Alright so as for my last confession, it was one of the hardest things I have talked about in life. Only two or three of my friends know about this little secret that happened in the summer of ninth grade. Well, here it goes... Me and this boy kinda, you know... we traded pictures over SnapChat.
I became friends with this girl in summer school and she told me about this friend of hers who sent her pictures all the time at this pool party she held. She gave me his username and I added him on SnapChat. I really never expected anything to happen because he was clearly heterosexual and I thought it would be kinda funny. He asked me who I was and I said that I was a stranger on the internet who somehow found him. I know, it was probably the lamest and creepiest thing I've ever said to a person. He was like lol and nothing happened for like a week. I never sent him anything again because like I said, it was a joke. But one day, he sent me a picture of him in his boxers. I was very shocked and did not know what to say, I sent him a picture of my couch and asked him if he meant to send that to someone else. He said yeah sorry, and then later asked me if I liked that. I was very unimpressed because he's probably one of those straight dudes who just like to flirt with desperate gay boys like me. But I told him that I didn't know him but I do like men so sure.
I quickly regretted sending that as he then asked if I wanted to trade pictures. I said no. I swear I did, but he convinced me after a few days and I was... well, lonely. There are no excuses for this one, I was just lonely and desperate. But it lasted for about two weeks or so. Now in between this short sketchy event, I tried to convince myself into thinking that maybe it wouldn't be just about pictures and lust, I could get to know him and maybe get him out of the closet and we would fall in love or some bullshit. But no, he didn't want to have conversations whatsoever and he even got really douchey and defensive when I suggested that he may be bisexual. He said that he ain't a fag, and that he only likes women. Now I don't want to be like throwing shade, but masturbating to another boy's pictures and sending videos of you putting a cucumber into your butt doesn't really make the straightest thing on Earth...
Anyway, it was a whole two weeks of battling with myself and I finally called it off after him insulting my body with very offensive language. Just so you know, all the pictures I sent did not have anything other than what he wants to see so yeah, I did think about what was happening. But I realized that even though I may not be beautiful, I definitely deserve more than that. I deserved to be loved just like any other human being. He may be the most attractive man that would ever want to have anything with me, but he didn't even treat me with basic respect. And maybe he was questioning and he got defensive, but that doesn't mean he could treat someone as his horny relief toy.
Now, before you judge me, I just want to say that yes, I've made a mistake. But I wasn't wrong because I traded pictures with someone, I was wrong to feel beautiful because of words of lust and fake sweet-talk. I was wrong in thinking that I'm that unworthy to not even be respected. And I desperately want to share this publicly even though I'm afraid of being judged because I've learned so much about self-love and respect from this. I think that no one should ever feel so unwanted that they would need something like that. Do me a favor, love yourselves and put yourselves first before anyone even if you seem like a bitch. Because I would much rather have the whole world believing that they deserve a love that no one can offer, than seeing people falling for a cheap booty call.
If you don't believe that you deserve a crown, then no one will ever see you as a Queen. And making this mistake just reminded me to add another jewel to my fabulous crown.
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