Body Positivity Part 2 - Health v.s. Plus Sizes

          Okay. I just have to settle this. I know that it seems that I never stop talking about plus sizes, self-love, beauty standards...etc. But I am concerned when all the images of girls online are 70 percent size twos, 20 percent size fours and 10 percents zeroes when I try to find pictures to go with my blog pieces. And I want to defend for myself a little here. I am not promoting a lazy lifestyle with bad eating habits, and I am not promoting obesity.

          To me, being fit and being a small sized person are two very different things. Honestly, I know it seems like excuses using the different body types, bone sizes, and metabolisms stuff, but I do think there is such thing as different body types. I think that if your weight is getting to a point where it's affecting your health and your ability to move, you may consider to change something or see if there's anything you can do to be healthier. But I do understand that many have eating disorders which I've struggled with so I usually never judge a person's health just by their weight and size. I mean, if you're losing weight and working out for the right reasons, then go ahead, you do you. But I don't think that restricting yourself from food and being obsessed with a size goal is healthy either. Trust me, I've been there.

          It just doesn't feel right to say that a size is the ideal look for humans and we have to be that size to be happy and healthy. I'm healthy and I'm a plus size, but I still want to lose weight and work out to be fit. I do struggle with binge eating when I'm upset and hating on my body so I know it's difficult. And the last thing I want to hear about is how I'm not healthy enough. I don't even want to start how the majority of pictures online of girls are with thigh gaps. Like if you have it, good for you, but it shouldn't be a goal for women when it's rare and unreachable. So I much appreciate how butts are more popular now as it is possible for women and girls to have a curvy body and be proud of what they look like. And if you're not curvy, you're still perfect just the way you are.

          Health is important, but self-hate is one of the most unhealthy thing most people do without even noticing. We all should be able to feel beautiful no matter what our sizes are and just be who we want to be and look the way we want to. 

Body Positivity Part 1 - Swimwear v.s. Plus Sizes

          A few weeks ago, I was at the mall with my girls and they somehow convinced me to try on a women's swimming suit. I looked around and I chose an one piece black suit to try on. My friends promised me not to take any pictures and it would be just a laugh between us. So I came out in it and I was not happy at all on how I looked. I was very angry that two of them took pictures and according to one of them, the other one posted it on her snap chat story. They all laughed and said that it actually looked fine, but it definitely didn't feel fine.

          Many of my girl friends have told me that they hated bikini shopping and wearing swimwear. I understood that it must not be a comfortable thing for people to do if they don't feel very happy with their body. But I never thought it could be this horrible. For most men, swimwear is basically shorts and sometimes a swim shirt, but it's still just shorts and shirts. For women, it's a whole different design, cut and pattern. 

          What I've found is that most women's swimwear are designed for small sizes. They have big sizes but it's basically just the small size's design stretched out. That's wrong as bigger people don't look good because those clothes aren't designed for them. The stretching out method may work on many other clothing, but not swimwear. My mother have always told me that "skinny people can wear anything", well obviously bigger people can't look good in clothes because these designers aren't thinking about how these designs will look on bigger sizes. I understand that this is what the Fashion Industry does, sample sizes 2 and 4 and anything bigger is the factory's work. But bigger people deserves just as much attention and effort. I just can't imagine what girls go through these days in those change rooms. Plus sizes now in the fashion industry are size 12 to 24, and some fashion idiots think that plus sizes should be from size 8 and up. I don't care about fitness and health right now, I just think that a bigger size shouldn't be a label and  and means a lower level of attention and effort. 

          I know it would be difficult to alter every design for bigger sizes, but it's our job as designers to make all people feel beautiful. I have problems drawing bigger sizes because I have problems with my own size. It's just difficult when all my Fashion books and magazines are with women with sizes 2 to 4. I really do believe that all sizes deserves fashion, but my drawings say the opposite. I think it's wrong seeing women changing themselves to fit into fashion. We need to remember that we own the clothes, the clothes don't own us. Always wear a bigger attitude than your shoes, that's how you not letting fashion overpower you.

          Why should sample sizes be 2 and 4 anyway ? I don't think the default size for us humans is a size 2. Because all humans comes in different sizes and shapes, and they're beautiful just the way they are. 

He and She Part 2 - The Answer

          Alright. So I've really thinking about it, researching and learning about this topic. And I want to be completely honest. I am not taking time to choose who I want to be. I am trying to understand who I am and this is not a choice. I believe that we're born this way in our own very special way, so just because I may be confused, it doesn't mean I have choices. Because after all, don't we just want to be who we really are ?

          I've always been weirdly feminine I would say. I remember when I was like 5, I used to tuck my little penis under and try on my mother's dresses when my parents were gone. I stopped as I learned what is "acceptable" and I used to pretend that I'm a mermaid princess everyday. I loved swimming as a child and I still do whenever I go swimming. I lived near a community pool back then and I swam everyday. I was obsessed with mermaids and I was convinced I am one. This didn't really concerned me until my best friend showed me a documentary about a transgender little girl loving mermaids and many research on how many transgender children loves the idea of mermaid. The idea of not having what's down there. I began to connect things in my head and it was just a little too much for me. Now, I know I've been bringing a lot of my secrets into public, but I just really want to be honest. I want to just tell myself that these are not embarrassing, in fact, a lot of other people probably have questions too.

          I've met up with one of my best friends and talked about this and I found that I may even be a "Demi-girl" that she introduced. There's so many gender labels, it's not just boy or girl anymore. And that moment, I knew this is all too much for me and I will not and can not spend over months researching and questioning anymore. I now have my answer. My answer is... who the fuck cares !? I think that these labels and fancy names with complicated science definitions are making my head hurt and even more confused. I don't want this. Even being gender fluid where you can't be labeled or be tied to one label has a label, scientific name and wiki page ! And to be honest, I still have mix feelings about how there's more than just male and female.

          It's not that I don't believe that one can be neither male or female. But I think we humans are just way too intelligent and egotistical. We think we know everything and we want to know everything. But I don't think that's always necessary. In my opinion, I believe that there will be more and more these gender labels because we humans will just not stop. The second someone discover themselves as something unique and new, we want to define it and label it to make sure it's accepted and understandable by the rest of society. But no. How about we just let people be who they are and let them define who they are ? How about we just be people ? People is a label that brings us all together and not separate us dividing us into groups. I will no longer worry about what my label is or what I am, because if I just keep living and doing the things I love and love the people I want to love, aren't I being myself enough ? We don't need this. All we need to learn is to accept that we are all the same yet different, and that's what makes this world beautiful.

He or She Part 1 - Questioning

          I think I have to clear something up here. I am a man and I'm quite comfortable with my body parts as a male. I love fashion, and I do believe that fashion should not have limits. But. But you see, I've been struggling to figure who I am as a person. Not my sexuality though, I know I like men and I'm through with that. But my gender identity. I am one of the most feminine boys I know and I do love drag. Is it possible that I will feel more comfortable as a female if I'm already comfortable with being a male !?

          I have been quite open minded about gender identity lately. I usually don't mind if people call me a "she" or see me as a female, because I do understand that I wear heels and act femininely like calling myself a queen. After all, it's just a word, a label. But I do have to admit that gender plays a very important part of who we are and I just want to know who I am. I thought I'm done with just coming out as gay and now this ? It really takes a life time to learn how to live doesn't it ?

          Anyway, I think I can go by both for now, so never feel like you may call me by a wrong gender. I love both genders and all I know right now is that I don't want to have sex with one of them. And I am still scared. Transgenders and queers are still not very accepted in our society and I really don't want more conflicts with my family. I think it really takes strength to know who you are and courage to be who you are. I could be just another gay in drag in the future, who knows ? But I think one of the most difficult times out there is when you're still questioning and even you don't know who you are as a person yet in this world. When we look into our reflections, we should recognize who that person is in front of us and we should feel comfortable and happy. But I'm just here simply don't know. I was scared to tell anyone this for a while because I don't want it to be like a false alarm, but I think I need to show people that it is okay to question yourself and want to explore who you really are. I don't care about the pronouns, gender expectations, which bathroom I uses...etc, I just want to be who I am inside completely and not question my existence.

          I will try more things with my appearances to really explore and see what makes me happy when I look at myself. But I just really think that I need to make this clear since I know a lot of people at school seriously thinks I want to be a female now which is fine, but it's still a maybe. Plus, wouldn't I be a pretty girl !?

The Reason to Keep Going

          I actually have many moments where I've wanted to just stop writing and delete my blog. Sometimes I asked myself, why am I doing this ? It felt like no one really cares about this and people maybe didn't want to read my blog. But then I remind myself that I started to write for myself and that's what I need to keep doing. It would be a little sad if no one is interested in reading what I've got to offer, but what's really upsetting is me needing people's approval to continue my interest. So I kept on writing...

          I usually get a little uncomfortable when people read my blog in front of me. I think it really is a personal thing yet it's so public online. I try to be completely honest with my life on here and I just hope that through this, people can see who I really am. I am not confident at all and I'm very insecure. I sometimes put on this sassy self and attitude around school but I really just want to protect myself. And I do have an emotional side, times where I'm very serious, and times where I make mistakes. I find that a lot of people don't see me for who I really am. And I try not to judge people base on just what others see in them as I know that there can be so much more that they're hiding. I really like writing, because I feel like I can put all sides of me into words and just write about my feelings.

          It's also an escape. An escape from judgement and seeing what others think of me. I think we all need a reason to keep going in life and doing what we do, and our reason should be the freedom of being ourselves and loving ourselves. It can be difficult to show all sides of us even to our closet friends, so writing is my method to freedom. And that's also why I don't like to edit my blog. I can be very lazy some days, but I also like it raw and unedited. It's basically just me writing about how I feel about the tpic I'e chosen and I'm free from judgments even coming from myself.

          This blog is raw, full of emotions and grammar mistakes, and most importantly. It's me.