Many of you have been supportive over me coming out as Gender-Fluid, and I really appreciate that. I think it's great how caring and supportive people's reactions have been. Many still have questions, it's okay, because I still am searching for answers too. But I think I'm ready to put an end to this fire I've revealed to the world. The world has seen enough of the flames, and here's the closure I think we all need to put them out. The thing is, I don't think I will ever fully transition even if I do come out as transgender. It will only put me through an extremely difficult time, one that I've been through already over coming as gay and now coming out as Gender-Fluid. I am just not willing to put myself and the people who love me through this experience again.
So am I a female inside ? Yes. But I am also a man inside and out. See, not many people in Asia understand the whole Gender-Fluid thing (not to speak for everyone but just from my experiences), so I don't expect my family or family friends to understand the Transgender thing. I've been raised to force myself to be a man for so long that even if I am a girl trapped inside, I wouldn't know how to let her out. So I'm deciding to settle in the middle ground. I've now freed that girl within and fused her with the man on the outside, and going as Gender-Fluid. At this point I find it hard to know who I really am, how do I know who I am now has not been influenced, turning me into something I'm not? I believe that there is a true and pure self with in all of us and that's our most original self, our childhood. That's the most unique and true version of us all.
When I was in kindergarten, I loved swimming and I would tuck my little penis in between my thighs and cross my ankles to swim like a mermaid. I've always loved mermaids and I hadn't realized until two years ago, that mermaids don't have genitals. They are usually seen as free and beautiful, without a body part to define their existence (so now you all know what my mermaid references meant in my past blog pieces). I've always only played with barbies when I was a child, and I would only play a female character in video games. I payed attention to details of women and I would only draw female bodies. I looked up to my mother like an idol and I loved her clothes and shoes...etc. Also, I've always loved a woman's curve and breasts, I love drawing them and think they are beautiful. A female body to me is an art, beautiful and lovely. Now everything I just said may scream "girl trapped in boy's body", but I also have a few big important differences with other transgender people that may prove that I'm just a very feminine man. I've never actually hated my genitals and I've never had extreme disgust with my body (gender wise, I've struggled with loving my weight though). Maybe it's because I never knew that this was a thing since they don't talk about that kind of stuff back where I came from, and maybe my struggles with loving my body are not purely due to my weight. But does this matter ? I find it depressing that even if I do want to become a female, I won't and can't make it happen. I find myself doing something many of you who also support the LGBTQA+ community may not understand. I will learn to love my body, even if I feel like a different gender inside. I think I'll be a fabulous Drag Queen in the future, and I'll be happy from my success (hopefully) as well as with the loved ones and those who have supported and loved me. So, I think I will not let a label such as gender define me anymore, because I don't want to be restricted any longer, not even by the female standards.
So I really hope this gives some closure on this topic for myself and for the others who have wondered, because I think people still have questions about the Gender-Fluid thing, which is okay. I do admit, I say that fashion should have nothing to do with gender, but is that really possible ? If that's really true, then why do we need Drag culture and why do I still feel weird using the men's bathroom in heels ? Stereotypes are imprinted on our brains and it would take more time than we ever imagined to lose all the expectations of gender. But we have to keep trying, because it's our job to make sure it's different, and better for the next generation.
So again I am here, sharing my story as a mermaid. The only difference is that after all these years I've become stronger, so strong that now I have a tail of steel. I'm here to say that we as humans need to change our society into a more accepting, and loving one so we can all be free. People shouldn't have to go through what I went through, people aren't supposed to force themselves to be strong and to wake up every morning wondering if one day, their families will finally understand. People shouldn't be forced to hide who they are inside and aren't suppose to be shamed to conform to society's standards.
People shouldn't need to be mermaids to be free.
Editor K.L.S.
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