It's not easy. I tried to convince myself that I'm done, and I'm all set with myself. But I'm not, I'm not finished. There's something more, I know there's something more.
I know that in my Blog piece a while ago, I settled with the issue of questioning me being transgender with coming out as Gender-Fluid. But the thing is, it's not settled. I tried to push the thought of me being trans out of my head but it just comes rushing back sometimes and it really can be upsetting. There are times where I image my future and I see myself in a dress, there are times where I daydream about having breasts or even wonder what it'll be like to have a baby. And just a few days ago, at my school's Semi-Formal, I felt so beautiful and sexy in my dress, heels, make-up and curled hair, and I just feel like I'm running away from a problem I already have an answer of.
But I can't, I can't right now. I don't think I'm ready to accept the answer right now. I'm afraid. I know some people think that I'm so brave for being who I am, but I'm still scared. And the thing is, my family and my culture, it's just not going to be an easy road and I'm not ready. I really thought that I was finished with myself. I thought that I'm free. But I'm still being confined, being Gender-Fluid is suppose to be freeing, and saying that I'm fluid with both genders. But I'm still dressing like a female 90% of the time and the fact that I'm still seeing the clothes with a gender difference, it's clear that I'm not fluid. Plus, even if I do come out as Transgender, I don't think I'll have the resource to be able to transition.
I really don't know... Maybe I'm just not as brave or strong as I thought I was.
I really don't know... Maybe I'm just not as brave or strong as I thought I was.
Bravery is knowing the task ahead will be difficult and still choosing to keep on pushing. You are strong and brave even in the moments when you doubt yourself. Trying to give yourself a definite label that will never change for your entire life is next to impossible. Wear what makes you feel good about yourself right now. figure yourself out as you go, learn about your life as you live it. It hard to frost a cake when it's still baking (terrible simile but hopefully u get the point ❤️)
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