Yesterday was the last day of school before the winter holidays, and one of my friends was on a date with her guy that just started a week ago. I actually think they will last, because they are so cute together. The guy is one of the nicest guys I have ever met, and this friend told me that he thinks I'm pretty chill. I was surprised that he doesn't hate me. I wasn't very nice to him before, but now I am because he sits with us at lunch so I have a chance to actually know him.
This reminded me of how I treat other guy friends. I don't have a lot of male friends, and I always say that it's because that I'm gay, but maybe that's not the only reason. I'm not very comfortable with guys, and I always keep myself at a distance between me and them. As a kid, I was bullied a lot because of my sexual orientation, and all the bullies were guys. So now whenever I have guy friends, I go into my sassy mode and not a lot of teenage guys can handle that sass. They will either think I'm rude, "too gay", or just annoying. All of my girl friends know that I'm not usually like that, and I do feel bad when my sass offends some guys, but it's my defense mechanism.
I know it's not good to be like this, and I should really let go of those bad memories and just move on as a happy Gaysian, but this sassy mode is also a very good method to test guys. I feel like if you can't deal with my sass, how can you deal with girls who are way more complicated ? For example, this guy who sits with us at lunch now, he not only deals with my sass, he asks me what's wrong and stuff when I'm being sassy / sad. Now that's good husband material.
After all, sometimes I don't even go sassy on guys. Normally I get awkward and quite. Whatever, I just wanna be done with high school boys but I can't... I just wish my friend and her new boyfriend can be happy and cute everyday. If they are happy, that's all that matters. As Carrie from SATC said, "...make your own rules for your own marriages and relationships..."
Editor: A.B.
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