City Blues: Melancholy

CW/TW: mentions of death, grief, trauma, homelessness,

mental health, sexual violence, suicidal ideations...

"Later that night, I held an atlas on my lap,

ran my fingers across the whole world, 

and whispered, 'where does it hurt ?'

It answered: everywhere

everywhere,

everywhere..."

- Warsan Shire

          I can't stop crying, anywhere and everywhere in the city - whether in an empty room waiting to be furnished despite/among economic uncertainties, or while walking to the harbour waterfront in socio-political anxieties: she is wilting but still waiting and meditating on love. Downtown Tkaronto reminds me of growing up in Taipei with all walks of life on the streets and traffic sounds all night-long. It reminds me of back when I was dreaming of New York City too, of how I envisioned a femme searching for love and herself among skyscrapers/city greens always in style... However, the city can still be cold and lonely in such warming Spring, especially with me growing into more a community server and observer against capitalism instead of an advocate/lover for a comfortable city/urban life... I see neighbours wrapping barbwires around trees - drawing lines of difference and constructing barriers of defence in our own backyards, thus I pray for what suffering must the trees feel and endure because of our egotistic needs/desires ? I ordered a new bed because I don't know how to stop crying on a mattress that I've been ra*ed on. I have become so tired, even in my sleeps - I feel as if I have forgotten how to dream... I called my mother crying after midnight apologizing for moving away, asking if I deserve and if my body is worth buying a queen-sized bed... I don't know how to function or keep up with violence, the world is burning/fighting and yet people are still walking animals past humans sleeping on benches. I feel and become exhaustion: I scroll/type on screens for scattering heartbeats; I hold onto my device tight as if its my last breath to post, to share, to repost, to donate, to check-in, to rant, to cry, to rot, and to numb... I scroll past hours and days, triggers and needs for a break, a meal, and/or even a breath.

"Take Care & Take Rest, as

The Revolution needs you after to

Rebuild the world..."

- @theoriginaldijah

          Looking back, my mother had always held her children while running towards the unknown for safety and peace - from capitals of Taiwan/Singapore/Malaysia then to the rural suburbs of white silence in 'Canada'. Yet maybe its also why I feel that I must come back to the collective pains for salvation - thus challenging the comforts of avoidance while constantly confronting settler-colonial privileges. This is not just about knowing people in situations anymore, it's about living among situations and witnessing suffering daily: rotting from the inside out eating meals only after seeing someone go through garbages for food... I wonder of when/how we humans had become so trashy while claiming to have class and with righteousness slowly digesting inside - eating each other's empathy as feasts like the lands we looted. It has taken me weeks of solitude with my impostorism to understand again the magic/pains of surviving through the in-betweens... I remember last summer when I was concerned with unemployment and unstable housing thus a sex worker then a survivor from encountering ra*e and assaults. I remember how it was other sex workers who have fed me, how it was other queer/trans femmes of colour who have supported me with funds and support. I remember how it was black women/femmes who taught me resistance and it was two-spirit/queer/trans indigenous folks who have taught me resilience and joy. I would not have known care and love as a storyteller and as an immigrant trans woman/femme without the communities still constantly hurting but giving... Thus now I continue listening from the back rows while supporting the front-lines during these difficult times demanding for social justice. Now that we know better, we must do/be better. Though this is what many of us have been preparing, studying, waiting for. It is an important note for all allies to know that no matter the contexts: we are guests upon arrival while our hosts are already tired.

          Moving into downtown and (trying to) moving on from a heartbreak - I am becoming tired of crying to sleep in melancholia only to wake from an ambulance praying/mourning myself back to sleep. I am exhausted of witnessing constant police patrol and officers harassing folks experiencing substance-withdraw or homelessness. It worries me to hear sirens and it angers me to see cop cars; I feel sick watching a "Queer-Eye" makeover episode for a person experiencing homelessness while knowing/seeing too many experiencing unstable housing on a daily. I'm tired of balancing in-between lines/circles/experiences of contrasting politics and priorities... I don't know how to feel while witnessing and accessing both lifestyles of privilege and survivals of marginalization. I am angry that I have "educated" peers who would tell me to report to the police after I've been ra*ed and asked what to do if their cars get stolen when we advocate for defunding the police/military. I am upset that many people can still wake up oblivious and go out with full safety/access; I am disappointed that most still search for comfort and individualistic joys with such ignorance as bliss, while others are at the front-lines and us as allies supporting and also reflecting on how we can/must do better... Yet the burdens of educating our (privileged) peers and deepening one's actioning allyship is no labours of those already fighting but ours still listening. And the most uncomfortable conversations just may be the ones in our classrooms, friend/peer-groups, families within homes and other private spheres of traditions. Though we should also be mindful of our capacities, triggers, and possibilities of facing violence while being marginalized allies as well... My mental health capacities have been at a new low and I am really trying to cope/survive with the suicidal ideations, internal doubts of worth, and self-harming/destructive tendencies, especially during these times of extra uncertainties. I feel both hopeful and hopeless, as Turtle Island (North America) may not afford a revolution with such majorities of white middle-class, but then isn't it the time to reimagine freedoms and elevating/expanding notions of organizing ? Through my weeks of internal spiral and patterned explorations on humanity and justice, I always come back to the poetics/politics of death, thus I know the answer has to be love... As it is empathy that will lead us to the light, no matter how hard the fight; and it is only through love that we bring light into life.

"... I have died so many times

So when I told you that loving you almost makes life worth it I was not joking. 

When I tell you that loving you almost makes me forget 

how much I hate myself, It is not poetry. 

Loving you is taking all of the love I could never give myself and putting it to good use. 

It is reminding myself that if someone can love a dying thing this way, 

can hold the Lazarus of my body and give thanks for the way it holds back -

if someone can kiss the scars administer the pills absorb the bad days and 

wake up smiling next to me, then I can try to breathe again...

Because self-love does not always come first. Or second. Or even ever. 

But your love be the guardrail on the edge 

be the drawers that hide all the sharp things 

be the body that carries my collapsed frame into bed 

be the flowers you bought; because even though 

they are dying too they still dance...

Love will not heal me, will not wipe my slate of my body clean - 

I will always be a woman of wounds of rope-mark neck and melted skin. 

Love will not heal me; but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself and 

maybe teach me a joke that I can stay alive long enough to laugh at...

I love you,

enough to want to 

love myself too..."

- Nayo Jones: Healing

Community Resources/Actions/Reflections:

2020 Toronto Police Budget - Call For Action/Defunding Template

Justice for Regis: NOT ANOTHER BLACK LIFE

The answer to police violence is not 'reform'. It's defunding.

What public health experts want critics to know about why they support the protests

Journalist and writer Desmond Cole calls for Toronto Police Service to be defunded

So after we abolish prisons and policing...then what?: A Black Feminist Dialogue

Indigenous Youth Outreach

A Fund for Black-led Mental Health Supports

Men Who Love & Kill

(by Warsan Shire)

CW/TW: poetics/politics of death, murder, transphobia, sexual violence,

mentions of anti-black violence and police brutality...

          How is that love becomes one's drive/force to kill ? Perhaps because fear is part of love too, as "our men do not belong to us... Then the men we try to love, say we carry too much loss, wear too much black, are too heavy to be around, much too sad to love. Then they leave and we mourn them too. Is that what we’re here for? To sit at kitchen tables, counting on our fingers the ones who died, those who left and the others who were taken by the police, or by drugs, or by illness or by other women. It makes no sense. Look at your skin, her mouth, these lips, those eyes, my God, listen to that laugh. The only darkness we should allow into our lives is the night, and even then, we have the moon..." (Warsan Shire).

          I don't know how many little naps I've had to take to escape reality in the past few days. The amount of media witnessing/documenting/visualizing continuous trans deaths, anti-black murders, and cases of police brutalities, informations carrying the heaviness of such patterning melancholy, grief, and rage. Social media then becomes a violent daily reminder for the uncertainties of marginalized lives as well as the systems of marginalized deaths, even among uncertainties of global health... I started writing this piece to heal through understanding the pains/intersections of trans and femme violence/deaths, and how femininities have been raised/taught to love/protect masculinities that often hurt us. The relations between violence, cis-masculinity, and trans-femininity has been of betrayal for the notions that we as penis/ego-holders choosing paths of softness instead... Yet it is through grace and studying violence for freedom, that I know we must continue to challenge masculinities while embracing/caring for men and folks with identities that are masculine-centered. Especially through the years of witnessing both cis and trans men (re/un)learning toxic/hyper-masculinities, often which is even more challenge/of survival burdens for racialized/migrant men... It's been a critique brewing within, as even though I joke about loving men/masculinity as an unfortunate event from the experiences of ra*e and violence, the studies/advocacy of feminist movements have often left out the work of healing collectively across genders thus the rehabilitations of toxic/hyper-masculinities. We must learn from the legacies of native/black feminism as #BlackLivesMatter too is a social movement with many feminine organizers as main leaderships, often advocating for masculine narratives of experiencing violence (centered in mass media). It brings the attention to the silence surrounding deaths of black/indigenous women/femmes as well...

          As a non-black individual: the pains of anti-black violence is not mine, even though I have felt by witnessing/living/understanding the world around me, the violences against people I love, and the police harassments and physical/sexual assaults from positionalities of being trans, racialized, feminine, a sex worker from past survival circumstances... My sympathy falls on the spectrum of colonial-constructions for racialization and colourist violence, and I (re/un)learn my allyhood daily by reminding myself that I will never be able empathize without references to other intersecting measures of experiencing violences nor will I ever be able to understand/feel the mourning of black families/friends/loved ones. Thus as much as pain allows us to unite narratives through support and solidarity, I believe in the compassionate politics of (re/un)learning absence as an ally: not absence as ignorance/denial/inaction, but absence as in knowing when to shut up or leave, to not take up space when you're only a guest to this narrative of feeling/learning. It is understanding that even with a common enemy, that support is also by simply offering space to grief/heal, even if it's in private/silence... Thus again from legacies of how "in the Black Panthers’ paper Huey Newton (August 1970) wrote 'A letter to the Revolutionary Brothers and Sisters about Women’s Liberation and Gay Liberation' arguing that they were fellow revolutionary movements and pledging the Panthers to support gay liberation": It is the responsibilities of allyhood to demand for justice, to support and show up in solidarity along front-line activists as well as healers.

"The future belongs to those who prepare for it today." - Malcolm X (1962)

          I think over the years of surviving/studying violence as well as loving masculinities that I become a (re)searcher/fighter for softness. And I believe that in order to achieve true gender liberation/peace/equity, we must work with masculinities through compassionate/empathy politics, collective (re)learning of emotional intelligence and notions of strength, as well as allowing masculinities to rehabilitate in their own organicalities (as I am only a feminine essence even if educational to toxic/hyper-masculinities)... Like the ways trans/awakening women/femmes rebirth femininities: it is for masculine-centered folks to finalize/actualize their glories in softness as well. Thus how I observe/study my navigation/survival with men/masculinities too, in many ways I find hyper-masculine men/masculinities to yearn for a safe space to embrace/express softness, as they are surviving through the violence of patriarchy too, especially racialized men under colonial-white-supremacy. My experiences with cis-white men have been mostly cases of asian/trans-fetishizing chasers and creepy old men who wants a young toy to keep, or an insecure man wanting a girl that's "different" for something "new". I found that many cis-white men (I've encountered with) feel comfortable and validated (or on the toxic ends of the spectrum: entitled) with their yearn for care and acceptance of difference, though often socialized as the "nice guys", I still find traces of manipulation or denials of privilege/entitlement in the courtships that are never in my best interests... The loving/killing/lusting of intersex/trans/non-binary folks is not generally a racial issue but one gendered, often concerning the violences of cis/toxic/hyper-masculinity. Yet the racialization of masculinities and the layers of violence as survival makes it much of a racial issue too while we think for the queer/2-Spirit/trans Black/Indigenous folks, who have always been at the forefronts of community advocacy no matter if feminine/masculine-centered, polygendered, genderly-fluid, or communicated/expressed to be agendered... I humbly navigate through layers of socio-political violences to understand pain and melancholia, hoping to (re/un)learn grief for healing and to contribute softness as an ally/friend, a flower/lover, and/or a sister/mother/daughter.

          As grief starts the journey of healing: the first lesson to freedom. In "Black Queer Studies, Freedom, and Other Human Possibilities" with reference to Marlon Rigg’s works: “His homopoetics is importantly a different embodiment, one that speaks its pain as potential freedom. In that moment, Riggs highlights how our lives can make no sense outside of his coming death, the collective deaths of Riggs, Joe Beam, Hemphill, and especially Audre Lorde—the foundations of a black queer studies—demand to think desire and politics in the present as a way of making reparation with ‘our dead behind us.’ Such reparation allows for a life that can be lived with a freedom not yet felt, but one genuinely yearned for. Freedom as a way toward new ways of being human in the present, ways of being human in which black life preceded black death and is continually fashioned by death even before its birth—our embodiment takes place in the context of reckoning with life-death-world experience” (Walcott 2013)...

          And after recent viral cases of black/trans murders in the Americas with public medias advocating justices for Tony Mcdade, Regis Korchiniski, George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and Nina Pop... Not to mention trans latina/xs' survival as Layla Peláez and Serena Angelique Velázquez murdered in Puerto Rico, and Jesusa known locally as Chucha found recently beheaded in Mexico, as well as the other continuing deaths globally/transnationally - no matter documented/visible/recognized or not. I can only write of grief now after reflecting on freedom, and as Judith Butler reminds us: "All these lost lives are grievable, which means that they are lives worthy of acknowledgment, equal in value to every other life, a value that cannot be calculated" (2020)... Often times I see trans-feminine faces online with a sense of familiarity, they become my sisters, maybe from the relations of survival or maybe just my brain playing tricks after seeing reposts after reposts, yet thus I understand/feel better/deeper of the notions and discourses described in "Black Queer Studies, Freedom, and Other Human Possibilities". As a trans woman of colour with our global life-expectancy of 35 years old, it becomes more than poetry reading the words “our dead behind us” while feeling/carrying the weight of my mothers/sisters/femmes/siblings; from the missing and murdered Indigenous folks, the violence against our brothers, to the often trafficked and sexually abused racialized intersex/trans sex workers - I grief in melancholia with a collective promise in solidarity: navigating/fighting/learning/teaching for those alongisde/after us... However, its still important to respect/honour difference even when bridging identities/experiences and aligning politics in the name of intersectionality/unity; my community-understandings/actions in solidarity must emerge from the reflections/critiques against the violence/solitude of embodying settler-colonialism. And though understanding such intersections of violence through empathizing experiences of commonality, it is to note of trans-misogynoir as black trans women/femme are still the most targeted as subjects of murder/homicide while native/black cis/trans-men continue to die from police brutalities and state violences...

          So healing through love: How do we begin ? Other than the continuing lessons of allyhood and actionable solidarity, I pray we rest, especially in ever so softness for the black folks retraumatized. With a softer essence as a fighter for love, it is only in love's full glory that we demand for justice, even if it means no peace... Resonating with Murther Luther King Junior's reminder of how "a riot is the language of the unheard" (1965), it is importantly necessary to recognize/embrace the heavy histories and emotions in the awakening from painful losses. May we find healing slowly, gently, and gloriously through support/solidarity, while our community front-liners and allies demand for and organize towards justice fiercely... Sending love and light to all especially those often caring for others - the activists/organizers/healers/care-takers/lovers during this time.

Community Resources/Actions:
Anti-Racism Resources
MINNESOTA FREEDOM FUND
Justice For Regis
Justice For Tony McDade

My First Man/Love/Relationship

("For Women Who Are 'Difficult' to Love" by Warsan Shire)

          I hesitate with the idea of having someone close and intimate. I'm scared to rot comfortably in someone's comforts, to make a home out of human desperate for care... Yet it really comes when you least expect it: the pains of loving and the pains of loneliness meet me here at the intersections of both memories and imagination. I am thankful, for those who have helped given me lessons/stories of love in my life, even if it is through crying then understanding... I'm also humbled by loving/being loved, as I will always have more to give from within for those too concerned/occupied with survival to fill in substance, to love/be loved fully. And yet I still apologize for my trial-and-error in loving myself deeper thus caring for others better, as I shall then continue to (re/un)learn through loving beyond.

Me: "... but you're not a criminal."

Him: "baby... I'm a Black man in America"

          I remember our first night together last August: cuddling/sleeping naked, kissing and sharing stories of our past, holding each other tighter... No sex, even though he had already made me feel so safe in his arms, he knew of a soft night was what I needed. It was just weeks after I was ra*ed, and it wasn't the first time encountering a man of complicated pasts either. A rough intellect I would say, troubled with memories of societal neglect that still haunts him until today. And not the first time I have people who I care about having experiences of street violence, financial/housing instability, childhood traumas...etc but as lovers I felt like it began as trauma-bonding/trading/sharing, and I was scared of a toxic attachment... like between my parents.

          About 8 months of learning each other's touch: he shared knowledges of herbal/crystal meditation/healing, I shared poems and political imaginations, continuing conversations about both the intersections and differences of black/trans lives, and how our sexualities are impacted by society. I remember fighting into 3AM about the usage/violence of fetishization and porn productions, but I also remember him holding me doing breathing exercises at 5AM when I shook with flashbacks and panic attacks... He is older, his economic ambitions remind me of my father and his brothers, his aggression reminds me of men and men before but he is different: he is goofy/funny, always trying to make me smile, he's smart and secretly soft deep inside - only when no one else is around... I asked him often about me not feeling prioritized/cared-for and why he even loves me, he would asked me why I can't just be more patient and "chill". Women/femmes spend their lives waiting for loved ones, and maybe selfish but I can not wait for change nor peace, not here at "home". He overworks and hustles hard on wheels around the city, and though unrelated but I hate how he never uses a wallet so his things are just everywhere in his pockets/bag. I don't know why I encounter and entertain so many deliverymen, both of goods and drivers of people... It's a lot to unpack, and as a trans woman/femme of colour who have very limited subjects of interests/attraction after eliminating tranny-chasers of fetishization, old (and mostly white) sugar daddies, and "discreet" married men, I find myself left with also a margins of men and masculine folks of complex backgrounds/stories. I dislike patterns of heteronormativity in my connections of intimacy, and I really am open to more possibilities beyond cis-men, especially when trans-masculine folks are sexy in the city and some butch woman/femmes have gotten me more open minded about my own romantic attractions as well... Yet as long as I am with a cisgender man, there becomes layers of socialized-heteronormativity and internalized-homophobia to unpack (yes even with queer men too), especially in a positionality of a trans woman without bottom surgery and for if/when the connection ever becomes sexual (even though most are already lustful due to the fetishizing reality of transhood after colonialization, often even more desired without bottom surgery for the fantasy of a secret cock).

          I started to be aware of my connections/relationships/encounters with racialized cis-men and their stories/struggles, especially when I also push to have more personal/emotional conversations. Often I find cis-men to open up not only because I try my best to create a safe space but also because perhaps their time with a trans woman/femme becomes an escape from the burdens of cis-heteronormative hyper-masculinities, especially as racialized cis-men, migrants, as black men... Their stories struggling with masculinity is not mine to ever share or use as public analysis, but I dare to be truthful to the narratives I've encountered/involved with as so many trans mothers and sisters have been hurt/killed from just loving cis-men, waiting for masculinities to (re/un)learn and change. Maybe a selfish project of coping with past sexual violence, maybe desperate for stories/evidence of humanization/empathy or an allyship over sadness/loneliness/survival... I find my attraction towards trauma not a romantic issue with relational subjects while definitely involving and impacting intimate relationships, but as a toxicity deeply rooted in my survival methodologies navigating self-love and stupid poetic-hopeless-romantic self. Thus really, I thought I would not fall in love just yet... til I do, hard.

Him: "don't worry, I'm eating right now... consuming love from you."

          He supported me with herbs and groceries, and I would support him financially and with accessibility here and there also. The heaviness of such love made me grow cold, and I began to realize how loving/caring words and company won't feed a person or pay one's debt. Nor could any amount of reassurance can settle my mind when the people I care about are hungry/unsafe. I was exhausted/lonely for waiting: worried daily wondering if he's safe on the road, if he has eaten, and if he has slept enough, etc. Such relationship has confronted me with harsh truths of societal/economic as determination of priority... How can I love and convince a person to pause/breathe when capitalism chases them day and night ? What is my care and allowance of access worth to their survival and how can we do better, for each other and together ? Like the ways me and my sisters support each other, like the ways the community feeds me with both resources and teachings, and like the ways we can continue loving/caring for each other: I knew we had to become partners/allies/friends, anything but lovers...

"I know my love,

It's forgiving

It's gentle

It's long-suffering

It's tucking away my tears and listening to

your reasons for hurting me

It's piecing together your childhood trauma

and feeling sympathy for the darkness you still carry

My love will remove the light from my eyes

to find beauty in all your dark places 

My love is deep and beautiful and sacred...

But my love

My love no longer lives in the hands of those who abuse it

My love belongs to me."

- Aschel St Ville (@sabrinajpoetry)

          I realize now that I must not thank him for meeting after I was ra*ed but to thank myself... However, I do thank him for holding me holier and wiping my tears away, reminding me that while I am searching for softness in others, that softness is already in me too... My first relationship didn't have room for romance, no time to pause, always on the go, and maybe selfishly I wanted superficiality like dates of youth simple pleasures. Somewhere on the dance floor of marginalization we found each other, holding onto one another in times of need but isn't love more than survival ? Yet in explaining my decision to break-up in the simplest way is the struggle between attraction and compatibility. Especially when he's a virgo too... where he is growing a mountain and I'm planting a garden, thus friendship/partnership is what I've proposed. He is wiser and much more understanding, it has been hard to move on from my feelings for him while still keeping in touch and caring closely. I can't help but wonder if it's because he needs my resources too, yet it's unfair that I often in analysis question my attraction to him as care after violent circumstances, and his attraction to me as accessibility... The emotions of/from such connection have been strong but unstable, and I am still learning to process/cope without turning too cold/analytical/cynical.

Him: "babe I'm a dreamer not a thief."

I know baby, I know...

          He has always been a dreamer for freedom as I am for love. I will miss us sharing lessons of life/culture/history with each other through intimacy, yet someday maybe again, when we're better and more stable. I will always remember and miss waking up to him smoking a joint and holding me close, him making jerk-chicken quesadillas for brunch, and him gone to the store for juice. He is the first man who has taught me of truly loving/being loved, and he was open to change/grew/blossomed so much along the way as well... I know we will continue supporting each other and navigate our feelings and circumstances, but I know I need a break from romantic intimacy and committed relationships for now. It breaks my heart but he also said that one day I'm going to find someone "softer, more relaxed, and not pressured from goals like an animal"... We didn't go to the mall nor markets/festivals because crowds and families could be triggers; we didn't do valentine's day because he wanted/needed to work. Yet I was understanding while constantly checking my privileges as well; I have nothing but gratitude as we did make it our little universe even just spending time inside smoking and ordering in take-out (with only occasional trips to nature). We were my first love story and I will always treasure the memories of us as lovers while imagining/practicing for love/care beyond...

My first love story: where

A flower sends her kisses to

A mountain with petals in the wind,

And the mountain embracing her 

with dancing leaves flowing from streams

...

It ends beyond attraction and compatibility

in support and solidarity:

We become family,

We build community,

We (re/un)learn to love better -

A breakup or wakeup, for

An ending is but another start

...

We wake up today and tomorrow:

Loving ever so softer, for

Those after us and to the world/beyond

My Virginity... ?

Content Warning: Sexual Explicit Language

          I'm just a Sexually-Liberated Woman with a Dick having a dilemma...

          So remember that I shared with y'all on how I sucked my first cock when I was in Montreal, Quebec for a family weekend using Grindr ? Well, update: I'm no longer on Grindr, but I am on OkCupid and Tinder. Now, I did meet up with several guys in the past few months and have had my first kiss as well ! I love a good make-out session, one of my favourites on the menu ! And listen to this, I did let a guy try to put the tip of his penis in my butt while we were hanging out/hooking up at his place, but it didn't go anywhere. He didn't have actual lube and I was too anxious. It hurts like a motherfu*ker !!! Y'all, anal sex is no joke. Not only do I need to prepare myself physically, but also mentally and emotionally as well. So yeah don't worry, I'm still a "virgin" ! I have not yet had full-on penetrative sex y'all, calm down. Though let's be honest here, I'll probably lose my "virginity" this summer before going to university.

          A part of me is resisting because as some of you may know, I'm actually a hopeless romantic ! I love romance, I love kisses, cuddles, and all the cutesy little things, but I've also kind of given up... See, I was even gonna wait to have my first kiss with someone who'll make it all special and "life-changing". But now I feel like I might even lose my "virginity" to a hookup ?! It feels wrong but also... "virginity" isn't a real physical thing, it's a social construct. And I'm a horny sexually-liberated girl who just need some dicks ! Seriously, it's an honest struggle for me... And as sexually-driven and liberated I feel, there's still gonna be a part of me that's a little disappointed with myself for giving up on romance, on "love" if we're dissecting it into a battle between "love" and "lust".

          I don't want to give up, I want to believe that I deserve romance, cute dates, kisses and cuddles...etc. It's just difficult being in a small town with boys and men not seeing me as a "real woman", treating transgender girls as a kinky fetish, that somehow we're not "dateable" just because we're not cisgender. I would talk to guys who's all romantic and flirty, asking me out on dates, but the second he learns that I'm transgender, now I'm just "cute enough" to "chill with"... It's so difficult to realize that I deserve more when all the attention I've been given is purely lustful and sexual, sometimes even in degrading ways. Maybe I'm just not pretty enough to date ? Is it because I'm plus-sized ? No, No, Nooo ! I will no longer allow my mistreatments to determine my self-worth. I shall remind myself that I deserve love, I deserve positive attention, that I, as a fat Transgender Woman of Colour deserve Romance !!!

          Also, the fact that even if I am sexually-liberated, the society and the system that we live under is not gonna let me have control or be as powerful as men. I will need to empower myself and know what I want, then fight for it. #Resist !

Why I Hate Men.

Trigger Warning: Transphobia & Violence Against Trans Women.

          Why do I hate men ? Well... I don't, but I do.

          I don't "hate" men, I think the right word should be "fear". Yet when we fear something, we tend to showcase actions that can be linked to hatred. And I don't really "fear" men either, what I really fear is... masculinity. Why ? Well because in our society, masculinity can very easily become toxic, fragile, and egotistical. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I was bullied. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I was assaulted. Because of men in the name of masculinity, I am still not seen as a real woman. It is because of this toxic masculinity, that I'm consistently shamed for accepting, embracing, and expressing the femininity within me. Do note that I am not the only victim here, men are also being pressured and influenced negatively because of this. Yet often, it seems like men think that I've betrayed them or that I'm "the enemy", because of the fact that I was born with a penis but I still am embracing my womanhood with such pride.

          Yet it's not just about them, it's about me too. Because of my experiences with men in the past, I am always putting up a front of defensive mechanisms to protect myself. It's difficult for me to trust men, to allow my vulnerability to show. I sometimes rather to be seen as a bitch then to let them know about my traumas and pains. I know that it's not healthy and that I've got so much of issues myself that I can't blame just men in general for them not knowing how to approach or befriend me. But trust me, I'm working on it...

          My Father, was an alcoholic, he used alcohol to let out his demons, his anger, his disappointments. He is now afraid to visit us, out of guilt...
          My Brother, learning from my Father, is still learning how to control his anger. He is still recovering from the destruction that he has caused within himself. Yet just not that long ago, I was the victim of his violence and abuse...
          My Bullies, they still haunt me til this day, they are the voices inside me, convincing myself that I'll never be worthy enough to be loved...
          My Crushes, are boys who may never see me as a woman, but a friend-accessory of girls they'll like to kiss, date, and fuck. They have me question myself every night, ain't I a woman enough ?! Why am I not enough to be loved, by them ?

          I still have yet to receive respect from most of my male peers. None of them has ever acknowledged my struggles, and my fight against the oppression my community faces. I don't want to be respected as an authority, nor do I consider myself an "inspiration" for being an Activist. The respect I seek, is of a fellow human being who's surviving and trying their best to thrive. The respect I desperately crave for, is to actually make me feel like something, someone... worthy. Maybe, it's just me, because why should they care ? Why should they respect me ? They think that I've done nothing for them. Yet, does anyone know how it feels when boys only acknowledge my existence when I'm standing beside a Cisgender woman ? I see boys who will say hi and be friendly with almost everybody, calling other boys "bros", and try to flirt with the other Cisgender girls. Yet I am alienated, because of my lack of masculinity, and my lack of "female sexuality".

          What people don't understand, is the difficulty for trans women to feel comfortable and safe around men. It is not just me, because it happens to other trans women as well. We have been bullied, assaulted, and harassed for such a long time, just because we've gained courage to finally reject the masculinity we've been assigned to accept. Trans women have been getting sexually assaulted and murdered every year by mostly men. (In 2015, out of all the murders of Trans women, only one killer was a female.) Men fear us. They fear me, as I poke through their lies, their "charms", their privileges, revealing their insecurities and fragility. I may be a woman, but I am loud, strong, and powerful. I call them out when they make mistakes. I let them know when they're wrong, and I'm not afraid to call out big topics like Racism, Homophobia, Transphobia, Ableism...etc. I've had to witness countless men being "offended" when they get called out, getting defensive, calling me a bitch...etc.

"Trans women have relinquished masculinity, showing that it can be, and that is, very threatening to a man who wants to see his power as an intrinsic feature of who he is."

- Judith Bitler

          Yet as a Feminist and an Advocate, this may be the price that I'll have to pay. Maybe I'll just need to accept that I won't be liked as much, that I'll be labeled as a "Bitch", that I'll be hated and disliked by many men, even when I fear them myself. All I'm asking for is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T !!!

(Reading for You if You wanna furthermore look into the Social Issue !)
Why Do Men Kill Trans Women? Gender Theorist Judith Butler Explains
Masculinity is Killing Trans Women
Why Are So Many Trans Women of Color Murdered Every Year?
Why I'm Afraid to Look at Men

Le Sexe Oral

          Last week, we had a long weekend and my family and I went on a road trip to Ottawa and Montreal. And for those who don't know, I'm on Grindr. Grindr is like "Gay Tinder", but it's really just open for all queer people with penises. As a Transgender female, there are Straight men, Bisexual men, and Pansexual men on this app who would be interested in me and still respect me as a woman. So... I was alone in a Starbucks in downtown Montreal on the last night of my trip, and I met up with a guy who messaged me on Grindr. He was the only man that messaged me that weekend who could actually carry a normal conversation, who didn't greet me with a dick pic, and didn't ask for nudes. Obviously though, it's meant to be a hookup app, so after we met up and hung out, I sucked his cock. So that's it, my first oral sex experience, just like that. It was also my first Grindr meetup, turns out it's his as well.

          It was fabulous, more salty and warm than I expected. He said that I did amazing for my first time, so good that he didn't believe it was my first. His legs were tingling for awhile afterwards lol. I think it's because I have a penis, so I feel like I would know how to please one better. Anyway, it just happened, like that. I'm happy it happened and he was a great guy, polite, respectful, and consensual. Now I've been on Grindr for almost a month now, but I've yet to actually hookup, the truth is, I'm scared. I'm afraid not only because I'm not experienced, but because I know that I'm very emotional and romantic. Am I really able to experience sex without any attachments ? What if I start having feelings with someone who clearly just want a hookup ? It feels like I can only choose between sex and romance, even though I know that's not true. I've been a hopeless romantic for my whole life now, having crushes and looking for a relationship, am I really able to abandon that need to just experience sex as it is ? I feel like no matter how much I hide it, I'll always end up wanting something more, something most people aren't looking for on Grindr.

          I feel more confident and relieved about my sexual identity, and I am happy that I had such experience. Yet again, I know I want something more, something better. People say that sex isn't a big deal, and I know that our society has romanticized the concept of "virginity" to the point where it's harmful, causing slut shaming...etc. Well, it happened. Am I going to stay on the app, I think so, but I will ask for more, maybe a date before I suck another dick ? Or if I really just need a relief from my teenage horniness, I know that a hookup is always possible. *Wink*

          P.S. Stay Safe, Have Fun, and Be Respectful !

          Consent isn't Sexy, it's a Basic Fundamental Virtue. 

Does Liking Anal Sex Make You Gay ?

Dear Straight Cis-Gendered Men,

Have you ever asked or wondered if liking Anal Sex or Anal Play make you Gay ?

Well, the Answer is Yes.

The Answer is as Yes as if Masturbating makes your Dicks fall off.

Honey, OF COURSE NOT !

          Though as random and humorous this question can sound, it's true. A lot of men have wondered this, so let's talk about it. I think that this question is really about two things: the idea of being pleasured or even penetrated from behind is somehow demasculinizing, and relations between sex and sexual orientation.

          A lot of men may feel that if they like "it up/in the butt", somehow they're not as masculine anymore, making them "Gay". The thing is know is that the way we use the word "Gay" here is an insult, a harmful stereotype saying that homosexual men are less "manly", always more feminine. Yet no, we have to stop thinking that way, letting internalized homophobia gets in the way of logic. Those who are born with the XY chromosome, therefore in most cases, owning a penis, have a G-spot, the same way as others have it in their vaginas. So Cis-Males, it's okay to enjoy some anal actions during sex, you have a G-spot there, it's completely natural ! Let it not be a guilty pleasure, be free, and embrace your sexuality.

          Now, we should talk about: Sex v.s. Sexual Orientation. What if a Straight Cis-Gendered Male likes anal sex with other men ? Does that make him gay ? No, not if he identifies as one. Here's the thing, I feel like we have labeled sex, gay-sex, lesbian-sex...etc. It can be just sex ! I mean, if a man really likes anal sex, and that he's tired of a woman wearing a strap-on dick or using a dildo himself, maybe he'll want to have sex with another man, who knows ? I mean, there are anal-sex porn actors who are straight for sure, so why is it such a big deal ? Just because a man has sex with another man, does not make him gay. It is his own body, his own sexual experiences. It is his sexual orientation to define. 

          The worst is when someone is actually Gay/Bi/Pan...etc. but just in the closet, and he get's outed by someone else after being discovered of his sexual activities. Do not EVER out someone. Don't, because you never know if they're in a safe environment, if they're ready enough, if their family/friends are toxic and dangerous or not. You don't know. Have Respect !

It Was In Grade 6...

          So... this is a story, a memory that I thought I would never want to share publicly on this Blog. I've only referred to this incident before in the Blog Piece "Til It Happens To You" as a way to spread awareness for Sexual Assault. I have shared and wrote just about everything of myself here, my past, my family, my journey through questioning...etc. I mean, of course I have not gone into details with my family because I think they deserve some privacy, but with major events that just involve specifically me, I've shared. I'm an open book ! I've always took pride in that. And what I'm about to share in detail, is something actually I have forgotten for a long time. I don't know why I forgot about it, why my brain kept it locked up. Yet I only started to remember that it happened years later in Canada telling my friends about my past experiences.

          I don't know why I want to share this. I just think that I'm ready, and I think of this Blog as a place where I can let things go, to let my past free. If I can write it, I'm over it. If I can write it, I can start to heal. If I can write, I can recover. And again, I was not raped, I don't think of myself as a greater victim than anyone else who have been assaulted or harassed sexually, but it's just something horrible that I went through.

          It was in Grade 6, when I was in Malaysia. I was innocent, I didn't know anything about sex, pleasure, or what sexual organs do. They don't really teach about sexual and personal health in Asia. But anyway, I was bullied like everyday. It was bad. All the boys from my class would beat me up, call me names like "faggot", "gay", "fatty"...etc. Those, I remembered. What I forgot was how on one particular day, something happened in the washroom. I walked in, and there they were, everyone were there hanging out at the beginning of lunch just right after class had ended. They made fun of me, and I stood up for myself. Well, what happened next was that they all started to beat me up, usual stuff. Yet something weird was that they all surrounded me. A few just kept kicking me, but some punched my back so that I fell down to the ground on all fours. Then two of them started to take turns dry humping me from behind. I remembered everyone laughing and saying that I would "like it because I'm a faggot." I didn't know why they were doing that or what they meant at the time, I just focused on how painful the punches and kicks felt. After they were done, they left and locked me in the washroom, I missed lunchtime that day, and I remembered crying a lot. It wasn't rape, but it was sexual assault, apparently so traumatic that my brain didn't let me to remember it until now in Canada. Maybe It's better that I didn't understand what they meant, maybe it's better that I forgot about it for so long, so that it was less impactful, less traumatizing I guess...

          I was telling my friend about Malaysia, talking about all the bullying that I used to experience. And when I started to remember this, I was shaking. I think that maybe the only impacts it has on me is the way I interact with men - how I'm more defensive and guarded with them, and how uncomfortable I feel about my body sometimes. I feel myself being angry to boys that remind me of the bullies in my past. Boys that make me feel less of myself, and don't see me as the woman that I am. The sad thing is, I believed them, because I didn't think I deserve better.

I was in Grade Six.

Their Hands were holding me down, and

Their Hips were thrusting me from behind.

I was clothed, yet

I was more naked than ever.

Their Penises were their Egos.

They thought, 

That conquering me, 

Taking my "Manhood" away, 

Stripping away my Power, would 

Make them the "Real Men". 

Yet. For me, 

It was a moment of Truth. 

Stripped away of my dignity, my pride, and my power, 

I blossomed. 

I realized, that I will never be a man. 

That I need to become the woman that I meant to be. 

That my penis is different. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Flowers, 

they blossom of Humbleness. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Diamonds, 

they strengthen through Love. 

My Penis is not my Ego, yet like Pearls, 

they shine with Purity and Grace. 

I am a Woman. 

          I am a Woman, and I will never ever, let anyone, let any man, tell me otherwise. I will not allow anyone, any man, make me think otherwise. To anyone who have been through any form of sexual assault, please remember that it's your body. It is your body. It may feel like it's not, but it is. When you're ready, claim it back, and remember. Remember that you are not defined by what they think, what they do, and what they say. That we deserve to feel like a whole person, that we are nothing less than beautiful. That we are meant to shine like the stars, that we are no less perfect than the sun. That we deserve to love the world, and that we deserve to love ourselves.

Boys. Boys. Boys.

          I have been just too sad with my Blog pieces lately, let's talk about something light ! Something I haven't wrote about in awhile, Boys. It's not that I'm too sad to think about Boys, but honestly I haven't had a crush ever since I think the beginning of summer really. I think that I've just accepted that high school boys aren't worth it and that I need to focus on more important stuff, like working on myself, spending time with my friends, and being an activist.

          Do I want love ? Of course, and if there comes a chance to be in a relationship right now, I would take it. And I don't mean to criticize teenage boys, but I've yet to find a lot of them that's mature enough to really see me as a woman and respect my community. Can I date an anti-feminist ? No. Not after what I've been fighting for and everything I go through as a Transgender female. And that's one of my biggest fear, is to fall in love with someone that's scared. Someone who is ashamed of dating me, a girl with a dick. Someone who is not brave enough to fight alongside with me, who still needs time to grow and be educated. It'll be painful, and it's difficult to find a boy who will do that for us part of the community in high school. 

          Because of my choice in advocating myself for the community, I can't hide it. I hear stories of other transgender females going on dates not letting the others know about their past, and about their bodies. And let's be honest here, I don't think I'll be successful if I do that, I don't think I pass enough. It's scary, to like people, to fall in love with people as Trans individuals. People fail to see that, to understand that we'll always have to be more careful, more hesitant, and we'll always be feeling more vulnerable and insecure. Before we even get rejected, we'll already have felt that rejection, from society, from other men, from ourselves...

         Anyway, there's this boy I'm starting to find very attractive (both physically and personality wise). No biggie, just hope that it won't develop into another hopeless crush. Ugh. Feelings ! Wish I can just lock them up sometimes. Because chances are, nothing will happen anyway. Life's just... rough. Anyway yeah, that's all I guess, it's just Boys.

How To Be Single 4.0 - Almost.

          I was almost there. I've been single for about... How long ? Oh yeah, all my life. But I really almost made it. I was almost there.

          I was almost a strong, independent, happy, single human being. I've been so busy and all over the place lately that I've not even thought about boys. I haven't had a single crush in months and I was so happy that I don't feel that lonely anymore. But then, the summer began, and I'm all guy crazy again. Boys CAN NOT compliment me, or check me out. Let me tell you, once a guy compliments me or kinda flirt with me, I don't even know how, but I just suddenly lose all control. My emotions are everywhere, and I just sink into their dick sand. But no, I have to put myself together. I can not have another crush on a straight boy again, and I will not allow myself to be miserable, and desperate ever again.

          But it doesn't really work that way does it ? I can't control my feelings, especially when I'm a lonely teenager. Feelings, are something we all wish we have control over. Yet, if you think about it, life wouldn't be as great, and humans wouldn't be as beautiful without such extreme, and diversed emotions. That's the beauty of our nature, our emotions. So what ? Shall I just allow myself to again sink into my feelings for my crush ? People tell me that it's fine, "you won't see him in the summer", "you won't see him ever again !"...etc. If we know anything about having a crush that walks out of your life, it'll be that it sucks. And it just slowly becomes this desperation. I would just end up going through my memories to feed on my feelings for him. Remember Starbucks dude ? It sucks. It can be pathetic too... I can't go back.

          How To Be Single 4.0:

I think that, at the end. We need to remember that we human beings can never be truly alone. We are social beings, we long for love, attention, and we care for each other. Learning how to be single and trying to be an independent person, is really just so we are still able to have a sense of who we are, and so that we can still think for ourselves and self-love. We want to be able to feel happy alone, and fulfilled even when there's no one there. That's the journey of How To Be Single. But we need to relax, we need to let ourselves go a little. We still need to dare ourselves to love, and pour our hearts out to the world. Maybe I'm crushing on a guy, or maybe I'm in a relationship. But I'll forever be Single. I will be an individual, I am my own person.

Stay Fabulous, xoxo

Me and Them

          A lot of times, when my girl friends have boyfriends, there always seem to be a sort of tension between me and them. I don't blame them, because I know myself, and the ways I can present myself. It even took awhile for some of my closest friends to get to meet the real me. I can be messy and complicated, so of course, some may not like me.

          It gets tiring, because I really don't feel like it's my job to please people. Though I am at fault for making certain people feel bad, or uncomfortable. And I can't blame Leyonce either, it's just me. To some, I may be fake, manipulative, sassy borderline mean, but I really don't try to be. It just upsets me when some may get the wrong idea of me, and I want to do the right thing. Yet it can be difficult, and tricky. An image isn't easy to change, and how people see you can easily be changed for the better. Yet I understand that feelings stick, and when people express that they feel almost bullied by you, to me it feels unreal. I really don't know how to even say sorry sometimes...

          I have a friend. She used to be sassy but mean, she didn't have a filter and she blocks people away. Many hated her for it and I totally understand how people's feelings could be easily hurt by that. Yet she was dealing with a lot of bullying herself and things have not been easy for her because of her personal reasons. Some still don't accept her past behaviors even understanding how it's not the real her, it's just her defense mechanism. I think it's definitely tricky, and I myself don't know how to be myself in front of boys. It's part of my insecurity too. But I can't used this, I don't want to expect them to understand or valid my actions base on my past. I will not let my past define me, not anymore.

          But to me, I have not been mean, I'm different than my friend with her past behaviors, I know for a fact that I'm not mean and I am not a bully (or at least I really hope I'm not one). I will apologize for anything I've said to make someone feel uncomfortable, but I need to stay true to my feelings too. It's not just about one person, I've been having problems with a lot of my friends' boyfriends for awhile now. Some were jealous, some were just being irrational, yet I really don't know what to do. I think it's sometimes unfair for them to interfere with my friendships. To be honest, I am scared of these boys. Maybe it's because of my past experience with men, but I am scared. I am just really scared and I don't know why...

          I think personally, I need to face my insecurity. I need to end it once it for all and end this cold war between me and them. Maybe it's them and maybe it's me, but I'm just tired. I just want everything to be over and everyone to be happy. I have to make it right. 

A Love Story

          So, UPDATE: still Single, and still Fabulous.

          Story Time: A nineteen year old boy direct messaged me on Instagram a few days ago and I just had the most random conversation ever with him. He was like horny, and wanted to video chat me and get some booty pics, BUT he lives in the Middle East and he has no idea who I am ! He said that he found my account through the #Gay. (I think I really need to start toning down my hashtags now...) I don't know how I feel about this, it's like flattering, creepy, scary, random, and funny all at the same time. After all, he's just a sweet horny guy, and I'm really flattered. Yet I turned him down saying that he seems cool and he's really nice for the compliments, but I'm not looking for anything at the moment, especially with a stranger online... Plus, I'm not letting myself into another online thing again. No matter how desperate and lonely I feel, it'll always end badly because I'm looking for a real relationship. 

          I'm looking for a Love Story.

          I was on the bus alone, and listening to love songs. I started to daydream about love again, just like the old days. I suddenly remembered how good it felt, to imagine me experiencing a real, happy, loving relationship with someone I care about. Now, I thought that I would get all depressed and sad forever-alone after thinking about relationships, but I was wrong. I'm still quite happy of where I am right now. I feel so good lately about being single, I'm so happy about the progress I've made. The thing is, I'm not losing hope. I'm still searching for a Love Story. Yet, at the same time, I'm also taking time to focus on myself and figuring my own Story out. So I'm in no rush for love, because I know I have to start loving myself first. And I think, I think that I've just really finished the chapter one of the Love Story I'm in right now, a Love Story titled "Me & Myself".

          UPDATE: I'm still Single, yet I'm even more Fabulous.

Merry Christmas - "Love Myself"

          All day yesterday, I've been trying to get myself into a happier, more Christmasy mood. I listened to Christmas songs, I jumped into an one-zie, I wore a Santa hat with a Reindeer headband, I took cute selfies, and I wished everyone on social media a Merry Christmas. It definitely helped as I really don't want to be in a bad mood on Christmas. I even bought myself hair dye because I'm ready to change up my look for the new year. And I told my mom what I wanted for Christmas. (God please make her buy it for me... It's a pair of high heel boots.) I think I'll be alright, I'm feeling better.

          So now I will explain what's up with this new guy. He and I started talking on Facebook a few days ago, he lives a little far away but not like crazy far. We met in a summer camp in grade seven, (Before I even came out as gay.) and we flirted for a few days. He told me that he is interested in me and he is a very sweet and nice guy. I am interested too to be honest, yet I'm a little afraid after what happened in grade ten with the asshole online... Now, I was a little disappointed because this guy asked for booty pictures. He is very respectful and sweet, and you know I don't think of these things as negative relationships. But, I just thought it was going a little fast and out of control. Though, I was desperate and interested, so I walked into this one with another set of hopes and expectations that I shouldn't have had. He haven't messaged me in a couple days now, and I couldn't help but to feel like I've done something wrong again. My friend said, "it's because you gave him what he wanted". And I couldn't help but wonder... Can this be possibly true ? Would a boy really try so hard and flirt with me for three days straight just to get two snaps of my butt ? Why !? Or maybe I'm just over thinking things again. It's Christmas time, he can be just really busy. And the thing is, because it's all online, I'll never know. Am I suppose to just keep myself waiting all anxious like this ? This isn't right, this isn't how I want to be...

          I don't see online flings or trading pictures as a negative situation, yet maybe it's just not for me. I get way too emotionally involved and I just care too much. It's sad though, isn't it ? There's only ever been two boys in my life time that are interested in me, and both are online flings that wanted booty pics. One ended sadly with me hurt and self conscious, and this one I don't even know what's happening. But you know what, I deserve more. If I want a relationship, a real relationship, then I deserve one. I deserve to be not left hanging wondering when's the next time he will care about me again. I deserve to be taken seriously and i definitely deserve someone who will reply to my messages and texts. I deserve to be loved.

          They aren't doing anything wrong though to be honest. This guy is perfectly fair and fine if this is all he wants (which I would totally understand and respect), but I want something more. I need something more. And I'm not going to feel sorry that I want something different. This Christmas, I'm giving myself a gift of self respect. I will love myself the way I want and deserve to be loved. Then I can finally be happy and feel loved, with myself, and by myself.

          Merry Christmas, and NEVER be sorry for loving yourself, xoxo.

Christmas Eve - "Love Yourself"

          Christmas huh ? Well, I'll tell you someone who isn't in a Christmas mood at all, this girl.

          This year has been nice, I think. I've became even more confident and strong this year and I've been more involved with the arts and exploring other arts' areas other than Visual Art. I also have kept myself quite busy studying in a Women's Literature course. Though drama has been in the air in my family, I'm barely home anyways due to my busy schedule (after school clubs & shows' rehearsals). I don't know, I just feel a little... out of place. Nothing specifically is wrong, and everything is going just fine in my life, yet I feel kinda empty. Maybe it's just because I'm not in a Christmas spirit...yet. I'm still somehow waiting for a breakthrough before 2016 pops out o nowhere. 

          As I finally get over the two remaining guys I have feelings for, I feel like I am finally becoming more realistic. I've always been so emotional and dramatic, wondering about love and dreaming about the perfect guy coming along. Now, I'm just getting angry at myself and feeling stupid. Lately, people get on my nerves easily and I no longer want to pretend that humans are flawless. For those who have noticed, I am swearing on social media quite often now. Like geez, even my best friend whom I just wrote a love Blog piece for got on my nerves for a few days. I love who I'm becoming because it feels more real, yet I couldn't help but to feel like an asshole at times... And then I get into my annoying crazy clingy mood and I annoy my friends with the phrase I keep repeating: "love me". Some ignored me, some says they do love me, but my best friend answered with nothing but a "love yourself". And I couldn't help but wonder, is it true that I still am standing right where I was a week ago ? 6 months ago ? A year ago ? How far have I really progressed to love myself and actually believe that I don't need a man in my life to be happy ? Somehow I still thinks that I would be so much happier with a relationship, yet I truly doubt that.

          I'm doing well though, just in a grumpy Christmas mood. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I have to be. Also, there's this guy... Well, I don't want to explain it now, that would be another story to tell later on. Nothing really happened, again I'm just an emotional dramatic over thinker. I swear, I'm just so done with boys right now. I'm planning on just be trans and become a lesbian. (girls are cool !)

          Merry Christmas Eve, and stay fabulous ! - also stay off my nerves, you don't wanna mess with me this week.

          

Waiting for My Prince Charming

          So it seems that I haven't wrote about boys in awhile huh ?

          I think I never got to talk about how many things ended for me, since I had a lot of things to focus on with my blog pieces for the past few months. But the summer actually helped me got over a lot of boys. Which is good, they're all straight anyway, it's better this way. I think I'm back to that point where I'm still desperate for a relationship, but I actually want to meet someone new and who can actually be attracted to me. Don't think that's going to happen either, but still better than having crazy crushes with straight teenage boys in school.

          Now let's start with Red (this is the point where if you don't know who "Red" is, you know that you clearly haven't read my blog long enough) shall we ? I saw Red once in the summer, and he has a girlfriend now. He seems to be doing well and that's great, I'm really happy for him. I'm still attracted to him, but I'm not going to like him again. I can't do this to myself, and my friends will actually kill me this time. Plus, I'm happy that Starbucks Barista boy came along in my life so I could get over Red. I never believed that using another guy to get over your crush works, but it worked for me. I didn't really try to get over Red either, it just happened after spending more time on Starbucks boy. As you all know, the Starbucks store closed and even though I have Starbucks boy's number, we don't text a lot. He seemed to be very busy and not replying to half of my texts, and I really didn't want to seem obsessive so eventually I just stopped trying. What made me really sad was that even though we didn't text a lot, our conversations were so cute and he seemed really flirty. Well I don't really know what "flirting" is really like, and he is straight (?), but I've shown all my girlfriends and they all agreed that he was being really flirty and sweet. I don't even know anymore, I assume he's just such a sweet, friendly guy that he can be sending the wrong vibes. Anyway, I haven't seen him since Starbucks closed, and I really really want to get over him. And I think I am, or at least I'm ready to be. I do miss him though...

          Since the school has started, I've been really lonely. But my stressful workload in school and outside of school have been keeping me from actually liking someone. The funny thing is, since I was hanging with friends my whole summer, I thought one of my guy friends was attractive for about a week before school started and it was so weird. He just was never my type, and I was scared that I'll actually have a crush on him. (Plus, he kinda has a thing with one of my friend...) But, it was phase and now I'm all good. BUT ! I liked this other guy (who's way more attractive) in school that also isn't my type at all for about three weeks after school has started, and it's just brutal. I've just became good friends with this boy over last school year and I really don't want to ruin a friendship. I have limited guy friends, and even though I know he'll be flattered knowing that I liked him, I'll feel weird and awkward. So I've decided not to like this guy, I'm cutting off my feelings though I have to admit, it's not totally gone... (UGH !)

          Like I said, I've gotten over my big crushes and I just want to meet someone new, before I start liking all my guy friends. It almost feel like being locked up in a tower for too long, now I've just lost my mind and having crushes on every human being with a penis. I will keep dreaming though, I have to. But it would be nice to really not think about boys for a little while, to know that I can be perfectly happy without longing for a man in my life. Instead of waiting for my Prince Charming, maybe I just need to climb down the tower myself. 

          Because right now, I'm not a Queen nor a mermaid, I'm just another lonely little Princess still waiting...