Difficult Women.

"For Women who are Difficult to Love,

...

You are Terrifying, and Strange, and Beautiful,

Something not Everyone...

Knows How To Love."

- Poetry Excerpt by Warsan Shire

          I was anxious, and frightened... I didn't know why, but I knew that it wasn't going to be easy.

          As being apart of my school's leadership council, I suggested that we host a Women's History Month assembly, to educate on women's history, and the impotence of feminism. At the assembly, I filled it with content like spreading awareness to rape culture, sexual assault, rights of queer women, coloured women...etc. I was allowed and encouraged to bring this project to life, yet it feels different. It wasn't like before. I felt it. I recruited a few girls to make the assembly possible, and many says that it's a success, yet is it ? Compared to my last, the LGBTQ+ assembly, was it still a success ? And the thing is, I don't see the success having anything to do with me or my effort, because I know that the team has given all that we can. The success lies with the audience, the question is, has the audience understood the content ? Was the audience moved, was the audience satisfied ? That, to me determines the success of the assembly.

          As a speaker on stage, I knew it wasn't a success. I could feel the energy of the audience, and I understood that most of the audience wasn't ready. See, I was so afraid and nervous because of how political and how controversial the topic of feminism is. I didn't know if I was ready for the backlash. And there was a clear lacking of emotional support this time. Last time for the LGBTQ+ assembly, I took photos with the principle, I was thanked by the school board...etc. I knew I was doing the right thing not only because I know how important it is to me, but also people reassured me that I was doing great. This time... it felt lonely. Well first of all, I'm not a Women's Studies scholar, so I was more anxious about the content I've created because it's a lot of facts and history. I had multiple people edit and fact-check the MC script, it was intense. Yet I told myself that it's the right thing to do, this is important, and I gave myself a chance to stand before the audience to share a poem of mine, talking about my experience as a transgender woman. I talked about my past with assault and my journey of embracing my femininity. I felt so exposed and vulnerable, maybe even more than the LGBTQ+ assembly. Yet the audience didn't react.They clapped and left, it was almost dead-like. The energy was different, muddy, I didn't understand how to feel... This isn't to say that the audience was bad or am I trying to criticize on the audience, it was just the way I felt being a person on stage. I am very aware of the support and love many people had for me/the content in the audience.

          The audience gave me nothing and I went home devoured by anxiety. I felt like I was drowning in a dark cloud so I reached out for feedbacks. Some classes had discussions after the assembly and I received some comments. There were good, encouraging feedbacks. Some are obviously very supportive of the content and many were happy. I'm glad. Yet many (mostly boys) weren't supportive, some negativity and backlash was given as well. One of the comments were even from someone in the leadership council, criticizing how I didn't let the council help with the content, saying that I'm not a good teamworker ?

          It has been a difficult time over these few months. It seems, that the more empowered I wish to be, loving and embracing myself, the more people I lose. People deleting/unfollowing/blocking me on social media, losing old friends and people that I thought I could rely on. I can't help but to doubt myself, Why am I so difficult to love ? Why am I choosing to be this way ? But then I realized...

          What is "this way" ? Being a leader ? Being Powerful ? Wanting to empower female voices ? Wanting to fight for equality and equity ? Wanting to love myself ? Wanting to embrace myself ? It won't be easy being me, it's not going to be. Nor is it going to be easy being an Activist and working for the things I believe in. But I have to keep going. I have to.

...

"You are Terrifying, and Strange, and Beautiful,

Something not Everyone...

Knows How To Love."