What are friendships ? And how do they align/contrast/intersect with other forms of relationships through a shared socio-personal intimacy ? From birth and since the possibilities of communication/comprehension, we learn to navigate the world through socialization; we learn new perspectives beyond oneself along the way as we grow/develop in contexts of the socio-economical, personal/political, geographical, and even the historical/cultural realities that we experience both individually and collectively. Thus the question of friendship has always intrigued me, as an immigrant-settler moving from such family-centered/oriented/dominated cultural ideals to colonized Turtle Island built so violently towards capitalistic individuality. Yet on top of it all: how do you navigate being the only trans person in a room after being the only POC/immigrant in the room, while still being the only fat person in that room... Through the privileges of basic survival and safety in North America, I find myself building self-awareness, confidence, and actualization while at the same time becoming more bitter and discouraged with the socio-political realities that I witness and have the access of experiencing. It has been clear to me that bonds of friendly relations (especially through puberty/teenagehood: the most socially-impressionable ages of character-development and through cis-heteronormative society under a colonial-capitalistic context) are dominated by norms of binary-gendered behaviours, thus the paradox of friendship as well as its dilemmas with socialization beyond labeling/belonging continues.
A qualitative research on "Transgender Friendship Experiences: Benefits and Barriers of Friendships across Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation" (2014) reflects that "although participants were asked to describe unique friendship benefits and barriers with individuals of different identities, many of their responses resonated with the way friendship has been described in the general friendship literature. General features of friendships include having someone to talk to, emotional support, acceptance, and shared experiences (Duck, 1991; Rawlings, 1992). Participants described their friendships similarly but usually transgender specific experience was central to their definitions of support, acceptance, and experiences. For example, instead of having someone to talk to, a benefit expressed by transgender participants was can talk about transgender issues. Articulation of friendship benefits and barriers made it clear that transgender identity was salient to how participants were defining 'experiences.'" It is crucial to explore/analyze such socio-political relations/realities through marginalized experiences of "non-normative" perspectives not in the light of identity politics, but for the love of transformative justice/inclusion/community as well as dismantling systematic notions of "normality". Especially when experiencing social discrimination, marginalization, and/or levels of exclusion on a daily as well as even rejection/abuse from the biological notions of "family" through childhood/adolescence, the discussion of friendships complicates as we often view friendly bonds within communities of shared trauma to be our chosen families. So if my trans/gender-variant and racialized siblings are not my friends, who is ? And again, what are friendships anyway ? Of course I have many cis-heteronormative allies throughout the circumstances of life, some I would even feel guilty for when I say I have no friends... but what about the bonds and loyalties so rooted in gendered solidarity in the name of binary segregation ? How can I truly befriend and trust when most of times they mention "girls" they don't think of girls like me... girls like us ? Sure we can continue in respectful, or even friendly encounters, but if my woman/femmehood is not recognized/honoured, I can't help but wonder of my humanity when their privileges/comforts are challenged down the line.
I remember when I first came to Canada starting middle-school: the only out-and-queer immigrant kid, chubby and feminine, being told that I would be gay if I befriend girls but told I was not masculine or "normal" to hang out with the boys. I remember coming out as gay and cis-white girls befriending me as their GBF, but then I also remember losing friends in high school after coming out as trans... From the results and discussions from the research cited above, there are about "eight benefits and six barriers... expressed in reference to cisgender and heterosexual (normative) friends when compared to transgender and sexual minority (non-normative) friends" (2014). Yet what is truly interesting is of how patterned the responses are (to me as a trans-feminine person anyways) between the listed benefits: "(1) helps me feel 'normal'; (2) transgender/sexuality issues do not dominate conversation and friendship; (3) validation more powerful from someone with normative identity; (4) more opportunity for friendship due to larger population; (5) emotionally stable; (6) helps me present as identified gender ('pass'); (7) offers more diverse perspectives and interactions; and (8) opportunity to educate about transgender experience" and the listed barriers: "(1) not knowledgeable on issues of gender, sex, and privilege; (2) insensitive use of language in reference to identity; (3) difficult to talk about transgender/sexuality issues; (4) fosters feelings of discomfort; (5) not understanding non-normative experience; and (6) fewer shared experiences". Such data is helpful to analyze the struggles of gender-diversity within socialization, yet again of the marginalization/tokenization in academia of trans experiences as subjects for research when the premise of normality and definitions of friendship are clearly set in a cis-binary context, perspective, and understanding. Most of the "benefits" listed are merely coping mechanisms of survival (social assimilation) while the "barriers" experienced with "cisgender and heterosexual friends" are still too similar to the violent microaggressions we face from the general cisgender public of majority/normality... So now I ask myself, is befriending the status quo worth the pains of mental marginalization ? Can the isolation of experiences be justified for the sakes of connection through socio-political/economical convenience ? Allies don't need to be friends but do friends need to be allies ?
"Why I don't have friends" is a statement of challenge I propose to the public as I strongly believe that we have yet to understand what friendships are and have the potentials to be. And yet I must not neglect of the work that came before: the attempts of revolutionizing gendered relations and the strives towards intimacy beyond labels. I also have to give credit to the love and continuous (un)learning from allies around, even if I have not personally gotten the support that I need at times. "An opportunity to educate about [my] transgender experience" is not a benefit to me, but rather a labour of tokenization as it furthers the segregation of gendered experiences. Vidhya Rajput is "a transgender activist [who] has emerged as a leader in a gathering rights revolution in India but she still has an 'ache for love'" (2019). I wish to softly manifest her essence across the globe, sister to sister, my oceans rising passionately to her powerful moonlight: a declaration of how her "loneliness keeps [her] going"... As our loneliness keeps us going, fighting, and dreaming.
Research/Article References:
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0959353514526218
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/22/world/asia/india-transgender.html
