Sheltered: Light & Dark Part 3 - Shine

 

          When it comes to people, I look at it as the fact that we're all stars in the sky. We are all stars shining, sometimes we burn out, and that's when others shine into our lives. Sometimes we accept some of the lights being shined into us, sometimes we don't. It seems a little unappreciative that we stars even select those lights being sent to us, selecting the love and care we are often offered. But the truth is, not every star loves the light and attention it's being given, and some are just not shining bright enough to share their lights with others. Some aren't even seen, and some are trying their best to be seen. I myself have been a bright star for the past few years now... and I wish I could start over.

          I was never my own, I was a small shining star who was happy and balancing between the brightness and darkness within myself, but then I was darkened. I believed we all were, there will be a day when you start to look around and notice the other stars and caring more and more about the balance of your light, listening to the expectations and the "standard lighting rules" in our sky. I was about five when I started to notice to the dress codes for boys, the colours boys are allow to like, the actions and gestures boys are suppose to have, and the toys boys are allow to play with...etc. I was different, and I tried not to show my lights as they came in different shades and colours. I felt judged as the stars sparkled and blinked like eyes watching my every move. I stood out, and I was ashamed.

          After years of denying my true colours, I slowly learned to accept myself again as I accepted the lights being shined into me by some of the most beautiful and caring stars I've met. I've became more confidence and loving as now I try to shine my lights as far and bright as possible to every star and every dark corner I could see. Yet this isn't the real me either. I've developed a character to be loved and shine, to be seen, and to prove that I'm no longer afraid. But I still am, now I'm more afraid of letting go of this flaming star I've put on, I'm afraid of being weak. It's tiring though, because not every star needs and wants your light, not every star can love your shine. Some stars will judge me, misunderstand me, and even hate me. But the saddest thing is, almost no stars can see or seem to understand the real me after all these years. I don't think I know how to turn the shine off anymore...

          I want to start over, I want to first turn my shine inwards a little to light myself up, to warm myself up, and to discover who I really am inside. I want to really accept and love myself, then I can shine my lights onto others, knowing who I am and what I can offer. I no longer want to be insecure and shine my lights into the stars who don't need them, or offer the shades of lights that they don't appreciate. I want to be loving, caring, and burning like a beautiful star that I've always wanted to be. I want to be just me, and I want to realize that I don't have shine the brightest or be the most colourful to be loved or be noticed. I don't have to try so hard to be seen or to feel beautiful. I want to realize that I am enough. 

          I want to believe that I was born in this dark sky to shine, for no one else but me. 

What I've Become

          A woman in my life, who I look up to, who I loved deeply, who I care about, who I can not lived without: My Mother, said that she feels bullied, that she felt attacked and bullied by me. She said she supports the LGBTQ community, but she feels upset by my choice of clothing. She said that it's not flattering on me, nor does it suit me. She said that I don't have enough of a feminine figure to pull it off, and she just finds it ugly when I wear women's clothing like skirts. She said she feels bullied and upset and that she just doesn't understand. Well, I think that she got one thing right, which is that she just doesn't understand, but not only about her own emotions and my fashion choices. She doesn't understand what I've become.

          She has asked me to cooperate with her to make her happier, make it easier for her. But the truth is, I really just can't. I want her to understand and accept me, and I also want her to be happy. Yet in my perspective, this cooperation would be selfish of her to request. This isn't cooperation to me, it's a sacrifice. Trust me, this will not help her depression, or make her happier. In fact, it will drown me in depression and trade in my freedom for absolutely nothing. By requesting me to cooperate, she is comparing her feeling of discomfort of seeing a boy in a skirt with my experiences, my everything, my past that I've struggled through to gain this confidence and freedom. It's defying what I've been through, every bully, every word, every phrase, every beating, everything I've wanted to hurt myself for. This freedom that I have: the fashion choices, my Gender-Fluidity, my sexual orientation, my voice...etc. had become my identity and prove for being who I truly am and who I want to be. It is proof to myself that I'm stronger, happier and that I can be whatever and whoever I wish to be. It is proof that I'm owning and living my life for myself. It is proof that I love myself.

          I know I haven't talked in detail about my family and what they're really like, but my mother has always inspired me. She is an intelligent, confident woman who knew what she wanted in life. She was always so selfless and hardworking, but she isn't always compassionate. It can be difficult for her to open her eyes to see the world and the beauty in the others around her. She doesn't love herself enough, yet she doesn't allow others to give her love and care. She wants to be strong and independent, but I'll be here waiting for her to let me into her heart.

          I love her so much, and I want her to be better, but I can not help her if she doesn't let me love her. She needs to know that I would do anything for her to make her happy, but I need to be happy too. I've worked so hard for this and I can not let go. It's all I have.

Editor : A. B.

Sheltered: Light & Dark Part 2 - Love

          Darkness is a place where we can get lost. We not only lose our directions, we may even lose ourselves. Yet darkness is also a place for us to hide, from reality. Using darkness, we shelter ourselves from the reality of our society. And by doing so, truths and flaws get to be buried under the coat of darkness, never seen or revealed.

          For me, I've chosen to reveal and see the ugly painful truths of society. I want to believe that once I've seen the worst in humanity, I'll discover the best. My whole life, I'm searching for the light, the morality and purpose of life. Yet it only seems to tangle myself with more unanswered questions, losing myself in the dark cloud I've created. I've been through hell and I've been through many stages in my life where it feels like an eternal darkness, but the solution of solving the darkness created by others is easy: strength. But it's more complicated when it's a thick cloud of darkness that you yourself have created. That's the mess I'm in. I was busy searching for love, success, and friendship, yet I've forgotten about myself, leaving my happiness behind. 

          I started to wonder about the reasons behind my each involvement in life as I want to know if I'm really living for myself or not. I've been talking about how I need to love myself more and really care about living, not just breathing. I still have a long way to go, but it's okay, it's a process. I'm just getting tired, I know I've had people supporting me all this time but sometimes I feel like I'm forced to handle problems alone... It may be unfair to those who've helped me so much in the past, but it sometimes feel like I'm in the dark by myself. I guess we all humans feel helpless and alone at times. But I'm getting to a point of be tired of the challenges in life, maybe its's just the lack of motivation, but why can't someone or something in life just click and give me a happily ever after !? This is me escaping from the truth of reality, it sometimes is so ugly that I rather shelter myself from the world. I guess this is why I'm so deparate of love, I'm searching for someone who can give me a fantasy, a happy ending, an escape from reality. I want a love that consumes me, a darkness that I can lose myself in willingly. This concept is conflicting, because I feel like I'm in the darkness without love yet the love I'm searching for is also a form of darkness ? It seems like I'm just trying to search for another way of escaping from reality that's more enjoyable. An escape for me to no longer take control, an escape for me to let myself go and let someone else take care of me, no more stress and no more anxiety. I want a love that's both the darkness and the light. That's love though, isn't it !? Love is always two sided, it gives us an escape from the light yet shines light through the darkness for us to reflect on the truth and the reality of who we are.

          Someday, I'll just give up on this and stop searching for love. Maybe then I can be truly happy, and realize that I don't need something or someone to escape from the light and free myself from the dark. I'll just need to turn on and off the lights myself, just as simple as it is in real life with a light switch.

The Okay List

          Lately things have been... messy. I have been quite busy and I've not been eating very healthy or getting enough sleep. Plus, I'm still searching for a part-time job, but it almost seems like I won't be able to handle much more. Being involved and doing the things I love is always great, but we humans have limits. And I've been having mood swings and what I call "man periods". I know I'm going to be fine, but it's just unfair for my friends to have deal with this. This self-therapeutic method created by my editor A.B. is simple and may help me to calm down a little. An Okay List is a list where I list some of the flaws or experiences I've had and then say, "and that's okay." It's not for me to admit that I have issues and just simply do nothing to fix myself, it's for me to say that I'm not perfect and that's okay. I will work on myself little by little everyday and it's okay to make mistakes, and not be perfect. I am human.

I can be annoying sometimes, and that's okay.

I have separation anxiety, and that's okay.

I'm very insecure, and that's okay.

I sometimes don't love myself enough, and that's okay.

I hate my body some days, and that's okay.

I am scared of the future and am afraid of failure, and that's okay.

I sometimes feel not worthy of love, and that's okay.

I don't really know how to make myself happy, and that's okay.

I care too much about some little things in life that no one understands, and that's okay.

I feel like a random person reading this may worry that I might be suicidal, which I'm not, 

and that's okay.

I overthink situations which stresses me out, and that's okay.

I had depression and self harmed, and that's okay.

I have a family who I love deeply but can never understand, and that's okay.

I was bullied physically and emotionally, and that's okay.

I get attached to friends because I'm afraid of being alone, and that's okay.

I am sometimes socially awkward when I meet people, and that's okay.

I put on an act of this sassy, happy, flamboyant character as a defense mechanism, and that's okay.

I sometimes am afraid of letting people see the real me, and that's okay.

I don't really know who I really am sometimes, and that's okay.

I don't feel okay, but that's okay.

          

Sheltered: Light & Dark Part 1 - Limits

          We're all sheltered, protected, and blinded by the dark and light. Some of us could not even bare to have the thought of being in the dark, yet some of us feel more free in the darkness, where nothing is seen. Like honesty and truth, it sometimes show the most ugly flaws of us human beings, leaving us naked and vulnerable for the world to see. But the lies and deceptions leave us with even more chance to discover those flaws and fill ourselves with secrets and shame.

          Insecurities, one simple word, yet I'm sure 99% of the people on Earth has them. It's human nature to want to hide in the dark and not let others see your flaws and insecurities. It's only protecting ourselves from being hurt, but it's also sheltering ourselves from the truth and our world. Sometimes I wonder how I made myself stepped into the light, because I was in the darkness for a while before. It seems to be the support and love from others that helped me realize that I can love myself. Even now, I have my days where I try to find that dark place again and hide, but when you've been in the light for so long, you can lose your sense of direction as you would too in the dark. There's no place for you to hide and every ugly truth is there to haunt you. As there is no escape from reality.

          It takes courage and a thick skin to be in the light, and I argue that I would rather have a painful, ugly truth then a lie out of love and protection. That's not entirely true, I'm a human, I get scared and I get anxious. But I remind myself that I deserve to be in the light sometimes, and that I deserve no lies. I want to put myself out there for the world to see, because my time in the darkness did me no good. And if I'm going to be the light, I'll make all use of it. That's why I have alter egos, to put on an act when I'm surrounded by strangers. "I am a Queen, I am Fabulous." I somehow have made it a rule that if I can convince them that I'm confident and happy, I would really be. And it does help, to an extent. We humans are fluid, we should be able to have both the light and the dark there for us to use. It's not always healthy for me either to expect everything to be in the light. Because I may not be able handle as much as I thought I could. Truths so hurt, and the worst part is, reality can sometimes be a deception itself.

          On the other hand, darkness can be free and limitless, full with imaginations and hope. Yet it also can lead you to no where but confusion and danger. I hated my times in the dark and I believe that the light will set us all free. Because I think that the truth will only hurt when it's being compared by our social standards. Others' truths may just differ or even oppose to your own subjective. There is no right and wrong answers to the Truth and False of individuality. So maybe the Light and Dark themselves don't even exist. Maybe they were standards of life set upon ourselves. Maybe they were only meant to be mixed to create a human's complexity, and not to be contrasted. 

          Because we're all just human beings, like little shades of grey. Seven billion shades of grey trying to fit into the Black and White standards of this world.