Difficult Women.

"For Women who are Difficult to Love,

...

You are Terrifying, and Strange, and Beautiful,

Something not Everyone...

Knows How To Love."

- Poetry Excerpt by Warsan Shire

          I was anxious, and frightened... I didn't know why, but I knew that it wasn't going to be easy.

          As being apart of my school's leadership council, I suggested that we host a Women's History Month assembly, to educate on women's history, and the impotence of feminism. At the assembly, I filled it with content like spreading awareness to rape culture, sexual assault, rights of queer women, coloured women...etc. I was allowed and encouraged to bring this project to life, yet it feels different. It wasn't like before. I felt it. I recruited a few girls to make the assembly possible, and many says that it's a success, yet is it ? Compared to my last, the LGBTQ+ assembly, was it still a success ? And the thing is, I don't see the success having anything to do with me or my effort, because I know that the team has given all that we can. The success lies with the audience, the question is, has the audience understood the content ? Was the audience moved, was the audience satisfied ? That, to me determines the success of the assembly.

          As a speaker on stage, I knew it wasn't a success. I could feel the energy of the audience, and I understood that most of the audience wasn't ready. See, I was so afraid and nervous because of how political and how controversial the topic of feminism is. I didn't know if I was ready for the backlash. And there was a clear lacking of emotional support this time. Last time for the LGBTQ+ assembly, I took photos with the principle, I was thanked by the school board...etc. I knew I was doing the right thing not only because I know how important it is to me, but also people reassured me that I was doing great. This time... it felt lonely. Well first of all, I'm not a Women's Studies scholar, so I was more anxious about the content I've created because it's a lot of facts and history. I had multiple people edit and fact-check the MC script, it was intense. Yet I told myself that it's the right thing to do, this is important, and I gave myself a chance to stand before the audience to share a poem of mine, talking about my experience as a transgender woman. I talked about my past with assault and my journey of embracing my femininity. I felt so exposed and vulnerable, maybe even more than the LGBTQ+ assembly. Yet the audience didn't react.They clapped and left, it was almost dead-like. The energy was different, muddy, I didn't understand how to feel... This isn't to say that the audience was bad or am I trying to criticize on the audience, it was just the way I felt being a person on stage. I am very aware of the support and love many people had for me/the content in the audience.

          The audience gave me nothing and I went home devoured by anxiety. I felt like I was drowning in a dark cloud so I reached out for feedbacks. Some classes had discussions after the assembly and I received some comments. There were good, encouraging feedbacks. Some are obviously very supportive of the content and many were happy. I'm glad. Yet many (mostly boys) weren't supportive, some negativity and backlash was given as well. One of the comments were even from someone in the leadership council, criticizing how I didn't let the council help with the content, saying that I'm not a good teamworker ?

          It has been a difficult time over these few months. It seems, that the more empowered I wish to be, loving and embracing myself, the more people I lose. People deleting/unfollowing/blocking me on social media, losing old friends and people that I thought I could rely on. I can't help but to doubt myself, Why am I so difficult to love ? Why am I choosing to be this way ? But then I realized...

          What is "this way" ? Being a leader ? Being Powerful ? Wanting to empower female voices ? Wanting to fight for equality and equity ? Wanting to love myself ? Wanting to embrace myself ? It won't be easy being me, it's not going to be. Nor is it going to be easy being an Activist and working for the things I believe in. But I have to keep going. I have to.

...

"You are Terrifying, and Strange, and Beautiful,

Something not Everyone...

Knows How To Love."

Taiwan II: Stay Strong.

          Be Brave, and Keep Going.

          It was a good day with my aunt and friend, eating brunch at a beautiful cafe in the mall. After brunch, I ask if we can go shopping. We walked into Zara, and I was so shooked by the beautiful clothing before me. I picked out a few dresses and walked to the change room. It's a good day I thought, wearing a beautiful black top and a floral skirt, with my makeup and hair all cute, out with the girls, shopping. It's a good day, I thought...

          "The Male Change Room is that way, Thank You !"

          It felt unbelievable, that even with what I'm wearing, with my hair and my makeup and everything, that still I'm not passing. When will it ever be enough ? I backed away, walking towards the male change room, it felt like it's so far away, almost too far away. It felt like I'll never get there in time before the mall closes. It felt like I'm walking towards death, which I'll never be ready for. 

          I've been there, and I know I can't go back. 

          I can't possibly do this to myself, I won't allow it.

          I put the stacks of dresses on a rack to my right, and walked out of the store. I can feel the tears in my eyes, but I won't allow myself to cry. It's not that I'm not strong enough for this, it's just that it's been awhile. It's been awhile since I've felt this way. This is my life, I reminded myself. This is the reality of my existence. I need to stay strong, and be brave. If I was back in Canada, I would fight, if I was with my friends, they would stand up for me. But not here, not here in Taiwan, in Asia. People won't stand up for me, people barely knows how to support me even if they want to. I hate how helpless I feel. How weak, how lonely. It has been awhile...

          Taiwan isn't my home anymore, it's a battle field. It's impossible to expect my family to fight with me, because they're still trying their best to figure out how to support and understand me. Within this culture, it seems impossible for me to be an activist, I'm still trying to fight for myself.

          Be Proud, and Stay Strong. 

Taiwan I: Homeless.

          I sat on the plane, wide awake. Everyone else around me are asleep, and my head's finally feeling better after taking the motion sickness pills I desperately needed. I couldn't but wonder, how do I feel ? Not physically, not mentally, but emotionally. How am I feeling ?

          While being on anti-depressants, I will often come back to myself to do a little check-in, just to see if I'm doing okay. The medications help calming my anxiety down, and minimizing the self-harming thoughts, yet at the same time, it feels numb, very robotic at times. It takes some digging to really understand how I'm feeling. I think I've been acting a little emotionless lately, people have been expressing that I'm acting "cold" again. Anyway, how am I feeling ? I feel... good, happy, content I guess. But ? But... I'm lonely.

          It's a strange feeling, going back to Taiwan. My mom originally planned for just her to visit during March Break, but I asked to join. I said to myself, this will be my last visit. Will it actually be my last time to visit Taiwan ? Of course not, but it'll be my last time for visiting my family and relatives. My next time, it'll be different. I'll be different. I'll hopefully be on hormones, I'll be a university student, I'll be focusing on my school, and if I do travel, it'll be with friends or someone else, visiting maybe Europe. This is the last time I'll visit as Li Yang Tsai. Next time, it'll be just Leon. I don't expect others to get it, but the more I'm staying in Taiwan, the more reassurance I have. People can't take it here, they're not ready for me. Taiwan hasn't changed at all, but I have. I am a Transgender woman, I am a Feminist, and I am an Activist. And those labels have become so important in my life that I will introduced myself as those before saying I'm Taiwanese.

          Taiwan isn't my home anymore, it doesn't have what I need. Yet, tracing back to my little moment on the plane, high up in the sky, crossing boarders and time zones. It's strange leaving Canada, it's not... sad. It seems as though, that I have nothing holding me back anymore, there's nothing keeping me grounded in Canada. Is Canada my home ? Does it have what I need ? I would like to think so, that my life in Canada means more than just memories. But then... why does it feel so incredible calming and easy to let go ? To leave ?

          Where is home ? Home is where your heart is. Well, my heart is... within me. 

          So if home is wherever I am, then... Where should I go ?

          Among hundreds of people either going home or leaving home, here lies a homeless girl still wide awake. Flying through the sky, passing boarders, passing seas, the girl asks, Where is home ?

Lone Wolf.

          It has been busy, and I've been having a lot of opportunities to pursue in the work of activism. It has been an absolute pleasure and honour. Yet, it feels, that the stronger I get, the lonelier I feel. The fact is, when it comes to being an activist and trailblazer, independence is needed. You'll have to learn to stand even when no one stands with you. And sure, maybe you'll be admired, loved, thanked, and get more and more networking contacts as you go, but it's lonely. It's lonely because when it's all over, when the work is done, you'll return to your room, and there lies the emptiness in front of you. The void that can never be filled no matter how much change you bring to the world. 

          You'll be reminded of the people you've let go, the things you pushed away to be the powerful person that you are today. Those you had to leave to become stronger, more independent. Those that make you feel too much, making you too weak to stand. The people that you loved, who made you so happy, who made you laugh so carelessly without thinking. The friends that you joked around with, the friends that you did stupid little things with. There's a void inside me, that can never be filled. Maybe it's crazy, but love makes us weak I think. It makes us too dependent, too afraid. Yet it seems that now, I can grow and keep growing, I can be strong, and powerful, and give everything that I am to create change. 

          Because I have nothing to lose... I'm not afraid anymore.