I was doing pretty well in school, and even though I finished grade two in Taiwan, they wanted me to retake grade two because of my English skills. It was okay because after grade two, I asked if I could jumped to grade four, and they made me do the grade three exams and they said yes after seeing my marks. I never knew what I got for those exams, but I guess I did pretty good. In each grade, there are seven classes, and from class one to class seven is the range of the abilities of each student. I was put into class three for both grade two and four which means my marks were pretty good. Now as I look back, it was cruel for them to do that. Imagine getting to be put in the class seven and they let you know what it means. They also read out everyone's test scores in classes. It was all about success in Singapore and that's when I first became so obsessed with perfection...
Soon after me and my brother started school, my mother moved out. She found another apartment not far away, and she took my brother. She said it was to give me time to grow up and be more independent, but now as I'm looking back, it may be because of my brother. My brother fought with me almost everyday and he obviously needed some time with my mother and to let my mother prove that she doesn't love me more. I didn't like that very much and I tried to visit her after school, but the owner woman would yelled at me because she wanted me to be more independent too. The owner woman is nice, but very strict, she was never happy with my marks because she said she knew I could do better. I tried my best in school, but it seemed like I wasn't good enough because the school wanted me to stay after school until six pm every Wednesday to exercise since I was overweight. I was eleven and I used to eat whenever I felt down or upset, especially when my brother bullied me. Sweets and food were my best friends, but I knew that wasn't good and I joined the volleyball club. I still ate a lot but I guess I was more healthy because I exercise. Then I quit volley ball after a while, and I don't remember why, but it's weird because I remember loving it.
Not living with my mother made me really sad. I remember going to her place and knocking on her door and hoping she's home everyday, and I couldn't wait long because then the owner woman would know I went to see my mom. I remember making up bed-time stories for myself every night when I went to sleep, and I always had about 20 stuff animals around when I slept. I missed my mom and I didn't understand why she would do that to me. I guess that must have been what my brother felt like.
The desire of perfection grew in me, and I remember failing tests because I would leave blanks in my tests. I would refuse to put down answers that may be wrong, and I was afraid to make mistakes. Somehow, I preferred the big 0 over the Xs. I remember believing that if I couldn't do something right, I rather not do it at all. I eventually made myself start answering every question because I also wanted to stay in class three.
Editor: A.B.
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