Merry Christmas - "Love Myself"

          All day yesterday, I've been trying to get myself into a happier, more Christmasy mood. I listened to Christmas songs, I jumped into an one-zie, I wore a Santa hat with a Reindeer headband, I took cute selfies, and I wished everyone on social media a Merry Christmas. It definitely helped as I really don't want to be in a bad mood on Christmas. I even bought myself hair dye because I'm ready to change up my look for the new year. And I told my mom what I wanted for Christmas. (God please make her buy it for me... It's a pair of high heel boots.) I think I'll be alright, I'm feeling better.

          So now I will explain what's up with this new guy. He and I started talking on Facebook a few days ago, he lives a little far away but not like crazy far. We met in a summer camp in grade seven, (Before I even came out as gay.) and we flirted for a few days. He told me that he is interested in me and he is a very sweet and nice guy. I am interested too to be honest, yet I'm a little afraid after what happened in grade ten with the asshole online... Now, I was a little disappointed because this guy asked for booty pictures. He is very respectful and sweet, and you know I don't think of these things as negative relationships. But, I just thought it was going a little fast and out of control. Though, I was desperate and interested, so I walked into this one with another set of hopes and expectations that I shouldn't have had. He haven't messaged me in a couple days now, and I couldn't help but to feel like I've done something wrong again. My friend said, "it's because you gave him what he wanted". And I couldn't help but wonder... Can this be possibly true ? Would a boy really try so hard and flirt with me for three days straight just to get two snaps of my butt ? Why !? Or maybe I'm just over thinking things again. It's Christmas time, he can be just really busy. And the thing is, because it's all online, I'll never know. Am I suppose to just keep myself waiting all anxious like this ? This isn't right, this isn't how I want to be...

          I don't see online flings or trading pictures as a negative situation, yet maybe it's just not for me. I get way too emotionally involved and I just care too much. It's sad though, isn't it ? There's only ever been two boys in my life time that are interested in me, and both are online flings that wanted booty pics. One ended sadly with me hurt and self conscious, and this one I don't even know what's happening. But you know what, I deserve more. If I want a relationship, a real relationship, then I deserve one. I deserve to be not left hanging wondering when's the next time he will care about me again. I deserve to be taken seriously and i definitely deserve someone who will reply to my messages and texts. I deserve to be loved.

          They aren't doing anything wrong though to be honest. This guy is perfectly fair and fine if this is all he wants (which I would totally understand and respect), but I want something more. I need something more. And I'm not going to feel sorry that I want something different. This Christmas, I'm giving myself a gift of self respect. I will love myself the way I want and deserve to be loved. Then I can finally be happy and feel loved, with myself, and by myself.

          Merry Christmas, and NEVER be sorry for loving yourself, xoxo.

Christmas Eve - "Love Yourself"

          Christmas huh ? Well, I'll tell you someone who isn't in a Christmas mood at all, this girl.

          This year has been nice, I think. I've became even more confident and strong this year and I've been more involved with the arts and exploring other arts' areas other than Visual Art. I also have kept myself quite busy studying in a Women's Literature course. Though drama has been in the air in my family, I'm barely home anyways due to my busy schedule (after school clubs & shows' rehearsals). I don't know, I just feel a little... out of place. Nothing specifically is wrong, and everything is going just fine in my life, yet I feel kinda empty. Maybe it's just because I'm not in a Christmas spirit...yet. I'm still somehow waiting for a breakthrough before 2016 pops out o nowhere. 

          As I finally get over the two remaining guys I have feelings for, I feel like I am finally becoming more realistic. I've always been so emotional and dramatic, wondering about love and dreaming about the perfect guy coming along. Now, I'm just getting angry at myself and feeling stupid. Lately, people get on my nerves easily and I no longer want to pretend that humans are flawless. For those who have noticed, I am swearing on social media quite often now. Like geez, even my best friend whom I just wrote a love Blog piece for got on my nerves for a few days. I love who I'm becoming because it feels more real, yet I couldn't help but to feel like an asshole at times... And then I get into my annoying crazy clingy mood and I annoy my friends with the phrase I keep repeating: "love me". Some ignored me, some says they do love me, but my best friend answered with nothing but a "love yourself". And I couldn't help but wonder, is it true that I still am standing right where I was a week ago ? 6 months ago ? A year ago ? How far have I really progressed to love myself and actually believe that I don't need a man in my life to be happy ? Somehow I still thinks that I would be so much happier with a relationship, yet I truly doubt that.

          I'm doing well though, just in a grumpy Christmas mood. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I have to be. Also, there's this guy... Well, I don't want to explain it now, that would be another story to tell later on. Nothing really happened, again I'm just an emotional dramatic over thinker. I swear, I'm just so done with boys right now. I'm planning on just be trans and become a lesbian. (girls are cool !)

          Merry Christmas Eve, and stay fabulous ! - also stay off my nerves, you don't wanna mess with me this week.

          

Soul Mate

          Dear Kate,

          Happy 16th Birthday.

          "Soul mate, two little words, one big concept. A belief that someone somewhere is holding the key to your heart...and your dream house." - Sex and The City

          Darling, you are my Soul Mate. I really think so, because you're the first that has really made me feel loved, and worthy of love. You are everything to me, and there's no doubt in my mind that you deserve everything as well. You make my days brighter, my smiles sweeter, my laughter louder, my mind clearer, my heart warmer, and my life happier. Sometimes I don't even think you understand how beautiful and perfect you are, because you can never see what I see or feel how you make me feel. But please to always remember, that you deserve absolutely everything. You have made me feel so special, and have thought me so much of life and the world. You're the first to call me a "she" and a "lady", you're the first to understand me when I'm trying to hide away, you're the first to say that I deserve to be treated well like every other human being, you're the first to say that I'm one of the most intelligent people you know, you're the first to have said that you prefer pictures of me unedited and unfiltered, and you are the first to have ever looked at my bare body and told me that I'm beautiful. I know for a fact that I would not be the same today without you.

          Remember when you disliked me in the ninth grade when we first met ? I don't blame you, I was not really a good person back then. I was a little annoying, fake, insecure, clingy, and way too loud for one to handle. For some reason, we still clicked and you've changed me for the better. I would like to think of you as an angel sent from Heaven above to fix me. It's true though, you really have changed me for good. You are an influence that's powered through love and intelligence. You didn't understand me, yet you wanted to, and then you did. So I've accepted the love you've given, and hopefully have also been loving you the way you deserved to be loved.

          Though It's like a drug, the more love I accept from you, the more dependent I am on you. So I do try to be a little more independent, as I do know that even if you love me forever, I can never fully love myself being dependent on your support. Yet you've helped me so much with self love and seeing myself in a whole new way, that I really don't know how to thank you. You are kind, intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, logical, open-minded, loving, caring, and so much more. You are basically a perfect human being to me. And I know we always joke about being a couple, and I know this blog piece couldn't possibly get more cheesy, but I do love you so much that I would actually marry you. (Though an open marriage, because I'm sorry I still like men.) 

          I have no doubt that you will continue to grow as a beautiful young woman and have a fairly bright future, and I'm honored to be part of your journey. I wish to be in the rest of your journey, I wish we can be a forever, an infinite. And your have already promised me a forever, by your infinite amount of love shared and given. Our friendship, along with our love, shall never change, and never end. We are infinite. 

          You accept the Love you think you Deserve, but baby, you deserve Everything.

          

Reclaiming Myself: A Mirror

I am a mirror.

          I am a mirror, as I aspire myself to reflect the image of perfection everyday. I reflect on the others around me and I only make myself see the traits of perfection in others that I wish to obtain. I am never good enough, perfect enough, or worthy enough. I feel like I'm here only for the world, as I change myself to meet other's liking to reach for their approval. How can I know who I really am, and what my real self is when I'm only a certain way for the people around me. If there's no one with me, I am nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm in my room, wondering who I am, searching endlessly for an answer that doesn't exist at all. I smile for the others to smile, I laugh for the others to laugh, I stand proudly to inspire others, and I cry to show sympathy for others. Who am I ? A mirror, that's it. Just a Mirror.

          But I need to live, and breakthrough. If I am really a man/woman trapped being the mirror, I need to reform and reconstruct myself. Rather than a mirror, I want to be more of a sponge. I want to be able to absorb the beauty and the positive traits of perfection I find in others and reform it as a real personality for myself. I want to no longer look at others and feel unworthy and not as beautiful or talented. I want to finally love and accept myself for the self that I am or anything that I wish to become.

          I wish to be a butterfly, that just because I'm not born out of beauty, I spread my wings even more and transform into the beauty I aspire to be. I wish to be a mermaid, that by not letting the society's standards limit me, I am free. I wish to just be a human being, that is flawed and still aspire to reach for the state of perfection, pushing my limits and allowing me to take risks. I wish to be living, that fills myself with energies and emotions, and like writing a novel, filling my days with colourful and exciting stories. 

          I want to be just me.

Reclaiming Myself: Fat

I am... Fat.

          Fat: "(of a person or an animal) having a large amount of excess flesh."

          Now that is actually one of the most hurtful yet simple word in English. Three simple letters, yet they come with a lot of meanings that are attached there by our society. First of all, "Fat" is not an emotion or a look, I don't think that we should be able to feel fat or look fat. It just doesn't make sense. I know many people that has many fat percentages in their body yet do not look like the stereotypical "fat image" we as a society have created. Feeling fat is just submitting ourselves to the societal standards of beauty.

          There is no real life version of an ideal body, just like how there is no absolute perfection. Beauty exists, but much like morality, it's subjective. We humans are born to construct our own realities, but after influenced by the media, we submit our constructions to the standards set by society.

          I'm really trying to learn to love my body, trying to reconstruct my standards and my reality to redefine what beauty means to me. I may be fat, but I don't have to feel fat. I want to feel fabulous. So I will be honest with you all, and to be honest I don't know why I tell all my secrets on my blog. I guess take it as a thank you for being interested enough to read on gift, and also because I want to love myself. I think we all need to be honest with ourselves first, before trying to love. My current weight is about 93kg which is 205 pounds. Me after my diet(which ended in September btw) was 91kg which is just a little over 200 pounds. To be honest, this isn't that hard as there are plenty more things in my life that are even more difficult to write about than my weight but It sounds scary when it's put into pounds, so I try my best to stay in the kilograms. I think we all need to remind ourselves that it's just a number, and that what's more important is our mental health, physical health, and who we are as human beings. Yes of course I understand being over weight is not the healthiest, but that's why I will try to excise more and eat healthier. I will when I have the time to slow down, and actually be healthy the right way.

          We don't have to be afraid of a number, or an image. I think we all need to know that we can be beautiful no matter what size we are. Beauty is more about what's on the inside. I know it's cheesy, but it's true. We just can't let society do this anymore, I find it disgusting that some even think that they should have a say in what's beautiful and what's not. We need to fight back, and reclaim our bodies. We own them, and we should love them. After all, we need to live with, look at, and sleep in them every day and every night.

          I must not be afraid. 

Editor K.L.S

Reclaiming Myself: Feminist

A Feminist, I am a Feminist.

          Feminist: "a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes."

          To this day, even with so much involvement in the Feminist movement and coverage with in our society, people are still refusing to call themselves Feminists. I've always considered myself a Feminist, but after studying in Women's Literature and looking deeper into history and the meaning of Feminism, I am here to reclaim this identity.

          I have this friend who didn't consider herself as a Feminist, she said she believed in equality yet she was afraid because of the backlash and the bad name our society has given to us Feminists. I say, if you don't call yourself a Feminist, don't say you believe in equality of the sexes, because it makes no sense to not support something when you believe in the meaning of it. We must no longer let media label Feminism as something angry and ugly. We need to reclaim this word, and show the world it's true definition, we need to be the change.

          I understand it's just a label, what really matters is people's support and state of mind, but when the name creates such a backlash and the generation of such misleading opinions, the label matters. We who know the true definition of Feminism have to be the change. It doesn't matter how small we are, it doesn't matter how little our voices seem. What matters is that we're speaking out, we're owning our voice, and we're claiming our power. I wear heels because I support Drag culture, anti-discrimination for the LGBTQ community, and believe that we should all be able to express who we are and identify ourselves freely. I wear heels to show support. I know I'm only one person, but sometimes it just takes one person to start a revolution. If we support something yet stay quiet, we're submitting ourselves to the backlash against Feminism and silently agreeing with the wrongful portrayal of it in with in the media. We must claim our power and stand up for what is right.

          We cannot be afraid.

Editor K.L.S

Reclaiming Myself: Faggot

          A Faggot, how do you feel when someone calls you a Faggot ?

          Faggot: "a male homosexual/a bundle of sticks or twigs used as fuel for a fire".

          It can be used as slang, as an insult, an offensive comment, a funny comment, a trigger word...etc. But it can also be just a word. Now I understand the shameful use of this word and how it can trigger negative feelings or memories for many people in the LGBTQ community, including me. Yet I think for me at least, I am ready to reclaim this word.

          If you call me a "Faggot", I would first chuckle, then kindly ask what do you mean by that exactly. If you meant by a homosexual male, I would love to respond with, "Yes, yes I am, now how may I help you?". And if you meant it by calling me a bundle of sticks, I would laugh because that makes no sense at all. See, not really an insult to me if the word means a homosexual male, since this is what I am as a human being. I think I have the right to take ownership and control over the word, and not accept the hate that comes with the definition of who I am. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word or the definition itself, so I will not let this word, that I believe has a beautiful meaning, be destroyed and used by society.

          I am not ashamed of my sexuality and I will stand my ground to stay true to my identity. I will not give up my power nor will I submit to society's attack against people like me through claiming the definition of this word. I refuse to give in to hate, so they no longer have the power to use the definition of who I am to attack me. I will claim my rights, my freedom, and my identity. This is me not allowing haters to hate, and not giving into their traps and their methods of hurting the LGBTQ community. 

          I am not afraid.

Editor: K.L.S