For the past few weeks, I really haven't feeling my best. I started being more sad, insecure, and I distanced myself from my best friend without evening really understanding why. After actually sitting down and make myself think about my feelings, I started to understand that I'm right back where I started.
I've been jealous. Jealous of everyone in my life, especially my best friend. And just to be clear, I'm not envy, I'm jealous. I don't ever think that I want to take something away from someone or that they don't deserve whatever it is that they have. I am happy for others' successes, but I'm jealous. I start to wonder what is it that's keeping me away from obtaining from what I want. I start to analyze myself and pick out my flaws as if I can improve on them little by little. Yet the truth is, is that I'm just starting to hate myself again. Self hate, sounds familiar ?
I think it all started out with the new semester. My best friend just got back with her ex, I'm so happy for her and she has been incredibly happy. And the thing is, me and her are so close that a lot of our friends have said that we're like the person. We're just opposite sides of the same coin. There have been a lot of times where she'll have a bad day, but I'll have a great day, or the other way around. We love each other and we often balances each other out. And as she becomes more and more happy with being in a relationship, my inner "Happy Single" started to fade. What really did it is when she was telling me about how much they love each other and how happy she is...etc., she said to me, "I want you to have that, you deserve that.". I know she meant well and she would never try to make me feel insecure or sad, but that just really hit me in the heart like a bullet. I sat beside her in Visual Art, and I started to feel more and more insecure about my art, feeling like I'm the class's worst artist. She's so creative, beautiful, fun, talented, and just perfect. And it's not just her, it's not like her existing makes me insecure. We're just so close that her impact makes the most damage I guess.
Then I also started feeling insecure about my appearance again... I really don't know why I do this to myself. I guess sometimes I feel like having insecurities make me a better person. Having insecurities of how I look can make me more nice and sensitive to others, and having insecurities of my talent can make me work even harder and try even harder to be better. I would say that it's just a question of how far am I willing to push myself to success also with the risk of destroying myself. It's a never-ending competition between myself and everyone else as I view others as the version of perfection. I put people so high up on the scale, I automatically put myself down too.
I don't know... I will figure this out. I have to. At least now I know what and how I'm feeling. Now, I understand where my irrational emotions are coming from and I know what the problem is. I'll get better, I always do. But, this time, I'mma try to break the cycle. I want to be break free, I need to let go. I need to be happy.
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