I am many things, but being selfish is a word I've always hated. I've been told many things about how I'm a selfish person and I agree; I know what I want and sometimes I want too much. Sometimes I want to be somebody and be under the lights, I want to be or at least to be seen as fabulous. I like the applesauce and the cheers, I like the compliments even more. These "I"s can proof just how selfish I, a human can be. But, aren't we all a little selfish ? I'm not saying it's alright to be selfish and that we shouldn't try to be selfless, but aren't we have the instinct to think for ourselves ? Yes, I know what I want in life and I do whatever it takes to achieve that, but I think a human can also be caring, loving, friendly and more along with being selfish. Or at least I try to be so...
The thing is, I've never denied for being selfish. I may have tried to defend myself or find excuses for being selfish, but deep down I know that I am a very selfish person. I do think for others and I do love others, sometimes I even care a little too much of how and what the others think. But these are all for me, that's the problem. I care of what they think is because I want them to like ME. I try to be nice to most people because I don't want them to hate ME. I'm finally starting to see the problem, but to be honest with you, I don't know how to fix the problems other than just verbalizing it. And I don't even love myself enough, that's the funny part. It's because that I don't love myself enough, so I'm even more selfish for these love and support.
Someone told me today that one of the biggest reasons of my selfishness is because of the way I love. How I love people can be very verbal and physical (cuddling, hugging...etc). And that's not how everyone wants to be loved. Some people need breaks from me because I'm so hyper and physical. Some people even get stressed out because of my love. And it just really hurts to finally realize that my love isn't always wanted. Love should be a feeling that brings joy. I really don't want to hurt anyone with my love, but I just don't how to love anymore... I feel so grateful for my friends and family for accepting me, but I need to change.
Can someone tell me how to love ? Because I'm not sure what love is anymore. If my love don't produce joy, can it even be described as "love" then !? I seriously don't know what to do anymore, and I just don't want to selfish. It is actually one of my most scared words to be called. It makes me question everything I'm doing in life and to people...
Maybe... Life is just a never ending journey towards perfection and to become a better person.
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