Blossomed

          Yesterday, I finished my three hour and forty-five minutes Women's Literature exam, and I can not believe it, it's really done. The course is done, just like that. Women's Literature is probably by far the most difficult yet the most valuable course I've taken so far in my years of high school. It is not only challenging by the fact that it's a grade 12's university level course, but also because of the content covering modern media, feminist history, philosophy theories, and literature by women. I really can't express how much I've been changed for the better because of this course, it's just fabulous.

          I think that it's truly beautiful to be able to have a realization of the reality of our society and how far we've come as human beings. Throughout the course, I've not only blossomed as a Feminist, I've also learned so much about not only the history of the women's rights movement, but the LGBTQ+ rights movement too. It's equality for all, and we need to all be Feminists. I've also started to go to several FemmeQlub meetings in my school ! I just felt like I needed to learn even more, and be even more engaged and helpful in the community. And I find myself very lucky to be in a high school with a FemmeQlub leader who's such an inspiring Feminist. ("to blossom as a Feminist" is actually her words !)

           So I encourage all people to be Feminists, especially men. I think that the backlash on Feminism need to be understood and resolved. Our society can not and should not funcition with people only looking into extremists and radical groups of people and defy the true good labels we've created as a community. To be a Feminist, is beliving that both sexes should be equal, on social and political grounds. And I am, a Feminist.

          Also, Happy Birthday (it was yesterday !) to one of my best friends, also an editor of mine, Abryna B. She inspire me so much every day, and is actually one the first people who introduced me to Feminism.

Addicted

          It hasn't been easy, to watch a friend like this. She is addicted, addicted to the embrace, addicted to the scent, addicted to the comfort, but mostly, she is just addicted to... Him.

          January, first month of the year. While many are losing themselves to exams in school, at least there's someone I know who's been blossoming. It's their third attempt, and I couldn't help but wonder what this third chance they are giving each other will lead them to. Is it possible that they can prove all of us wrong, all of us who have not been truly supportive of the risk? Is it possible in any way, that this is the chance that can promise them something?

          I look back, and see how supportive I used to be. I look back, and I realize that I don't actually dislike this guy. I look back, and I finally see how in love they really are. As I move on, day by day, as I grow into a more logical human being. I feel less and less humane. I seem to have lost the romantic side of me, the hope I had in love. Can it be that I've been single for too long? 'Being happy' to me now somehow doesn't work as an answer anymore. I am in such a desperate need for plans, for logic, so where is my passion ? Where is my happily ever after? Gone. All gone. And so here I am now, on a search again, for love.

          Yes, I felt like I was losing her, it was almost like she was looking at the world through his eyes. But, I also believed that true love could make people lose themselves, and within that relationship, they could find themselves once again. I think I'm ready to be truly happy for her, because I need to find my love again. Maybe the world doesn't need as much logic and rationally as I thought it did. She is brave and she's giving this another chance. Why? Because she's happy. She's 16, she's young, she's free, and she's happy. 

          All I can do as a friend, is to be ready to catch her if ever she falls, and just let go. 

Editor K.L.S

The Bitch Phase

          So lately, I've been in a pretty bad mood for about three weeks now. I'm still not sure about the cause of this, but I've got a general idea. I mostly tell people that it's the stress of exam month, but I don't think it's all that simple.

          I've changed. I think I've mentioned before that I'm slowly becoming more realistic, which is leading to me becoming more negative now I think. I'm starting to see the things I dislike in people and I'm revealing the things that have always bothered me that I've never allowed myself to express before. I've been an total asshole to my close friends lately. Since I'm just becoming more realistic and bitchy, not mean, I don't do anything differently to most people I know. Yet it's still not really fair for my friends, they certainly don't deserve this. And I need to stop. Like real soon, before this gets out of hand.

          Being in a Women's Literature course has made me learn a lot of about Feminism and the Inequality in the world not only between the sexes, but also still in the global LGBTQA+ community. I've learned about the rape culture, the history of the oppression of females and I, myself am trying to become more political correct and aware by looking into the news and politics more. I've been also trying to make myself more logical and intellectual, trying to solve everything psychologically and also looking into philosophy more than I used to. I couldn't help but to think that I'm getting into things mentally I can't handle. I'm not used to seeing the worst of humanity and analyzing the flaws of human nature. So I turn into a negative and aggressive person. I used to be not judgmental at all, or the least that I can be. I used to believe that I have absolutely no place in this world to judge someone because I'm not them and I would never want anyone to feel judged by me. I wanted to be as loving, open, and caring as I could be. And now, I feel like a monster. The amount of logic feels almost inhumane to me.

          And now I realize that all this time I thought I was learning to love myself more, I was actually just transferring my self-hate into the world around me. Using logic and philosophy, I was somehow able to turn the judgement and hate that I was having towards myself around. It's not only making me judgmental, but also more focused on the world's flaws, not mine. Yet being logically to almost everything of the world around me, I have outbursts where I have irrational bitch fits daily. Now, I'm calling an end to this. Many say that once you look in philosophy, you can never turn back. But, I'm turning back. Honestly, I rather hate myself than to hate the world. I know sometimes the world should be hated, especially when we hear things like :"Rape culture isn't a thing.", "We don't need Feminism." and news like: "... lesbian raped and killed.", "... discussing to pass law where transgenders will be charged for using the wrong bathroom.", and "... Muslim man accused of being a terrorist.", but I want to be happy. So before that I'm more mature to accept the world's flaws, I will continue to be a hopeless dreamer and optimist.

          I'll need this weekend to turn my head around and to love the world again. I honestly just want to meditate in a forest, but I have homework and it's exam month. But trust me, the happy romantic optimist Leon is coming back real soon ! (I swear if that means I'll no longer be a happy single teen, I'll really sad. I've enjoyed my nights alone watching Netflix and making myself laugh.)

Alone on A Saturday Night

          Last night, it was my last night alone before my parents coming home from their cruise vacation. I was suppose to have a show rehearsal, yet I was busy cleaning the house, I lost track of time. And my friend who was suppose to come pick me up and drive me to the rehearsal place had misunderstood my message and only thought I needed a ride home from there, so she never came. So there, I was late.

          Once I realized what was happening, I quickly ran out with my purse, heels, and a coat. The buses would take me a little more than an hour to get there and the buses were running late because of the weather. So just when I thought being on a bus for an hour and will probably only making it to the last hour of a 3 hour rehearsal isn't bad enough, I realized that I actually don't know how to get there. I've never took this route before and I don't know where to get off the bus. I texted my director and told him that I could not possibly make it and that I'm very sorry. I got off the bus near a cafe where I met some people from school who's on dates. She invited me to stay with them (triple dates), but I just felt awkward, so I said I had to go. I saw a movie theater near by and was gonna watch a movie by myself, but all the movies were in an hour and I just didn't want to wait, so I decided to head home.

          I wasn't in a good mood at all, but I actually quite enjoyed my time alone on the roads. I had my headphones on and I just looked at the street lights, counting my steps, enjoying my time with myself. Maybe being alone isn't that bad after all. I now even want to plan a night to actually go see a movie myself. I may enjoy it more than I think.

          For the first time, I actually feel nice to be in public alone. I've never felt comfortable being alone in restaurants, movie theaters...etc. But now suddenly, things are different. I think this is good, I like it. I like the time I have myself. I think, just maybe I think I might... 

          I might be finally falling in love... with myself.

A New Me

          My 2016 has been quite Fabulous so far, and I hope yours is the same as well.

          These few days of 2016 have been lovely, I'm slowly catching up to my school work, I'm currently very happy single, and I upgrading my closet entirely. Yes, people get on my nerves yet I think it's just exam month, or that I'm finally becoming more independent. I'm slowly enjoying time by myself and not as needy as I used to be I think. I'm not sure how long this all will last, so I will enjoy my happy times as much as I can before life turns into a crazy bitch again.

          I do think I'll create a YouTube channel, I will probably start after exams and I think it'll be fun. Yet if I feel like I can't keep up with both a blog and a YouTube channel, or if there's not enough audience for me to continue, I will stop eventually. It's something to try i think, to push myself out of my comfort zone. But I truly feel like if there's no audience for my work, there's no point keep on doing it. Like my Fashion blog I did, not so many people were interested, so I stopped. I was a little disappointed, yet this is the reality of media. But I will say, my channel will probably be so gay and fabulous it feels like I'm literally whipping you with a glittery unicorn butt-plug. Because there's no way for me to be entertaining without reinforcing my inner 'Leyonce'.

          Auditions for new shows are coming up, and I'm pretty excited. Though it's because I have high hopes of getting in, yet I wish I will deal with it nicely if I don't get in. It's always tough, yet again, that's the reality of this industry. I'm also quite stressed for exams, it's not easy, yet I have faith. I know I've got this, and I just need to make it through. Because my second semester, is like not even school. I know I will enjoy my every second of it. I will be studying Grade 11 major Visual Art, Photography, Grade 11 Fashion, and Psychology. I am so excited for Fashion and Psychology, like I can't even. I will kill it.

          I think I'm happy of where I am right now, no complaints. A boyfriend will still be nice though, I'm just glad I don't like anyone anymore. It just feels so good when you get over someone and you're not crazy emotional or obsessive anymore. Instead, you can finally focus on yourself more and figure out what makes you happy.

         For 2016, I will be a happier me. A New Me. 

A New Chapter

          Welcome to the Year 2016.

          So, my hair is now pink. I'm enjoying this new makeover and I'm surprisingly excited for the new year. I guess this is me, again walking into situations with high expectations and dreams. But, I think that's okay for now. Everything's fine, I'm finishing up my homework and getting ready for school to start again. And, I'm looking forward to the new shows I'm auditioning for in late January/early February. Maybe it's my new hair, or it's the new year, but I'm being pretty positive and I like it.

          I guess I needed this mood change after all. And, I'm ready to go back to school with all my new clothes and shoes. I will be more Fabulous than ever. I really do feel like it's a new chapter, and it's not about changing, it's about getting better. My story isn't restarting, it's moving on with a new twist. I am also ready to take on the exams and am so excited for the second semester, I will love my new courses and finally be able to relax a little. Some may say that I'm trying too hard to be positive, but I'm really not. I think I am getting better, for good.

          Also, I've been thinking about starting a YouTube channel for the longest time now. I don't know if I'll actually get into it, because I hate my voice and  how I look sometimes. I generally don't like being video taped at all. Yet, many have told me that people would really rather watch videos than read through Blogs like this. So, I'll consider it, but even if I do get into YouTube, I'll still keep blogging. It'll be different, my videos will be more for entertainment and like sharing my Fashion stuff..etc. I don't know, I'm still on the fence here, and I would really hope that people are interested !

          Whatever comes in our way in 2016, we will be strong and fabulous, together.

          Thank You all so much to those of you,

who have been reading and supporting me for the past year. 

          

Love, xoxo.

Editor: K.L.S