All day yesterday, I've been trying to get myself into a happier, more Christmasy mood. I listened to Christmas songs, I jumped into an one-zie, I wore a Santa hat with a Reindeer headband, I took cute selfies, and I wished everyone on social media a Merry Christmas. It definitely helped as I really don't want to be in a bad mood on Christmas. I even bought myself hair dye because I'm ready to change up my look for the new year. And I told my mom what I wanted for Christmas. (God please make her buy it for me... It's a pair of high heel boots.) I think I'll be alright, I'm feeling better.
So now I will explain what's up with this new guy. He and I started talking on Facebook a few days ago, he lives a little far away but not like crazy far. We met in a summer camp in grade seven, (Before I even came out as gay.) and we flirted for a few days. He told me that he is interested in me and he is a very sweet and nice guy. I am interested too to be honest, yet I'm a little afraid after what happened in grade ten with the asshole online... Now, I was a little disappointed because this guy asked for booty pictures. He is very respectful and sweet, and you know I don't think of these things as negative relationships. But, I just thought it was going a little fast and out of control. Though, I was desperate and interested, so I walked into this one with another set of hopes and expectations that I shouldn't have had. He haven't messaged me in a couple days now, and I couldn't help but to feel like I've done something wrong again. My friend said, "it's because you gave him what he wanted". And I couldn't help but wonder... Can this be possibly true ? Would a boy really try so hard and flirt with me for three days straight just to get two snaps of my butt ? Why !? Or maybe I'm just over thinking things again. It's Christmas time, he can be just really busy. And the thing is, because it's all online, I'll never know. Am I suppose to just keep myself waiting all anxious like this ? This isn't right, this isn't how I want to be...
I don't see online flings or trading pictures as a negative situation, yet maybe it's just not for me. I get way too emotionally involved and I just care too much. It's sad though, isn't it ? There's only ever been two boys in my life time that are interested in me, and both are online flings that wanted booty pics. One ended sadly with me hurt and self conscious, and this one I don't even know what's happening. But you know what, I deserve more. If I want a relationship, a real relationship, then I deserve one. I deserve to be not left hanging wondering when's the next time he will care about me again. I deserve to be taken seriously and i definitely deserve someone who will reply to my messages and texts. I deserve to be loved.
They aren't doing anything wrong though to be honest. This guy is perfectly fair and fine if this is all he wants (which I would totally understand and respect), but I want something more. I need something more. And I'm not going to feel sorry that I want something different. This Christmas, I'm giving myself a gift of self respect. I will love myself the way I want and deserve to be loved. Then I can finally be happy and feel loved, with myself, and by myself.
Merry Christmas, and NEVER be sorry for loving yourself, xoxo.
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