every breath i take i balance between life and death. every day i wake feeling undeserving, crying into my sheets and apologizing to the world, for how i have failed at love, for how much i hate myself, for not being or doing enough, for not feeling enough... through experiencing/witnessing violence, hating/loving myself, and embracing death that i (re/un)learn life from lessons of humanity. we study humanity, we research compassion, we experiment empathy; we come to understand that humanity is of such soft essence, many would name it fragile but through softness comes strength, as life only blooms the brightest in organic ways - as souls only saved in the peace/truth of salvation - as "there is brilliance in survival but thriving is an art form"... what we have been taught, even by ourselves for survival, may not always be the medicines for healing. how do we find freedom while still fighting for liberation ? how can we find collective joy amongst such pains ? how do we move forward, together ?
every time i go to the waters i wish to bow in balasana, pray in child's resting pose, stretch my hands into receiving the waves - i meditate for cleanse, for clarity, for clear conscious. i hate myself so i ask for forgiveness, i love myself so i ask for teachings. i hate the world because i love the world, and i dare to hate myself deeper, to love the world better... the nature of our egos position ourselves in the good, as we most make decisions that are self-serving. the connections of such relates to moral developments as well as a test on empathy, and somehow everyone becomes an enforcement of social/moral hierarchies, a judge of their rights and wrongs, and a defendant to their own standards. we become hypocrisies to our own humanities, we become the labourers of our own oppressors, and we become ignorant/denial to our own complicities through the ways Black/Indigenous women/femmes are always at the frontlines but never given the honour/credit/respect, in the ways we govern over stolen lands, as well as from the ways we perpetuate/gatekeep colonial notions of understandings/expressions... they say fuck the police but will police your gender, they will say abolish the state but then want to erase your existence, they say uplift their women but will stomp trannies into the sidewalks. maybe we are all just compensating for the flaws of our becoming, as we're too busy performing our growth that we forget about our being. how do we make space to move forward, together ? how can we make spaces for those who doesn't look/feel/love like us ? how do we make space for us to slow down, to pause from survival, to dare to reimagine ?
getting yourself together.
what about undoing yourself.
- the fix
by Nayyirah Waheed
every night i crawl to my bed for comfort as i survive through the city in safety... every day holds another lesson of humility as i explore my own humanity, and every breath i take is full of grace and growing pains as we dare to keep going. i dare to claim for my uncertainties for life to be evidences of exploration, as at times it takes dancing with death to make peace with living. i dare to claim for my uncertainties for love to be lessons of compassion, empathy, and preservation, as often it takes lose to make ways for rebirth. i dare to claim for my uncertainties for our humanity to be deep meditations of what it means to be, as we survive and we evolve - as we are becoming... what is your being and who is your becoming ?
be easy.
take your time.
you are coming
home.
to yourself.
- the becoming
by Nayyirah Waheed
abolishing the police means to confront its violent legacies internal to our humanities. abolishing the state means to decolonize lands/bodies, to pray in reparations and meditate in reconciliactions. abolishing systematic violence means to relearn community care and unlearn individualism, to relearn collective joy, to unlearn for justice... abolishing the colonial-patriarchy means to embrace compassion and vulnerability, and return to the roots of feeling for our collective breath.
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