Pride 2019: Hope in the Dark...

“Toronto is in the 'Dish with One Spoon Territory’. The Dish with One Spoon is a treaty between the Anishinaabe, Mississaugas and Haudenosaunee that bound them to share the territory and protect the land. Subsequent Indigenous Nations and peoples, Europeans and all newcomers have been invited into this treaty in the spirit of peace, friendship and respect. We all eat out of the Dish, all of us that share this territory, with only one spoon. That means we have to share the responsibility of ensuring the dish is never empty, which includes taking care of the land and the creatures we share it with. Importantly, there are no knives at the table, representing that we must keep the peace.”

- Aboriginal Education Council, Ryerson University

          Chynal Lindsay, Johana Medina, Muhlaysia Booker, Michelle Simone, Dana Martin, Claire Legato, Ashanti Carmon, Jazzaline Ware... Rest in Peace & Power my sisters. I am sorry, for the world did not understand your art, thus not appreciating and honouring your glory, your truth, your breath... So let us remember, that Pride is not a festival but a fight. I am a transgender woman of colour at 19 years old, praying to survive 2019... Yet while I am here with such a broken soul, I am still privileged enough to dream of healing, especially when my black trans sisters are dying... I aspire to embody love, but what a privilege to meet ignorance with patience and to meet violence with compassion. Such privileges can not be held nor learned when they're already dead.
          So then how do we wake up, with hope ?
          How do we thrive... when most are only surviving ?

"I feel therefore I can be free..." - Audre Lorde

I feel lost, tired, discouraged. I feel desperate. I feel, like a woman before my time.
I feel like a woman who have long died, I feel helpless, I feel... dark.
However, we deserve to feel light, and fight. We deserve, better.

          Perhaps what's more saddening than a burnout, is the lost of hope. Without hope, we are lost with directions, lost without motivation, lost... in the dark. I hear cis-women speak of how they feel as if we have gone back in time as the setbacks for reproductive rights in America continues. Yet we can not leave our trans and gender non-conforming friends and families behind. We must fight back as one and united, fighting for the liberation of all. Like our mothers Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera believed: Power to the People. Which people ? All people, but especially the poor, the sick, the marginalized, the folks on the street, the Black, Indigenous and folks of colour, the queer and trans folks, folks with disabilities...etc. We have to take care of each other, as community building/organizing is one of our only hopes left. Like Malcolm X said, "the future belongs to those who prepare for it", thus we must come together, to strategize and act.

"I don't think we will win, [but]

I do not believe hope should be a prerequisite for trying anyways."

- Alok Vaid-Menon

          I am a transgender woman of colour and I aspire to be ever-so softer against this cruel hard world... Thus join me, to both birth and search for the light. May we continue to learn and unlearn, working towards decolonization and true liberation for all. May we carry the spirit of the forces that came before us, may we stand on the shoulders of women/femmes that paved the way, may we heal... collectively and gloriously.

#UofTDoesntCare

          "How many lives ?"...
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, on stolen land ?
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, "the best University of Canada" ?
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, that was never meant for us ?

          The University of Toronto has always attempted to ignore and cover up the mental health crisis on their campuses, which is fundamental to their operation and values. In 2018, the University of Toronto passed the Mandated Leave of Absence, allowing themselves as an institution to determine students' wellness to continue their studies and involvement on campus, putting them on leave (which in certain cases, would revoke an international student's VISA status). They ware forced to revise such policy after violating the Ontario Human Rights Code. The policy passed however, is a raw evidence that the University of Toronto is not interested in caring for students' health and wellness. The policy is a sign of cowardice and cruelty, willing to strip away students' (whom some often have sacrificed so much for being here) rights and access to education as well as on-campus services. The University would rather put students in need on leave, then help them towards recovery...

In 2019, U of T St. George students protest after a third reported suicide.
In 2019, I visited U of T Mississauga and found out that their campus mental health coverage only allowed UTM students to have up to 5 counselling sessions, as if mental illness is gone in 1, 2, 3, 4... 5.
In 2019, I don't have a doctor with the knowledge of trans communities and their medical transitional needs and accommodations to start hormones at U of T Scarborough.
In 2019, students are restless and numb... barely surviving.

Yet how many more lives... does it cost to maintain such institution ?
          White Faculties and Staffs, making money from a sea of colour...
          The University of Toronto is not the best University of Canada, it's the best business disguised as education, with a violently colonial system. Paying white cisgender men to rule, paying white women to teach reconciliation, paying cis women to teach LGBTQ+ studies... Don't say you care about Indigenous rights, teachings, and values but then invest in companies that supports Israel, contributing to the occupation of Palestine. It's time for the University to divest from the three companies: Northrop Grumman, Hewlett Packard, and Lockheed Martin, "to end its involvement in socially injurious activities and violations of international law" (U of T Divest, 2014).

          Even when I was honoured enough to be representing the University to present my research studies in Portugal back in 2018. The cost was supposed to be covered but not due to a number that defines my academic standing as mediocre yet I was travelling internationally teaching and representing this so-called "the best University of Canada" ? Clearly, U of T doesn't care about the students contributions unless it's a number, especially those tuition numbers. U of T as an institution, does not care. U of T is all about business, thus 2 things: profit and press.

          I am here, in pursuit of an education as a marginalized person. I supposed an institution of "higher learning" would have learnt to make education as accessible as possible, but I'm wrong, and they're obviously wrong but doesn't care. Because the University of Toronto can not be the people's house unless it is upheld by people who are truly invested in the students' needs and interests.

          Students are not just numbers producing numbers, students are our present as well as future. It's time to rise up, It's time to take back this institution, to take back our campuses, our education, our rights and freedoms... our future.

I Hate (Cis)Men.

Trigger & Content Warning:

Sexual Assault & Violence, Queer & Transphobia.

          I feel as if there's a fire within me, a fire that even I'm scared of... Yet that's not the scary part, the scary thing is, that I have no idea how to tame it... This, is my raw burning truth.

          Before I start, I want to issue an apology to all cisgender men. I am sorry for my fire within, for my anger, and for my expectations. I know that you have been raised with toxic masculine ideals and it truly is work to dismantle it, like the way women have been raised with toxic feminine ideals as well. And maybe as an activist being a trans woman I'm biased from traumatic experiences and have been more harsh. Yet what I will not be sorry for, is my demand for allyhood and solidarity. I know that I'm not the best educator/activist, and I know that I'm not making it easy to be a cis-het ally and/or friend. I am sorry, I deeply apologize... and I know that my traumas do not justify any outbursts, hostile behaviours, and/or me being cold or not welcoming. The fire will cease, I promise. I am burning too, as my soul is fluid like the ocean. I need time to heal, and I will be better.

          The first time I encountered sexual assault and violence was when I was eleven years old, in the school's bathroom after being beaten up by a group of boys for being a "fag". And just about two weeks ago, I went out on a Tinder date, and came back broken... again. It's like what, the 3rd or 4th time now that I've faced such violence, I couldn't leave my bed for days and I couldn't stop crying when I was alone. I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of my body not being mine, taken and used, I am tired of screaming and crying yet still being unheard. I'm sorry, I'm just tired...

          I'm thankful for my family and friends being there for me after the assault, I also took a few days off of school and work too. Yet now that I'm trying to get myself together again, I feel stuck, I feel discomfort, I get triggered and I can feel this anger within me. Since I've came to University I've been making more male friends, and I'm also rooming with 2 cis-males this summer. The thing is, I'm finding myself being triggered by masculinity, specifically hyper-masculinity. As an activist and gender studies scholar I theorize everything and the truth is: I don't hate men, I hate the masculinity sculpted by the patriarchal oppressive system.

          The thing is, after the assault I had a realization that yes I love being an activist, but will I really see and experience true trans-liberation in my life time ? I very much doubt it, and no one can promise me anything... Yet which of course, still doesn't validate anti-activism/social movements because it is worth it even just to be part of the movement, to be one of the person taking up space in solidarity and do our part for a future of equity. And then my depressive and emotional thoughts would argue if I'm just suppose to keep fighting and keep facing discrimination all my life and maybe possibly even die due a hate crime ?! Which again, is valid and like I said, I'm tired... I'm tired of seeing men sitting comfortably in their masculinity and manhood, I'm tired of seeing trans women and femmes raped and murdered. I am tired, and angry. I have already been diagnosed with symptoms of PTSD from domestic abuse and now I get triggered by cis-manhood and masculinity ?

          What the hell is this life, like seriously what the fuck...

          Yet I have to remind myself that not all masculinities are toxic, and not all femininities are non-toxic as well. Right now, there is only 1 male friend who doesn't trigger me, yet I still have gotten angry and had to call him out on his ingrained beliefs and ideas too. It is a process and we all have to dismantle the problematic ideas that we have, yes it is a lot of work and effort and if that makes me a "Feminist Killjoy" to demand such efforts as my friend and ally then so be it.

          The man that attacked me, he said his nickname was "Happy", and the last thing he said to me before he left was that I was a disappointment. I disappointed him because I fought back, I disappointed him because I got back up when he pushed me to the ground. I disappointed him because when he forced his waste of a penis inside my throat, I pushed back and spat. I spat that shit like the way I've been spat on on the streets being called a tranny and asked if I was male or female. I spat that shit like the way men fuck me but won't kiss me because I'm not a "real women". If you're a cisgender man and dare to get defensive with me saying that #NotAllMen, shut up and take a seat. Almost every woman and femmes, especially women/femmes of colour, especially queer and trans femmes, have been attacked before, so don't get defensive, be an ally. Be aware of yourself and call out your "bros'" problematic words and behaviours, because no, they're not just jokes. And of course, I send my heart and love to all masc and male survivors, yet the reason I'm so upset and stuck in this is because of the toxic masculinity's oppressive presence and doings. And I'll have to put up this bullshit for the rest of my life ? How do we survive ?

My mother cried and said that she wants and wishes me to just be happy.

but Mama, I did meet Happy, and yet... 

Happiness... was a disappointment.

"To my daughter I will say,
'When the men come, set yourself on fire'."
- "In Love and In War", Warshan Shire

       

Dancing with the System

         I am extremely disappointed right now at the University of Toronto Scarborough, and it's also a sad reality that I unfortunately feel like I need to accept...

Story Time:

I am a student enrolled at the University of Toronto Scarborough, and wanted to take some courses at the St. George campus downtown this summer. (Note: Same University, just different campuses) I knew the rule that we can only take up to 1.0 credit (1 course is usually 0.5 credit) at a different campus before already completed 4.0 credits. After enrolling into 2 courses and paying the tuition, I began going to my classes downtown. 3 weeks after classes have begun, the UTSC Registrar forcibly removed me from one of my classes that's a 0.5 credit and only runs until the end of June. I didn't realize that my other course is actually a full 1.0 credit course. Yet I didn't feel justified because I've been active and participating, I've already wrote my midterm and now also have already submitted my final essay...

So the last few weeks I've been back and forth with the UTSC Registrar and Administration. They told me to submit a petition, which I did, and waited, went back again and they told me they'll semi-approve the petition so it gets to the person above faster to have the final say. I said okay and waited again, then went back today and asked why has it been almost 2 weeks and still nothing ?! I'm still going to this class and preparing for the exam on the 25th and need to be registered for the course on record. My professor has been enjoying my presence in the class and emails me the online readings I can no longer access. So I went in today to have the same white female/femme staff who is friendly yet extremely passive aggressive to tell me that there's nothing they can do after disappearing for like 5-10 mins "talking to their supervisor". They said that unfortunately the petition process can easily take up to 6 weeks and some courses just run for 6 weeks...

Can no one sees the problem in that system then ?! The staff continues to complain under their breath about shortage of staff and how I have the time to sit there and argue. Excuse me ?! I asked if I can meet and speak with the person that has the final say on the petitions and was denied. They wouldn't let me know the person's name or any contact info. Why is there no transparency in this so called "institution of higher learning" ? What is going on. I've emailed several professors, program coordinators, program advisors and even the student union, yet no one seems to know how to help at all... It's unfair, because the course is not full, I'm not taking anyone's place in the classroom, I already paid for the course, bought the textbook, gotten attendance and participation marks, wrote the midterm exam and now just submitted the final essay. Rules should be set in place to help students with their education/career, not stab me in the back while I'm just here trying to get my degree. And it's clear to me that it's all about power; the discourse of rule making creates a reacting discourse of either rule-following, or rule-breaking. I've been seen as an advocate to owning my education and making my own path and rules and I've been denied basic access to information and to just wait. It's a realization that strikes me because these institutions really aren't built for the marginalized, and I feel trapped within the institution where I'm told to just wait and check the online status of my petition regularly... I feel powerless, and sadly defeated. I've also already encountered problems with the UTSC Student Housing staff after an incident of anti-blackness, police threats and abuse of power took place. I gave up meetings and follow-ups with their staff due to the whiteness and hierarchy of power and still am striving as a student leader at the student union and at the UTSC women's and trans centre. And now with my own educational/career-wise plans on the line, it's personal. It's also critical to acknowledge the fact that they have removed a trans woman of colour from a heavily-discussion based course surrounding the topic of gender and sexuality, they are not only preventing me to learn and be successful, they're also devaluing the course itself by erasing diversity and representation.

It makes me anxious, to not have witnessed any transparency or access to more information. I've always been one to challenge the rules and the system, and it was easier back in secondary education when we know who's the principle and the vice-principles, guidance counsellors, we get to see who are the ones with power and authority to make final decisions. I knew my ways to get what I wanted and needed for success and I danced with the system. Yet now, in a post-secondary institution, I've been just denied access to those people above the food-chain. I feel powerless and afraid, no longer know how to dance their choreography. The University is a place that often becomes nothing but systems, records, and a business, thus we get dehumanized to a number, and so currently I'm still waiting... as Petition #PT25072.

Happy Birthday (Poem)

I see you,

in the wild daisies blooming under the summer sun.

I hear you,

in the soft ukulele strings played at a café open mic.

I smell you,

in the old polkadot dress that you've given me as a piece of your promise...

Your promise, of a friendship.

Your promise, of a forever.

Your promise, of a sisterhood.

Our promises become memories,

but through the bitter-sweet,

I'll always remember you.

I'll remember you...

by slowing down my footsteps, to admire the blooming daisies,

to smile under the warm summer sunshine.

I'll remember you...

by closing my eyes when I hear the sweet indie melodies
while holding my own broken body still trying to heal, still trying to love.

I'll remember you...

by wearing the colours that you have brought out from deep within,

knowing that I am, "the most beautiful girl" someone has ever seen.

While time passes, the promises between us rust violently,

the words between us blur uncontrollably,

but may our memories fade quietly, gently, and kindly...

You and I,

will forever be the softest Poetry I've come to know...