I'm Afraid.
Even without saying that I'm trans, many online already think I am with the pictures of myself in a dress and make-up. I guess it's okay but I can already feel the pressure of the society's beauty standards on women. I'm afraid that my self-esteem will just go back to the way it started as and everything I've worked hard for self-love will be gone like that. I just don't feel like I'm beautiful enough for a woman, and I know that the beauty standards are bullshit. But I'm still insanely insecure....
I know I'll be able to work on loving myself again with the friends and support that I now have, but what about my family !? I seriously don't think they'll be able to support me even if they wanted to, and I won't be able to have the resources to transition. And maybe in the future, I may be able to afford to transition myself, but is there even a point for me to do it after puberty !? And I understand that I can still be transgender without going through a transition, I'm sure my friends and my family can support me enough to use the right pronoun and see me as a female overtime. But what about love ? It's no doubt that it's way more difficult for a trans person to find love, and it's really upsetting. The more unique and free I am, I seem to be just moving and moving into a smaller and smaller amount of possible partners. it's almost like me having to choose between myself or love. And I just had a thought a few days ago, why are all my crushes on straight men !? Is it really just because that's my type ? Is it really because I'm afraid of rejection ? No, no it's not. Maybe it's because I feel like a woman deep down inside. Just maybe....
Plus, let's say I never go through transition, how will I find a straight man that can see me as a female with a male body !? Can somehow really still love me when I strip away the dress, the heels, and the make-up !? Can I !? Because I don't even think I can.... I'm afraid, I'm scared that everything will change and I'll lose everything that I have worked for. I'm just too afraid to let go. And it's scary, it's really scary to go back to that place. A place of self-hate and vulnerability, knowing that you're an outcast and getting all these hateful judgement and comments. People over the years have gained more respect for the Gay and Lesbian community, but the Transgender people are still getting bullied and bashed every single day. I know I'm strong enough to fight through it, because I did. But I don't think I'm ready for that and I don't think I want to either.
Maybe being afraid is okay, and I need to accept my fear. But I also need to know that everything will be okay and I just gotta to be brave. It's never easy finding or/and being yourself. Yet I truly believe that it'll be all worth it.
I want to be free, and I have to. I am a Mermaid.
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