So here I am, unable to sleep... again.
Do realize that I wrote this in my bed with no lights on listening to sad love songs just waiting for the break of dawn. I have a little sleeping problem where I just can't shut off my thoughts. I love how I think about literally everything because it helps me as a writer, but in this case, I hate it. I try not to use sleeping pills but sometimes I have things like school or worse, exams the next day. Then it would be a decision between coffee or sleeping pills, which both give me bad headaches. Isn't life hard !?
I do weird things whenever I can't sleep. Sometimes I eat, write, wonder about the future...etc, but I mostly watch videos on YouTube. I get on the side of YouTube that I normally won't have interests in like politics, the news, horror, laws..etc. But tonight, I started wondering the past. I couldn't help but wonder, how different would my life be if I haven't made the decisions that I've made in the past ? What would life be like when I gave my mom a different answer when she asked for my opinion of leaving my home country ? What would life be like if I just stayed in the closet for maybe a few more years ? What would life be like if I just went to the high school that's the closest with the people from my middle school ? You know, sometimes I even wonder if it's really sinful to be gay. Maybe I will go to hell and maybe I am wrong. I really don't know, but I'm just not into women. I wish I am, really I do, because some of the most loving and caring people I know are women.
It seems a little stupid to question the past but if you think about it, every little decision in our life no matter how important we think it is, can alter our life in so many different ways. And that freaks me out even more because I am a perfectionist. I try to plan and decide everything in my life to make it as perfect as possible. But it's impossible, so I'm never really happy. I've regretted so many decisions and I just want people to know that I'm not perfect and I'm just a kid sometimes. All I ever wanted is for everyone including myself to feel happy and loved.
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