A Faint Ray of Sunshine

          We're not that different. 

          We love, We care, but We're angry. 

          We're both hurting.

          "You know what to do, you know how to get to him."

          "Give him time, he knows. He loves you."

          I know, but I can't. I really can't. Us two may be able to forgive each other, but we will never forget. I'm scared of him, and he's scared of the world because of me. He steps in, raises his fist. I get scared, and back him up with my weapon. He walks away, knowing that I would never be able to hurt him. He knows that I'm weak. I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm powerless, and I'm angry. I'm angry that he can scare me, I'm angry that he has the power, that he's in control. I want power, I want control, I want to be strong. I have to be...

          I threw the frying pan into the ground, still hot and full with food. And in that moment, I've given up. He would've threw it at me, but I could only throw it onto the ground. I'm weak. And I've giving up my defense. To me, that was me giving in. Yet to him, it was me attacking. To him, my defense has just became an offence. To him, it was me bursting, and becoming violent. To him, I'm no different. It's true, we're not that different. What happened to us was not our fault, but it still got to us, we're this way because of our past. And there's nothing we can do of our childhood. We've not been taught how to love, we've not been taught how to care. All we have, is anger, regret, hatred, yet love as well. We will always be battling our love and our anger. We'll never forget.

          I think it's unfair, it's unfair for me to give in. It's unfair for me to love his flaws, his violence, his anger, his messed up ideals and morals. But that's family. Yet, I've chosen my own family. I'm selfish, I wanted to be loved so bad, I went to find love. I found people, I found my support, my family. Yet to him, I chose to left him, I gave up. I'm the one who abandoned him, again. Did I choose ? I say it was out of desperation, because I no longer felt loved and safe in the house, yet to him, it's just an act of selfishness. He doesn't believe that I love him, and he may never believe it. And he doesn't trust me, nor the world. He pours his heart out, trying to be loved, but he doesn't know how to love. Us humans are selfish. We love, and we want love back as well. And I don't know how to love him, because he's not loving me the way that makes me feel safe and supported. 

          Am I a bad person ? Maybe not bad, but not good either.

          I cried, and the heavens cried with me. 

          I cried, and the night reached for me. 

          I cried, and the daylight hugged me.

          I'm tired, tired of loving. I just want to be happy. I don't think people understand, especially when they don't have a family like this. They can never understand how difficult it is to love. It hurts for me to love. It's painful for me to trust. Yet I'm willing to love, if that means that I'll be loved, and held. Because unlike him, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to push people away, I want to be selfish, and be stubborn, I want to be loved and cared. I'm tired. He's a fighter, he has always been. I'm not as strong, I'm not able to say those hurtful things, and I don't want to be violent. 

          I just, want to be happy.

          I'm a faint ray of sunshine, I'll always be there, loving you, giving you my warmth, my light, my comfort, and my presence.Yet I ask you, will you be there ? Will you still be there if when you need a hug, and that you realize that all you're hugging, is Air ? 

          Don't leave, I need you. I need you to hold me, and believe in me. I'll let you feel me, I promise. I'm just a faint ray of sunshine, but I'll call the wind, the clouds, the trees, and the flowers and the Earth. I'll make you feel my love, I swear. I just need you to be there.