Have
you ever felt like you don't matter in a friendship? Like you're always a
second choice, and your feelings don't matter to them? I try to give so much care and
love to them to keep the friendship running, but sometimes it's a race that I feel like I will never win, because you can only give so much. Maybe that person does want
this friendship, and maybe they do care, but I can't feel it. I couldn't help but wonder if I am selfish, that I am just seeking the equal amount love and care that I gave to them. I felt the need to prove that I care about them to the
world, and showed them how important this friendship was to me, but sometimes they don't
always feel the same way I do. Maybe they don't think I am giving them the
care and love they want. Maybe they are trying to give more, but something's
causing them to hold back.
It just hurts so much. Feeling so desperate for care and love, thinking the whole time that they would give some of it in return. I can't blame them, or stay mad at them even for a second, because I know that letting go of the friendship will hurt so much more than sacrificing yourself for them. So, I pretend that I'm mad and upset
at them to try to make them realize how much I care, but to them, I guess I'm nothing special. What am I to them? What am I to her? I spent my whole time holding so tightly to this
friendship, thinking that she would be the one grabbing on if I let go. I
was wrong.
I tried to get mad, I tried to blame it
on her, but what can I say: I can't. I know for a fact that it isn't her
fault. Who will get the blame, then? Me. I was the one who shouldn't have been so
immature and desperate. I was the one who didn't give us space. It seems like
everything just comes back to ourselves doesn't it?
I realise that I can't back down this time. I refuse
to be the one running back to the friendship and try to fix it. I hate to admit
that I was wrong, and I was the immature one. Whatever happens this time, I need
to stick with my pride, and not show emotions, even if I'm dying in the inside. Is my pride worth the pain of letting go? I don't
know, but I can't think about that. I just have to go with it.
Editor: A.B.
You raise some interesting points here. When should we put our egos aside and apologize? What if it's not our fault? I've lost a few important friendships and I feel like I can really relate to what you're saying - how being without them felt like it was killing me inside, even though I never admitted it. A brilliant thought-provoking post. I hope to see more from you soon. Keep up the great writing.
ReplyDeleteHey Laura ! Thank you so much and I'm glad that people relates to my writing. And by the way, the friend I wrote about here actually came to me and asked to be friends again a while ago. I did not talk to her first like I said in the piece, my pride might seems stupid but it showed me that she is a real friend and she do cares about me. I am really sorry to hear that you have experienced a few things like things but you have to stay strong. It's good to stand up for ourselves and not back down but we all need to learn when to give up the worthless fights sometimes. love leon :)
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