Le Sexe Oral

          Last week, we had a long weekend and my family and I went on a road trip to Ottawa and Montreal. And for those who don't know, I'm on Grindr. Grindr is like "Gay Tinder", but it's really just open for all queer people with penises. As a Transgender female, there are Straight men, Bisexual men, and Pansexual men on this app who would be interested in me and still respect me as a woman. So... I was alone in a Starbucks in downtown Montreal on the last night of my trip, and I met up with a guy who messaged me on Grindr. He was the only man that messaged me that weekend who could actually carry a normal conversation, who didn't greet me with a dick pic, and didn't ask for nudes. Obviously though, it's meant to be a hookup app, so after we met up and hung out, I sucked his cock. So that's it, my first oral sex experience, just like that. It was also my first Grindr meetup, turns out it's his as well.

          It was fabulous, more salty and warm than I expected. He said that I did amazing for my first time, so good that he didn't believe it was my first. His legs were tingling for awhile afterwards lol. I think it's because I have a penis, so I feel like I would know how to please one better. Anyway, it just happened, like that. I'm happy it happened and he was a great guy, polite, respectful, and consensual. Now I've been on Grindr for almost a month now, but I've yet to actually hookup, the truth is, I'm scared. I'm afraid not only because I'm not experienced, but because I know that I'm very emotional and romantic. Am I really able to experience sex without any attachments ? What if I start having feelings with someone who clearly just want a hookup ? It feels like I can only choose between sex and romance, even though I know that's not true. I've been a hopeless romantic for my whole life now, having crushes and looking for a relationship, am I really able to abandon that need to just experience sex as it is ? I feel like no matter how much I hide it, I'll always end up wanting something more, something most people aren't looking for on Grindr.

          I feel more confident and relieved about my sexual identity, and I am happy that I had such experience. Yet again, I know I want something more, something better. People say that sex isn't a big deal, and I know that our society has romanticized the concept of "virginity" to the point where it's harmful, causing slut shaming...etc. Well, it happened. Am I going to stay on the app, I think so, but I will ask for more, maybe a date before I suck another dick ? Or if I really just need a relief from my teenage horniness, I know that a hookup is always possible. *Wink*

          P.S. Stay Safe, Have Fun, and Be Respectful !

          Consent isn't Sexy, it's a Basic Fundamental Virtue. 

Distant Lights

          My father came to visit for about two weeks, I felt nothing. I struggled internally, feeling guilty that I no longer needed him. I didn't even flinch when he called me a "boy", I've given up. It's sad, and I shouldn't be this way but I am. He may never understand, and we will never be what we wish we are. We will never be have a bounding father and child relationship, we barely have any connection. And, I seem to have accepted it. Unfortunately...

          I wanted to stay home on Sunday night, and I said my goodbyes to him. My mom and brother left with him, driving him to the airport. Finally, I had the house to myself. I went out to get myself dinner, and as I walked, I stood on a hill and looked up to the sky. It was beautiful; the moon was shining brightly in an ugly flawed shape. The night sky was partly cloudy, with no stars in sight. Such extraordinary ugliness I thought, was what's so beautiful. I stared ahead to the horizon, and a sudden flashback hit me. The distant streetlights, the dimming colourful lights from the houses far away, have reminded me of myself, in Taiwan. I was young, about five, and I remembered how I would love to just stare out the window, to the distant lights. It was peace, that's it. It's finding peace within the hopelessness and the loneliness that I feel. And I couldn't help but wonder: Am I starting to move on ? If not, will I ever ?

          One has said that our friendship has always been toxic, that she had always been manipulating me. One has said that there always seemed to be something weird about our bound. They all have said that we don't know each other as well as we think we do. One has even said that you're already moving on... I'm not sure what's true and what's false. Yet what one has said, really spoke to me, she said that the reason we crumbled, was because of the pressure. The expectations and the pressure that the world had on us both, crushed the bound we had between us. It's none of our faults, because we found each other for a reason. I don't want to move on, but if you have, then what's the point of holding on ? Yet I will hold on, because I'm me. And I know you, that once you're done, you're done. You're like the distant lights under the dark sky, you bring peace to my hopeless and lonely world.

          It's the beginning of second semester, and it's been a little bit more than three weeks now on my anti-depressants. It has been awesome, my mood is stable, I have not had any constant suicidal thoughts, and my anxiety is under control. And the best part is, it helps with my insomnia. So with better sleep, I feel much better. Of course, there's side effects, and I can't take pain killers anymore, which sucks. But I'll survive. I'm excited for this new semester, I'm finally starting dance ! I'm so happy, yet lonely too. You know, it's weird when you're happy and not have anyone to share it with, not that there's no one to care, but no one needs you anymore. I don't have anyone to share my happiness with. So it's a little weird. I don't want to move on, and I don't want to start over. Yet reality is, life goes on. Sometimes things have to happen whether I want it to or not...

          Happy Second Semester !!!