20th: Birthday Blues

          19 still surviving 2019; turning 20 now, and then... what ?
Birthday: what is it really ? We come together to celebrate one's first and last breaths, while we ignore the reality of those struggling to breathe, to live, to survive with dignities through such cruel modern humanities... It is difficult for me to celebrate another cycle of survival when it feels as if my next breath could be my last and me being okay with it. A dead girl walking, still trying to appreciate life...

          20 years ago today, a baby was born not a boy. She has died, so many times... rebirthing again and again. 20 years later, a woman was born, from herself and to herself. 20 years old, I am so exhausted... of our lives not being ours, of our love not being ours, of our beauty not being ours, and of our death not being ours... I am tired of surviving as a commodity and not living as human. I am trying to learn/unlearn joy, in the means of my heart and not others. 20 years of a broken heart, trying to learn/unlearn notions of happiness through the full spectrums of humanity. 20 years of crying, wondering of myself in light and of healing through the dark. 20 years of searching for softness, slowly realizing that she holds the softness in which she needs to not only survive, but thrive...

          I will forever hold gratitude and space for the queer/trans coloured women/girls/femmes that came before me, specifically for the 2-Spirit/Trans Indigenous folks and their native teachings of gender diversity. And I will continue to survive, learning/unlearning to hold love and space for myself, as I owe my thrive to the queer/trans coloured women/girls/femmes after me. It becomes difficult for me to celebrate the life of self when often it has felt as if theres not a deserving self at all. Yet when one drowns in her own shadows, she survives through breathing for not herself but for us... Healing, is loving you all so much that I start loving myself too. Happy Birthday, stay alive sis.

Concerning Violence & Survival

CW/TW: violence

          "Are you okay ? What's wrong ?"
Define "okay" and tell me what isn't wrong... I have been staring at this blank draft, wondering of the meaning to my words, and the purpose of my story. Yet I must write, for then I might finally stop crying...

          Capitalism forces a sex worker who’s just been raped on Saturday to seek more work on the Monday after. She knows of crying on the weekends for rest and crying on the weekdays for work. Colonialism taught us that there was no freedom compared to the development of some, Capitalism now teaches us that there is no freedom compared to the development for some.

          A trans woman of colour, a miracle for how she drags a dead body to class. Crying uncontrollably from her bed to the bathroom, she promises herself that she'll be okay, even knowing the possibility of peace within if she just drop dead. Yet guilt is what makes it unbearable, the guilt for mourning a body that still breathes with other trans women/femmes being murdered. As a survivor from times and times again, I feel as if someone else is wearing my body. I do not know of where I am nor why I am... Yet I am already so privileged and lucky, and I apologize to my next breath for I do not give this life justice. I am so sorry to the world, for my incapability of spreading love and life that so many around me deserve. I am sorry as I wish to give this stolen soil more than just my tears, to give the hurting more than just safe spaces, to give the breaking more than just solidarity, to give the loving more than just me. I apologize, as I wish to give so much more, still waiting for the world to embrace me back, softly... And perhaps it is too selfish, to imagine love, to imagine safety, to fantasy a home, and to seek for softness among such cruelty.

          Capitalism forces the meaning out of friendships, out of relationships, out of love, and care... as no one is able to even save themselves. What do I say, to "friends" when they ask if I'm okay ? How do I answer, to "lovers" when they ask me what's wrong ? They have nothing to offer, but to share my pains and burdens. As I have told my psychiatrist, speaking of my circumstances does not seem productive... I wish I can shake off the teachings of Capitalism, but like a disease it eats you from the inside out. I wish to not feel worthless when I have not sent out at least a job application a day. I wish to not feel useless when I can not pay for my own meal. I wish to not... feel such heaviness for simply just breathing.

          concerning violence and survival... are you okay ? 

          Life, feels like it's only meant for some. I wonder of the people enjoying their summers, traveling, with what is known to be families and friends. I wonder of the people, working and trying to enjoy their summers, appreciating the weekends and the little money sustaining their social lives. Is that happiness ? Is happiness as we know it even accessible ? I wonder of the people struggling, but still enjoying their summers, trying to forget, trying to cope, trying to be, happy. Or as happy as we can be I guess with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Thus I wonder of myself, as I don't know how to go to class, appointments, write essays, seek for jobs, for shelter, for love, for myself, and for happiness all at the same time... Maybe I've just been weak and lost. I have no one to blame but for myself, as no one takes care of me but me. I'll be okay, I have to be...

Open Letter to U of Toronto/Transphobia

An Open Letter to the University of Toronto(Tkaronto)/Transphobia,

          This is an open letter to the system, thus an equity concern for all. Today a Tuesday in July, about 5 months after traumatic incidents of transphobia at the Scarborough campus, the University reached out for a follow-up meeting with the Equity and Diversity senior adviser as well as one of the deans. They have informed me that the student code of conduct fails to recognize my case, however they will still move forward to meet with this particular student to emphasize the University’s stance of equity. Yet the issue is what stance of equity ? I had to remind the staff in the meeting of how this is not the first transphobic incident that I have encountered in my just 2 years of study. The student code of conduct works like a slap on the wrist, how has the University actually taken steps to protect students of marginalization while experiencing discriminatory injustices ?

          What concerns me even more is the fact that I was suggested a possibility through the Sexual Violence procedure and policies for a more serious and equitable consequence and was also reminded with emphasis that the code of conduct was written too long ago. So not only do the equity and diversity adviser and dean realize and admit to the institution’s outdated policies, but have no solutions and steps-in-action for updates ? It seems that unless it concerns of a physical conflict, the student code of conduct fails to provide any equitable solutions with immediate action/change. And the University rather have me accuse a student of sexual violence than to hold them accountable of transphobia ? It seems bizarre to other students but to me it just shows that the University’s lack of understanding and agency towards a safer space on campus for all. It is also concerning that the student code of conduct seems to prioritize over the offender's intent rather than the impact as I was told that the reason why the code fails to recognize such incidence is due to the hate speech was never meant to be public or be directed towards me. However, such reasoning also fails to recognize that the student in question was in a group chat alongside other students which have all gathered for a political purpose. Thus in a response to my social-political presence and work on campus, the hate speech was made to not only attack my character, but also my work. And at the time during the winter semester, was I not also working on campus for the student body as well as the University under the principal’s office ? As a concerned student, I also wonder of the treatments towards marginalized staff and faculty as I also know of the limitations often put upon roles of equity within such system. Yet beyond me and my concerns, such equity crisis is possible to any person. Even if a student file a compliant through the sexual violence procedure on campus for an assault, as a student who have worked at the UTSC Sexual Violence Prevention & Support Centre as well as a peer who know many who have accessed the services that I know that such process can take months of consultation/investigation with also a possibility towards inaction/unaccountability.

          There is a pattern, of equity failure. There is a pattern, of policies not upholding the claimed equity mandates, of procedures continue to retraumatize victims/survivors with no promises of change and/or support. Today a Tuesday in July, I sat in a meeting with the Equity and Diversity senior adviser as well as one of the deans with silences filling the room as I asked the question of, how can we ensure the safety of students accessing their right of education when we also allow students with violent ideologies to take up such space ? And how authentic is such institution’s claim of an “LGBTQ+ positive space” ? These students involved with the transphobic incidents have also made appearances to the Pride events on campus, and people wonder why there was barely any queer and trans students attending. The dean said to have ideas for more LGBTQ+ events, but how can we expect queer and trans students to come out when we can’t protect them ? Making visibility is not making change, we have to make change first then give such visibility. Otherwise is it not all but a performance ? And speaking of performance, I wonder why such process of meeting has not been communicated through email, and as personal as such incident can be, there were also no note-taking in today’s meeting. Other student leaders told me that I should have had a peer went with me as a supporting witness so the University doesn't attempt to “sweep things under the rug”. I hope for us to understand that such distrust among students, even if it’s mistaking the lack of solution for the lack of action, is the bitter outcry of students in crisis, especially of student leaders/activists in burnout. May such uncertainty towards the current system help spark the agency for change.

          People of no matter what age, birth/race/colour, status/class, sex, gender identity/expression, sexual/romantic orientation, religious/spiritual practices/beliefs, political/social/personal ideals, physical/developmental/mental/emotional well-being/ability, deserve the access and their rights to education. And I believe that it is our duty, and especially the institution's as well as the student union’s, to protect all students facing any systematic barriers due to social-political circumstances that may come with identities/experiences of marginalization. The dean today said that they still believe in the social power and benefits to visibility, and I agree. Yet due to the lack and change and the trans-tokenization of myself in the last 2 years that I have given to this institution, I wish to work with the University differently if given the chance and space. Rather than collaborating on events and short-term campaigns, my goals for the University to develop new policies/procedural codes for concerns of equity and inclusion. Of course with specific solutions concerning various marginalization ie. violence against gender identity/expression. Even with workshops, guidelines, and policies for all staff, faculty, to protect students from misgendering in classrooms and while accessing on-campus services. Similarly to the policy launch regarding the rights and safety of transgender students/staff with the Waterloo District School Board that I was fortunate enough to be involved with years ago, the focus is really on reeducating educators for a more equitable and inclusive education. It does not have to be just me nor does such actionable change need to include me at all as long as it is lead by authentic voices of the targeted communities. Yet I do not expect much from the University knowing not only of the history of inequitable policies (ie. the Mandated Leave of Absence Policy) passed even with critiques from the Ontario Human Rights Commission, but also knowing the possible queer/transphobia that lies within the administrative/policy-making staffs.

          In my first year of University, students posted a video filled with intoxicated transphobic hate speech, calling me an “it”. In my second year of University, students joked about my body as a transgender woman publicly online, wishing their chat never got leaked. Imagine waking up to students publications posting words said about me without my consent/knowledge, imagine campus becoming a battlefield of identity politics. I know of too many students who have left their education due to marginalization, and of too many queer and trans students feeling unsafe and ready to leave our campuses.

What is the University of Toronto/Transphobia doing ? What is the University not doing ?

Also, the University of Toronto is currently one of the institutional supporters across North America (Turtle Island) on the Thirty Meter Telescope (TMT) project, an invasive proposed astronomical observatory with its planned location being Mauna Kea, sacred to the Native Hawaiian people and culture. When will the University start prioritizing people over profit ?

Sex Work: Sucking Dick for a Meal

          I wish to acknowledge the stolen land of Turtle Island in which we as settlers continue to benefit from the continuous genocide of Indigenous Peoples. Especially with the recent celebrations of Canada 152, perpetuating the on-going traumas of a colonial state. As a settler-immigrant in the territories of Tkaronto, I strive to learn/unlearn with the teachings that came before me as well as upholding the treaty of the 'Dish with One Spoon'.

          I swallowed, and paused. Silence fills the room as he gets up to get dressed. I stayed still watching the bills on the table making sure they're untouched. After he left, I left with the cash, sat down to order. I chewed and swallowed, then paused... Such satisfaction and privilege for a meal, both humbling and numbing; I may not know of tomorrow but I am thankful for the next breath and the strength for a bite.

          "35, is the life expectancy for a trans woman of colour..."

          If 35 is the life expectancy, does it mean that I'm already middle-aged ? Whether it is due to the risks of exclusion, violence, and/or illness, the trans community is not estranged to the idea of survival. Especially for the Black trans woman, the Indigenous trans folks/2-Spirited folks, trans folks with disability, trans folks experiencing homelessness, trans sex workers...etc. I acknowledge and I truly believe, that part of my survival has been because of being a light-skinned woman of colour. More than 10 trans women have been murdered in North America (Turtle Island) since the summer started, all racialized women of colour, most were black, most were homeless, and most were sex workers as well. And yes, people are advocating for sex workers' rights, but what is empowerment when it comes to survival ? Some sex workers are working to capitalize, and more power to them of course. Yet agents cost, ads can cost, there are very few inclusive spaces for trans women of colour to build a respectable earning from such work, especially when most are still only fetishized and often dehumanized by not even clients but just people. And I'm not here to capitalize, I'm here to survive. I'm also still just here searching for softness, trying to ease a growling stomach with a heavy heart.

          With attempts of governments owning the white "female" bodies of reproduction while neglecting care for trans-masculine and other non-binary/intersex bodies, coloured femme bodies have always been desired but not loved and often deemed disposable. People wish to edit my resumes, but don't they know of the ways we as queer and trans people know how to sell ourselves (if that's what we wanted) ? People don't understand why a student activist who have organized various conferences/panels, presented as scholar abroad as well as speaking on a keynote panel with the 'me too' founder is not getting jobs. People continue to think that systematic transphobia doesn't exist, especially because they're just so equitable and inclusive even in workplaces operating under capitalistic-patriarchal ideologies right ? Even not-for-profits, I am competing with hundreds of 2SLGBTQ+ folks in the equity-education markets, most who are older than me already finished with post-secondary. We have too many activists doing the work, not enough spaces to let them do the work. Not enough, our WERK is always made to feel not enough... Yet it takes such painful enlightenment to understand that the world is not built for us, thus we create our own paths, no matter how dark. Because even in darkness, we learn to become the light.

          With stories of assault all-too-common within trans-coloured-femme circles, I get scared too you know... I get scared, meeting clients who are often aggressive and conflicted with their own internalized queer/transphobia. I get scared on the streets at night, I get scared to breathe or speak. I get scared too, knowing death so familiarly well. I get scared waking in fear, not knowing if I'd have shelter after the summer. I get scared waking in tears, seeing reports of death almost every week on the top of my Facebook feed. I get scared even writing this... Yes, I am afraid but I am also still here. Like I said, my survival til this day lies in my privileges and the expenses of other folks who are also on the margins of the margins. Thus I promise myself, that my victories of healing must be also for all communities that are hurting. Today we suck to survive, so we can live to serve tomorrow.

The Downfall of Student Advocacy...

          I'd like to acknowledge the stolen land in which I write this from, Toronto is in the "Dish with One Spoon Territory", a treaty between the Anishinaabe, Mississaugas and Haudenosaunee that bound them to share the territory and protect the land. Subsequent Indigenous Nations and peoples, Europeans and all newcomers have been said to be invited into this treaty in the spirit of peace, friendship and respect. And I wish to continue learning/unlearning through the steps of decolonization, as well to honour the elders and uphold the teachings that came before us.

          A gender and psychoanalysis professor at the University of Toronto said that she didn't believe in revolutions, and after hearing her declare such again and again... I stayed after class to ask, why ? As a cynically-oppressed and a clinically-depressed transgender woman of marginalized experiences, I'm not sure if I'd have the strength to wake up the next day if not for the hopes of revolutionary change. Yet not even for me and the contexts of my social-political realities, what about the revolutions happening around the globe right now as we speak ? People are fighting, and dying... for change. How can we not believe in such light ? And well, she explained that she doesn't believe in revolutions... here. She said she "didn't think our egos can handle the pain". She spoke of how revolutions call for collective trauma, and then I realized that she does have a point. We live in such privileged societal-circles (especially within institutionalized spaces) where there're so many are upper middle-classed, gaining such access to spaces and "higher learning", that in a sense... we have lost empathy. Maybe that's why I've missed working with elementary schools and high schools on 2SLGBTQ+ education and inclusion. University and College campuses can be so isolating for students, and people are constantly under stress and pressure for their own survival, future, and "success" that I see folks not having the emotional capacities to really care. Such realization really hurts, especially as a student who started working on campus before even started classes...

          Even student advocates and union leaders, most are only there to add titles for their resumes, for popularity, or just for their own social-political self-interests/future career connections. Don't believe me ? Just watch what their next job is. Since the winter semester has ended, alongside with transphobic attacks during the student elections, I say I'm taking a break from campus-work because I want to go out into the community more... Which isn't incorrect, but also I feel quite hopeless. And I won't say that I feel like my work isn't wanted, because I know that my work isn't wanted. Especially as a mad transgender woman of colour, how do I get cis-straight student leaders to care about the queer and trans community ? Everything, is performative. The University of Toronto Scarborough invited me to speak at their flag-raising, with no compensation even when asked, and emphasized to bring a "positive message" ?! The student union was also invited to speak, knew of such mistreatment towards a transgender speaker during Pride and they all still did it... with no trans representations to my knowledge when trans women (ESP BLACK TRANS WOMEN) are the ones responsible for why we have Pride. There is absolutely no shame when it comes to performative allyhood at UTSC. A positive message ? After constant misgendering on campus by both students and staffs, after a group of transphobic students publicly fat-shamed me on their social media last year in residence, after the Scarborough campus not having any physicians with knowledge of trans health-care so I'd need to travel to the other campus to see a doctor and nurse, after the SCSU ran an election with candidates involved in a transphobic cyberbullying scandal, after by-standing candidates get elected and still have the person who made such attacks towards me hanging around in the union's office ?! The University even spoke to me about possibly continuing my involvement in their Positive Space committee, working under the principal's office towards creating safer spaces for LGBTQ students and staffs ??? I can't, being a token has not only starved me, ruined my mental well-being, as well as having to deal with transphobic bullshit, constantly. Working within systems to change its systems can only work if those who hold power are listening and are also ready for change. And UTSC, is not...

          HOWEVER, there is hope. There musts be. Speaking to a peer today really made my heart warm, as there are so many, still hurting, waiting, for change. And there are more than we think, who are ready to act as well, there are also great student activists doing the work, however most of them are also burnt out and often neglected for their radical agency. I have such a love-hate relationship with University Institutions, because it is the students who are the future, and I still very much do believe in revolutions. I don't just believe it, I know it is possible. Radical change, is coming. The fight is still for the people, it will always be. The University of Guelph just announced that they'd be having their first ever Indigenous language course teaching Ojibway, something I've been wishing and vocalizing to witness at the University of Toronto. And of course, I do not need positions/titles to work and serve, especially to fight for change, but she needs to pay rent and eat somehow...

          The downfall of student advocates, is self-interest, and the downfall of student advocacy, is apathy. And the truth is, some people aren't even there yet for empathy. Some people need to unlearn privileged apathy and start with sympathy first. The revolution does call for collective trauma, as there are pains that need to be addressed, but if you would allow yourself to feel and embrace the full spectrum of humanity, the good the bad the ugly... and also allow myself to hold your hand through. I promise you, the journey is worth the glory. I remember ending my speech to a room-full of principals and admins when I help launched the new policies regarding transgender rights and safety with the Waterloo District School Board back in 2017, I said that the communities who are still hurting have been so brave, thus now it is time for the rest of the world to be brave with us.

Pride 2019: Hope in the Dark...

“Toronto is in the 'Dish with One Spoon Territory’. The Dish with One Spoon is a treaty between the Anishinaabe, Mississaugas and Haudenosaunee that bound them to share the territory and protect the land. Subsequent Indigenous Nations and peoples, Europeans and all newcomers have been invited into this treaty in the spirit of peace, friendship and respect. We all eat out of the Dish, all of us that share this territory, with only one spoon. That means we have to share the responsibility of ensuring the dish is never empty, which includes taking care of the land and the creatures we share it with. Importantly, there are no knives at the table, representing that we must keep the peace.”

- Aboriginal Education Council, Ryerson University

          Chynal Lindsay, Johana Medina, Muhlaysia Booker, Michelle Simone, Dana Martin, Claire Legato, Ashanti Carmon, Jazzaline Ware... Rest in Peace & Power my sisters. I am sorry, for the world did not understand your art, thus not appreciating and honouring your glory, your truth, your breath... So let us remember, that Pride is not a festival but a fight. I am a transgender woman of colour at 19 years old, praying to survive 2019... Yet while I am here with such a broken soul, I am still privileged enough to dream of healing, especially when my black trans sisters are dying... I aspire to embody love, but what a privilege to meet ignorance with patience and to meet violence with compassion. Such privileges can not be held nor learned when they're already dead.
          So then how do we wake up, with hope ?
          How do we thrive... when most are only surviving ?

"I feel therefore I can be free..." - Audre Lorde

I feel lost, tired, discouraged. I feel desperate. I feel, like a woman before my time.
I feel like a woman who have long died, I feel helpless, I feel... dark.
However, we deserve to feel light, and fight. We deserve, better.

          Perhaps what's more saddening than a burnout, is the lost of hope. Without hope, we are lost with directions, lost without motivation, lost... in the dark. I hear cis-women speak of how they feel as if we have gone back in time as the setbacks for reproductive rights in America continues. Yet we can not leave our trans and gender non-conforming friends and families behind. We must fight back as one and united, fighting for the liberation of all. Like our mothers Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera believed: Power to the People. Which people ? All people, but especially the poor, the sick, the marginalized, the folks on the street, the Black, Indigenous and folks of colour, the queer and trans folks, folks with disabilities...etc. We have to take care of each other, as community building/organizing is one of our only hopes left. Like Malcolm X said, "the future belongs to those who prepare for it", thus we must come together, to strategize and act.

"I don't think we will win, [but]

I do not believe hope should be a prerequisite for trying anyways."

- Alok Vaid-Menon

          I am a transgender woman of colour and I aspire to be ever-so softer against this cruel hard world... Thus join me, to both birth and search for the light. May we continue to learn and unlearn, working towards decolonization and true liberation for all. May we carry the spirit of the forces that came before us, may we stand on the shoulders of women/femmes that paved the way, may we heal... collectively and gloriously.

#UofTDoesntCare

          "How many lives ?"...
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, on stolen land ?
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, "the best University of Canada" ?
How many lives did it cost to build such institution, that was never meant for us ?

          The University of Toronto has always attempted to ignore and cover up the mental health crisis on their campuses, which is fundamental to their operation and values. In 2018, the University of Toronto passed the Mandated Leave of Absence, allowing themselves as an institution to determine students' wellness to continue their studies and involvement on campus, putting them on leave (which in certain cases, would revoke an international student's VISA status). They ware forced to revise such policy after violating the Ontario Human Rights Code. The policy passed however, is a raw evidence that the University of Toronto is not interested in caring for students' health and wellness. The policy is a sign of cowardice and cruelty, willing to strip away students' (whom some often have sacrificed so much for being here) rights and access to education as well as on-campus services. The University would rather put students in need on leave, then help them towards recovery...

In 2019, U of T St. George students protest after a third reported suicide.
In 2019, I visited U of T Mississauga and found out that their campus mental health coverage only allowed UTM students to have up to 5 counselling sessions, as if mental illness is gone in 1, 2, 3, 4... 5.
In 2019, I don't have a doctor with the knowledge of trans communities and their medical transitional needs and accommodations to start hormones at U of T Scarborough.
In 2019, students are restless and numb... barely surviving.

Yet how many more lives... does it cost to maintain such institution ?
          White Faculties and Staffs, making money from a sea of colour...
          The University of Toronto is not the best University of Canada, it's the best business disguised as education, with a violently colonial system. Paying white cisgender men to rule, paying white women to teach reconciliation, paying cis women to teach LGBTQ+ studies... Don't say you care about Indigenous rights, teachings, and values but then invest in companies that supports Israel, contributing to the occupation of Palestine. It's time for the University to divest from the three companies: Northrop Grumman, Hewlett Packard, and Lockheed Martin, "to end its involvement in socially injurious activities and violations of international law" (U of T Divest, 2014).

          Even when I was honoured enough to be representing the University to present my research studies in Portugal back in 2018. The cost was supposed to be covered but not due to a number that defines my academic standing as mediocre yet I was travelling internationally teaching and representing this so-called "the best University of Canada" ? Clearly, U of T doesn't care about the students contributions unless it's a number, especially those tuition numbers. U of T as an institution, does not care. U of T is all about business, thus 2 things: profit and press.

          I am here, in pursuit of an education as a marginalized person. I supposed an institution of "higher learning" would have learnt to make education as accessible as possible, but I'm wrong, and they're obviously wrong but doesn't care. Because the University of Toronto can not be the people's house unless it is upheld by people who are truly invested in the students' needs and interests.

          Students are not just numbers producing numbers, students are our present as well as future. It's time to rise up, It's time to take back this institution, to take back our campuses, our education, our rights and freedoms... our future.