Last week during the school days, I was tired and not motivated on life or school at all. And the second I woke up on weekend, I felt like I was going insane. It was a calm weekend, I stayed home entirely and never really went out unless it was a necessity or commitment that I've made in advance. For two days straight, I couldn't get a few thoughts out of my head. I kept asking myself, "What's the meaning of Life ?", "What's your purpose in Life ?", and "What if you die tomorrow ?"...etc.
It's not like I've not encounter these philosophical topics before, yet it felt scary to have these thoughts on mind, with no intention of trying to think philosophically. I know myself very well, and I try not to get into philosophy alone by myself unless it's for the purpose to analysis, to learn, or to let go. Maybe I've just had too much time to think on the weekend, which made me a little crazy. Yet if we want to talk about the topic of "Sanity", I know that if a person is questioning his/her sanity, he/she is probably not insane. But, maybe the problem is that I am sane. Maybe I'm trying to be too sane. Now to survive in a modern society, requires us to be sane, and stay sane. Yet we humans are not born sane beings, we are emotional, irrational, and illogical beings. This sanity, these knowledge, intelligence, skills...etc. are all learned and developed. We need to understand the sanity in the insanity of life, and allow ourselves to be insane at times, because that's how we truly stay sane. My friend suggested that I don't feel motivated anymore because of my lack of goal. All my life, I've set goals to achieve, yet really it's not benefit myself. Most of my goals are to seek approval from specific people, or the general society. Right now, I don't have any specific goal, but I keep myself busy. I keep myself so busy in school that now when I get out of school, I'm too tired to socialize. And then I go home, and shut myself out from the world. I'm not going insane, I'm just lonely.
I've not been with friends for awhile outside of school purposes. There have been little moments where I see my friends after school, but none where I've really into it. And I still just talk to them about school ! I'm still trying to get more involved in school, and I'm also seeing a LGBTQ+ therapist to talk about me questioning to be trans. I'm getting behind in school, and I'm stressed. Plus, I'm still on the hunt for a part-time job. I'm doing so much, yet I feel like I'm not actually accomplishing anything. Also, with the lack of time spent with friends, I feel lonely. My family isn't really the socializing type, they never go out, and I'm still single. It's not like I have anyone that would check on me with a phone call or a text without me reaching out for help first. I feel lonely.
Don't always believe in your feelings, because feelings can sometimes lie. I feel lonely, but I know for a fact that I am not alone. And acknowledging that, also just helped me to be a little more sane in a situation like this.
P.S. lol I'm fine by the way, there's no need to worry. I know I sound like a middle age single woman going through an existential crisis, but let's be honest, when do I not sound like I'm going through an existential crisis ? I think it was just one of those days when you're alone, and you question your existence. (Please tell me that others do that too...)
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