Denial.

          Without consulting with a psychological/psychiatrical professional, I stopped taking my medications. I thought, that being here in University, being in a new setting with new people, would make me happier. I thought, that I would be happy... enough.

          I'm struggling to face my mental health issues. I feel like I'm in a state of denial, wanting to be normal, to be just another university student. Within a big institution like this, it feels lonely. It feels lonely because my disability is so invisible. Though I can't let this go on, and I can't just sweep my bad days under the rug, telling people that the reason why I'm missing lectures is me being lazy... It's starting again, not being able to get out of bed, and feeling tired for no reason. I'm scared, and I don't have a strong-enough support system yet here to be like this. I need to get myself together.

          And at times like these, I come to here. I come here, to write, to check in with my feelings, but also to update those around me who cares about my well-being. It's funny, of how personal yet public this is. I promise, that I'm gonna be okay. I have to be.

Homecoming.

          Coming "home"... to this town, is triggering. I find myself starting to shake as I see the familiar street views, I find myself out of breath looking at the house, I find myself wanting to cry, but I don't know why...

          Why shall I drag my tired body into a house of violence ?
          How can I force my tired soul onto a bed where I couldn't get up from ?
          What is this room but a prison of memories ?

          I'm sorry. I've cried too many times here, and I can't do this anymore...
          Sleepless nights, holding my broken pieces alone under the stars...
          This isn't what home suppose to be like.

Let Love Grow...

I drown myself in bleach trying to erase the mistakes that I've made.

Trying to die, just in order to be born again...

Why? Why do I murder myself so mercilessly,

Why do I feel the need to birth myself once more?

Who am I but a child, a creation of Mother Nature,

Who am I to have the power to birth myself again?

"You can be better. And I want you to be a better person..."

"But you fucked up here, with me, with everyone else..."

"So take this pill, and apply it to others."

Onto the sandy beach, and into the fresh cold water

I asked for cleansing...

Under the stars, and lit by the soft moonlight

I begged for forgiveness...

How, how can I be a good person?

How, how can I be a better person?

How, how can I be perfect?

How can I be loved?

I've tried to make a home out of myself,

yet whenever one leaves,

I burn the house down.

If one doesn't love me, then I must do better.

I must start over...

It's tiring... to start over.

I won't this time, I promise.

I will learn to grow flowers out of my scars,

and to water the wounds.

Let Love Grow within,

then Blossom.

          Thank You, to everyone who have helped me grow, and those who have stood by me through this journey of self-discovery. I'm off to University now, starting a new chapter of my life, a new adventure. I will hope to continue as an Activist spreading awareness for Queer and Trans Inclusiveness. And I will also continue to practice Self-Care and Self-love, yet it isn't a fast-moving process. My Mental Health has been getting better finally, and I'm full of emotions knowing that I'll be moving to the Greater Toronto Area for University of Toronto Scarborough. It's an exciting time, but also an anxious one, I'll try to keep you all updated by continue to write and post !

My Virginity... ?

Content Warning: Sexual Explicit Language

          I'm just a Sexually-Liberated Woman with a Dick having a dilemma...

          So remember that I shared with y'all on how I sucked my first cock when I was in Montreal, Quebec for a family weekend using Grindr ? Well, update: I'm no longer on Grindr, but I am on OkCupid and Tinder. Now, I did meet up with several guys in the past few months and have had my first kiss as well ! I love a good make-out session, one of my favourites on the menu ! And listen to this, I did let a guy try to put the tip of his penis in my butt while we were hanging out/hooking up at his place, but it didn't go anywhere. He didn't have actual lube and I was too anxious. It hurts like a motherfu*ker !!! Y'all, anal sex is no joke. Not only do I need to prepare myself physically, but also mentally and emotionally as well. So yeah don't worry, I'm still a "virgin" ! I have not yet had full-on penetrative sex y'all, calm down. Though let's be honest here, I'll probably lose my "virginity" this summer before going to university.

          A part of me is resisting because as some of you may know, I'm actually a hopeless romantic ! I love romance, I love kisses, cuddles, and all the cutesy little things, but I've also kind of given up... See, I was even gonna wait to have my first kiss with someone who'll make it all special and "life-changing". But now I feel like I might even lose my "virginity" to a hookup ?! It feels wrong but also... "virginity" isn't a real physical thing, it's a social construct. And I'm a horny sexually-liberated girl who just need some dicks ! Seriously, it's an honest struggle for me... And as sexually-driven and liberated I feel, there's still gonna be a part of me that's a little disappointed with myself for giving up on romance, on "love" if we're dissecting it into a battle between "love" and "lust".

          I don't want to give up, I want to believe that I deserve romance, cute dates, kisses and cuddles...etc. It's just difficult being in a small town with boys and men not seeing me as a "real woman", treating transgender girls as a kinky fetish, that somehow we're not "dateable" just because we're not cisgender. I would talk to guys who's all romantic and flirty, asking me out on dates, but the second he learns that I'm transgender, now I'm just "cute enough" to "chill with"... It's so difficult to realize that I deserve more when all the attention I've been given is purely lustful and sexual, sometimes even in degrading ways. Maybe I'm just not pretty enough to date ? Is it because I'm plus-sized ? No, No, Nooo ! I will no longer allow my mistreatments to determine my self-worth. I shall remind myself that I deserve love, I deserve positive attention, that I, as a fat Transgender Woman of Colour deserve Romance !!!

          Also, the fact that even if I am sexually-liberated, the society and the system that we live under is not gonna let me have control or be as powerful as men. I will need to empower myself and know what I want, then fight for it. #Resist !

Depression Is When... (Poem)

Depression is when... 

When I overeat,

Trying to fill myself, my stomach,

Trying to fill this emptiness within me.

When I can’t get out of bed, 

Feeling like there’s no purpose to be alive. 

When I isolate myself, 

Blocking communications with others, 

Forcing people to leave me, 

Wanting to burden no one but myself. 

When I feel guilty,

For things that I can’t control. 

Feeling as if I need to be better, 

Feeling as if I need to change, 

Feeling as if I need to be fixed, 

In order to be loved. 

When I sleep for a whole day, 

And still feel sleepy, 

Desperate for an escape. 

When I want to cry, 

To let everything out. 

Yet I feel nothing, 

Not even a single tear. 

When I feel my friends’ hopelessness, 

Feeling like they no longer know, 

How to love me. 

When I fight a War with myself, 

Every Single Day. 

When I act so well, 

To look happy, To look confident, 

To be funny, To be sassy,

To be... fine.

Depression is when... 

When I don’t live, I Survive.

Leon Tsai