The Truth: University/"Higher Education"

          I am a trans woman of colour standing at the intersections of visibility and violence; I am surrendering my strength to softness, humbling myself for the magic of my heart and spirit would not be in its glory without the black and indigenous mothers and femmes, as well as the 2SLGBTQ+ elders that have came and fought before me... As a settler-immigrant surviving in a colonial-capitalist state, I wish to acknowledge the complicity of my being, the privileges of my access, and the possible violence of my ignorance as I continue to learn/unlearn/grow. It is the aim to come together as a decolonizing collective to dismantle institutional powers of the patriarchy through socio-political freedom of the mind, reform of education, and a firm foundation of compassion politics for the equity and justice of all marginalized peoples.

          I am exhausted, of fighting for belonging within a system that's not built for equity and inclusion; I am tired of defending complicity for the performative possibility of change; I am disgusted with shallow lip-services of identity politics, with diversity being for the sake of exploitive representation, and with justice being said for the sake of expression but never action... Education towards Liberation loses its meaning: when they handcuffed a student for feeling suicidal; when they teach critical thinking without knowing action; when students die for believing their worth as GPA numbers; when they say higher learning without knowing unlearning; when they say transphobic violence is not for discipline under student code of conducts; when more than enough students of the ranked "top University of Canada" have experienced instability of housing, food, (mental) health, and the social/medical/psychological resources of support needed but they still say congratulations.

          I would understand even if fellow youths/students of academia disagree, but I dare to state the truth as what we know as institutional higher learning is not real: it is not the education built for unity and collective liberation. Yet with acknowledgement to my traumas with systematic oppression, I urge for those able to survive and thrive under such systems to let go of the false powers of knowledge productions and the connections/privileges of colonial-capitalist/elitist access. And if access is truly needed, then may we not lose a second of strive to decolonize/dismantle the institution while navigating through such systems for change. I believe in education through compassionate politics and equity, thus why I say such violent and labouring fight for resources/access is not true education/higher learning for the emotional and empathetic intelligence needed of liberating impact... 

          Though on a self-reflective and confessional note: I am still fighting to keep myself in academia, for perhaps foolish and hopeless potentials of change and "success", but still failing and hurting from the battles/ barriers of visibility as violence. Maybe I'm afraid of leaving this war with the institutions; perhaps the uncertainty of social dynamics as well as the socio-political and economic stigmas against those "uneducated" still haunts me and my generational lineage... as no matter how she screams death to systematic violence, she has been made part of them... The truth is that the people are not relating to her words no longer, even if they understand and feel the struggle. She asks herself of how she can truly serve the people without knowing their language and sharing their struggles ? bell hooks once said that she "came to theory because [she] was hurting," and as I came to the philosophical studies of humanities on gender and social equity/justice for the pains of surviving as a trans woman of colour, I soon realized that theory is there indeed for us to comprehend the struggles of our existence; however, theory is not of healing nor liberation. I am a femme giving birth to myself, a storyteller searching for softness and for where the light pours in... And I am afraid that such compassionate justice is not buildable through the rotting hierarchies of complicity, that it is not sound for flowers forcing blossoms when showered with acid and planted in poison, that students deserve better, and that youths must begin to build our own tables, creating access and possibilities for the sanity of ourselves, for the honour of those before, and for the glory of those after us...

"Those of us who stand outside the circle of this society's definition of acceptable women; those of us who have been forged in the crucibles of difference -- those of us who are poor, who are lesbians, who are Black, who are older -- know that survival is not an academic skill. It is learning how to take our differences and make them strengths. 
For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. 
They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master's house as their only source of support." - Audre Lorde

20th: Birthday Blues

          19 still surviving 2019; turning 20 now, and then... what ?
Birthday: what is it really ? We come together to celebrate one's first and last breaths, while we ignore the reality of those struggling to breathe, to live, to survive with dignities through such cruel modern humanities... It is difficult for me to celebrate another cycle of survival when it feels as if my next breath could be my last and me being okay with it. A dead girl walking, still trying to appreciate life...

          20 years ago today, a baby was born not a boy. She has died, so many times... rebirthing again and again. 20 years later, a woman was born, from herself and to herself. 20 years old, I am so exhausted... of our lives not being ours, of our love not being ours, of our beauty not being ours, and of our death not being ours... I am tired of surviving as a commodity and not living as human. I am trying to learn/unlearn joy, in the means of my heart and not others. 20 years of a broken heart, trying to learn/unlearn notions of happiness through the full spectrums of humanity. 20 years of crying, wondering of myself in light and of healing through the dark. 20 years of searching for softness, slowly realizing that she holds the softness in which she needs to not only survive, but thrive...

          I will forever hold gratitude and space for the queer/trans coloured women/girls/femmes that came before me, specifically for the 2-Spirit/Trans Indigenous folks and their native teachings of gender diversity. And I will continue to survive, learning/unlearning to hold love and space for myself, as I owe my thrive to the queer/trans coloured women/girls/femmes after me. It becomes difficult for me to celebrate the life of self when often it has felt as if theres not a deserving self at all. Yet when one drowns in her own shadows, she survives through breathing for not herself but for us... Healing, is loving you all so much that I start loving myself too. Happy Birthday, stay alive sis.

Concerning Violence & Survival

CW/TW: violence

          "Are you okay ? What's wrong ?"
Define "okay" and tell me what isn't wrong... I have been staring at this blank draft, wondering of the meaning to my words, and the purpose of my story. Yet I must write, for then I might finally stop crying...

          Capitalism forces a sex worker who’s just been raped on Saturday to seek more work on the Monday after. She knows of crying on the weekends for rest and crying on the weekdays for work. Colonialism taught us that there was no freedom compared to the development of some, Capitalism now teaches us that there is no freedom compared to the development for some.

          A trans woman of colour, a miracle for how she drags a dead body to class. Crying uncontrollably from her bed to the bathroom, she promises herself that she'll be okay, even knowing the possibility of peace within if she just drop dead. Yet guilt is what makes it unbearable, the guilt for mourning a body that still breathes with other trans women/femmes being murdered. As a survivor from times and times again, I feel as if someone else is wearing my body. I do not know of where I am nor why I am... Yet I am already so privileged and lucky, and I apologize to my next breath for I do not give this life justice. I am so sorry to the world, for my incapability of spreading love and life that so many around me deserve. I am sorry as I wish to give this stolen soil more than just my tears, to give the hurting more than just safe spaces, to give the breaking more than just solidarity, to give the loving more than just me. I apologize, as I wish to give so much more, still waiting for the world to embrace me back, softly... And perhaps it is too selfish, to imagine love, to imagine safety, to fantasy a home, and to seek for softness among such cruelty.

          Capitalism forces the meaning out of friendships, out of relationships, out of love, and care... as no one is able to even save themselves. What do I say, to "friends" when they ask if I'm okay ? How do I answer, to "lovers" when they ask me what's wrong ? They have nothing to offer, but to share my pains and burdens. As I have told my psychiatrist, speaking of my circumstances does not seem productive... I wish I can shake off the teachings of Capitalism, but like a disease it eats you from the inside out. I wish to not feel worthless when I have not sent out at least a job application a day. I wish to not feel useless when I can not pay for my own meal. I wish to not... feel such heaviness for simply just breathing.

          concerning violence and survival... are you okay ? 

          Life, feels like it's only meant for some. I wonder of the people enjoying their summers, traveling, with what is known to be families and friends. I wonder of the people, working and trying to enjoy their summers, appreciating the weekends and the little money sustaining their social lives. Is that happiness ? Is happiness as we know it even accessible ? I wonder of the people struggling, but still enjoying their summers, trying to forget, trying to cope, trying to be, happy. Or as happy as we can be I guess with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Thus I wonder of myself, as I don't know how to go to class, appointments, write essays, seek for jobs, for shelter, for love, for myself, and for happiness all at the same time... Maybe I've just been weak and lost. I have no one to blame but for myself, as no one takes care of me but me. I'll be okay, I have to be...

Open Letter to U of Toronto/Transphobia

An Open Letter to the University of Toronto(Tkaronto)/Transphobia,

          This is an open letter to the system, thus an equity concern for all. Today a Tuesday in July, about 5 months after traumatic incidents of transphobia at the Scarborough campus, the University reached out for a follow-up meeting with the Equity and Diversity senior adviser as well as one of the deans. They have informed me that the student code of conduct fails to recognize my case, however they will still move forward to meet with this particular student to emphasize the University’s stance of equity. Yet the issue is what stance of equity ? I had to remind the staff in the meeting of how this is not the first transphobic incident that I have encountered in my just 2 years of study. The student code of conduct works like a slap on the wrist, how has the University actually taken steps to protect students of marginalization while experiencing discriminatory injustices ?

          What concerns me even more is the fact that I was suggested a possibility through the Sexual Violence procedure and policies for a more serious and equitable consequence and was also reminded with emphasis that the code of conduct was written too long ago. So not only do the equity and diversity adviser and dean realize and admit to the institution’s outdated policies, but have no solutions and steps-in-action for updates ? It seems that unless it concerns of a physical conflict, the student code of conduct fails to provide any equitable solutions with immediate action/change. And the University rather have me accuse a student of sexual violence than to hold them accountable of transphobia ? It seems bizarre to other students but to me it just shows that the University’s lack of understanding and agency towards a safer space on campus for all. It is also concerning that the student code of conduct seems to prioritize over the offender's intent rather than the impact as I was told that the reason why the code fails to recognize such incidence is due to the hate speech was never meant to be public or be directed towards me. However, such reasoning also fails to recognize that the student in question was in a group chat alongside other students which have all gathered for a political purpose. Thus in a response to my social-political presence and work on campus, the hate speech was made to not only attack my character, but also my work. And at the time during the winter semester, was I not also working on campus for the student body as well as the University under the principal’s office ? As a concerned student, I also wonder of the treatments towards marginalized staff and faculty as I also know of the limitations often put upon roles of equity within such system. Yet beyond me and my concerns, such equity crisis is possible to any person. Even if a student file a compliant through the sexual violence procedure on campus for an assault, as a student who have worked at the UTSC Sexual Violence Prevention & Support Centre as well as a peer who know many who have accessed the services that I know that such process can take months of consultation/investigation with also a possibility towards inaction/unaccountability.

          There is a pattern, of equity failure. There is a pattern, of policies not upholding the claimed equity mandates, of procedures continue to retraumatize victims/survivors with no promises of change and/or support. Today a Tuesday in July, I sat in a meeting with the Equity and Diversity senior adviser as well as one of the deans with silences filling the room as I asked the question of, how can we ensure the safety of students accessing their right of education when we also allow students with violent ideologies to take up such space ? And how authentic is such institution’s claim of an “LGBTQ+ positive space” ? These students involved with the transphobic incidents have also made appearances to the Pride events on campus, and people wonder why there was barely any queer and trans students attending. The dean said to have ideas for more LGBTQ+ events, but how can we expect queer and trans students to come out when we can’t protect them ? Making visibility is not making change, we have to make change first then give such visibility. Otherwise is it not all but a performance ? And speaking of performance, I wonder why such process of meeting has not been communicated through email, and as personal as such incident can be, there were also no note-taking in today’s meeting. Other student leaders told me that I should have had a peer went with me as a supporting witness so the University doesn't attempt to “sweep things under the rug”. I hope for us to understand that such distrust among students, even if it’s mistaking the lack of solution for the lack of action, is the bitter outcry of students in crisis, especially of student leaders/activists in burnout. May such uncertainty towards the current system help spark the agency for change.

          People of no matter what age, birth/race/colour, status/class, sex, gender identity/expression, sexual/romantic orientation, religious/spiritual practices/beliefs, political/social/personal ideals, physical/developmental/mental/emotional well-being/ability, deserve the access and their rights to education. And I believe that it is our duty, and especially the institution's as well as the student union’s, to protect all students facing any systematic barriers due to social-political circumstances that may come with identities/experiences of marginalization. The dean today said that they still believe in the social power and benefits to visibility, and I agree. Yet due to the lack and change and the trans-tokenization of myself in the last 2 years that I have given to this institution, I wish to work with the University differently if given the chance and space. Rather than collaborating on events and short-term campaigns, my goals for the University to develop new policies/procedural codes for concerns of equity and inclusion. Of course with specific solutions concerning various marginalization ie. violence against gender identity/expression. Even with workshops, guidelines, and policies for all staff, faculty, to protect students from misgendering in classrooms and while accessing on-campus services. Similarly to the policy launch regarding the rights and safety of transgender students/staff with the Waterloo District School Board that I was fortunate enough to be involved with years ago, the focus is really on reeducating educators for a more equitable and inclusive education. It does not have to be just me nor does such actionable change need to include me at all as long as it is lead by authentic voices of the targeted communities. Yet I do not expect much from the University knowing not only of the history of inequitable policies (ie. the Mandated Leave of Absence Policy) passed even with critiques from the Ontario Human Rights Commission, but also knowing the possible queer/transphobia that lies within the administrative/policy-making staffs.

          In my first year of University, students posted a video filled with intoxicated transphobic hate speech, calling me an “it”. In my second year of University, students joked about my body as a transgender woman publicly online, wishing their chat never got leaked. Imagine waking up to students publications posting words said about me without my consent/knowledge, imagine campus becoming a battlefield of identity politics. I know of too many students who have left their education due to marginalization, and of too many queer and trans students feeling unsafe and ready to leave our campuses.

What is the University of Toronto/Transphobia doing ? What is the University not doing ?

Also, the University of Toronto is currently one of the institutional supporters across North America (Turtle Island) on the Thirty Meter Telescope (TMT) project, an invasive proposed astronomical observatory with its planned location being Mauna Kea, sacred to the Native Hawaiian people and culture. When will the University start prioritizing people over profit ?

Sex Work: Sucking Dick for a Meal

          I wish to acknowledge the stolen land of Turtle Island in which we as settlers continue to benefit from the continuous genocide of Indigenous Peoples. Especially with the recent celebrations of Canada 152, perpetuating the on-going traumas of a colonial state. As a settler-immigrant in the territories of Tkaronto, I strive to learn/unlearn with the teachings that came before me as well as upholding the treaty of the 'Dish with One Spoon'.

          I swallowed, and paused. Silence fills the room as he gets up to get dressed. I stayed still watching the bills on the table making sure they're untouched. After he left, I left with the cash, sat down to order. I chewed and swallowed, then paused... Such satisfaction and privilege for a meal, both humbling and numbing; I may not know of tomorrow but I am thankful for the next breath and the strength for a bite.

          "35, is the life expectancy for a trans woman of colour..."

          If 35 is the life expectancy, does it mean that I'm already middle-aged ? Whether it is due to the risks of exclusion, violence, and/or illness, the trans community is not estranged to the idea of survival. Especially for the Black trans woman, the Indigenous trans folks/2-Spirited folks, trans folks with disability, trans folks experiencing homelessness, trans sex workers...etc. I acknowledge and I truly believe, that part of my survival has been because of being a light-skinned woman of colour. More than 10 trans women have been murdered in North America (Turtle Island) since the summer started, all racialized women of colour, most were black, most were homeless, and most were sex workers as well. And yes, people are advocating for sex workers' rights, but what is empowerment when it comes to survival ? Some sex workers are working to capitalize, and more power to them of course. Yet agents cost, ads can cost, there are very few inclusive spaces for trans women of colour to build a respectable earning from such work, especially when most are still only fetishized and often dehumanized by not even clients but just people. And I'm not here to capitalize, I'm here to survive. I'm also still just here searching for softness, trying to ease a growling stomach with a heavy heart.

          With attempts of governments owning the white "female" bodies of reproduction while neglecting care for trans-masculine and other non-binary/intersex bodies, coloured femme bodies have always been desired but not loved and often deemed disposable. People wish to edit my resumes, but don't they know of the ways we as queer and trans people know how to sell ourselves (if that's what we wanted) ? People don't understand why a student activist who have organized various conferences/panels, presented as scholar abroad as well as speaking on a keynote panel with the 'me too' founder is not getting jobs. People continue to think that systematic transphobia doesn't exist, especially because they're just so equitable and inclusive even in workplaces operating under capitalistic-patriarchal ideologies right ? Even not-for-profits, I am competing with hundreds of 2SLGBTQ+ folks in the equity-education markets, most who are older than me already finished with post-secondary. We have too many activists doing the work, not enough spaces to let them do the work. Not enough, our WERK is always made to feel not enough... Yet it takes such painful enlightenment to understand that the world is not built for us, thus we create our own paths, no matter how dark. Because even in darkness, we learn to become the light.

          With stories of assault all-too-common within trans-coloured-femme circles, I get scared too you know... I get scared, meeting clients who are often aggressive and conflicted with their own internalized queer/transphobia. I get scared on the streets at night, I get scared to breathe or speak. I get scared too, knowing death so familiarly well. I get scared waking in fear, not knowing if I'd have shelter after the summer. I get scared waking in tears, seeing reports of death almost every week on the top of my Facebook feed. I get scared even writing this... Yes, I am afraid but I am also still here. Like I said, my survival til this day lies in my privileges and the expenses of other folks who are also on the margins of the margins. Thus I promise myself, that my victories of healing must be also for all communities that are hurting. Today we suck to survive, so we can live to serve tomorrow.