"Don't always believe in your feelings, feelings can sometimes lie. I feel lonely, but I know for a fact that I'm not alone." Aren't I though ? I truly believe that at times, we humans can become the loneliest creatures on Earth.
I've just had one of my most horrible days today. I was sad, I was angry, I isolated myself, and I tried my best to stay calm. After my weekend of isolation and questioning my sanity, it feels difficult to be put into social situations. On my bus ride home, I calmed myself down and did some self-therapy. It was in that hour and a half, that I found myself. I realize that it's no longer about sanity, yet happiness.
For the past few days, I felt weak and alone. It was like all my insecurities swarming back into my consciousness. But do these insecurities and fears ever leave ? We humans keep them locked up, thinking we're over it, thinking we're all better. We're not. We're too intelligent, too manipulative. We lie, and protect ourselves. And it's times like these, that we see if we're really better or not. I stopped communicating, I stopped revealing my feelings, because I'm ashamed. I know that these feelings are irrational, and I thought I've became better, and stronger. Am I ? I felt angry, at my lack of success in Art. I felt envious, at my friends' successes in Art. I became frustrated, and upset, and disappointed. Why can't I be good enough ? Why doesn't my friends like me enough ? Who aren't I making new friends ? Why does no one come ask me for help ? Am I not a good enough listener/helper ? Why don't I have a boyfriend ? Am I not beautiful enough ? Why can't I be more like her ? Why... can't I be perfect !? I've came to realize that the idea of perfectionism is fairly narcissistic. To even think that we human beings are capable of achieving ultimate perfection is an unrealistic, egotistic idea. I for one, am a conflicted human being. All my life, it has been about perfection. And with the idea of perfection, my vision becomes black and white. It's either positive, or negative. Living with such extreme views of the world and myself, makes it more understandable to have these intensive mood swings.
I am isolated, because even though I connect with the world, and forces my way to be involve with society, at the end I always reflect only on myself. Self-acknowledgment is a form of wisdom, a power we can attain, yet it's also a form of emotional isolation. I'm not insane, nor sane, I'm just lonely... This loneliness, this isolation, is true. My feelings are not lying to me. Yet I am not broken, I really have became stronger. I'm not better, but I'm stronger. On the bus, I looked up to the sky, and stared into the clouds. They're just clouds, yet we can often learn so much from nature. By looking at the clouds, we see the freedom of nature. The effortlessness of beauty, and the relaxation of the breeze that keeps these clouds moving forward. It brings us humans into a broader perspective, reminding ourselves of how small and insignificant these thoughts and problems are. At last, I understood, that it'll all be okay.
I don't know when I'll be okay, but it'll be okay. We humans are not suppose to be perfect, and life isn't suppose to be easy. We all need to learn how to let go, and understand that our insecurities, and fears are not signs of weaknesses. It's also not insanity. They can of course lead to insanity, but they can lead us to true sanity as well. It's how we embrace these feelings, that's sanity. I don't know when I'll be better, but I'm becoming stronger and stronger day by day. I've been through so much, and so has the world. And now, I'm taking control, and choosing my path to sanity.
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