The Downfall of Student Advocacy...

          I'd like to acknowledge the stolen land in which I write this from, Toronto is in the "Dish with One Spoon Territory", a treaty between the Anishinaabe, Mississaugas and Haudenosaunee that bound them to share the territory and protect the land. Subsequent Indigenous Nations and peoples, Europeans and all newcomers have been said to be invited into this treaty in the spirit of peace, friendship and respect. And I wish to continue learning/unlearning through the steps of decolonization, as well to honour the elders and uphold the teachings that came before us.

          A gender and psychoanalysis professor at the University of Toronto said that she didn't believe in revolutions, and after hearing her declare such again and again... I stayed after class to ask, why ? As a cynically-oppressed and a clinically-depressed transgender woman of marginalized experiences, I'm not sure if I'd have the strength to wake up the next day if not for the hopes of revolutionary change. Yet not even for me and the contexts of my social-political realities, what about the revolutions happening around the globe right now as we speak ? People are fighting, and dying... for change. How can we not believe in such light ? And well, she explained that she doesn't believe in revolutions... here. She said she "didn't think our egos can handle the pain". She spoke of how revolutions call for collective trauma, and then I realized that she does have a point. We live in such privileged societal-circles (especially within institutionalized spaces) where there're so many are upper middle-classed, gaining such access to spaces and "higher learning", that in a sense... we have lost empathy. Maybe that's why I've missed working with elementary schools and high schools on 2SLGBTQ+ education and inclusion. University and College campuses can be so isolating for students, and people are constantly under stress and pressure for their own survival, future, and "success" that I see folks not having the emotional capacities to really care. Such realization really hurts, especially as a student who started working on campus before even started classes...

          Even student advocates and union leaders, most are only there to add titles for their resumes, for popularity, or just for their own social-political self-interests/future career connections. Don't believe me ? Just watch what their next job is. Since the winter semester has ended, alongside with transphobic attacks during the student elections, I say I'm taking a break from campus-work because I want to go out into the community more... Which isn't incorrect, but also I feel quite hopeless. And I won't say that I feel like my work isn't wanted, because I know that my work isn't wanted. Especially as a mad transgender woman of colour, how do I get cis-straight student leaders to care about the queer and trans community ? Everything, is performative. The University of Toronto Scarborough invited me to speak at their flag-raising, with no compensation even when asked, and emphasized to bring a "positive message" ?! The student union was also invited to speak, knew of such mistreatment towards a transgender speaker during Pride and they all still did it... with no trans representations to my knowledge when trans women (ESP BLACK TRANS WOMEN) are the ones responsible for why we have Pride. There is absolutely no shame when it comes to performative allyhood at UTSC. A positive message ? After constant misgendering on campus by both students and staffs, after a group of transphobic students publicly fat-shamed me on their social media last year in residence, after the Scarborough campus not having any physicians with knowledge of trans health-care so I'd need to travel to the other campus to see a doctor and nurse, after the SCSU ran an election with candidates involved in a transphobic cyberbullying scandal, after by-standing candidates get elected and still have the person who made such attacks towards me hanging around in the union's office ?! The University even spoke to me about possibly continuing my involvement in their Positive Space committee, working under the principal's office towards creating safer spaces for LGBTQ students and staffs ??? I can't, being a token has not only starved me, ruined my mental well-being, as well as having to deal with transphobic bullshit, constantly. Working within systems to change its systems can only work if those who hold power are listening and are also ready for change. And UTSC, is not...

          HOWEVER, there is hope. There musts be. Speaking to a peer today really made my heart warm, as there are so many, still hurting, waiting, for change. And there are more than we think, who are ready to act as well, there are also great student activists doing the work, however most of them are also burnt out and often neglected for their radical agency. I have such a love-hate relationship with University Institutions, because it is the students who are the future, and I still very much do believe in revolutions. I don't just believe it, I know it is possible. Radical change, is coming. The fight is still for the people, it will always be. The University of Guelph just announced that they'd be having their first ever Indigenous language course teaching Ojibway, something I've been wishing and vocalizing to witness at the University of Toronto. And of course, I do not need positions/titles to work and serve, especially to fight for change, but she needs to pay rent and eat somehow...

          The downfall of student advocates, is self-interest, and the downfall of student advocacy, is apathy. And the truth is, some people aren't even there yet for empathy. Some people need to unlearn privileged apathy and start with sympathy first. The revolution does call for collective trauma, as there are pains that need to be addressed, but if you would allow yourself to feel and embrace the full spectrum of humanity, the good the bad the ugly... and also allow myself to hold your hand through. I promise you, the journey is worth the glory. I remember ending my speech to a room-full of principals and admins when I help launched the new policies regarding transgender rights and safety with the Waterloo District School Board back in 2017, I said that the communities who are still hurting have been so brave, thus now it is time for the rest of the world to be brave with us.

Pride 2019: Hope in the Dark...

“Toronto is in the 'Dish with One Spoon Territory’. The Dish with One Spoon is a treaty between the Anishinaabe, Mississaugas and Haudenosaunee that bound them to share the territory and protect the land. Subsequent Indigenous Nations and peoples, Europeans and all newcomers have been invited into this treaty in the spirit of peace, friendship and respect. We all eat out of the Dish, all of us that share this territory, with only one spoon. That means we have to share the responsibility of ensuring the dish is never empty, which includes taking care of the land and the creatures we share it with. Importantly, there are no knives at the table, representing that we must keep the peace.”

- Aboriginal Education Council, Ryerson University

          Chynal Lindsay, Johana Medina, Muhlaysia Booker, Michelle Simone, Dana Martin, Claire Legato, Ashanti Carmon, Jazzaline Ware... Rest in Peace & Power my sisters. I am sorry, for the world did not understand your art, thus not appreciating and honouring your glory, your truth, your breath... So let us remember, that Pride is not a festival but a fight. I am a transgender woman of colour at 19 years old, praying to survive 2019... Yet while I am here with such a broken soul, I am still privileged enough to dream of healing, especially when my black trans sisters are dying... I aspire to embody love, but what a privilege to meet ignorance with patience and to meet violence with compassion. Such privileges can not be held nor learned when they're already dead.
          So then how do we wake up, with hope ?
          How do we thrive... when most are only surviving ?

"I feel therefore I can be free..." - Audre Lorde

I feel lost, tired, discouraged. I feel desperate. I feel, like a woman before my time.
I feel like a woman who have long died, I feel helpless, I feel... dark.
However, we deserve to feel light, and fight. We deserve, better.

          Perhaps what's more saddening than a burnout, is the lost of hope. Without hope, we are lost with directions, lost without motivation, lost... in the dark. I hear cis-women speak of how they feel as if we have gone back in time as the setbacks for reproductive rights in America continues. Yet we can not leave our trans and gender non-conforming friends and families behind. We must fight back as one and united, fighting for the liberation of all. Like our mothers Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera believed: Power to the People. Which people ? All people, but especially the poor, the sick, the marginalized, the folks on the street, the Black, Indigenous and folks of colour, the queer and trans folks, folks with disabilities...etc. We have to take care of each other, as community building/organizing is one of our only hopes left. Like Malcolm X said, "the future belongs to those who prepare for it", thus we must come together, to strategize and act.

"I don't think we will win, [but]

I do not believe hope should be a prerequisite for trying anyways."

- Alok Vaid-Menon

          I am a transgender woman of colour and I aspire to be ever-so softer against this cruel hard world... Thus join me, to both birth and search for the light. May we continue to learn and unlearn, working towards decolonization and true liberation for all. May we carry the spirit of the forces that came before us, may we stand on the shoulders of women/femmes that paved the way, may we heal... collectively and gloriously.