I love him. But how can I love him when I don't even have the ability to love myself ? How can I love him without even understanding the meaning of love ? How can I still love him when I believe that I don't even deserve love back ? I really don't know and can't really explain it, but somehow I think this is it. He may be the one.
When I really like someone to a point where I question if it's love, I can not think of them sexually. It's weird because usually if you really do like someone, you would want more from them. But for me, I don't. When I have fantasies of them or day dream about them, I can only day dream about kissing, hugging, him walking me home, or him holding my hands...etc. I know that I really like someone when I only want a romantic relationship with this person. That doesn't mean I won't want to have sex with this man if I'm ever in a relationship with him, but it means that all I care about right now is the cute movie-like moments we can share. I think that's love for me. I think for someone who's so open about talking about sex and things like that, I know that's true love because of the purity and simplicity of it. I want it to be as private and intimate as possible when it comes to the special person in my life. I feel enough from just the romance, all I want is to be with him holding hands or whatever. I know it's love when him existing is enough for me.
Yes, I do realize that I may look back in about ten years and laugh at myself for thinking that this might be it, but I'm not gonna deny my feelings. I really like him. In fact, I have done so much things outside of my comfort zone for him, it's crazy. I have never bought a man a cookie yet I bought him a cookie. I've never tried so hard to look perfect for a man and I've never asked a man for his number yet I did. For the past few days, I could not get him off my mind, it is absolutely frustrating. And asking for his number is such a horrible decision, now I just stare at my phone waiting for his text replies. Obviously he has a life and probably hasn't thought of me in several days yet here I am. I don't know how long will it take for my friends to hate me because all I can talk about is him and I really wish that he doesn't live so close to my neighborhood. Every time I go out, I can see his house and it's like wohoo yeah more emotions, because I just don't have enough that already. I swear I'm at that point where I don't even care if he knows that I like him. I've dared many of my friends to ask him out for me before. I just want him to find out, be an ass about it and block me on instagram or something. So I can cry for two weeks, hate him for another two weeks and finally move on. But no, he's probably too sweet and nice to do that. Honestly, at this point, I just want to be a lesbian.
It just doesn't make any sense, I don't even know him that well. But like I wrote in one of my blog pieces back, he is the first man who've made me felt special and I really hate him for that. I hate the fact that I even have feelings. Like is it really love though ? Can love really hurt this much ? I am literally the definition of confusion. Go check Google, I'm probably on there under the definition of sadness too.
To be honest, I find it pathetic. I really thought I'm stronger than this. I thought I would have the ability to love myself more that I won't go down the path of falling in love with a man who will never like me back...
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