My father came to visit for about two weeks, I felt nothing. I struggled internally, feeling guilty that I no longer needed him. I didn't even flinch when he called me a "boy", I've given up. It's sad, and I shouldn't be this way but I am. He may never understand, and we will never be what we wish we are. We will never be have a bounding father and child relationship, we barely have any connection. And, I seem to have accepted it. Unfortunately...
I wanted to stay home on Sunday night, and I said my goodbyes to him. My mom and brother left with him, driving him to the airport. Finally, I had the house to myself. I went out to get myself dinner, and as I walked, I stood on a hill and looked up to the sky. It was beautiful; the moon was shining brightly in an ugly flawed shape. The night sky was partly cloudy, with no stars in sight. Such extraordinary ugliness I thought, was what's so beautiful. I stared ahead to the horizon, and a sudden flashback hit me. The distant streetlights, the dimming colourful lights from the houses far away, have reminded me of myself, in Taiwan. I was young, about five, and I remembered how I would love to just stare out the window, to the distant lights. It was peace, that's it. It's finding peace within the hopelessness and the loneliness that I feel. And I couldn't help but wonder: Am I starting to move on ? If not, will I ever ?
One has said that our friendship has always been toxic, that she had always been manipulating me. One has said that there always seemed to be something weird about our bound. They all have said that we don't know each other as well as we think we do. One has even said that you're already moving on... I'm not sure what's true and what's false. Yet what one has said, really spoke to me, she said that the reason we crumbled, was because of the pressure. The expectations and the pressure that the world had on us both, crushed the bound we had between us. It's none of our faults, because we found each other for a reason. I don't want to move on, but if you have, then what's the point of holding on ? Yet I will hold on, because I'm me. And I know you, that once you're done, you're done. You're like the distant lights under the dark sky, you bring peace to my hopeless and lonely world.
It's the beginning of second semester, and it's been a little bit more than three weeks now on my anti-depressants. It has been awesome, my mood is stable, I have not had any constant suicidal thoughts, and my anxiety is under control. And the best part is, it helps with my insomnia. So with better sleep, I feel much better. Of course, there's side effects, and I can't take pain killers anymore, which sucks. But I'll survive. I'm excited for this new semester, I'm finally starting dance ! I'm so happy, yet lonely too. You know, it's weird when you're happy and not have anyone to share it with, not that there's no one to care, but no one needs you anymore. I don't have anyone to share my happiness with. So it's a little weird. I don't want to move on, and I don't want to start over. Yet reality is, life goes on. Sometimes things have to happen whether I want it to or not...
Happy Second Semester !!!
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