19 still surviving 2019; turning 20 now, and then... what ?
Birthday: what is it really ? We come together to celebrate one's first and last breaths, while we ignore the reality of those struggling to breathe, to live, to survive with dignities through such cruel modern humanities... It is difficult for me to celebrate another cycle of survival when it feels as if my next breath could be my last and me being okay with it. A dead girl walking, still trying to appreciate life...
20 years ago today, a baby was born not a boy. She has died, so many times... rebirthing again and again. 20 years later, a woman was born, from herself and to herself. 20 years old, I am so exhausted... of our lives not being ours, of our love not being ours, of our beauty not being ours, and of our death not being ours... I am tired of surviving as a commodity and not living as human. I am trying to learn/unlearn joy, in the means of my heart and not others. 20 years of a broken heart, trying to learn/unlearn notions of happiness through the full spectrums of humanity. 20 years of crying, wondering of myself in light and of healing through the dark. 20 years of searching for softness, slowly realizing that she holds the softness in which she needs to not only survive, but thrive...
I will forever hold gratitude and space for the queer/trans coloured women/girls/femmes that came before me, specifically for the 2-Spirit/Trans Indigenous folks and their native teachings of gender diversity. And I will continue to survive, learning/unlearning to hold love and space for myself, as I owe my thrive to the queer/trans coloured women/girls/femmes after me. It becomes difficult for me to celebrate the life of self when often it has felt as if theres not a deserving self at all. Yet when one drowns in her own shadows, she survives through breathing for not herself but for us... Healing, is loving you all so much that I start loving myself too. Happy Birthday, stay alive sis.
