Lust & Love.

          Lust - a strong sexual desire.

          Lust and Love often act as one, and it produces the sexuality of one being. The balance of two is important. It helps us in relationships, to create the sense of intimacy, and security physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I want to address that, having lustful thoughts and sexual desires is not wrong, it's part of humanity. Yet what's truly unacceptable, is to set your moral reasoning on the irrational thoughts of lustfulness. Lust needs control, it needs understanding, and logical restrictions and respect. That's where love comes in. To control and balance out the wildness of lust, we need the emotional sympathy and compassion of love.

          I believe that lust can be just as important in a relationship as well, it also can develop the sense of mental and emotional bond that love tends to do. Lust isn't always about sex, it can be the comfortability of our bodies, it's about showing another wild, uncensored side of us human beings. It brings us closer, letting us understand that we can also be loved and accepted, even when we have these dirty, and embarrassing thoughts. We get to feel like our desires and fantasies are not judged, and are respected.

          Lustfulness can also help us with our insecurities. We start to feel sexy in bodies, and we all deeply want to desired. We want to be loved, and we want to be accepted. Our sexuality allows us to explore such intimacy and create such bonds with other bodies, souls, and minds. And of course, everyone's combination of lust and love is different, and some people's lustfulness does not come directly from sex. Sexiness is subjective. I just think that we need to start looking at sex differently. We need to explore our sexuality, and learn how to protect, pleasure, and care for our bodies. Our bodies are so tightly linked to our mental and emotional state, it's a big part of life.

          Instead of repressing a natural, beautiful part of human beings. We should start learning about who we are as an individual, not just mentally, but physically. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being sexual, yet of course we still need to know the importance of respect and consent. So, start exploring, be respectful, and be safe. 

How To Be Single 3.0 - The Pros & Cons

          The debate on whether it is better to be in a relationship or to be single is endless. Yet we need to understand that if we think logically, we will come to an understanding that there will always be something better. We humans often desire of the things we don't or can't obtain. That, is the art of desire.

          And with being single, there often seem to be more cons than pros. Why ? Because we think about the loneliness, and the lack of care and love we could receive. Yet that is not entirely true. I think that it's often the same in a relationship. In a romantic relationship, you can still feel alone whenever he/she/they can't give you the attention that you crave for, and you can still feel unloved whenever he/she/they aren't loving you the way you need to be loved. I've came to notice, that often in opposite situations, the outcomes can be similar in a way. Single or not, there will be struggles, because that's just part of life.

          I think that even though there may not be as many pros for being single, but the pros are more valuable than the pros in a relationship. When you're single, you can understand the sense of self much clearer. You can choose for what's best for you, and develop the sense of understanding who you really are and what you really want. I find that most humans are actually not sane enough for a relationship. Why ? Because we don't know ourselves. If we get into relationships not knowing what we want, when the time comes to be alone again, we will not only lose a relationship, we will lose ourselves.

          How To Be Single 3.0:

Treasure the advantages of being single, and learn from them. Use this opportunity to really understand yourself. Know who you are and know what you want. Develop your thoughts, your personality, your interest, your morality, your believes. Become the person you want to be, because you won't have to compromise who you are with anyone. Just be you.

Stay Fabulous, xoxo

Til It Happens To You

          So I know I'm a little late, but April is the S.A.A.M. a.k.a. Sexual Assault Awareness Month. And I want to talk a little bit of my own personal experience also to inform about this serious social issue. Sexual Assault: "A crime of power and control. The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include: Penetration of the victim's body, also known as rape. Attempted rape."

          I was not raped, but I was not just "bullied". Yet, I much rather remember it as just being bullied. I was about eleven years old, it was only six years ago, and yet I can barely remember it. See, my life before coming to Canada was a living hell, and I really can't remember much of them except the big events. Maybe I blocked them out of my memory on purpose, or maybe I just have really bad memory...

          I'm not sure if I want to write about what happened just yet, or ever. But the important thing is for everyone to understand that, it's real. It happens. Of course, fortunately, mine didn't go anything above just that, but many do actually get seriously injured, raped, assaulted...etc. Some people don't understand why people can be triggered, some people feel attacked when people say that they're offended or triggered. But this is a serious issue, it's a reality that you can never be able to understand unless you've been through it. I am not at a place where I can understand fully either, that's why I am ally. I want to be able to help spread awareness. 

          Statistics show that 1 in 4 women in North America will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime. People don't see why feminism is important, people still think that they're just angry. Well, I say that they have the right to be angry. Women are still suffering, and we need to acknowledge that. Yes, men are victims too, but why compare both ? Why bring up men when we're trying to educate you about women's suffering ? Because men are threatened, and we can never stand together with both sexes if the men don't let go of that pride.

          You will never understand, til it happens to you. 

          But what you can do, is to respect and be educated. Be an ally. 

I'm Not Better, I'm Stronger.

          "Don't always believe in your feelings, feelings can sometimes lie. I feel lonely, but I know for a fact that I'm not alone." Aren't I though ? I truly believe that at times, we humans can become the loneliest creatures on Earth.

          I've just had one of my most horrible days today. I was sad, I was angry, I isolated myself, and I tried my best to stay calm. After my weekend of isolation and questioning my sanity, it feels difficult to be put into social situations. On my bus ride home, I calmed myself down and did some self-therapy. It was in that hour and a half, that I found myself. I realize that it's no longer about sanity, yet happiness.

          For the past few days, I felt weak and alone. It was like all my insecurities swarming back into my consciousness. But do these insecurities and fears ever leave ? We humans keep them locked up, thinking we're over it, thinking we're all better. We're not. We're too intelligent, too manipulative. We lie, and protect ourselves. And it's times like these, that we see if we're really better or not. I stopped communicating, I stopped revealing my feelings, because I'm ashamed. I know that these feelings are irrational, and I thought I've became better, and stronger. Am I ? I felt angry, at my lack of success in Art. I felt envious, at my friends' successes in Art. I became frustrated, and upset, and disappointed. Why can't I be good enough ? Why doesn't my friends like me enough ? Who aren't I making new friends ? Why does no one come ask me for help ? Am I not a good enough listener/helper ? Why don't I have a boyfriend ? Am I not beautiful enough ? Why can't I be more like her ? Why... can't I be perfect !? I've came to realize that the idea of perfectionism is fairly narcissistic. To even think that we human beings are capable of achieving ultimate perfection is an unrealistic, egotistic idea. I for one, am a conflicted human being. All my life, it has been about perfection. And with the idea of perfection, my vision becomes black and white. It's either positive, or negative. Living with such extreme views of the world and myself, makes it more understandable to have these intensive mood swings. 

          I am isolated, because even though I connect with the world, and forces my way to be involve with society, at the end I always reflect only on myself. Self-acknowledgment is a form of wisdom, a power we can attain, yet it's also a form of emotional isolation. I'm not insane, nor sane, I'm just lonely... This loneliness, this isolation, is true. My feelings are not lying to me. Yet I am not broken, I really have became stronger. I'm not better, but I'm stronger. On the bus, I looked up to the sky, and stared into the clouds. They're just clouds, yet we can often learn so much from nature. By looking at the clouds, we see the freedom of nature. The effortlessness of beauty, and the relaxation of the breeze that keeps these clouds moving forward. It brings us humans into a broader perspective, reminding ourselves of how small and insignificant these thoughts and problems are. At last, I understood, that it'll all be okay.

          I don't know when I'll be okay, but it'll be okay. We humans are not suppose to be perfect, and life isn't suppose to be easy. We all need to learn how to let go, and understand that our insecurities, and fears are not signs of weaknesses. It's also not insanity. They can of course lead to insanity, but they can lead us to true sanity as well. It's how we embrace these feelings, that's sanity. I don't know when I'll be better, but I'm becoming stronger and stronger day by day. I've been through so much, and so has the world. And now, I'm taking control, and choosing my path to sanity. 

I'm Not Insane, just Lonely.

          Last week during the school days, I was tired and not motivated on life or school at all. And the second I woke up on weekend, I felt like I was going insane. It was a calm weekend, I stayed home entirely and never really went out unless it was a necessity or commitment that I've made in advance. For two days straight, I couldn't get a few thoughts out of my head. I kept asking myself, "What's the meaning of Life ?", "What's your purpose in Life ?", and "What if you die tomorrow ?"...etc. 

          It's not like I've not encounter these philosophical topics before, yet it felt scary to have these thoughts on mind, with no intention of trying to think philosophically. I know myself very well, and I try not to get into philosophy alone by myself unless it's for the purpose to analysis, to learn, or to let go. Maybe I've just had too much time to think on the weekend, which made me a little crazy. Yet if we want to talk about the topic of "Sanity", I know that if a person is questioning his/her sanity, he/she is probably not insane. But, maybe the problem is that I am sane. Maybe I'm trying to be too sane. Now to survive in a modern society, requires us to be sane, and stay sane. Yet we humans are not born sane beings, we are emotional, irrational, and illogical beings. This sanity, these knowledge, intelligence, skills...etc. are all learned and developed. We need to understand the sanity in the insanity of life, and allow ourselves to be insane at times, because that's how we truly stay sane. My friend suggested that I don't feel motivated anymore because of my lack of goal. All my life, I've set goals to achieve, yet really it's not benefit myself. Most of my goals are to seek approval from specific people, or the general society. Right now, I don't have any specific goal, but I keep myself busy. I keep myself so busy in school that now when I get out of school, I'm too tired to socialize. And then I go home, and shut myself out from the world. I'm not going insane, I'm just lonely. 

          I've not been with friends for awhile outside of school purposes. There have been little moments where I see my friends after school, but none where I've really into it. And I still just talk to them about school ! I'm still trying to get more involved in school, and I'm also seeing a LGBTQ+ therapist to talk about me questioning to be trans. I'm getting behind in school, and I'm stressed. Plus, I'm still on the hunt for a part-time job. I'm doing so much, yet I feel like I'm not actually accomplishing anything. Also, with the lack of time spent with friends, I feel lonely. My family isn't really the socializing type, they never go out, and I'm still single. It's not like I have anyone that would check on me with a phone call or a text without me reaching out for help first. I feel lonely.

          Don't always believe in your feelings, because feelings can sometimes lie. I feel lonely, but I know for a fact that I am not alone. And acknowledging that, also just helped me to be a little more sane in a situation like this.

P.S. lol I'm fine by the way, there's no need to worry. I know I sound like a middle age single woman going through an existential crisis, but let's be honest, when do I not sound like I'm going through an existential crisis ? I think it was just one of those days when you're alone, and you question your existence. (Please tell me that others do that too...)