Just Another Boy

      I still think about him, and remember I said I stopped ? Well, when I realized that I stopped thinking about him, I started again. It's like a never ending cycle. It's just so pathetic because we have absolutely no hope being together. Even if he did end up liking boys, why would it be me ? The fact that we aren't even friends, and that we don't talk to each other at all makes the chances even smaller. It just makes me so mad and stupid because it's like, what am I even doing !?

      It's not love. I would be scared if it is. There is nothing between us. There's no friendship, no conversations or common hobbies. Nothing. It just seems so pointless for me to do this to myself. Like, I don't think I understand relationships and feelings anymore, and did I ever ? Why can't I be someone who is single and happy !? I just... honestly I don't even know how I feel anymore. It's like, I want to get over him, but I don't. It can be nice to like someone, and have hopes. Still, I try to make myself busy and focus on other things, but when I see him in the hallways, it's like... EMOTIONS, FEELINGS, EVERYTHING ! I couldn't help but wonder, is he really that important in my life or is he just another boy ? Why are these feelings lasting and what am I doing to myself ?

      One of my friends is also going through boy problems and said that I need to get over him. She said we deserve better, but do I really ? Sometimes I feel like even if he's gay, bi, or pan, he wouldn't like me. What makes me someone people will want to date ? There's so many more prettier and skinnier gay boys in this high school. What do I deserve ? Maybe it is my problem after all...

      No. I can't think that. I just have to believe what my friend said and understand that I deserve to be loved. I can't go on being all sad and lonely. I will be alone and fabulous. He is just another boy. He has to be. 

Editor: A.B.