I Am... Transgender.

          It's all been repressed for so long, how am I suppose to know who I really am ? All my life, I've been trying to reach the concept of perfection, satisfying the world around me, and understanding the idea of self-love. How am I suppose to know what I want ? Maybe perhaps the answer is to stop asking these questions, and just try to catch that gut feeling, and live with that. It's funny, after learning so much about psychology and philosophy, I still can't seem to know who I am as a human being.

          I... Am... Transgender.

          Transgender. (adjective.) - denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender and/or sex.

          So Transgender is actually an umbrella term, so being Gender Fluid, Gender Queer, Demi-Girl...etc falls under the category of being Trans, yet I was just so afraid to use the big T word. There're just so many questions, so many doubts, so many stigmas, and so many stereotypes. Being Transgender does not have to be binary, it does not always include surgery, and sometimes not even hormone replacement therapy. I can change absolutely nothing physically and still label myself as Transgender. It's about who I want to be and who I want to be seen as. People need to understand this, because it's important, so so important.

          Looking back in my life, I've always aspire to be feminine, and I've only truly felt beautiful in women's wear. But then, I learned about gender philosophy, and I didn't want to be Trans because if I come out as Trans just because I'm feminine, aren't I submitting myself to the rules of gender that's constructed by our society ? Then I realized that I need to chill, like seriously, just because I learned about some philosophy, I can't expect myself to not be affected by society at all. I live in this society and I want to be a woman, the woman that was created by society. I know that being a woman does not equal to being feminine, but I think that I'm honestly just a feminine lady at heart. Plus, I want to grow my hair out ! When I was a kid, I made up this thing called "The Perfect Woman", I designed a look of a woman that I thought was the most beautiful version of a woman can be. Now looking back, maybe that's a woman that I myself wanted to be, and not meant for others. I am interested in hormone replacement therapy, but I don't think I'll need the bottom surgery. I'm doing my own research and finding resources and stuff, so don't worry ! It'll be a difficult path of life, but I really think that I'm strong enough, and this is what I want. 

          It's difficult for me to admit what I want, and to say who I want to be... I'm scared. I have to fight for so much, and me coming out as Gender Fluid felt like a social experiment. I dressed in womenswear 95% of the time and only a few of my friends know about me being actually Trans at heart. I told people that I didn't have a preferred pronoun, and I saw people choose. Some still see me as a man, even with makeup, even with dresses, why ? Is it just because that I was born with a penis ? And some chose to see me as a woman, why ? Because I'm wearing stereotypically what a female wears ? It was interesting, and I didn't know why I allowed myself to do that to myself. Because it created even more doubt, and even more hesitation to come out as Transgender. Learning and hearing others' views of who you should be ? It really messed me up a little.

          I don't think I pass though, and many probably don't think that I'm physically feminine enough to be a pretty woman. But I have to be happy, and I just have to be honest to myself, I owe that to myself. I say that I have no preferred pronouns but whenever people use "she/her", I just couldn't help but to smile, it really does warm up my heart, and I have to admit it. I may not be a pretty woman, but at least I'll be the most beautiful self I can ever be, my true self. Does it matter how much of a woman I want to become ? If I'm 50% man, 50% woman, I'll be Gender Queer ? If I'm 75% woman and 25% man, I'm Demi-Girl ? What matters is that I do feel like a woman, and I want the world to respect that.

          I... Am Transgender. I am a Woman. 

          At last, I may finally be Free. No more Tears, just Love.

Aspire to Inspire.

          School's Officially Out ! It's Summer time !!!

          This will be my first official summer without summer school, and I'm ready ! I'm really excited, I plan to do all sort of things: hang out with a few friends, go swimming, summer night movies, sleepovers, sleep ins, junk food...etc. Like come on, I'm single and I'm happy ! I'm even going back to the Christian Camp I went to last summer. 

          Also, I'm kind of teaching myself dance this summer... Well, I requested to join the dance class next year but since I have no dance background whatsoever, the dance teacher gave me a package to do as homework in the summer. The package includes a few dance research, anatomy, choreography assignments, and learning basic Jazz, Modern, and Ballet dance routines. It's a lot, and I'm scared, but excited too. I love dance and I've always love dancing. Now this is my chance. I know that Grade 12 isn't suppose to be an exploration year, but I have to, my school has an Arts program and I just have to give it a try. Maybe I'm not a good dancer and I have no potential at all, or maybe I'll actually love it and discover another new talent, we'll see !

          Anyway, to be honest, it's been a crazy month, especially for the LGBTQIAP+ community... After the incident that happened at the school council retreat, and the Orlando shooting, something else happened. In Art we had to get into partners and sculpt each other, my friend's clay bust of me was being displayed it the school and someone used a paint brush with yellow paint to dab into my eyes. I've always known that some people dislike me, but after everything this month, I kind of feel unsafe to be myself. But then, I picked myself up and you know what, I can't back down. I've decided to take up more space, I want to participate in any LGBTQ+ events I can find and I want to help spread love and awareness. I want to be an activist ! I aspire to inspire, and I have to be the one who speaks up and stands up for those who are silenced. I aspire to be strong, beautiful, confident, and happy.

          One more year of high school left, and I want to put it into good use. I want to keep myself busy, and I want to make my last high school year one of the best years in my whole life. But for now, I just need to dance, and enjoy my whole two full months of summer freedom !

Attention Seeker

          An attention seeker ? Asking for a reaction ? Why aren't we all ? Isn't the soul purpose of a social interaction seeking reactions from other human beings ?

          Attention: (noun) - notice taken of someone or something, the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important.

          Am I not a human being that's important enough to ask for your attention ? Are my emotions and concerns perhaps not interesting or important enough for your care and love ? Or are maybe my anxiousness, self-hating thoughts, and my troubling emotions just signs of annoyance to you ? Do you even care ?

          I understand that it can be repetitive, and sometimes annoying. I understand that others can be stressed, and also dealing with their problems. But it really hurts. To me, being seen or called as an attention seeker is worse than being called a faggot, fat, and ugly. It makes me feel like my emotions and anxiety are extra, and it erases the importance of my troubling mind. It makes me feel guilty, it makes me want to silence myself. But then I remember, if I keep quiet and suffer internally, people usually are even more concern, then isn't that also an act of attention seeking !? How should I act ? What should I say ? It just all adds on to my concern of interacting with others. 

         We all are attention seekers, then why am I shamed for being one ? I agree that some are more than others, but I think that instead of shaming them for needing love, care, and confirmation, why can't we look into more of why they need this ? And how we can help them ? To be honest, even though every human being is an attention seeker. I completely agrees that I was a very extreme one. I used to do it because I needed love, I needed confirmation, and approval from others. I was insecure, and I was mentally just very self-hating. But now, I'm different, and some people can't seem to see that I'm stronger and better now. Now if I'm having a rant and criticizing myself, it's because I just had a bad day and I don't want to internalize it. I could care less for your approval. So, stop and look at me now for who I am, not my actions and intentions two years ago.

          Just something to keep in mind, because at least for myself anyways, I never want anyone else to feel like their concerns and troubles are extra. Everything that we feel and think, are important. We need to value that, and respect that. 

Melancholy

          "Melancholy is a species of sadness, that arises when we open to the fact that life is inherently difficult, and that suffering and disappointments are core parts of an universal experience."

The School Of Life

          Often sadness makes a lot of sense, as we live on with our days on Earth. 

I sit silently, and I allow myself to drown into my thoughts. I stare into the clock, ticking. And I try to imagine time backwards. Remembering the times when we thought of life so innocently, the times where we could build our morals through the value of happiness, the times when we allowed ourselves to cry, to laugh, and to feel so purely, and so hopefully. 

          What happened ? Why did we stop ? 

If only we humans can have the answers to the questions and doubts of our happiness. If only we can really just stop, and look at the world around us. Such hate, such violence, when can it be stopped, and more importantly, how !? I drown myself into the state of melancholy, to understand that my suffering belongs to humanity in general. That it's not just about me, that it's unfair for every human being on Earth. Life isn't fair. 

People are suffering and there's nothing I can do. I voice my opinion, my morals, my support, but they're still suffering. I take actions, and I unit voices, but they're still hurting. 

          What can I do ? What can we do ? It's not enough. It'll never be enough.

          "The wisdom of the Melancholy attitude as opposed to the bitter, angry one, lies in the understanding that the sorrow isn't just about you, that you have not been singled out, that your suffering belongs to humanity in general. To take that fully to heart, is to become more compassionate and less vengeful."

The School Of Life

          I'm slowly walking deeper and deeper into the sea of pessimism. Many countries still sees homosexuality as an illegal act, and many places still won't allow Trans people to use the washroom in peace. A talented young woman, with her rise to stardom, shot at one of her concerts. A young man, rich and white, can still be supported after raping an unconscious girl, blaming the cause on alcohol. And now, during the month of Pride, a shooting killing fifty people, injuring fifty three others at a local Gay Club. The worst thing is, now ISIS wants to claim responsibility of this hate crime, causing more to support the act of racial profiling.

          We as a society are falling apart, but there is still hope. Nothing will ever be enough, but we need to keep trying. We need to make our voices heard and take actions. We need to stand up for what we believe in and take a stance for those who can't themselves. The beauty of Melancholy is that it teaches us how precious love and care are. It encourages us to become more aware, better people. We need to treasure our time, and love. We want to be more forgiving, kinder, and focus on those people and those things that really matter, while there's still time. 

          

Pride: Spreading Awareness

          It's June, Happy Pride Month !

          Be Yourself, Love Yourself, and Be Proud.

          Also, I've been accepted onto next school year's Student Council at my high school. I'm excited as I want to take my senior years at this school to really give back, I want to use my voice and role in the school to help spread awareness for the LGBTQIA+ community. I want those students to feel safe, happy, confident, and proud of who they are. 

          So those students who will be on next year's council are offered to all go to this overnight retreat to discuss about the school issues and plan the events for next year. With me being there, I wanted share my ideas of starting a few LGBTQ+ events in the school to spread awareness, and ironically, I have a story to share that happened at the retreat... I was given the choice of either rooming with the boys, or room alone. Now, I am not happy. First, right after of the meeting where this retreat is announced, I went to speak with the teachers in charge to ask about the rooming issue to see what's the most they can do and stuff. I was clear that I will be more comfortable if I room with the girls, but if there's issues, I can room with the boys. They said that they will need to check with the principle, days later, they told me to give them names for girls who are comfortable. I gave them a name, and I also went around to ask a few girls for their level of comfort. Now, the teachers only informed me the choices I had when we arrived at the camp. I expressed that I would rather room with the boys than being isolated. But right after, with me looking probably very upset walking among the boys to the cabin, the students in charge, two of our co-PMs for next year, arranged me to room the girls. They had found a room with a spare space and they checked with all the girls in that room to make sure that everyone is okay. So there, I was happy and the day went on with no problems at all, until a few minutes before lights out... The teacher came and told me that it wasn't the co-PMs' call, and he personally has no problem with it, it's just the order that he was given by the principle. He cleared out a room in the girl's hallway and made me sleep there alone. The girls tried to convince him to let me stay, but he said that they really can't, the rule is the rule, and he's just doing what he was told. Now, many are outraged, and many friends of mine think that it's just totally unacceptable, which is true. It's really not okay, but it happened...

          What was sad is that I couldn't sleep for a really long time because of how loud the other rooms were, I could clearly hear the girls laughing, chatting, and talking. Well, but I think I've really made this into a little lesson for myself. There were times during the night, that I wanted to go wake up the teacher and ask to be moved to the boys' cabin. I hated being isolated and treated like this, I wanted to be with people, and feel like I can have people to talk to. Yet, I forced myself to stay, I felt bad that this had turned into such a difficult situation for everyone and I didn't want to cause even more trouble. But I also wanted to take that night to reflect of why I wanted to be on Student Council, is to make a difference. I want to be the person to stand up for others when this happens to them, I want to be the person to take my experiences to put on the table for others to see that there is a problem. I want issues like this to be talked about, and I want everyone to get educated and be aware of the struggles that some LGBTQ+ students have to go through. 

          People ask why I'm not angry, and I think other than the fact that I want to use this to further pushes myself to be leader and be an activist instead of just causing a riot. It's because that I felt like I had no one to blame. The teachers were just doing their job, the other students tried their best to support me, and the principle said he's just standing by the school board's policies. And the thing I'm probably most upset is about how difficult it became, and I felt very disrespected when I was given the choice of either rooming with the boys or rooming alone. Like, what was the point of me giving the names and asking around to make sure that the girls were all comfortable ? My effort and my work were all basically useless then, because base on my knowledge, the teachers and the principles never talked to the girls, or the guys, or the parents of the students, to try to give me the chance of rooming with the girls. If they talked to the girls and some of them were uncomfortable, so they gave me the choice, I completely understand. But this is different, and they could have handle it much better. I am a victim of Transphobia, but sometimes it seems like there's nothing I can do to help myself when there's really no one to blame, and then issues like these are silenced. But no, we can do something about it. I've decided to contact with an adult working in the school board to double check on the policies and to ask what I can do with issues like this. Because it's not about me, it's about everyone else in the LGBTQIA+ community as well. And we need to take a stance. 

          Pride month is about celebrating who we are and our differences, but it's also a time to take a moment to spread awareness. Acknowledge that there are issues and problems, and we need to do our part to help those who can't stand up for who they are. Pride is also about respect, it's about to respect everyone's identity, who they are and who they want to be. Be an ally, educate yourselves. It is not our job to explain to you the process of transitioning, and the definitions of gender queer, asexuality, pansexuality...etc. If you truly care, you should do your own homework, then ask questions to further sympathize and support. And never never be ignorant. A heterosexual/cisgender person should not impose their idea of what gender is and what a relationship should be onto another's identity/relationship. It really shouldn't be a difficult process, you listen, you appreciate, you respect, you educate yourselves, and you understand. Some of us will never be able to empathize, but what we can do is to respect everyone, celebrate and love who they are, and support the community.