choreography. The University is a place that often becomes nothing but systems, records, and a business, thus we get dehumanized to a number, and so currently I'm still waiting... as Petition #PT25072.