A Word About... Love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13 : 4-8

          Many religions, and many people too even without a religious belief, believes in love. A love that's beautiful, magical, and unconditional.

          
          See, that verse from the Bible, is my favorite verse out of the entire Bible. Why ? Because I don't believe a single word of it. Again, not trying to criticize Christianity and it's beliefs, I'm just trying to make a point. I don't necessarily believe that there's a God, but I know that a humane love is not a perfect love. That's not love is like, that's what we want it to be like, that's what all humans wish to be like, perfection. And it's part of why Christianity works so well, it's whole belief system is surrounding the concept of a God, a divining love. Love is already a concept that we humans can't really grasp, and believing that there's a higher power which controls and defines the love, the perfection we all crave for, now that's a strong belief, that not only provides us security and control, but also hope, resulting in joy and a purpose in life.

          Personally, I don't think of love as an emotion. When we say that we love someone or something, I mostly just see it as a figure of speech. Love is a base, a base for our emotions, actions, and reactions to the world around us. It won't be just positive, it's not perfect, it's not easy, and it's not a happily ever after. It is a base of how and where our emotions will steam from. Now, if love is only a base, a concept, a mindset to let our actions and emotions grow from. Then, I also believe that love is a social construct. A concept, created by us humans. Anyway, not gonna go into that today, I still need to do some more reading and thinking, enough Philosophy for today.

          I choose not to believe in a magical, powerful, and all mighty love. I don't expect love to be that easy, that comfortable, and that perfect. I expect and understand that we humans can be angry, sad, happy, envy, hurt, guilty, ashamed, caring, generous, kind, hopeful, strong, weak...etc. All of those things, and they all can be a result of love. We love, because we care. We aren't perfect, and love isn't either. And that's okay.

          I don't Love,
          I just feel with Love.

A Word About... Religion. - Christianity

          I'm not Religious, I'm Spiritual. I am letting myself to stay open-minded to all religions and beliefs, and just believing that there's a source of higher power or force.

          After going back to the Summer Bible Camp this year, I've learned a lot. I've discovered my strength, and I was really able to see how much I've grown as a person. I stayed strong, I stayed true to who I am, and I survived. Nothing happened, but it was still a challenge for myself to overcome. It was a test, mentally and emotionally, and I did it. I'm sorry if any of this implies that the camp was bad or negative in any way, the camp really was great. The camp, the people, and everything were lovely, and most of them were respectful and kind. It's just difficult to willingly put yourself into an environment where you know there won't be acceptance or acknowledgement of who you are.

          To be honest, I really wish that I can be a committed, religious Christian. Really, I do. Christianity is one of the most powerful religions I've witnessed. It's such a strong belief, that when put into good use, it can really lead a person into a beautiful, kind, positive life style. My mother became a Christian at one of her lowest points, and I'll admit that I look at the sky and pray sometimes when I'm really hurting. It's hope, it's faith, it's sometimes what we all humans need. It's not Jesus, it's love, it's hope, it's a sense of control. I couldn't help but think, would I be happier if I'm a Christian ? Imagine this kind of hope, control, and positivity. But I can't. I really can't. I don't allow myself to go into a religion, because I will always have doubts. I will never believe. I'll question, and especially Christianity, where it's just so easy to point out the Sexism, the Homophobia, Transphobia...etc. that are in some of their words and mind sets. (I'm not trying to pick on Christianity, I just know it's teachings the best and have the most experiences with Christianity) It's something I can never get my mind around, how such a loving and supportive religion and belief system, can be so judgmental and not accepting. I think that the words about love and kindness in the Bible, should be more important than who I marry, what I wear, and what Gender I identify as. And that's what I love about being Spiritual, when I look at all the different religions in the world with an open-mind, I can learn and take the things I need from each one of them. Love from Christianity, Selflessness from Buddhism, The Cycle of Life, Death, and Karma from Hinduism...etc. I think that all of these religions are beautiful, and that they all have something we can learn and take away from. I'm not the one to judge who's right who's wrong, I just wish to be respectful of all people and their different beliefs.

          Also, after having to spend a whole week with Christian men and boys for cabins and activities, I've actually learned a lot about men. Well, I was treated as a man for my whole life, but now after I've came out as a Transgender woman, I see and think of men differently. I've discovered a lot of how men are raised and taught to be, causing them to have certain mindsets and actions. I don't know, it's just interesting, especially if they were raised in a religious house hold I guess.

          Anyway, I don't wanna go into Feminism and Gender Philosophy today. But I overcame it ! I am here, and I am queer. I am a Proud Trans Woman of Colour, and I'm glad I had this experience. It was a lovely week, with a lot of wonderful people ! I am deeply grateful for also the camp's tolerance for me and their welcome. 

A Faint Ray of Sunshine

          We're not that different. 

          We love, We care, but We're angry. 

          We're both hurting.

          "You know what to do, you know how to get to him."

          "Give him time, he knows. He loves you."

          I know, but I can't. I really can't. Us two may be able to forgive each other, but we will never forget. I'm scared of him, and he's scared of the world because of me. He steps in, raises his fist. I get scared, and back him up with my weapon. He walks away, knowing that I would never be able to hurt him. He knows that I'm weak. I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm powerless, and I'm angry. I'm angry that he can scare me, I'm angry that he has the power, that he's in control. I want power, I want control, I want to be strong. I have to be...

          I threw the frying pan into the ground, still hot and full with food. And in that moment, I've given up. He would've threw it at me, but I could only throw it onto the ground. I'm weak. And I've giving up my defense. To me, that was me giving in. Yet to him, it was me attacking. To him, my defense has just became an offence. To him, it was me bursting, and becoming violent. To him, I'm no different. It's true, we're not that different. What happened to us was not our fault, but it still got to us, we're this way because of our past. And there's nothing we can do of our childhood. We've not been taught how to love, we've not been taught how to care. All we have, is anger, regret, hatred, yet love as well. We will always be battling our love and our anger. We'll never forget.

          I think it's unfair, it's unfair for me to give in. It's unfair for me to love his flaws, his violence, his anger, his messed up ideals and morals. But that's family. Yet, I've chosen my own family. I'm selfish, I wanted to be loved so bad, I went to find love. I found people, I found my support, my family. Yet to him, I chose to left him, I gave up. I'm the one who abandoned him, again. Did I choose ? I say it was out of desperation, because I no longer felt loved and safe in the house, yet to him, it's just an act of selfishness. He doesn't believe that I love him, and he may never believe it. And he doesn't trust me, nor the world. He pours his heart out, trying to be loved, but he doesn't know how to love. Us humans are selfish. We love, and we want love back as well. And I don't know how to love him, because he's not loving me the way that makes me feel safe and supported. 

          Am I a bad person ? Maybe not bad, but not good either.

          I cried, and the heavens cried with me. 

          I cried, and the night reached for me. 

          I cried, and the daylight hugged me.

          I'm tired, tired of loving. I just want to be happy. I don't think people understand, especially when they don't have a family like this. They can never understand how difficult it is to love. It hurts for me to love. It's painful for me to trust. Yet I'm willing to love, if that means that I'll be loved, and held. Because unlike him, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to push people away, I want to be selfish, and be stubborn, I want to be loved and cared. I'm tired. He's a fighter, he has always been. I'm not as strong, I'm not able to say those hurtful things, and I don't want to be violent. 

          I just, want to be happy.

          I'm a faint ray of sunshine, I'll always be there, loving you, giving you my warmth, my light, my comfort, and my presence.Yet I ask you, will you be there ? Will you still be there if when you need a hug, and that you realize that all you're hugging, is Air ? 

          Don't leave, I need you. I need you to hold me, and believe in me. I'll let you feel me, I promise. I'm just a faint ray of sunshine, but I'll call the wind, the clouds, the trees, and the flowers and the Earth. I'll make you feel my love, I swear. I just need you to be there.

A Hue of Yellow-Orange

          As I stood in the Rain, I allowed myself to Cry.

"Crying in the Rain ? Drama Queen."

          Why is it, that even at my lowest, I still can't love myself ?

"Who do you think you are ? You're not in a movie, don't flatter yourself."

          I look up into the sky, and closed my eyes.

          I tried to shut out the thoughts, trying to focus on the sounds of the wind, the rain, the thunder, and my own breathing. It's no use. Fine, you win... Again.

"You're a bad person to make it about you, you made her worried, you made them see you as the victim, again. You're not a victim, you created this. You had the power to change, to love him more, to care for him different, to support him in the ways he needed."

          It's true. I always knew how to treat him the way he wanted, but I didn't. I always said that he didn't know how to love, but do I ? Am I loving ? Am I kind ? Am I a good person ?

          I'm not deep, elegant, and powerful like a hue of deep blue-violet.

          I'm not bright, beautiful, clear, and calming like a hue of turquoise.

          I'm not confident, happy, and pretty like a hue of sparkling pink.

          I'm a hue of Yellow-Orange.

          I've always hated Oranges and Yellows. Yet it was that defining moment in the rain, that I realized how much hate I have for myself. Not because of my race, not because of my appearance, not because of my size, not because of my gender identity or my sexuality. It's because I've always been trying to be something I'm not. I try to have the wisdom of a deep blue-violet, I try to have the emotions of a turquoise, and I try to have the confidence of a sparkling pink.

          Like a faint ray of sunshine, having the dream of lighting the world, and warming up the hearts of people. Yet, I know I'm not capable. I know I'm not that special. I know, that I'm weak. I need love, I want to be held, and cared. I want to cry in someone's arms, and I want someone to help me, to tell me that I'll be okay. But I can't, I won't. It's selfish, It's weak. I will always try to be something more, I want to bury myself, bury my weakness.

          But now we know, the truth. I'm a Yellow-Orange. Just, Yellow-Orange.

Summer Bible Camp... ?

          I went last year, I survived.

          Will I this year ?

          I hate for it to become a religious reason, I hate it. Religions shouldn't be like this. Being homophobic or transphobic is not a religious act. That's just Hate...

          They're good people, I had a really good time last year. Yet, I identified as homosexual male last year. Now, I've came out as a Transgender Woman, and I don't think they're letting me room with the girls... Either way, people will be uncomfortable. Unlike the school trip, the girls at the camp will not be comfortable with me there even if they have given me the right to room with women. What about showering ? Washrooms ? The Activities ? Am I able to survive such binary environment ? Who will see me as a Woman there ? Who will respect me as a Trans Woman there ? Who will I be there ? That's the question. I know it's a little dramatic to question if I'm able to "survive" in a teenage Christian camp, but it's true. I'm not sure if I'll be able to be myself there, and letting go of my identity that I've fought for so long, honestly sounds life threatening...

          Being Transgender, is my identity. It's not who I am. Yet to many people, it gets in the way of letting them know who I am, and loving who I am. It's not their fault. I'm fine if they don't agree with my identity, but I still expect them to respect and love me as I am, as a fellow human being. But to think of going into an environment like this... Will I have fun ? Will I be happy ? Even if I have thick enough skin and strong enough confidence to be truly myself there, they will not be comfortable. The boys having to room with me, using the same washroom as me...etc. They are not comfortable, and it just seems like if I want to make them happy, I'll have to sacrifice my identity for a week. Can you even imagine me "being a boy" for a whole week !? I don't even know what that'll be like. I'm a Woman !

          Look, if they see me as a man in a dress, I'll be actually fine. If they just see me and respect me as a Crossdresser/Drag Queen, I'm okay with that. Well I mean, I understand if people can't look pass that I have a penis, but they have to still respect my Gender Expression ! ...Will they ?

          Many people don't understand why I want to go, because technically I'm not even religious... The thing is that, I wanna have fun with my friends who are going. Also, I want to be able to live and survive in environments that aren't always supportive of my identity other than my own home. I want to be strong, and I want to be able to fight my battles. I want to be able to stand so strong and firmly with who I am, that no one can tear me down. I want to be strong. And I want to blossom, as an advocate, and an activist. I need this.

          I don't know... It just seems like I'm running away if I cancel now. I don't know what to expect and the unknown honestly just kills me. I'll have to think about it, but I don't have much time...