Daddy Issues, or in a more sophisticated academic language: "Father Complex", it's a group of unconscious associations or impulses to the image/archetype of a father. Many psychological studies have been done that includes this complex, such as reports/theories by Freud and Jung...etc. Now, I find myself with "Daddy Issues", do you ? Or is it "Mommy Issues" that you carry ?
My father, a "former" alcoholic (some say that once an addict, always an addict), did not come with us when we left Taiwan. He became an addict due to his business, as he needed to drink socially with clients even when he's super lightweight and would get wasted every time. He then started drinking out of stress... but my father was and is a good man. He is kind, and generous, and super friendly. He's personality is so easygoing, I don't know anyone who doesn't like him. Most who know him will only describe him in one word: "Nice". He is nice, yet still a human after all. He just represses all of the negativity, unpleasantness, anger, disappointments...etc deep within him. And when he's drunk, those demons get unleashed. The negativity became him, and it's scary, he became abusive, physical, and violent... It's almost like he's not the same person. But it's just a toxic cycle, as after, when he gets sober, he feels guilty of his actions and words when he was drunk, and he tries even harder to be nice and represses all negative aspects of him. It amazes me how someone is so capable of controlling their emotions yet has no way of regulating and resolving them...
He didn't come with us because of his business, he's a workaholic as he needs to constantly feel validated and his determination to be successful is... admiring yet very concerning. I don't blame him for choosing work over family, because I'm the same. I want to be successful, I want to be validated, I want to be somebody. So I get it, it just sucks because he started the business the same time my mother got pregnant. It was just bad timing... But that's not the only reason, he also didn't come with us because of guilt. He didn't feel like he was a good father. He didn't know how to raise his children. He was scared, and lost, and frustrated. I used to blame him, but I don't anymore as I no longer feel like I need a "father figure" in my life. To me, he's now just a provider, a person who works his butt off and sends money to us so we can live here in Canada. I am grateful and I have so much respect for him, but unfortunately, I no longer have an emotional connection with him. And I no longer desire a "normal" relationship with him... I feel like a horrible child, and the truth is that I am. Yet what can I say ? It's been too long, I left Taiwan at the age of 9 ! And he just comes to visit once every two years, only staying about 2 weeks every time. Every time he comes, we'll spent time together and just when I feel like I'm finally getting to know him more, he leaves. I'm sorry if I seem cruel, but I'm done. I don't need this. I love him on an appreciation and respect level, but there just isn't much feelings involved. Plus, we had a rough patch as he's quite traditional and did not take me coming out as Transgender well...
I feel bad, as I can see how much he cares for this family, how much he has sacrificed, how much effort he puts into his work to provide for us, but I really don't know what to do... Maybe our relationship will get better in future, yet I doubt it.
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