Dear Anxiety...

          Dear Anxiety, I Love You.

          Dear Anxiety, I Hate You.

          It's becoming more and more difficult, to not feel anxious in this world. It seems so hard, to survive in this modern society these days. There can be so much motion, so much drama, so much happening, not only in our minds, but in our everyday lives, with all the others surrounding us. There's sometimes just so little time and so little space for us to breath. And we need that, we really do. We need time to think, to heal, to just slow down, and collect ourselves.

         I'm naturally an over-thinker, and I feel a great amount of anxiety from time to time. I get stressed, and upset by the stuff I constantly cram into my head. I'm often unable to stop my thoughts, this causes me to not being able to sleep on many nights. It's partly why I look into Philosophy. Yes, it's true, that doesn't stop the thinking. Yet, it helps me to organize my thoughts. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop being the way I am with my over-thinking, but at least now, I get to think clearly, with organized thoughts. Philosophy doesn't give me answers, it gives me more questions. But Philosophy gives me a path to ask questions, I don't feel alone, I feel guided. I feel like I'm not just lost in my questions and stress anymore, I'm gaining the sense of direction.

          And when I get busy, when I get stressed, and when I get too out of control, Philosophy has taught me to look into nature. Nature is my medicine. It may be cheesy, but the trees, the clouds, the water, the breeze, they all are great ways for us to focus on, and to help us humans put ourselves into a bigger perspective. We are just people. We are tiny little creatures compared to the nature surrounding us on Earth. We're all just here, trying our best to live the life that we are given. We're all just trying to survive. No matter who we are, we are just people. I tell myself, that I'm this one person, out of the other 7 billion people on Earth. My thoughts, my worries, my feelings, are not that much, it doesn't matter, it'll be okay. I'll just have to survive today. Just today, then tomorrow, then another day...etc.

          A sense of humbleness, a sense of selflessness, letting ourselves strip away our own identities, letting us to connect with the rest of the world. We are just, human beings. That's all we are, and we're all in this together, just trying to live, and survive...

Who Is He ?

          I wonder, if he questions his own identity.

          I wonder, if he knows who he is, and what he wants.

          I wonder, if he reflects on the past.

          I wonder, if he learns from the present and the world around him.

          I wonder, if he fears of his own future.

          I don't know him, nor does he himself.

          He's a liar, he pretends, and he fakes. He arm himself with lies, seemingly proud of his attitudes and his problems. Yet I know. I know that he cares more than anyone else, and that he tries harder than anyone else to be liked and admired. He thinks he's smart, but he's really not. Not enough at least. I've been playing the game for years, and I've been winning. I've always been winning. And he knows that.

          Maybe he's just been lying to himself, because you know, the first step to being a good lair, is to convince yourself. He musts know, he has to. That's how the anger is created. He builds himself up way high up into the sky with his pride, knowing he has nothing to be proud for, yet he's already too proud to admit that... So once someone shows him the reality of who he really is, he falls, into the ground, hard. Getting up with anger and ready to fight back, ready to create more lies, to try to stay in the game. His game was always to compete with me, for the love and care that we both very much deserve equally. But I've chose to quit the game a long time ago, and I've been in a game with myself for a while now. Yet he's still playing...

          I love him, and I care for him. It's not fair that he's this way, and again, I don't know him enough. Maybe I don't even have the right to judge, but I seriously wonder, if he knows... It's our fault, we've destroyed, and just when we're ready to move on, he's left there, helpless. It's just been so long now, I doubt that we can start over, it'll be just too painful for us to open up to each other again. I guess, we'll just have to love and care for each other secretly, behind the lies, behind the anger, behind the hate, behind the silence, behind the stares, and behind the game...

          But, who is he ?

          It doesn't matter, he's beautiful, and he's trying. Like the rest of us, he's just trying to survive, survive the life that's given to him. 

How To Be Single 5.0 - Take Care

          Sometimes, being Single becomes a choice. 

          Sometimes, you choose to be alone. 

          Sometimes, a relationship just isn't working...

          It's not them, and it's definitely not you either. Sometimes life gives us an opportunity to fall in love, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. No one did anything wrong, so no one's angry, but then all we have here is the feeling of sadness and regret. It's times like these, that really define our strength and willpower. We need to do what's best for us, even though it might hurt the feelings of others. We need to have the ability to walk out, out of a relationship, out of someone's embrace. We need to force ourselves to let go of their hands, let go of that support, let go of that warmth, and still having the strength to stand on our own. We need to be strong. 

          This is a time, where being Single, can be very empowering. You've chose to be Single, you needed this, and you have to stand by your choice. Being Single is not just about ending a path, no, life keeps going. You're just taking a turn, and onto a new destination. Being Single is not about being alone, it's about having more time now to learn about yourself, help yourself, discover who you are and what you want. Take pride of this loneliness, and know that you'll treat yourself better.

          How To Be Single 5.0:

Taking Care of Yourself, is the least yet the best thing you can do, not only for Yourself, but for Them. Let them know that you'll be okay, don't let them worry. Let them go, let them move on. Take the memories, take the love, leave it on a good note, and give each other, the most beautiful blessing you can give. You've both learned so much, gained so much, cared so much, and loved so much. It's tiring, be proud, and take a break. It'll all be okay.

Stay Fabulous, xoxo

Love Clinic 5.0

          I've always found it interesting to think of the fact that it needs both individual to bring a relationship to life, yet it'll only take one to end it... Love is an ocean, that drowns us all. Losing control, letting the waves of emotions swarm us in and out, in and out... again, again, and again. There's no escape.

          Love 501 : Sometimes Love's just Not Enough...

          We're so fixed on the idea of love: the eternal love, and the unconditional love. Yet sometimes, it's not forever, it's not pretty, nor is it unconditional. And that's the thing about love, it drowns us in and make us forget about reality. But then just when you're finally happy and at peace, a wave comes and slams you into a rock, setting you back into the harsh reality. Love is cruel, and painful. I've always known, nothing can be that beautiful. Sometimes, love is just not enough, not enough to be happy. But as human beings, we'll be forever on the quest of finding love, and longing for that love. We'll get better, and heal. Then, we'll find the courage to trust the ocean again, to walk our way into the cool, peaceful water, relaxing ourselves, and hoping, and dreaming for the love story we've been waiting for. That's life.

          Break Up 501 : Gone.

          It's over, it's really over. Is it really ? That's it ? But how ? Why ? Why me ?

He/She is gone. The answers are too gone. Break Ups can leave us, wondering, and thinking, for days and nights. But we will never really know, or will we truly understand, because we still love. It's not over for us, so we can sometimes never understand why or how it is for them. We can just sit here, and question ourselves, question reality, question the memories, and question the feelings. It's painful, it's difficult, and it feels like the end. But life moves on, and you know you have to as well. All you need to do, is survive today, and tomorrow, survive another day. All you need to do, is get yourselves through the day. That's strong enough, that's brave enough, that's enough for now. You, are enough. You, will get better, and you'll be okay. Everything will be okay.

I'm Not Aggressive.

          I was Tired, but I'm Angry.

          Many people don't want to admit that they have privileges, but I'm here to "shove it in your faces". Yes, white privileges exist, wealth privileges exist, straight privileges exist, skinny privileges exists, cis privileges exist, and male privileges exist as well. Having privileges DOES NOT mean that you're ignorant, lazy, nor does it mean that you're not open-minded. No. But not admitting to have these privileges and getting defensive when people from an oppressed group is trying to stand up for themselves and their movements, that's ignorant. That's being close-minded.

          I have met many women in my life, that had been taught to feel smaller, take up smaller spaces, speak quieter, talk softly, sit like a lady...etc. That's not equality. No. I've also met many men in my life, that had been taught to be aggressive, to have fragile egos and pride, to do whatever they want, to take up more space, and can't show their vulnerability. That's problematic and unfair to men as well. And I, as a Transgender individual, had been taught to not exist. I have been taught to erase my identity and to hide myself, I have been taught to not take up space. But here I am.

          No, I am not aggressive. You're being defensive. Think about it. People asks for Heterosexual Pride, when the LGBTQIAP+ community is fighting for their rights. People asks for #AllLivesMatter, when the Black community is fighting for their lives. People asks for Men Rights, when Women are fighting for Gender Equality. Maybe the next time you feel uncomfortable that I'm speaking up about a social issue that clearly impacts me, reflect on why and how you feel uncomfortable. Do you have privileges ? Maybe it's not about my delivery, maybe you're just ignorant. We society have so much internalized sexism, transphobia, racism...etc, but I'm not blaming you for those issues. I will only blame you, when you ignore the fact that my people have been suffering and struggling. Because when you think that I'm being aggressive and angry, you're not listening to my cause and my voice, you're focusing on how offended you are. And I'm only angry, because of your ignorance, because of your lack of understanding your privileges.

          So am I being crazy ? Maybe. But you've caused me to be this way. And you know what, people have the right to be angry. People are dying, people are struggling, people are suffering. We're angry for a reason, we're tired. We want to be heard.

I'm Tired...

          Being a Woman, is Tiring...

          

          I don't really know what to say, but just that I'm really tired. And it's sometimes difficult to not feel alone in times like this. Because really, how many people can understand, relate, or know how to comfort me ? Who can make things better ? What can make things better ? There's nothing I can do, or undo. It's just reality.

          Am I really Transgender ? What's even Gender ? What makes a Man, and what makes a Woman ? How do I know if I'm a Woman ? Am I Feminine enough ? What defines Femininity ?

          I just need all of you, to just realize that this will be my life. This is my reality. I will forever have to fight for my identity. I will always have to wonder, if I'm "womanly" enough, if I'm passing. I'll have to hear people misgender me, I'll have to question my identity, I'll have to educate people, even my closest friends on LGBTQ+ issues, and I'll always have to fight to be seen as a female. It was really difficult for me to come out, and say that I'm a Transgender Woman, because it's difficult to be a woman. By being a woman, I'm submitting myself into the standards and rules of Gender. What if I still have a penis ? What if I don't shave my legs or armpits ? What if I keep wearing menswear ? What if, I'm not the woman that society needs me to be ? Am I still the woman I want to be ? It's tiring, and stressful, to have to wake up every single day, to think, and to question myself. I just want to live, and be happy... 

          Being a Transgender woman does not forces me to be an Advocate, but this society does. I have to fight for the LGBTQIAP+ community, and for other women as well. People asks me questions, sometimes offensive questions, people are ignorant, people are uneducated, people are curious...etc. And I just want to make it clear, that I don't owe you, or anyone anything. I don't owe you an education, I don't owe you an answer, I don't owe you an evidence of my identity, I don't owe you proof of my existence, and I don't owe you time to process the things that I've said over and over and over again. I am, me. I am not my identity, and many people can not see me past a Transgender Woman, or a Feminist. If you're really an Ally, then you would've done your own research, and then come to have a DISCUSSION with me. Not to seek Answers from me.

          You know, I can never do it. I can never just get surgery to have a vagina, leave this town, and start a new life as a cis-gendered woman. I will never, I can't. I love all stages of my life, and it has helped shape the person that I am today. I also, want to be an advocate. I want to help, and inspire others. But it's all just getting so much, and I'm actually shocked on how little even some of my friends know about the LGBTQ+ issues. It also hurts to see some of the people I know, to dismiss or to show little care or concern towards social issues that directly impacts me, and my life. It's truly a journey, but I'm just really sick and tired.

          And you know what, just be respectful. Like honestly, put yourselves in my shoes and just try to think. I don't owe it to you to solve your concerns or problems with the needs or rights of LGBTQIAP+ people. As a plus-sized, transgender woman, a person of colour, a former victim of bullying, sexual violence, family violence, and being in a immigrant family with a history of mental illnesses, I think that I have enough experiences, and I certainly know what I'm talking about.

          So, please. Listen to me, and Respect me.

          Do Not question my identity, my experiences, or my requests. 

          

          

A Love Letter to Women:

          Dear Women, I See You.

          Dear Women, I Hear You.

          Dear Women, I Love You.

          Dear Women, I Respect You.

          I am a Transgender Woman, yet I can never truly understand... Because I don't go through the struggles of Womanhood. I can never empathize. I can only listen, and be there, for my fellow girls.

          All my life, I've seen women struggle. I've seen my mother cry, I've seen my mother stressed, I've seen my mother lonely, and I've witnessed my mother blossoming into a strong, independent woman. I've seen girls cry, I've seen girls being disrespected, I've seen my girl friends' voices being silenced, I've seen girls' power being stripped away, I've heard girls suffer from non-consensual hyper-sexualization, I've seen girls slut-shamed, I've seen girls suffer from the fear and anxiety of pregnancy, I've seen girls struggle with self-love, I've seen girls starve themselves, I've seen girls harm themselves, and I've personally had the honor to know many survivors of sexual assault, violence, and rape. It is truly an honor, to have so many great women surrounding me in my life. And now, I've came out as a Transgender Woman, but I still can never claim to understand or know. I will never understand, a Woman's Work.

          A Woman needs a Man. But a Woman doesn't need a Man's comfort, a Man's protection, a Man's wisdom/knowledge, nor does a Woman need a Man's opinion/approval. What a Woman needs, is a Male Ally. We Women sometimes need Men's understandings, and for them to be allies, and to stand side by side with us. And I personally, can never truly stand in a Woman's shoes, to fight their battles for them. So in this case, I can be a Man. I'll be that Man, that Ally, that Support, whenever a Woman needs one. I'll be a Woman's Man.

          I am a Transgender Woman.

          I am a Feminist.

          I am a Male Ally.

How To Be Single 4.0 - Almost.

          I was almost there. I've been single for about... How long ? Oh yeah, all my life. But I really almost made it. I was almost there.

          I was almost a strong, independent, happy, single human being. I've been so busy and all over the place lately that I've not even thought about boys. I haven't had a single crush in months and I was so happy that I don't feel that lonely anymore. But then, the summer began, and I'm all guy crazy again. Boys CAN NOT compliment me, or check me out. Let me tell you, once a guy compliments me or kinda flirt with me, I don't even know how, but I just suddenly lose all control. My emotions are everywhere, and I just sink into their dick sand. But no, I have to put myself together. I can not have another crush on a straight boy again, and I will not allow myself to be miserable, and desperate ever again.

          But it doesn't really work that way does it ? I can't control my feelings, especially when I'm a lonely teenager. Feelings, are something we all wish we have control over. Yet, if you think about it, life wouldn't be as great, and humans wouldn't be as beautiful without such extreme, and diversed emotions. That's the beauty of our nature, our emotions. So what ? Shall I just allow myself to again sink into my feelings for my crush ? People tell me that it's fine, "you won't see him in the summer", "you won't see him ever again !"...etc. If we know anything about having a crush that walks out of your life, it'll be that it sucks. And it just slowly becomes this desperation. I would just end up going through my memories to feed on my feelings for him. Remember Starbucks dude ? It sucks. It can be pathetic too... I can't go back.

          How To Be Single 4.0:

I think that, at the end. We need to remember that we human beings can never be truly alone. We are social beings, we long for love, attention, and we care for each other. Learning how to be single and trying to be an independent person, is really just so we are still able to have a sense of who we are, and so that we can still think for ourselves and self-love. We want to be able to feel happy alone, and fulfilled even when there's no one there. That's the journey of How To Be Single. But we need to relax, we need to let ourselves go a little. We still need to dare ourselves to love, and pour our hearts out to the world. Maybe I'm crushing on a guy, or maybe I'm in a relationship. But I'll forever be Single. I will be an individual, I am my own person.

Stay Fabulous, xoxo

Toronto Pride 2016

          It was my first time to attend a Pride event, and I was set free.

          Toronto Pride 2016, I made my way to the big city for the big celebration to end the month of Pride, the Pride Parade. I didn't know what to expect, and I was excited yet nervous as well. The media, the news, and the concerns of many parents have made me feel a little unsettling. After Orlando, most of my friends' parents are very concerned and scared to let them go to Pride with me. Yet I knew that I had to go. I have to. It's because of what happened, plus the fact that I've kind of came out just a few days ago with the preferred pronoun of "She/Her", that I need to attend Pride.

          I've read articles about Pride, saying how it's now used for companies, organizations to advertise and market themselves, and how it's not very body positive, also not very kid-friendly...etc. Well, I didn't feel that at all ! Maybe it was because that it's my first Pride, but I felt home. I felt welcomed, I felt free, and I felt happy. As a plus-size teenager, I was able to feel beautiful even just wearing a bralette, letting my stomach hang out. I saw in the parade, people advocating for Trans Pride, Bisexual Pride, Asexual Pride, the Black Lives Matter movement, as well as Body Positivity, and Parents, Friends, and Family Allies of the LGBTQIAP+ community. And of course, we all showed our support for Orlando, spreading awareness for the Latino/a/x LGBTQ+ community, and fighting against Islamophobia. It really is life-changing. For the first time ever, I really felt proud to be Canadian. And I came to the realization, that Pride isn't just for the LGBTQIAP+ people, it's really just about Love. To Love, Accept, Respect, and Celebrate.

          I am just so proud to be who I am, knowing that there's so many others just as special and different, and the love and support we have for each other in this community. We are a family. And I've never felt stronger, and more happy, comfortable in my own skin. At Pride, everyone used "She/Her", and people called me a lady and girl. People actually saw me as a female ! I pass ! I actually pass !!! It just makes my little heart so warm and fuzzy. I'm no longer scared, I feel powerful. I will not feed fear into violence, hatred, and judgement. I will stand tall, and proud.

          I went to Pride thinking that I need to wear my Pride, but now...

          Now I feel my Pride, and I will love it, cherish it, and live my everyday with it.

P.S. I SAW Justin Trudeau ! TRUDADDY !!! <3

Love Clinic 4.0 - Crushes

          Crushes. (countable noun.) - an informal feeling of love or admiration for someone, often someone you know you can not have a relationship with.

          We all have crushes, and we can't really control them. We are attracted to certain people, and sometimes no matter how much we repress those feelings, we know deep down, that we want them. It's fascinating how little we can know about our crushes, yet still developing these complicated, beautiful feelings for them. It's the attractions to their smallest details, that makes it even harder for us to stop. It's a fantasy. It truly is, because we forget, we forget the possibilities of their flaws, faults, and mistakes. We are blinded by our feelings, and we no longer see them just as another human being. It's a pre-stage of love I would say, shallow, cheap, and fiction.

          Love 401 - Crushes : Grow Up !

          Most crushes don't get the chance to blossom into a relationship, and when it does, it grows and matures. We have to actually get to know the person, and learn about their flaws. That's how love grows. And we can never have a meaningful relationship unless we grow up, and stop letting our fantasies blind our sense of logic. We need to have the desire to want to know about that person. We need to sometimes turn off our imagination, to set ourselves back into reality, with that person.