Before we start, I think we all need to understand that sex is different than gender. Sex is physical, while Gender is a performance. Me being Gender-Fluid is saying that I don't give a fuck about what my sex is, and my gender changes to whatever I feel like that specific day, it is fluid, and I allow myself to separate my body from my behaviours. I don't need to be masculine or wear "mens' wear" just because my sex is male. Style doesn't need to have direct connections with our body parts.
I think it takes courage to be free, but this courage risks hurting others. It isn't fully about yourself. I am from a family where my gender identity doesn't exist, and I'm constantly hurting them whenever I show the world my statements and beliefs. I'm constantly disagreeing with their own beliefs and statements. These problems with my family aren't all about their acceptance, or understanding, or lack of. They too need to deal with others asking about me and judging them for having a family member like me. Now, I would expect a friend to stand up for me and face the world with me by my side, but it would be truly selfish of me to expect the same from my family. I know it's difficult; it took me years to understand myself, accept myself, stand up for myself, and love myself. I just hope that with enough time, they will understand, as it did for myself.
Many of you have told me that I'm brave or courageous. I think it may be true that it takes courage to put yourself out there like this, and to put all the flaws and struggles in my life out on a little website for people to read and judge. However, even though I don't like to admit it, I am asking for approval. Sometimes, when I don't get the approval from my family that I need, I go and search for this support from my friends and the world. I need this, to help myself to grow and love myself. I'm not there yet. I'm not capable of loving myself entirely yet. So do understand that every comment and encouragement means just so much to me, because you're helping me gain love for myself. I also do this in hope that one day I can help people too. I want people to know that they're not alone, and that there is still hope.
That's why I'm not brave enough. I'm still scared and I doubt myself everyday. I truly appreciate everyone around me who supports me and loves me no matter what I do. I'm a human too, I make mistakes, and I want to be better. Trans or not, mermaid or not, I'm the same as everyone, a human.
A human searching for their own, and other's love.
Editor: A.B.
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