I wish to acknowledge the stolen land of Turtle Island in which we as settlers continue to benefit from the continuous genocide of Indigenous Peoples. Especially with the recent celebrations of Canada 152, perpetuating the on-going traumas of a colonial state. As a settler-immigrant in the territories of Tkaronto, I strive to learn/unlearn with the teachings that came before me as well as upholding the treaty of the 'Dish with One Spoon'.
I swallowed, and paused. Silence fills the room as he gets up to get dressed. I stayed still watching the bills on the table making sure they're untouched. After he left, I left with the cash, sat down to order. I chewed and swallowed, then paused... Such satisfaction and privilege for a meal, both humbling and numbing; I may not know of tomorrow but I am thankful for the next breath and the strength for a bite.
"35, is the life expectancy for a trans woman of colour..."
If 35 is the life expectancy, does it mean that I'm already middle-aged ? Whether it is due to the risks of exclusion, violence, and/or illness, the trans community is not estranged to the idea of survival. Especially for the Black trans woman, the Indigenous trans folks/2-Spirited folks, trans folks with disability, trans folks experiencing homelessness, trans sex workers...etc. I acknowledge and I truly believe, that part of my survival has been because of being a light-skinned woman of colour. More than 10 trans women have been murdered in North America (Turtle Island) since the summer started, all racialized women of colour, most were black, most were homeless, and most were sex workers as well. And yes, people are advocating for sex workers' rights, but what is empowerment when it comes to survival ? Some sex workers are working to capitalize, and more power to them of course. Yet agents cost, ads can cost, there are very few inclusive spaces for trans women of colour to build a respectable earning from such work, especially when most are still only fetishized and often dehumanized by not even clients but just people. And I'm not here to capitalize, I'm here to survive. I'm also still just here searching for softness, trying to ease a growling stomach with a heavy heart.
With attempts of governments owning the white "female" bodies of reproduction while neglecting care for trans-masculine and other non-binary/intersex bodies, coloured femme bodies have always been desired but not loved and often deemed disposable. People wish to edit my resumes, but don't they know of the ways we as queer and trans people know how to sell ourselves (if that's what we wanted) ? People don't understand why a student activist who have organized various conferences/panels, presented as scholar abroad as well as speaking on a keynote panel with the 'me too' founder is not getting jobs. People continue to think that systematic transphobia doesn't exist, especially because they're just so equitable and inclusive even in workplaces operating under capitalistic-patriarchal ideologies right ? Even not-for-profits, I am competing with hundreds of 2SLGBTQ+ folks in the equity-education markets, most who are older than me already finished with post-secondary. We have too many activists doing the work, not enough spaces to let them do the work. Not enough, our WERK is always made to feel not enough... Yet it takes such painful enlightenment to understand that the world is not built for us, thus we create our own paths, no matter how dark. Because even in darkness, we learn to become the light.
With stories of assault all-too-common within trans-coloured-femme circles, I get scared too you know... I get scared, meeting clients who are often aggressive and conflicted with their own internalized queer/transphobia. I get scared on the streets at night, I get scared to breathe or speak. I get scared too, knowing death so familiarly well. I get scared waking in fear, not knowing if I'd have shelter after the summer. I get scared waking in tears, seeing reports of death almost every week on the top of my Facebook feed. I get scared even writing this... Yes, I am afraid but I am also still here. Like I said, my survival til this day lies in my privileges and the expenses of other folks who are also on the margins of the margins. Thus I promise myself, that my victories of healing must be also for all communities that are hurting. Today we suck to survive, so we can live to serve tomorrow.
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