So lately, I've been in a pretty bad mood for about three weeks now. I'm still not sure about the cause of this, but I've got a general idea. I mostly tell people that it's the stress of exam month, but I don't think it's all that simple.
I've changed. I think I've mentioned before that I'm slowly becoming more realistic, which is leading to me becoming more negative now I think. I'm starting to see the things I dislike in people and I'm revealing the things that have always bothered me that I've never allowed myself to express before. I've been an total asshole to my close friends lately. Since I'm just becoming more realistic and bitchy, not mean, I don't do anything differently to most people I know. Yet it's still not really fair for my friends, they certainly don't deserve this. And I need to stop. Like real soon, before this gets out of hand.
Being in a Women's Literature course has made me learn a lot of about Feminism and the Inequality in the world not only between the sexes, but also still in the global LGBTQA+ community. I've learned about the rape culture, the history of the oppression of females and I, myself am trying to become more political correct and aware by looking into the news and politics more. I've been also trying to make myself more logical and intellectual, trying to solve everything psychologically and also looking into philosophy more than I used to. I couldn't help but to think that I'm getting into things mentally I can't handle. I'm not used to seeing the worst of humanity and analyzing the flaws of human nature. So I turn into a negative and aggressive person. I used to be not judgmental at all, or the least that I can be. I used to believe that I have absolutely no place in this world to judge someone because I'm not them and I would never want anyone to feel judged by me. I wanted to be as loving, open, and caring as I could be. And now, I feel like a monster. The amount of logic feels almost inhumane to me.
And now I realize that all this time I thought I was learning to love myself more, I was actually just transferring my self-hate into the world around me. Using logic and philosophy, I was somehow able to turn the judgement and hate that I was having towards myself around. It's not only making me judgmental, but also more focused on the world's flaws, not mine. Yet being logically to almost everything of the world around me, I have outbursts where I have irrational bitch fits daily. Now, I'm calling an end to this. Many say that once you look in philosophy, you can never turn back. But, I'm turning back. Honestly, I rather hate myself than to hate the world. I know sometimes the world should be hated, especially when we hear things like :"Rape culture isn't a thing.", "We don't need Feminism." and news like: "... lesbian raped and killed.", "... discussing to pass law where transgenders will be charged for using the wrong bathroom.", and "... Muslim man accused of being a terrorist.", but I want to be happy. So before that I'm more mature to accept the world's flaws, I will continue to be a hopeless dreamer and optimist.
I'll need this weekend to turn my head around and to love the world again. I honestly just want to meditate in a forest, but I have homework and it's exam month. But trust me, the happy romantic optimist Leon is coming back real soon ! (I swear if that means I'll no longer be a happy single teen, I'll really sad. I've enjoyed my nights alone watching Netflix and making myself laugh.)
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