Moving In & On

("Solitude" by Warsan Shire)

"God, my alone feels so good, but lately I’ve craving something more, something deeper

I want love. But not just any kind of Love,
no, I want a love so deep it’d make the ocean jealous.

But I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude...

You must love me for everything I’m worth,

and then some..."

          Why loving has been so painful, like embracing a rainbow only to be left with the wind ? Maybe love will always be painful for "I'm lonely so I do lonely things"; Maybe love will always be bitter when I don't love myself thus a bittersweet lesson of self-preservation... Then "I was still lonely so I did even lonelier things," and "I had to leave [because] I felt lonely when he held me..." Maybe I wasn't ready for love, but perhaps the lesson also had its timing. I remembered saying I would never sleepover at a mans, and funny how now I still cry myself longing to be held: "Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you. I'm a lover without a lover; I'm lovely and lonely"... Now that I have tasted and felt love, I still fear myself in love ironically when love has been what's keeping me alive as well. The truth is that I'm afraid of my solitude, but I also know that without loving myself first by example, the world will never learn to carry my heavy heart... However, sometimes I wonder if maybe the lesson's never to teach the world but to just practice the art of self-love, to not just write poetry but to actually believe that "I belong deeply to myself" ("34 Excuses For Why We Failed at Love" by Warsan Shire).

          I'm afraid of moving on; I'm afraid of not being loved, I'm afraid of not loving enough, I'm afraid of not being enough... I pray for vulnerability to lead me onto paths of freedom, I meditate on the nights of feeling hopeless and I honour the rivers I've cried to survive. Yet I must do better, I have to... Instead of crying and holding myself through darkness, the lesson is perhaps to love myself through it, to embrace myself no matter the worth. As like the moon, we don't always feel full but we are still loved and deserving of light, no matter the phase...

          I'm also afraid of moving in, as I'm moving into the city for June, finally, but still during a pandemic. I always make decisions my mother questions, but I tell myself that the uncertainties of others only make my mission more deeply personal. I'm not to be understood by reasons, but to be by feelings. I know I make decisions to constantly challenge my comfort zones, almost as if I don't allow myself to have comfort zones... Virgo in both Sun & Moon: being good is not/never good enough; there is always a work in progress. Maybe it's positive to obsess over self-betterment and improvement, as my processes so far have been just studying/working as worth and rotting slowly at home... I need change, close to community, and compassion. I need a room above earth, I need sunlight, I need to start planting and growing the gardens I have been planning. I want a new room and bed, a new start, a new chapter. And I wish this time I know it's not to run away but to resettle/refocus/relearn of loving my own solitude, in all phases again...

          What do I deserve ? Why does a flower deserve to bloom ? ... I'm afraid of not being happier after I've moved aboveground, but isn't it unfair ? I know happiness to be one's responsibility but for me it has only felt like a burden. Maybe I'm getting too comfortable in my sadness, thus unsafe in solitude... The lesson of this Spring/Summer becomes a soft reminder, of patience and healing as I start to plant/water my garden within. I come to slowly realize that it is never too late for a wilting houseplant, to dream/plan of love, freedom, and light.

"... Remember that I want to be loved as deep as the ocean, but 

Remember that I am like the ocean -

I can slip through your fingers, but manage to hold up an army of ships

Kiss me, hold me, love me, but tell me if you’re not up for it...

I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude"

- "Solitude" by Warsan Shire